I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

"TBH I think your husband sounds like a bit of a shit, and needs to take a good look at his part in creating this situation."

Dittany is SO right!!

Nobby - at the moment I still have strong feelings for him, and actually feel quite sad at the thought that I'm trying never to see him again, but I know I have to.

Your dh sounds like he spends more time with her than mine did. he has never bathed my son and he is 7! Seriously, life is like that.

By the way, are his golf and evenings networking? What does he do?

The fact that he is working long hours is understandable, but he has way too much leisuretime. Not excusing what has happened, but I actually think you have been in a vulnerable position.

You need some family time. I love, love, love my best friend. She has recently had a baby and returned to work. Guess what, I don't see her as much as I used to and as we would like because the time that she and her husband are not at work is quite sacred. There aren't enough hours in the day and things change.

I do think passive and I hope the OP is sitting up and smelling the coffee for her families sake.

He's finances things... I suppose the golf is usually networking.

Animation you can't blame her DH for her love for another man

"I suppose the golf is usually networking"

yes, thought so
Not wasting any more time with you OP...good luck and all that.

Oh, op

You sound lonely

OP, I'm wondering what your DH's own family life was like? Did he see much if his own Dad? I could be way off the mark here, but it feels to me as if he has a pattern from his own family here.

Hi Feronia

Here's one of the thread's I was thinking about.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1043530-WWIFN-will-you-come-and-talk-to-me-please

You do sound lonely and stressed. It would probably help for you to talk to friends in RL too you know. This thread will be helpful, but it's still secret, not the same as talking to real life friends and family.

katvond - I can understand how she got close to another man. Her H has a one year old child but up to now he has spent long periods of time away from home with golf, the harbour club gym and raffles as if nothing much has changed, And it looks to me like the OP got NO emotional support from H
whatsoever.

nobby? have i missed something - you asked if the golf is networking she said it was - personally i think golf is a bag of shit, its an excuse for men to skulk off and avoid their family responsibilities in the name of networking, if you can't get what you need to get done in he week in terms of "networking" then you aint doing your job properly. There is no way on this earth i would tolerate my DP fucking off for the whole weekend playing golf, that is not work, that is play and a fucking big waste of playtime it is too.

I have been very harsh on the OP and i think she has a lot of growing up to do, but by christ she has grown a pair over this day and is hopefully now trying to sort out her marriage.

Feronia you really need to tell your DH what has been going on with X. You also need to send X a message, email maybe explaining that you no longer want any contact with him and feel that it would be best if he were to give you and your DH some space for a while - if he cares about you or your DH AT ALL, he will respect this and then maybe one day, the freindship with your DH can be repaired, but the only one who damaged this was him. You were vulnerable and niave anda bit of a spoilt princess, but i think if i were in your position, i have to admit that i would have done the same as you - i think that is why i was so cross with you last night becuase i can see me in you.

Yes Nobby - am I missing something?

OP, I agree your life sounds very lonely.
Its all very well and good your H surrounding you with material items but these things don't replace good old fashioned time.

My ex was very similar to this, I wanted for nothing. I could have the moon if I asked but he was always preoccupied with work and hobbies. Never having time for ds1 and I. Eventually it got to me and we split -ok there were other reasons but this was one of the big ones. I didn't "fall in love" with his friend, I was worse than that I fell in love with a stranger who became the love of my life. He gave me my confidence back, showered me with attention and gifts. I split with my ex and thought everything was going to be rosey. G, used to come round to see me take me and DS1 out for days to the coast, park, anywhere I expressed a wish to go. Then one day I was crossing the road and my heart broke as I saw G in a car with a woman and 2 small children - his wife and kids.

Shortly after that he left London and I fell apart. He returned 10m to the day later knocked on my door and I fell in love again on sight. We spent 4 weeks together just he I and ds1. I thought all my dreams had come true again then one day I woke up and he was sitting on the bed watching me.

He turned to me and said "no matter where I go or what I do you will always be my girl and I will always love you" that evening we made love for the last time, the next morning I woke up and he was gone.

I recieved a letter from him 5 days later and it said all the right things, and also how he had gone home only for his wife to throw him out on the streets and he had nothing left, that he wanted to be with me etc.

It took me a long time but I eventually got over him and learnt to live with who I was.

Sorry I rambled there

Feronia - I also think you need to lay the law down with H and tell him to get his fucking act together - no more bloody golf, the harbour. raffles, and the bar when he has a baby to look after. You can't do all that stuff when you have a baby!

She needs to lay the law down with x and tell him to stay the fuck away. With that man on the scene this will never be resolved ever.

Mapley "Crikey, while I agree with the general theme of advice ( ie stop talking to X and talk to your husband), there's some very unempathic, shallow, knee jerk reactions in this thread."

I agree with this, and I don't think it's a coincidence that your very thoughtful and wise advice was immediately rubbished by a poster who has dominated the thread with unempathic, shallow, unpleasant posts that were so knee jerk that I'm surprised she hasn't kneed herself in the face.

OP I thought right from the beginning of this thread that it sounded like you weren't getting the emotional support that you needed from your DH, during those very vulnerable post natal months. When someone stepped as neatly into the gap as X did, I'm not surprised that you found yourself becoming more and more reliant on him. Your DH had no business insisting that X come and live with you when you were recovering from a traumatic birth and adjusting to motherhood.

I'm not going to jump to conclusions about whether X is a seedy manipulative player or whether he had innocent intentions and has found his feelings for you changing. Deep in your heart, I think you can probably answer that yourself a lot better than any poster on MN. Do you think he has behaved honestly and honourably?

I hope you can work things out with your DH; you have a child together, so that should (must) be your absolute priority. I too think that you should tell your DH that X kissed you and that you rebuffed him. At the moment it sounds as though you've kept the focus on you and your feelings, which leaves your DH open to X being able to blame you and imply that he never entertained any such feelings in return.

Have a good time at Disney.

Katvond - yes I agree. I think she needs to lay the law down with both men. If her husband doesn't change though she's going to hanker for X.

Your life has changed completely since having a child. The life of your dh doesn't sound as if it has changed much at all - other than the fact you are no longer able to accompany him on many of his leisure outings (presumably you did before)?

Agree you need to get some marriage counselling - either Relate or privately as soon as possible. It will give you both perspective, force you talk regularly about difficult subjects, and you will hear from an impartial person (the counsellor).

Back to your NCT group - why are you no longer in contact with them? Perhaps you didn't like them as a group, but was there an individual (or two) there you could see socially?

Many of the children's classes (music, etc) used to allow a one time 'taster' visit. Can you arrange to go try some things out before everything stops over the summer break. No idea if it still exists, but Tumbletots used to be held at the Queen Mother Gym in Victoria which is not too far from you.

Walk over the bridge to Battersea Park - they have a nice playground there. Take a picnic and a blanket. It is a pleasant thing to do, and gives you somewhere to go - not just sitting inside.

Not sure if I'm remembering correctly - but is it St. Luke's church in Chelsea off Sydney Street? Have you been 'round the back to the playground there? It used to be heaving with children.

Or what about this music class in Chelsea? It was too far for us, but we knew some people who went there:

www.babydirectory.com/local_listings/toddler_activities/baby_toddler_music/54020/beas_baby_music_school_chelsea

Many of the classes in the Chelsea area are in high demand because there are lots of folks with disposable income - so get signed up for things now that you'd like to do with dd in the fall.

Why don't you go to the Harbour Club? No idea if it still exists (and I was never a member), but they used to have a creche. You could see if they offer any mum/baby classes, or put dd in the creche for an hour so you could have a swim or a massage or do a class.

What did you enjoy doing with your dh before the baby arrived? What did you enjoy on your own? Is there a way of reclaiming any of that?

You must get active - get out. Explore. Make plans. Don't wake up and sit home wondering all day how to fill your time. It is summer, so the weather should cooperate. Get out there. I think you'll find it will be much easier to forget X, and start creating a new life for yourself and your family.

so from what you've written there your DH spends maybe 2 evenings a week with you, baths his daughter and puts her to bed once a week, and spends his weekends either in his study, playing golf, at the gym or out socialising. Precisely when do you get anytime to share the wonderment of being parents together?

So you're effectively on your own 7 days a week and 5 evenings? That's utterly rubbish. No wonder you enjoyed X's company so much.

My heart really goes out to you.

Feronia,
I've read every post on this thread and I see how alone you have felt. I think most new mums feel this to some degree, I know I did. My DH is v hands on but if I am very honest if someone else had been around all the time making me not feel so overwhelmed by parenthood I can see how attractive that would have been.
I think you may have PND, others have said it, it's not an excuse but it does make you more vulnerable.
I believe X has taken advantage of that, may not have been his intention but he has. Try to think what you would say to a friend in this situation. Take a step back and I think you will realise that you've built a fantasy around a man who is without morals.
It also seems that your H has not been hugely supportive physically or emotionally.
Having said all that you are not blameless in this scenario. You have closed your husband out of caring for you or your child, you have pursued a relationship which you knew was dangerous to your marriage.
X is showing what type of man he is by continuing to pursue you. This is not a mark of desperate love but complete lack of respect for you and your family incl your DD.

You need to be strong. You need to cut X out of your life completely and irrevocably. You need to get treatment for pnd if necessary. You need to establish a support network. I also think you need to do something outside the home which makes you feel like the independent competent woman you used to be. You need to decide the terms for your marriage to work whether it's counselling, family time or somehow getting your DH to realise life has changed.
I wish you well.

Having read this thread I agree with a lot of the other posters that you need to keep talking to DH about the amount of family time and couple time that you spend together. Disneyland for a weekend is not enough, you need a long term commitment, in fact as his loved ones you should be given more commitment than his business. Maybe you could demand one evening a week in addition to more family time at weekends for you to go to a fitness class or something to meet some new people, it would certainly build your DH's bond with his daughter and would give you some time to rediscover your confidence.

Well done for telling DH about X, clearly you are lonely and X played the emotional support role very well with no concern for your marriage or the feelings of his best friend. You need to stay clear of him even change your phone number if necessary once you have shown DH the messages.

I am in Fulham area and there are lots of things to do in the Chelsea area, have you been to Gambados soft play? There is also a great park called Westfield Park on Upcerne Road that has lots for young children (sand pit, swings, slides, train, playframe) and lots of nice friendly mums go there so DH (SAHD) tells me and he quite often gets a frosty reception from other mums. RBKC also do a list of toddler groups here. Libraries also do story and song time here. The NCT also do baby and toddler groups here. Once you get out there and start meeting other mums/dads and making friends who also have young children you will feel stronger in yourself.

Good luck OP. Think about whatbis right for you and your dd. Maybe you are not meant to be with either of these men. It's not just A or B you know... There is a whole world out there.

And it is often less lonely to be alone than to be a dw or dp that is lonely