To want DS in our room FOREVER.....

[InFlames]

....Well, not quite forever.

But DH (who is lovely and a fantastic Dad) is completely unmoveable on his view that DS should go into his own room dead on 26 weeks.

I can't BEAR it yet (note dramatic use of capitals). No idea why, no logic to it, just not ready to not have him in our room yet.

Not about wanting to keep him a tiny baby, and not concerned about SIDS (think other factors are probably bigger i.e. overheating / smoking around Bub etc). But can't bear thought of not hearing his snuffles as I fall asleep.

Have had several 'discussions' on the subject and DH seems to be in the 'You were unwilling to compromise on smacking, I am unwilling to compromise on this' kind of camp.

AIBU and WWYD (or, what have you done)?

[Morloth]

I was just wondering why you pointed out that it was about the 'mother's needs' like it was a bad thing.

I don't think the baby needs to be in with the parents (obviously as my baby no longer is), but I do wonder why when a woman expresses a desire to keep her baby close someone always says it is about her wants and needs and implies that is a problem (whether it be cosleeping or slings or full term BFing).

I do think the needs of the person who will be most effected by something do trump the other persons.

Indeed our children are on loan for a very short time, so why not enjoy them while you can?

Totally agree with regard to parenting books, most of them are just making it up as they go along (like the rest of us).

[ScroobiousPip]

I suggested the books, exotic, because InFlames is going with her instinct - but her DH doesn't have the same instincts. The books may be a useful way of helping her DH to understand her feelings and also that his fears won't necessarily come true just because their little baby stays in their room for a while longer. Not because the OP or anyone else must AP.

[InFlames]

Happy muy?? Crikey, I love my iphone - not... Mummy. Of course.

Suspect when we move him in he'll take to it luck a duck to water and have no problems whatsoever - probably the biggest thing I've learnt as a new mum (DH knew this already given this is 3rd time round for him, which has also impacted on his perspectives, though he accepts that things have moved on from 20 years ago, although the basics - warm, fed, secure, happy, loved - don't change obviously) is that the small things which seem like a HUGE BIG DEAL really aren't a few days/weeks/months later :-)

[Morloth]

God yes.

But then you find new things to worry about.

[JellyBellies]

• DS needs to get used to being on his own
  

Really? at 6 months? He has a long time to get used to being on his own, and he will be eventually at 2 or 3 or 4 or 5. Why do you have to force it now? Is it really about DS's needs?

• I would quite like some 'adult space' (and I don't mean sex)
  

DS sleeps in one room, the rest of the house is available for adult space.

• The longer it's left, the harder it gets to do
  

Actually, if you move him when he is ready as opposed to an arbitrary principal point decided by you, it will be much easier.

• If I thought in a few weeks / months, you would be ready, I'd suggest waiting. But I'm not sure you WILL be ready
  

You wil be ready, you will know when.

Seriously OP, read Three in a bed I know you are not co sleeping but believe me, the sentiments you express are the same.

[InFlames]

Will do Jellybellies - I'm open to lots of different viewpoints and will no doubt take bits away from it ... Though I didn't read GF, I did have a look at the website and decided there was enough info on there :-)

[libbylobs]

my 6yr old dd still gets in bed with me and i love it , my dh sleeps in the spare room most of the time and he gets a good nights sleeps, ilove reading to her all cuddled up.x

[exoticfruits]

Sounds as if it has all worked out well. The important thing was that you talked about it and didn't just say 'this is what I am doing-DH can lump it'!

[LolaRennt]

Some one up thread mentioned they felt bad DH gets cuddles in bed, and while the baby is all alone. That's exactly how I feel. I mean I can't stand sleeping alone :(

I never wanted to co sleep because of SIDS, but every night I put dd in her cot I feel like I'm saying, go sleep alone in your baby cage. I can't imagine her ever not being in our room though. It seems cruel to me, a baby spends nine months a part of you, then seperated in another room? :( I find it genuinely upsetting. I know everyone does there own thing but I can't imagine doing it myself. I am really envious of mums who get to co-sleep, we have too many factors against it being a real option.

[TabithaTwitchet]

We had DD in a cot in her room until she was 2. When we moved her into her own bed, she took to it like a duck to water, now she never comes into our room in the night unless she is ill.
We didn't really have a space for her to have her own room - we had to do some serious furniture rearrangement when we did move her out - I always felt relieved about that, as it took me a long time to be happy with the idea of her moving out (had come to terms with it by the time we did move her).
Even now that she is 3 and a half, I have never closed either of the doors seperating us, and there is no way I would be able to sleep if I did.

I think everyone gets to a point when they are "ready" for their baby to sleep in a different room - and probably everyone is ready at a different point. There is no way I would have coped at 6 months, or even 12 months, but even I got there eventually.

[Mooncoup]

OP sounds very sensible and reasonable, as in fact does her DH, so I am sure they will work things out.

I think flexibility in making decisions is a good idea. Things change and you cannot always predict what will happen.

Lots of toddlers who've been sleeping alone from an early age discover how to climb and walk and then parents who never co-slept earlier end up with them in their bed because toddlers have willpower and dealing with a toddler who really wants to be in your bed spread out like a starfish can be too much even for those who were adamant they would never consider it. They cal also talk and tall you what they really want. Then some babies get to 10/11 months old and where they were sleeping for longer periods, and perhaps parents thought they were on the brink of "sleeping through" they start waking every couple of hours wanting mum and/or to feed. Separation anxiety can be big at that age -they learn you are separate from them and can leave, and that can be scary. Lots of other things happen too, including winter illnesses where you're up all night with them poorly. Dealing with these things, staying sane and getting enough sleep each can become pretty important to both parents, especially if you decide to have another child. Agreeing hard unbending rules now with your partner may not be the best thing to deal with all that nighttime parenting has yet to throw at you .

I totally understand the desire for an adult space... after 6 years with one or more child in our bedroom some or all of the night I am very much looking forward to one day getting back candlelit evenings and bedtime reading. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I fantasise about sleeping all night completely alone! In the grand scheme of things though, even a few years is not long in the course of a lifetime or marriage. I realise that I am lucky that DH and I agree on our approach, although he has always been far keener on co-sleeping and bedsharing than me.

Imagine your life is a string... mark on it the length of a 6 month segmnt, or even 12 months or 2 years... out of 60 years+ of adulthood it really is very little at all. It feels like a never-ending lifetime when you are waiting for things to change and everything is difficult, but suddenly you'll find yourself with a school-age child and realise it passed in the blink of an eye. Honestly . Time only goes in one direction.

Not sure if this link has been given, but lots of interesting pblished research on normal sleep for breastfed babies here. The Sears Nighttime parenting book is also pretty good.

[WoTmania]

very good post Mooncup :)

[InFlames]

Thanks mooncup - good point about things changing depending on circumstances too i.e. teething / illnesses - and defo on the 'they're tiny for a VERY SHORT time' :-)

[ilovedora27]

I dont think the mum should ly down the law just think families are starange when the dad doesnt want to be as close to the baby as the mum. Its a natural instinct but some dads arent close to their kids, either with co-sleeping or hands on childcare.

I dont know why people wouldnt want to be close to their babies and it doesnt effect sex life at all.

[foreverondiet]

I agree with your DH on this one. Bedrooms should be a private adult space. Its your Dh's bedroom too - go and sleep on the babies bedroom floor if the snuffles are that important.

[exoticfruits]

Dads can be close to their DCs without co sleeping. I know families that co slept and ended up not being very close at all. It is very unimportant-just what suits the family.

[InFlames]

As I think has been highlighted throughout - foreveronadiet - that's not really a 'compromise'?