to think that we actually might be just as happy by ourselves?

[kidsscareme]

Lurked on here for a long time so finally feeling like I can post!

Married for 3 years. Never have felt that maternal longing for kids. My DH likes kids but has no burning desire for his own. We love our nieces and nephews but are so glad when they leave as they are such hard work!

We have been talking lately about when we should have kids and are fast coming to the conclusion that we might not be the type of people to ant kids!

My mum will be gutted and I worry in case I might regret it when its too late.

I like our life as it is, I work very long hours in a career I love and get to travel alot with my job. Id worry Id resent having to give that up.

Its a hot topic at the moment as EVERYONE asks us about the pitter patter and everyone seems to assume its when and not if.

AIBU to think we may have decided that actually no, we wont have children?

(Im aware of the irony of being on mumsnet but I joined thinking the kids where the next natural step)

Heidi

I don't think you are being irrational. I think the basic fact is that most people who do decide to try for children do have a deep down feeling that they want them, even though there are anxieties etc and its a total leap in the dark. From your post, it sounds like you don't really have that feeling, at least for the moment, and that you are quite happy as you are. Thats fine - you don't need to come up with "reasons" for why you feel like that. You just feel like that, and its fine to feel like that.

The worry is that you may change your mind later in life when you are older and then it may be more difficult to have a child. So I guess you should just keep the whole thing under review and if there is any sniff of your feelings changing, have another think about it before too much time passes. They may well change overnight, as if a switch was flicked, or they may not change one iota. Who knows.

I dont know if I agree with your "reasons" for not having children - I think your feelings are valid without needing to construct reasons.

Yes having kids puts a lot of stress on a relationship, but also brings you very close together too. Speaking personally, my DH and I have proper full blown rows much less now we have a child. We do snap more when we are tired, but we are much better at getting over it quickly and moving on. We haven't had a full on storming out the door row for as long as I remember!

Yes, there is the worry and stress. But you can't love anything or anyone without at the same time having the terror of it or them dying. Its the tragedy of the human condition. I think its better to have the love and then accept the grief, than to not have the love just in order to protect yourself from the grief. And love for children is a very very special and huge kind of love.

Childbirth really isn't so bad. Its one thing to watch it on the TV, from the outside looking in, and another to actually do it. You can't really tell how the woman is experiencing childbirth simply by watching it. And anyway, its something that "just happens" - you don't have to make it happen. Once you are on the bus you can't get off, so to speak - you just deal with it and manage it, because you have to. This makes it easier as you have no choice!

As for seriously disabled children, well that is a risk that everyone takes if you try for children. I've got my 20 week scan tomorrow (DC2) and am hoping and praying it will all be OK. In the vast majority of cases, everything is absolutely fine. But if it is not, we will just have to deal with whatever there is to deal with. But if the choice is to take the risk or otherwise accept not having any/another DC, it's a no brainer for me personally.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

Mumanator - I suggested adoption as a possible route, I know people who have adopted, people who foster and DH was adopted so I do know a little about it - it is AN option - I never said an easy or definate one.

As for your drivel about DC being the only thing that make sense!?! Both your posts struck me as ridiculous

I agree with everything bumpsadasie says in her lovely post above - especially the bit about giving birth just like being on a bus you can't get off til you reach your destination!

OP and Heidi, one more thought. You don't need to have more than one child. Often the image childfree women have of motherhood (certainly the one I did) is one where they have a gaggle of whinging kids, pulling them in different directions, giving up their careers for years on end as each new baby comes along, the endless drudgery of it. It is perfectly reasonable to have just one child (or at least start off just planning one child ) - latest research shows only children are happier than children with siblings blah-de-blah - and it is certainly easier to travel, build career, find time for your pre-child passions if you chose to have just one.

Heidi,

The one thing I was utterly unprepared for pre DC was just how much I would love them and how much I would worry about them.Once you have a child, you are never truly free again, even when you know they are safe and well they are always in your mind, which is as it should be. I knew I would feel these things of course, but couldn't comprehend the strength of it until I had a baby.

Having children has altered my life in ways I could not imagine. Some of them brilliant and others not so. Yet given my time again I would do everything exactly the same. But I was always lucky in that I knew what I wanted and so never had to actively decide. That said, if I'd never had the maternal 'urge', I can imagine me and DH having an utterly wonderful life, so I would never advise someone without the urge to just go ahead and have them. I think you really need to want them to make all the worry etc worth giving up your wonderful lifestyle for.

Wrt the giving birth fears, for some people they have a difficult time, that's true, but I've also known women for whom giving birth was like shelling peas and their babies shot out in minutes. I wouldn't get too focused on the birth thing because that's just a small part of it overall.

YANBU - I always advise childfree friends that if they really do love their life as it is then they should stick with what they've got, because having a baby will throw everything up in the air and they might not like they way it comes down at all.
Kids are a bit like taking up heroin in that respect - they can make you happier than anything else in very short bursts, but they will play merry hell with your existing life. Now I was miserable with my existing life, because I wanted a baby more than anything else in the world, so I have no regrets at all - but if that's not the case for you then why would you take that risk?

Also, the world needs people who can give 95% of themselves to their career, (and the other 5% to their relationships). Of course that depends what your job is - if you're Simon Cowell then the world can probably survive without you.

Thank you all. Your posts have given me so much food for thought. Im glad that I am not the only one on here with this dilemma.

Its good to hear from people who are perfectly fulfilled without kids too.

I talked alot to DH about this today and we have decided to park the subject for 6 months and revisit it in the new year. We do not want kids right now but do acknowledge that one or both of us may change our minds and we are willing to explore that if needed.

For now I am going to stick around MN as I quite like it :)

Dily - Im def not Simon Cowell (I would not have sacked CC) and the world would get by quite well without me doing what I do but I love the industry Im in and find it fills my time 80% and therfore no room for much else

I'm another mumsnetter with no children and I have no desire to have them. My mother was depressed when I was a child and I always knew her life would have been better if my sister and I hadn't been born. I've suffered from depression on and off since I was a child and don't want to bring a child into the world who is going to have to deal with having a depressed mother.