Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DS in our room FOREVER.....

192 replies

InFlames · 02/06/2011 14:03

....Well, not quite forever.

But DH (who is lovely and a fantastic Dad) is completely unmoveable on his view that DS should go into his own room dead on 26 weeks.

I can't BEAR it yet (note dramatic use of capitals). No idea why, no logic to it, just not ready to not have him in our room yet.

Not about wanting to keep him a tiny baby, and not concerned about SIDS (think other factors are probably bigger i.e. overheating / smoking around Bub etc). But can't bear thought of not hearing his snuffles as I fall asleep.

Have had several 'discussions' on the subject and DH seems to be in the 'You were unwilling to compromise on smacking, I am unwilling to compromise on this' kind of camp.

AIBU and WWYD (or, what have you done)?

OP posts:
Original poster
InFlames · 02/06/2011 20:41

And thank you babyhammock though no different to anyone else's - you do what feels right - most of the time we guess and if it doesn't work we try something else!

OP posts:
ProcessYellowC · 02/06/2011 20:50

YANBU, I think my DH would have been keen to move DS out at 6 months but we didn't have the room! He just seemed too small to be apart from us.

When we moved and DS was 1 year old, I was genuinely happy for him to be finally in his own room, but at the same time I cried at having to fall asleep not listening to his snuffles Blush

Original poster
InFlames · 02/06/2011 20:51

Real mixture of views here, very interesting - might get DH to read it and progress our discussion further :-)

OP posts:
PelvicFloors0fSteel · 02/06/2011 20:59

DS1 was about 18 months when we moved him out, mainly due to layout problems with the house. At one stage I did worry about all the 'he'll never sleep alone, rod for back' rubbish but he has always slept fine in his own room, takes himself off to bed and often doesn't even want a snuggle in the morning Sad.

I have no idea when/how DS2 will leave our room as we still have problems with space but I'm going to make the most of the cuddles until he does.

AtLongLast · 02/06/2011 21:03

Our twins shared a cotbed in our room (well, in theory - usually had one or other in bed with us). When they got to 6months they were getting too big to share the cot (and I think dp did really want our bed/room back) so we put their cots in their room. Ds1 went in the room when he was 6months exactly (ds2 was in our bed that night) - I cried, felt like I had abandoned him and hated leaving my little man all by himself even thought he was just on the other side of the wall and we had the doors open. Logically I knew it was no worse than putting them to bed and going downstairs like we did every night anyway, and didn't mean they actually stayed in their room after going to bed, but it seemed like such a big step. All my issues, I know Grin.

DitaVonCheese · 02/06/2011 21:08

YANBU Grin, but I do agree that your DH should get a say too :)

I was totally against cosleeping before having DD, but from the night she was born was amazed at how strong my instincts were to have her sleeping in my arms - I assume it's several millenia of evolution twanging away and warning me that bears might get her if she's not close enough Wink

She was in her cot until five months-ish (because co-sleeping with a newborn was too scary :() and then the four month sleep regression defeated us and she came into our bed full-time. We moved her into her own room/Big Girl Bed in March, so about 2.5 yo, and fwiw it was really easy, much better than I expected - though I do still love it when she comes in first thing in the morning or even ends up in with us during the night (provided we all actually get some sleep, which isn't going so well atm) Blush

And currently pg with DC2, so co-sleeping doesn't necessarily mean no shagging ever again Wink

SockShitter · 02/06/2011 21:08

if he is thinking this will improve his sex life, upsetting you certainly won't improve things. Maybe make sure this isn't one of his "pros".

DH knows the baby won't be out until I am ready for her to be. Yes we are equal parents but I will be upset if she leaves and probably follow her, he'll just fnd it slightly annoying

cannydoit · 02/06/2011 21:11

never really understood the having babys in room/bed thing except for the convenience when breast feeding but even then. after a couple of months, if not sooner i shipped them off to their own room (isnt that what baby monitors are for) as i wanted to have my own space back with my dp, it was our place, our haven. perhaps that is what he wants, for it just to be you and him in your space, perhaps you should ask him his reasons behind it.

Original poster
InFlames · 02/06/2011 21:19

So far reasons have been largely baby-centered - i.e. making DS clingy, he needs to learn to sleep alone. nothing about sex life (which has not suffered...just got creative!)

BUT actually having 'own' space may well be a factor I'd not considered as much, as currently 'my' space is DS's space too - haven't felt that I get no space/time, though am back at work (I'm a lecturer so very flaxible hours) which is intellectually challenging and may be 'my' space. DH is a nurse so has less 'space' at work in that sense. Though he does have beer festival coming up :-)

'Our' space/time is when DS is in bed (in his cot, where he spends the whole night!, goes down at 7 every night so we get lots of time together.

Food for thought there and def an area to raise with him!

OP posts:
DoodleAlley · 02/06/2011 21:22

DS started doing naps in his own room around one and went into his own room around fifteen months.

I didn't tell any of my friends as they were all really pro moving kids out. Tbh he was noisy at times but seemed to quiet as got older. I find a baby monitor more disruptive!

The initial reason we kept him in was his reflux and needing to hold him up long times after feeds but then I just got hooked on that cot at the end of my bed.

It was sad when he moved out but it did feel like the right time. Its a big deal for us as mothers it's the first real step in them growing up into independence.

Obviously you need to discuss this with your partner but I just wanted to encourage you that you're not unique in feeling this way.

I wish I hadn't been so ashamed of it at the time. It's a big world out there and they are little for such an incredibly short time. We shouldn't feel embarrassed or unusual if we're not ready to move them out at the prescribed time. The right time depends on you and your child.

DS is now nearly three and sleeps very happily in his "big boy bed". He is so eager to grow up and be big that it clearly hasn't affected him but we do share a lovely closeness that isn't the case with all of my friends and their children.

Original poster
InFlames · 02/06/2011 21:34

Thank you all, and esp last post - nice to know it's not just me!!

OP posts:
yukoncher · 02/06/2011 22:08

Some things to note would be that people who shared with baby for longer are saying they didn't have trouble getting their toddler out, they're children aren't clingy and now sleep well alone, seperately.
So maybe the assumption of keeping them close at night causing clinginess in long run is not true (at all)?

foreverknackered · 02/06/2011 22:29

We shared a room with ds until he was 3 and dd was born. She is 8m now and I still miss him!!!

foreverknackered · 02/06/2011 22:29

We shared a room with ds until he was 3 and dd was born. She is 8m now and I still miss him!!!

exoticfruits · 02/06/2011 22:30

Sex happens on the sofa before bed usually. I concieved both DS1 and DD while cosleeping so definitely not a crimp on that side of things.

You and the person who said 'all over the house' obviously don't have the age gap that I have between DCs!
I also think it is much better to sleep in the dark, the light woke mine so reading would have been out.
I don't think that clinginess is anything to do with having them in bed with you or not-it is purely a characte thing.

bonkers20 · 02/06/2011 22:33

yukoncher That has been my experience exactly. DS1(12) did have his own room where we settled him at night, but he always came into our bed when he first woke. This time got later and later until he was staying in his room all night and just coming in in the morning for snuggles.
Of course it could just be his temperament, but we never had any of that up and down stairs nonsense asking for drinks, the loo, looking for monsters, just one more story, cold, hot etc etc.
I truly believe that if you give them what they need, or you think they need when they're small then they feel more secure. Having said that, I am one of those parents who always finds the positive in how we are raising our children.

bonkers20 · 02/06/2011 22:36

exoticfruit I said we have sex in other places in the house. We also have a 10 year gap between our DSs. This means that DS1 is often out during the day when DS2 is napping (in our room) and we can get it on, or he's off at some friends or camp or school trip in the evening. He does go to bed before us still and we have a lovely sofa!

trixymalixy · 02/06/2011 22:37

We co slept with both of our kids when they were little, but eventually it got to a point when we really needed ournown space. It feels like luxury to have the while bed to ourselves all night long. They still come in ocassionalky, but are too wriggly.

CocoPopsAddict · 02/06/2011 22:46

YANBU. In my opinion, six months is too young to sleep alone. My DS is six months - he's still just a little baby.

It makes me feel pretty sad to think of such tiny babies (a few weeks old) shipped out and on their own.

DialsMavis · 02/06/2011 22:57

I couldn't care less where anyone else's children sleep as long as they are warm and happy and comfortable. But to those with older babies and children (6 months +) who cite ease of feeding/ up in the night as a reason to keep them in with you. Do you not think the reason you are still up in the night may be the fact they are still sharing a room with you?

exoticfruits · 02/06/2011 22:58

It never seemed to work like that for us trixymalixy! DH was out 7am -7pm and if the 10yr old was out the one inbetween wasn't and vice versa.

exoticfruits · 02/06/2011 22:58

It would have been nice if it had!

Fumblina · 02/06/2011 22:59

I felt the same at 6 months and seriously procrastinated.

However around 9 or 10 months I realised that DH was probably disturbing DD's sleep as much as he was mine and finally decided it was time. Looking back, it felt like the first little 'goodbye' to my tiny little baby and that may have been a part of my delaying it (if that makes sense?)

TBH as soon as we did move DD to her own room, we all slept better. But I don't wish I had done it sooner at all. I loved the snuffling and knowing she was right there

exoticfruits · 02/06/2011 23:00

It is really just down to personal preference. It was hardly banished when they were next door to our room! The important thing is that both parents feel the same.

hairfullofsnakes · 02/06/2011 23:01

Yanbu at all. Your dh is! Don't force yourself to do this yet, your baby is only a baby still!