I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

How old is your dd?

Disneyland!! Seriously? Unless you are both really into theme parks I am a bit mystified as to why he would pull Disneyland (third circle of hell IMO) out of the hat when deciding where best to have a peaceful break to discuss relationship issues. Still I hope you work things out.

She turned 1 last week...

Disneyland for a 1yo isn't the best choice.

OK, well Disneyland probably not the best choice but she'll probably enjoy riding about in her pushchair & having lots of things to look at. At least the 3 of you will be able to spend some time on your own together.

A one year old is not going to get any more out of Disneyland than she would out of the fun fair at the end of Brighton Pier. I think your dh is not being terribly thoughtful about this. Just like he wasn't very thoughtful about moving his feckless mate in with his wife and new baby.

I think dads often don't realise how things will change. I don't think mums always do either, you just have to see how it goes and adapt.

You don't want to go out without your DD but maybe that is something you need to work on. I can understand it but maybe work towards finding someone you can trust as time together just the 2 of you is important, he is probably missing it as much as you are. It's easy to get stuck in a rut but try to drag yourselves out of it.

Ok so maybe Disneyland isn't the best choice but I wouldn't slate him for it. He's trying to think of something child-friendly for you to do as a family - he's maybe a bit off the mark age-wise but it's not exactly going to unpleasant for DD is it? I would graciously go with it and tell him how much you appreciate the thought. It's a start isn't it? Then maybe you can reciprocate by organising a night out for the two of you with a babysitter for DD when you get back from your weekend.

I guess he's thinking that he has to do something dad like or family like and Disneyland is the ultimate family thing to do? (in a few years maybe)

To me your DH sounds quite overbearing and not that easy to talk to. He certainly doesn't really seem to be listening, if his response to 'I'm unhappy, I just nearly had an affair and want to get back on track' is to book Eurodisney without even checking whether that's what you want

You mentioned he's older than you - how big is the age gap between you? Could there be some kind of parent/child dynamic going on between you? It's not uncommon in relationships, especially where one partner is a bit older than the other, and can lead to things feeling very unequal.

There's something about the way you describe your life that leads me to suspect that you don't feel like an equal partner in your marriage - you didn't want a house guest straight after EMCS but got overruled, you're now going to Eurodisney without so much as a by your leave, etc. Something just sounds a bit odd about it. Am I completely misreading things here?

By the way do you have family or friends other than x nearby who you would trust to babysit? It's really important that you try to have some time together without DD, IMO.

Sorry to bang on about Disneyland. I know it isn't a major issue in light of the situation and at least he is making a positive move in recognising that he needs to pay some attention to his family. Building a business can be all-consuming and I suspect that he is thinking of how his hard work will benefit his daughter (and his wife!) in the future.

OTheHugeManatee Think you may be right.

I've been reading this and lurking.
I think you should give this a try. DH is obviously trying to make things a bit better between the two of you and has decided to spend the weekend together as a family. He probably thought Disneyland would be perfect because it's marketed as the ultimate family experience.

You can make what you want of it, though, tbh. Some people are very anti-disney...etc. and it probably won't be so magical for her at 1, but she'll have a good time if you do.

"its not where you are but who you're with that really matters". So make the best of the weekend away as a family and enjoy reconnecting with DH and being a family of 3. :)

I'm not defending him completely, by the way. I think he has a lot to work on as well. But he's obviously heard that you are unhappy that he's not around much and that your relationship isn't what it used to be and is trying to make things better.

I think your dh is probably in a state of panic and trying to deal with everything at once. Presumably he's told X to back off. If you want your marriage to continue OP now is the time to work bloody hard at it. Disneyland is as good a place as any for both of you to start.

Well said, NL. And nice and concise. Feronia please ignore my rambling post above and heed the advice of NL.

btw I love your name :)

I'm not going to give you as hard a time as some of the posters here -- I'm the product of a relationship which began when one party left their spouse for an affair so I'm not of the opinion that all such relationships automatically end in disaster or are delusional.

Having said that it does sound that the underlying issue is that you feel under-appreciated and under-loved by your DH and X, for whatever reason or motive, was able to step into the breach. I'm not sure that X is automatically as cynical as some of the posters here suggest -- it may be that he has genuinely been overwhelmed by feelings for you. But at best his feelings are endangering an old friendship and his old friend's marriage, at worst he gets a kick out of these sorts of situations. I think the odds are stacked against your being able to make a go of it with X. By far the most sensible option here is for you to work really hard to rebuild your marriage. If you and X are really to be then it will happen. But its not going to happen if the three of you are entangled in this difficult situation.

I also agree with other posters that you should probably front out to your DH what happened the unabridged version before X does. If X is more cynical than I'm giving him credit for, you don't want to be caught out if he takes your DH aside and tells him a different version. If you need to speak to X first so be it. But I don't think you can rebuild trust with your husband if you give him the half truth you are currently giving him.

I would wager that if you sort out the issues you have with your husband your feelings for X will dissapear.

I am going to give X the benefit of the doubt (and ignor the fact that he seemed to be getting off on texting his best mates wife while out with him. Thus making him a complete arse) and say that I think he is jealous of your DH's life and it is that he wants rather than you. I know that is a harsh way to look at things but those feelings appear to be quite common, although most would not try to act on them.

Your DH is showing, by booking disney, that he wants to work things out with you and show you that he can be a family man. He is going an arse about face way of doing it but he is trying so go with it!

If I were you I would get to a GP. Wanting to be with your child is normal, having a complete inability to leave her even for an hour is not. You sounds like you may have PND which is nothing at all to be ashamed of!

Weekends away and even evenings out can be a lot of pressure. After this weekend can I suggest a few day trips both as a family and as a couple. Maybe a cinema trip for you 2 then you dont have the pressure of having to make conversation but you can still be together.

Your DH deserves some him time but you and your daughter deserve to have him around too. Why dont you have a family day every weekend then every other week you could have a day for yourselves. You could look after dd while he golfs one weekend then the next he could look after dd (not forgetting he needs some time to really bond with dd as it doesnt appear you have allowed him much of an opportunity do do this thus far) while you go off and have some time for you!

Sorry for the epic post but its been 2 days in the making!

Firstly - you have just dropped a massive bombshell to your DH, of course he is going to be upset, he probably acting angry because he is so upset. What i cant understand is why the two of you cant have a conversation - he left answer message for you about disneyland so this is what you do. You phone him up and say "Thankyou DH that is a lovely gesture , im really looking forward to it" You certainly don't whinge about it not being much fun for your DD. It WILL be fun for your DD if you make it fun - there are loads of things suitable for young children and there are child friendly resturants etc etc. Cut your poor DH some slack - yeah, its not ideal but hes TRYING, you actually should be counting yourself lucky he is willing to try because if it were my DP then he would have packed my bags for me and told me if i liked X that much to go and be with X.

That said, i think you have been extremely brave, i hope you have told your DH about X kissing you, if you don't it will look like it is all coming from you, rather than X being a slimey cunt and coming on to his "best mates" wife. Your DH needs to know what sort of person he is and that actually he doesnt deserve his friendship. If the friendship with X continues IF, then it will always be there - knowing glances, he wont leave it, you know that - you're even more of a challenge now. If he were a man he would leave the pair of you alone, but he hasnt done that has he, he has bombarded you with calls, probably to cover his arse make sure you are ok.

Again, well done for facing this head on, i know you have been given a hard time and ive probably been one of the harshest posters, but i do admire you because im not sure if i would have been brave enough to do that. Do try and understand about the building the business up, that will pay back in dividends later on because once its properly established he will be able to spend more time with you all - he has the long haul in mind.

So we are back to finding things to fill the time, maybe you could consider doing very part time work just to give you something other than DD and DH to focus on. Some voluntary work? That way you can do something you enjoy and money doesnt seem to be an issue.

Also, i have to say, i feel a little bit swept away by your DH's disneyland gesture - THAT is romantic, and im being deadly serious. You have a wonderful man there and he clearly loves you, and you clearly deserve his love. Work at this and i think you will be very happy x

Othehugemanitee - he's 10 years older than me... (well, 9 actually)

X turned up here a while ago but I saw him from my bedroom window and cowardly stayed upstairs. Then I panicked that he might still have his key but must not have because after a couple of minutes he left. He must have seen my car outside though...

I've spoken to DH but he really didn't want to talk about it. It's like yesterday and this morning never happened? He just suggested I go out and buy a smaller buggy for travelling with. Literally - that's all he said.

I've booked an appointment with my GP for Thursday and will talk it through with her.

I'm also going to take DD into work with me for a visit to try and reconnect with some friends there. Maybe tomorrow...

X as just turned up !!! this man is turning into a loony stalker
he needs to stay away from you and your DH
Ignoring him won't work,tell DH X is bothering you and both sever ties
This mans a parasite and won't give in easy

If I was with you now I would be shaking you! Get it into your crazy head he wants to ruin your life and he came fucking close
get this wanker out of your life NOW

Read inital pages then a few. Get a grip woman, you have it all, a husband a baby and a comfortable life. Build on that. Millions would change places with you. ysc. It could be your hormones/boredom/adjustment.

He's not exactly communicative your DH is he?!