to think that we actually might be just as happy by ourselves?

[kidsscareme]

Lurked on here for a long time so finally feeling like I can post!

Married for 3 years. Never have felt that maternal longing for kids. My DH likes kids but has no burning desire for his own. We love our nieces and nephews but are so glad when they leave as they are such hard work!

We have been talking lately about when we should have kids and are fast coming to the conclusion that we might not be the type of people to ant kids!

My mum will be gutted and I worry in case I might regret it when its too late.

I like our life as it is, I work very long hours in a career I love and get to travel alot with my job. Id worry Id resent having to give that up.

Its a hot topic at the moment as EVERYONE asks us about the pitter patter and everyone seems to assume its when and not if.

AIBU to think we may have decided that actually no, we wont have children?

(Im aware of the irony of being on mumsnet but I joined thinking the kids where the next natural step)

oh, ignore everything i just said, for some reason, i missed the last line of your OP more needed i think

Ragwort- just wanted to acknowledge that it must take a great deal of strength to write your post and I applaud you. Not many people would admit they made a wrong choice.

Thank you all, it is the first time I have spoken of this in any great length (apart from with DH). My friends would be horrified to think someone would choose to not have kids.

Although they have always referred to me as the career type and they know Im not maternal (not particularly close to their kids, but I dont see the point as we arent related...)

We have felt the need to make a decision on the issue as my DH has had a few medical issues and was told that if he was thinking of having kids then he should do so sooner rather than later.......
We both think that we like life as it is and can see so much adventure in our future that doesnt involve a child.

I hate that people assume you are not fulfilled because you havent experienced what its like to be a mother. I always laugh at my friends and tell them they arent great at selling the idea to me!

Those of you who have said it doesnt have to be a definite decision are right, I think we are getting too caught up in making a decision for life and not being open to our life and opinions changing

I see why you & DH have felt pressured to 'make a choice'.

Not only do such choices tend to disprove themselves but, if you choose No for now and then - maybe much later - start to rethink, there's a ton of non-biological options open to you: mentoring, fostering and adoption to name but a few.

Social pressure is such a massive force, we only notice it when we realise we're considering going in a different direction from the norm.

Once you've decided to be 'different', however, it's surprising how well supported you find yourselves (unless you're very unlucky, or very oppressed by family). The disapproval and the "You'll be sorry!" threats warnings are all hot air, it turns out.

Do what's right for you, people will mostly surprise you in a good way :)

I love having a DD. But I know I could also have had a great - and very fulfullled - life without kids. It's utter bollocks to say that you can only be fulfilled as a mother.

My advice would be not have kids unless you and your DH really really want them.

My BF meets a lot of couples through work and she says those without children are often the happiest. You can't overestimate the havoc having DCs wreaks on your relationship - my peer group are in the throes of it now, and it ain't pretty. I am sure some relationships will come out the other side all the stronger, but it won't be all of them.

We were also not really keen on kids, did not feel maternal, etc.

Our first son, now 9 was a contraception failure. I was 30, having been with my husband 9 years, married for 6 years. We were surprised, but delighted.

I can honestly say, I have NEVER felt broody, until our son was a year old. Then we started trying for our second child. He is 6 today.

The first few years were hard. I bonded quickly with both children, and loved them from the moment I got them in my arms. But, motherhood does not come so easy to me, as I am not so patient as I would like. Though, I do find it truly enriching.

But you dont have to decide anything yet!

Of course YANBU. If only more people thought about it BEFORE having children! TBH though, to me you don't sound 100% sure. I think most people who umm and ahh do go on to have children. Those that make the choice not to seem to know from an early age that it's not for them.

In your position, with time on your side I'd decide not to even think about it for a year or so and then see how you both feel.

I know quite a few couples who don't have children. As long as both parties are happy then there's no issue.

Good luck. I often think it would be nice to try it out for a little while (with your own little bundle of course), just so you could really see what it's like.

My brother and his partner are in the same position as you. He is about your age, has a great life and career, but is getting to the point where it is now or never (his partner is a few years older than him). I think it is so hard when you don't have definite strong feelings one way or the other. I can see in my brother that he would be a great dad - he genuinely likes kids (well, he likes mine anyway), but I also see that he has a lifestyle that suits him and am not sure that he'd want to change that.

Don't make this decision based on how you feel about other peoples children. It's really not comparable to how you'd feel about your own. Also, you can't have them in order not to disappoint your parents. They won't be the ones raising this child/ren. I think it's hard to judge whether you'd consider having children to be worth the change in life style, because most people make an emotional decision rather than one which takes all the sensible factors into account.

For me, I desperately wanted to be a mum since I was young and couldn't imagine not having babies, so it was easy for me as I didn't have to decide.

I think I'd say to you to give it another couple of years and don't make a final decision just yet. People and feelings can change and you never know how you'll feel in the future. You have some time and I wish you luck with it.

I also think it's fine to be on MN without being a mother. We are people, not solely defined by the existence of our children

bonkers20 that would be perfect - if you could try before you buy type of thing!

As for not being 100% sure, I think its down to the social expectation. I cant even admire a cute kid without someone commenting that Im getting broody. Im not. I can just appreciate a cute kid. On the other hand I seem to be alone in the thought that there are a lot of ugly kids in the world (not mean, just honest!). I was an ugly kid so can spot one a mile off. My friends often joke about my poor future kids, like the fact that I have always said Im not keen isnt a fact and that no matter what I will have kids like everyone else.

So I think maybe everyone feels like me deep down but isnt honest enough to admit it. Rogworth I really respect you for your post

YANBU.
I think statistically people's happiness levels drop once they have kids and don't return to normal until the children leave home.

I would like to bring another slant to having kids. My DH and I wanted children, we had some slight fertility problems which just cemented that we wanted children desperatly. I fell pregnant with my DS and within a few months my mental health (that had always been fine before if a slight lean to bouts of mild depression) took a complete nosedive! He is now 3. My mental health is in ruins. I cant go out with my children with out my DH. The only thing i leave the hose for with them is to take DS to school. Before i had children i was in all honestly a motivated happy confident person. If that person slapped me in the face now i still wouldnt know who she was. I could bore you to death with all my ishooos.

I love my children, more than life, i would do anything for them.

But having them has literally (really literally) cost my sanity. As much as i love them, and i really do, i think if i could choose over again i probably wouldnt choose this. It has destroyed me for the forseable future (ha, what future!)

Mumanator Sun 05-Jun-11 21:35:19

Have kids - it is the only thing that makes sense in this crazy world and you won't 'get it' till you do it. (Also - couples without kids are self absorbed and usually very boring by the time they are in their 40s! FACT!)

I cant quite believe I have just read that. Am without words which is a bit of a shocker!

You can borrow mine for a weekend if you want a trial run...

I honestly don't get the bit about how having kids makes your life feel more 'relevant' - no offence to you kidscareme , its a pov I've come across loads and loads of times from close friends.

In my mind if you have a kid all that happens is that time carries on until they decide to have a kid and then time carries on until they have a kid... ad infinitum until the end of the world. Surely the things that makes us feel relevant (ie that we are having a real impact on our world) are the things we do before and after having kids - the work we do, the campaigns we join, the way we live, all of which we could do without ever having kids.

I love my kids dearly and don't regret having them for a moment but they do not define my life or my role in the world.

Not sure how that's helpful now I've written it all down.

BabyDubs, are you actually me in disguise? I had an actual meltdown in m&s last week. It was hideous

Zippy - I agree.

BabyDubs - poor you. I hope things improve soon.

BabyDubsEverywhere thanks for posting. I think you have hit a slight nerve with me. I am a middle child and my mum suffered with depression throughout our childhood. I had a good childhood but always remember certain incidents.

I am prone to bouts of mild depression and a big part of me would not want to be the way my mum was. We have a lovely relationship no but not wneh I was young.

I think she felt trapped by having kids as my dad worked away and she was so young. It probably has more effect on me than I thought

having children is not everything but it is absolutely wonderful

jsut be sure you are making the right decision for you and your partner is for him and you both are for your relationship. you have a few more years. i know of one couple that have chosen not to have children, now in their early 40's and not changing their minds they do not want to be parents they are very happy i think because they have the same outlook (they do have dogs and cats.

It is difficult as whatever you decide there's no going back. I think the default is to have children, because you rarely hear people say they regret having them, but OTOH they don't know how their lives would have been if they hadn't! Hvaing children maps out your life in a way that you feel you have to justify if you're childless with travel etc.
Can you and your DH talk, really try to imagine how you would feel if you discovered you were pregnant tomorrow, you discovered you both couldn't have children in 5 years time, you have a toddler, you have a 7 year old, you have a teenager, you are 55 and childless, you are 55 and starting to think about grandchildren...
Good luck, whatever you decide. I have no doubt you would be excellent parents and would enjy it, but that doesn't mean it would be the right decision for the two of you

Mumanator is BVVVVU

OP YANBU at all. Kids aren't for everyone, they are not the be all and end all of life for everyone, for some people they are but not for everyone and that's fine. Better to have a good long think about it rather than just vaguely thinking that children will fill some void in their lives or something.

I work very long hours in a career I love and get to travel alot with my job. Id worry Id resent having to give that up.

That's fine if you're happy the way you are OP. But will your life always be like that. Will your career never change or never have any set backs and will it remain the same to retirement age? Will your career always fulfill you to the same extent for the next 30-40 years?

I'm around your age and never felt too bothered about children until I realised I may not have them. Then I started TTC and my realtionship wasn't solid he got cold feet re everything (when he suggested we have children, not I) and we broke up, now I'm alone. I don't know why I'm still using Mumsnet tbh as I came on here when I was TTC. It's wishful thinking I guess that I will be abe to talk about my own children one day

If you feel that way now fine, but I wouldn't tell everyone you're never having DC's as you don't know how you'll feel later. I'm feeling that there are only so many holidays I can do or so much fulfilment my career will give me. My career will end at retirement, me having become a parent will not.

Do not assume that your lack of interest in other people's children and your lack of broodiness mean you would't enjoy having children. I had (have) little interest in other people's babies, and have never felt at all broody. I made my decision to have my son 'intellectually' - using Stealth's scenario-based technique - and I have to say it is the best decision I have ever made. I love my son to bits, he's enhanced my life no end, and I am so pleased we were able to have him.

I think it is a very brave couple who decide to live childfree as there is so much pressure on people to have children. But, 20% of women never have children, so while it's a minority, it's not that unusual. It's utter bollocks that you can't be fulfilled without children. I hate it when people spout that. A good book you might want to read is 'Childfree and loving it' by Nikki de Fago (although it's a bit militant!)

You are both still young, so you don't need to decide just yet, but I would urge you, if you do find yourself coming around to the idea of having children, not to say 'well, we'll start when I'm 35, after we've done xxxx' as it may take several years and fertility treatment to get pregnant, if at all, and if you HAVE decided you want children, the angst and regret you'll feel if you have left it to late to have them, would, in my opinion, be very hard to bear.

OP, you sound like you know what you want to do to me, and no-one can tell another person how to live their life so I won't.

I will say that for the first 2-3 years after DH and I married we were pestered about kids, but then it stopped. Whether people accepted us as childfree or decided that we must have fertility issues, I don't know, but it just became a non-issue. In our case we were just waiting until we had certain financial and career things in place - we married young - and now do have children, but I wanted to reassure you that the pressure you get from others doesn't last forever.

Oh, but, don't go down the path of 'everybody feels like me but aren't honest enough to admit it'! That's a really nasty thing to say. Just as I'll do you the courtesy of assuming that you know your own mind and are honest about it, do those of us who knew we wanted children the same, please. There's no need for any of us to attribute dishonesty to people whose opinion differs.

I felt exactly the same way as OP when I was 32 (and younger). At 35 I began to waiver. I was 37 when DS was born and DC2 is due 2 weeks before my 41st birthday. I have no regrets at all and my life is much, much richer than it was before children. BUT DH and I had come to a point where we WANTED children - I think the decision to have the 2nd was harder than the decision to have the first.

You need to want children when you have them; don;t just have them becuase of other people's expectations.