I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

You must tell DH that X turned up. Just carry on being as truthful as you have been with him. If your husband asks him to keep away then it may knock some sense into him. You have nothing to hide now.
The Disney thing is a lovely idea. As someone said, don't slate him for choice; he is a bloke, and thought what would combine a break, with something kids love? My DH would struggle to think of Disneyland tbh.

It could possibly be very good for you. Rather than sitting across a dinner table or opposite ends of a sofa, some of the awkwardness could be bridged as you push DD around the park. She is far too young to knpw what you are talking about. Take a camera and get into the spirit taking lots of pics.
Whilst the past must be discussed, so you can move on with things, talk about the future too; maybe where you like to go for another holiday!
I hope it goes well at the weekend.

Yes, please tell your DH that he turned up, this bastard idnt taking no for an answer - i think your idea about taking your DD into work to see your old mates is a good idea, but do make a time to do it rather than just pitching up, that way everyone will have time to fuss over you and DD and you wont feel out it.

Good luck with the doctor and enjoy disneyland - im actually envious!!

How much of the X stuff did you tell him? I got the impression that you didn't tell him about your attraction or that X is pursuing you but just that he was around and took on a bit of a dad role. Is that right?

You know what - its mine and DPs anniversary today, i am feeling pretty bloody crap because we have financial problems so there wont be any cards, any romantic meal or surprise trip to disneyland. So don't you bloody dare be blowing this gesture your DH is making for you, county your blessings, ditch the slimeball (you seem to be doing this but the once and for all way is to tell your DH what really happened) and make an effort to enjoy what could be a wonderful weekend.

I agree passive that x is not gonna go away easily
You should get that key back off him too,sounds a right nutter OP
Sorry your having a bad day passive, sending hugs ((()))

Enjoy disneyland too we took DD when she was 3 and she loved it :)

I don't think OP needs to be grateful just because her DH is wealthy and is taking her way for the weekend. The OP is not somone who can be bought through expensive gestures. This thread has shown quite clearly that OP wants an emotionla gesture, not a financial one.

Best of luck OP.

It IS an emotional gesture, her DH is taking her away for the weekend - he hasn't bought her a pair of shoes!

Crikey, while I agree with the general theme of advice ( ie stop talking to X and talk to your husband), there's some very unempathic, shallow, knee jerk reactions in this thread.

I'm surprised too the the poster called "whenwillifeelnormal" hasn't posted. Think she normally posts on the relationship. Board. You'll pribably get wiser and more constructive advise if you start a thread there. There's lots of people who post there who have been in your shoes. You won't get told much different to stop talking to x and talk to your husband, but you might get more of an explanation about what led you to this point.

I've been in your shoes and further on in the situation and genuinely from the heart I say DO STOP. If you carry on talking to X and the rest then only intense misery follows. For yourself and for both men. And for your daughter and wider family.

People are fragile, relationships can be fragile. All manner of normal life situations can cause both to break. If you're feeling sad, anxious, lonely, tired, stressed, unappreciated, bored or any normal life scenario you can be vunerable to having your head turned in a rationship. You maynot conciously look for an affair, but you're feeling a bit rubbish, and suddenly someone is in your life who provides a relief from those feelings. Your relationship with them becomes something that makes you feel good, initially probably totally inocently. But that good feeling is addictive and provides a salve to your sadness/boredness/stress. Then there grows a contrast between the light happiness you feel whilst in new company to the weight of your familiar relationship. And even if nothing was particularly wrong in that relationship before you met the new person, you'll start to notice and question it as it can't help but suffer in comparison.

I think you're at this point. And you've a choice here. Either continue into madness by questioning your relationship from the addictive newness and passion of the relationship with x and slide into secrecy, self hatred and misery. Or face upto the feelings and situations that left you vunerable, with your dh's help, and face then together and change things appropriately.

I don't think there should be any blame. You're just human and human's aren't perfect. Just act now and don't go any further.

There's a book "just good friends" or something by Lucy Bancroft I think. Buy three copies and all 3 of you read it

Or "not just friends!"

All three of them? Yeah, right

Why not? All 3 will be floundering, wondering what in earth is going on. It's such a common scenario, and this book explains it so well. Sometimes I think it should be given out with marriage certificates.

Aye but failing the complete honesty and brvery needed for all 3 toread it, feronia should atleast. I'll try and link to it later. And maybe find some old threads in relationships that deal with what feronia's going thru. It really helps to see how common, normal and predictable what you're experiencing is. Breaks the doomed romanticism bubble, helps you see it as a reaction to a set of circumstances, helps you have the objectivity and clarity to sto it

Really? you think they should all sit, all three of them and read a self help book Is that so they can all move on from it? fuck a duck, you'll be suggesting that maybe they try and make it work as a threesome next. Two of them are floundering, the new parents, who are struggling to readjust to life now it has changed so drastically. The DH needs to grow up and stop spending so much time at golf and out on the piss with his mate. The OP needs to stop being flattered by the attention of vile opportunistic parasite and make an effort with her DH and i am pleased to see that she is trying her best with this. The third party? He needs to crawl back under the rock he came from and leave this family alone. There, easy, no self help book needed.

Do you have any friends locally that have dc? Ones with young dc that are not working? arrange to spend some time with them and/or meet them at Tumbletots, KinderMusik, the park, etc if you can.

Well done for not answering the door when X appeared. Good for being strong and did not do anything to get sucked back into his world.

And tell dh that X appeared at the house in the middle of the day unannounced. Your dh needs to start to see just how dishonest and underhand X is.

Look I'm being a bit blue skies thinking all 3 of them could do that. But yes in an ideal world all 3 would benefit from understanding how these sorts if situations arise. I don't disagree with you that the couple are floundering with new parenthood, but I think it's unhelpful to demonise X. He may be a cunt yes or he may be confused and caught up in out of control emotions too. None of us know that. And it's not just as simple as saying that the OPshould just ignore him and forget thus all happened, switch of her emotions towards him and decide he's a git. That's like expecting an addict to stop cold turkey and never ever relapse without ever understading what made them
an addict in the first place. Everyone in this situation needs to be honest and understand what's led them to the place they are in. And that particular self help book explains it well. So does whenwillifeelnormal and other posters on the relationships board.

well said, Passive.

I would have thought X was turning up to do the "you got it all wrong" routine, to keep his mate

I haven't read all the previous posts so please excuse me if I'm saying what's already been said BUT:

It sounds to me very much as if X was there for you when you were feeling vulnerable and going through a rough patch with your DH. He had the free time to help you out with the baby & do nice "family" type things with you whilst your DH was (quite reasonably) out at work. At that time, it sounds as though you were quite emotionally "low", which considering you had just had a baby (let alone a difficult delivery) is totally understandable & X may have been, in many ways, the one to give you your self confidence back as he was the one with you day by day at that time. All of this makes him a good friend to you but should not be confused with the kind of "real love" that might be worth ending an otherwise happy marriage for.

I really don't think an affair or one night stand would do either of you any justice. If you really, honestly, think you love X more than your DH and that you could have an actual life with him then do the decent thing & tell your DH you need to be on your own for a while to give you time to really think without either man around.

Good luck with it but, for me, the key would be DON'T RUSH INTO ANYTHING! You'll only end up regretting it later.

I don't think you can ditch someone for their best friend. If your marriage isn't working out then by all means leave, but don't run off with his bf. Your dh deserves better treatment than this, surely?

How would you ever be able to justify this to your child? And how could you ever trust your DH's best friend if he is happy to do the dirty on his friend?

I dont think "blueskythinking" or whatever cliche that is has any room in real life relationships with real life feelings and real life children! What is blueskythinking anyway? I always assumed it was something David Brent would advocate

I think that is a fair assesment dittany. I do think that the tickets to disney are a lovely gesture though, it remains to be seen whether he then uses the time to discuss how they go forward or if he sticks his head in the sand and expects things just to carry on. The OP needs to put her foot down about them talking, but why not do that away from everything and having a good time with your DD. She also needs to tell him exactly what has happened between her and his friend, because all the while his mate is providing the manly shoulder to cry on he is able to manipulate the who situation. He is playing both of them.

Not arguing with you passive, and especially nit about phrasing. Don't particularly disagree with the sentiments of what you're saying, just pointing out that if a no nonsense approach like yours diesn't work for the OP, then there is literature out there to help explain things. I was amazed when I was in the OP's position and read the threads on the relationship boards and the book many reccommended. It was like the emotional turmoil and feelings of doomed live etc fell away and I could see it logically. That may not work for all, and I've never been a self help book fan before, but i wanted to mention it.

You sound like my Yorkshire granny. Straight talking, no time for emotional codswallop. Fair enough, works for you. But didn't work for me when emotions were so confusing and might not work for all.

Do you know mapley, i wish i was like your yorkshire granny, i do emotional coswallop in a big way - and believe me, i probably could do with someone like your yorkshire granny sitting me down and giving me a really good talking to, I can relate to the OP quite well actually for reasons i dont want to go into, and im probably a big fat hypocrit if im honest but its not about me. I'm just skeptical about self help as i think the person/s who benefit most are the author and publishing companies, in the form of £££s I do however second your recommendation for the relationship board as she would have got an easier ride of it, however i think the straight talking, not from me, from wiser posters than me, have actually made the OP sit up and smell the coffee and she has been very brave by bringing it to a head.

OP - I take my hat off to you for confronting this. You're on the right road.

Maybe X has given dh the key, or dh asked him for it.

at Disneyland tho