I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

Fair enough passive! I'm sure you'd find plenty oh Yorkshire grannies in here to talk some tough sense to you if you wanted to. Hope whatever is worrying you works out in the end x

For what it's worth this is the book. You can always get it out the library if you don't want to line anyone's pockets.

Oooops forgot the link!

books.google.com/books?id=zT447ikZz6sC

d'oh

Earlybird - I don't really have anyone too local to me... My parents sometimes come to me if I have house stuff to do (or when I was in hospital)

I have work friends but wouldn't leave DD with them, my parents, best friends and my brother all live around Surrey.

I can't remember who asked - but just wanted to say I did tell DH about my feelings for X. The only think I didn't say was the kiss.

What went on between DH and X after this? Have you had a good chance to talk yet or is this going to happen at the weekend?

Just worried that your DH might be thinking he can Disney everything away.

I think it is worth going to disney actually. Just because it isn't your standard location to sort out the big issues it is a start and does inc your dd. People don't always get it right in these situations but he has just been told you have feelings for his mate so he is probably not thinking straight.

Thanks for the book recommendation...

I haven't had a chance to talk to DH yet, after he saw X he went to work and he's not back yet. I'm just about to put my daughter to bed, then be ready when he gets in to talk. I have to. It can't wait until the weekend, I'll go mad.

I feel people have been unreasonably harsh on here.
I empathise with you and think you are making the best out of the situation. good luck with the talk

I agree capiche. It is a difficult time. New baby,sounds like your dp is starting up a business, and things have gone a bit crazy.

Noddyholder - I'm quite looking forward to it actually, and I know DD will love having her daddy for two straight days.

I've been reading up on it today and there's a playhouse Disney show which I think DD will love, and I'm pretty sure she'll be able to go on a few things.

I just want it to show DH how much fun she is, and how sweet, I know he adores her, but I'm hoping now that showing him how great it will be as a family will make him want to do it more.

X has tried to call me all day and I've had a few texts now asking me what I'm playing at, and how I'm ruining his friendship, but all quite vague with no real specifics of what was said. I might show DH when he gets in.

amazing how X doesn't seem to think about how he was about to play a key part in ruining your marriage!

Stay calm and don't show him the texts straight away. Let your dp speak and then maybe both have your say and then agree not to discuss it any further until the weekend. It is easy to feel lonely when you are at home with a baby and you had someone there who in some ways took advantage. The more I think of it the more I think the disney thing is very sweet. Give it a chance. Do you really want someone like X who has no respect for his friends and crosses boundaries so readily?

WHAT? He's whinging about how you're ruining his friendship? What about him trying to ruin your fucking marriage?

I'm gobsmacked at how unscrupulous, amoral, self-centred and unpleasant this X is.

isnt she 12 months old?

Sorry but told you (always wanted to say that). Knew he would pull the "you got it all wrong, you were imagining things, you crazy lady" routine.

On another topic though - OP, it sounds as though your DH hasn't spent much time with your DD up till now. Is that right?

What does he normally do at the weekends?

A trip to disney would be a complete pain in the ass with a small baby who wouldn't appreciate it one bit. (On top of what Dittany said)

Though what you could say to smoke him out is -- "Disney sounds lovely, just the two of us alone together with DD. Before we leave I'll book an appointment with Relate for us and then we can start some serious talking when we get back".

(You will have to wait for a Relate appointment anyway, and his reaction will tell you if he wants to engage in give and take wrt your relationship, or if he is in his comfort zone and afraid to get out of it.)

Bear in mind that some people like to have something on their partner to use as emotional blackmail. He may find it to his liking to think you are on the back foot and too apologetic about carrying on with X to complain about his all nighters and endless golf.

I sincerely hope it works out for you and think you've done the right thing by being honest with your DH. I hope you find the strength to build yourself up after this episode.

I think you and DH might need to be a united front to get rid of x and so reckon it would be a good idea to tell him about the kiss. You don't need this hanging over you and it's better coming from you than x.

Been lurking on this and I do empathise with you, but ffs, what an absolute shit! You're ruining his friendship? He put the nail in that coffin when he put his tongue in your mouth. Priceless.

What does this man mean to your DH? He continues to put him ahead of you and his baby.

'I know DD will love having her daddy for two straight days. '
This says a lot. Has this never happened before?

Why does everyone think thats unusual? My dh didnt have much to do with the kids when they were babies and worked a lot. Its quite normal. Some men just arent that fussed with babies. I honestly think the OP sounds a bit high maintenance but hope it all works out for her and her family.

"X has tried to call me all day and I've had a few texts now asking me what I'm playing at, and how I'm ruining his friendship, but all quite vague with no real specifics of what was said. I might show DH when he gets in."

Feronia - you're doing a good job!

Looks like X is attempting to turn this all back on you!

He's ruined the friendship all by himself.

He's a spoiler.

Do you still feel in love with X OP?

Feronia please show your DH those texts from x it will show him for the loony stalker he is and not your DH friend.

Nobby - yes, she's 12 months and a week, buy she watches (and recognises) Mickey mouse clubhouse, Handy manny and special agent Oso on playhouse Disney (or Disney junior now) especially the theme tunes so I think she'll get something out of the show... And apparently she can go on It's a small world if she can sit up by herself?

DH does usually golf on a Sunday, and sometimes works in his study on a Saturday or we have people over (including X) and DD is with me or in her playroom that we can see from the kitchen and garden... Which sounds really sad now I read it back.

He usually is in on a Friday night to give her a bath and put her to bed, but goes out later, and had a very late night on Saturdays at raffles or the harbour club gym followed by a bar.

He works late 3 ish nights a week (maybe till 9?) so doesn't see her all that much to play with or for trips.

I'm really excited to see her at Disneyland with him. Isn't it always the way that you do all the work but daddy gets the biggest smiles! :)