To want DS in our room FOREVER.....

[InFlames]

....Well, not quite forever.

But DH (who is lovely and a fantastic Dad) is completely unmoveable on his view that DS should go into his own room dead on 26 weeks.

I can't BEAR it yet (note dramatic use of capitals). No idea why, no logic to it, just not ready to not have him in our room yet.

Not about wanting to keep him a tiny baby, and not concerned about SIDS (think other factors are probably bigger i.e. overheating / smoking around Bub etc). But can't bear thought of not hearing his snuffles as I fall asleep.

Have had several 'discussions' on the subject and DH seems to be in the 'You were unwilling to compromise on smacking, I am unwilling to compromise on this' kind of camp.

AIBU and WWYD (or, what have you done)?

Ds2 has just moved out of our room. He's almost 2 !
He's mostly been sneaking back in around 3 ish.
Ds1 went into his own room at around 1.5.

As I am the only one who can calm ds2 at night, dh goes with what I want - anything for peace and quiet at night he says.

It seems very simplistic to me to say that something only has an effect on you if you have overt memories of it Presumably I could just keep DD in the cupboard under the stairs for the first 3 years of her life with no ill effects then ... ?

Far more important to your baby is not to argue.

If he was old enough he would say 'I don't want you fighting over me'! Unfortunately he gets quite left out.
Maybe he would be prepared to do it a bit longer if you absolutely promised not to move the goal posts when you get to that time.
In fact that seems to be the best compromise. Sort a date and stick to it.

lynehamrose - DS needs are paramount.

He needs to feel secure, loved, safe, fed, clean, stimulated, happy.

Hypothetically, if mum's needs are met, will this not make for a happier and stronger relationship? Ditto if father's needs are met, they will have a stronger bond.

Probably quite simplistic but I'm seeing a fair few posts that suggest that the mother's needs should be bottom of the pile, after baby and DH, or that mother prioritising her needs is wrong?

Again think it comes back to the need / want thing - I want DS to staying in our room, DH doesn't - we need (for DS) to find a compromise.

Dh has also expressed concern that ds2 needs to get used to being alone. Now, at 2 I think he's almost ready.

Things change, you can't always predict how you will feel about things, especially when it comes to your baby.

'DS needs to get used to being on his own' - at 6 months, why the hurry?

• 'I would quite like some 'adult space' (and I don't mean sex)' - does this have to be the bedroom?

• 'The longer it's left, the harder it gets to do' - not in my experience and DS1 is 7 now.

• 'If I thought in a few weeks / months, you would be ready, I'd suggest waiting. But I'm not sure you WILL be ready' - so it isn't a biggy to him now?

It all comes down to desires and wants because I actually agree it won't make much difference to the baby's needs. I just don't automatically think that a man's wants overrides a woman's.

Could you do separate rooms?
Ds and you in one and your dh in another or is that a big no no?
Dh and I sometimes do this when dh just wants to be away from dc.

exoticfruits - yep, we talked about it, didn;t set 6 months as a solid date but as it's got nearer, it's become more of a solid date and I've been suprised by the strength of my feelings not to move him....So yep, suppost I'm looking for some flexibility in the goalposts and am willing to be flexible too :-)

In fact I would say 'we agreed to 6 months, but I didn't realise that I wouldn't be ready, now I know how I feel, lets agree another date and this time I will stick to it regardless of how I feel when we get there'. His main fear seems to be that it wil be never ending -or until you have another and start again!

Morloth- in answer to your question, I think bringing up a child should be about the Childs needs first. Mum and dads needs and wants then come equal second

exoticfruits I see what you are saying. You are saying that for you, sleeping arrangements are not a big deal and you don't want to sweat the small stuff. Good for you, you must function better than me on a broken night's sleep :)

For me, sleeping arrangements are a big deal. I need my sleep. I was so shattered getting up 2/3 times a night for 16 months with my first child. It nearly killed me. I fell asleep with her feeding in a nursing chair more times than I want to think about. It was a miracle I didn't drop her. I was shattered during the day had no energy, worried about driving etc.

Co-sleeping makes my life so much easier and I get to sleep :)

I would be very cross if my DH said I want to make life harder for you, by putting our baby in other room. So you will have less sleep and more time up at night, listening to the damm clock tick, just because I say so :(

Just realised that saying DS1 is 7 now in response to that point implies we are still cosleeping with him. He got moved into his own room at about a year. 99.9% of the time he sleeps in his bed, but comes into ours in the morning or when he has a nightmare.

Sleep or lack of it was a huge issue in our house which is why we had own rooms.

So given that the child's needs will be met either way lynehamrose what is the problem with the OP's wants trumping her DH's? Why did you make the comment you did?

OP,

Your baby is tiny he does not need get use to being on his own. He needs to be close to his parents. Remind your DH he doesn't want to sleep on his own at his age, why would a tiny baby choose to sleep isolated away from the sight, sound of his parents sleeping.

Might be worth what 'adult space' your DH wants/expects. He is a parent now and his own needs might have to be readjusted to make allowance for his son. Or maybe you can give him the future nursery room and he can DH's space/study room to do what he wants in.

It is much easier to move out a toddler in the sense that you can talk to them and explain what is happening. Plus a tiny baby thinks that you stop existing once you leave their room and some babies will react badly to this (some babies are more than happy on their own, depends on the baby of course)

'If I thought in a few weeks / months, you would be ready, I'd suggest waiting. But I'm not sure you WILL be ready' Don't get it. He knows you are not ready but is going to push you now, because you don't have a crystal ball to give him a date when you will be ready.

What about suggesting that things stay the same for the next two months, you'll think about what he has brought up and he gets his own 'adult space' and review the sleeping arrangements then. Or move baby out and he does the night parenting.

Have you thought about saying that when your ds is not being BF at 5am he can be in his own room. Whilst you are feeding him at that time I can understand you wanting him close. Our dd3 went in her own room at about 10months when she no longer wanted bfing diuring the night

I think you do need to find an agreed solution. My concern would be that the reasons your DH is putting forward for moving your DS out largely seem to be based on old wives tales, rather than evidence or a particular parenting philosophy.

Would definitely recommend your DH reads up on attachment parenting and co-sleeping, eg The Baby Book by Bill Sears, or Deborah Jackson's 3 in a bed. The philosophy is broadly that if you meet your baby's needs for comfort and security (and humans are hardwired to want to sleep together as a survival machanism), then the more self-confident and secure they will be when they are older.

FWIW, DS 2.5 has always co-slept with me, although he has a bed available if he wants it. I have the light on, talk on the phone, type on the computer and he sleeps through the lot. It's what he's used to.

Morloth- you seem to have a problem with my point of view!
I am simply stating that i think the Childs needs should come first, then the parents equal second. If the parents do not see eye to eye on an issue, then the adult thing to do is discuss and come to a compromise (which it sounds like op did orginally )

I don't see why either the mother or father should 'trump', as you put it, the other, because that implies one parent is superior to the other- which is not, IMO, a positive or healthy role model for children

Trouble with all the wonderful things you plan for when child is still in womb is the fact that so much changes when they arrive! So, much as I initially agreed 6 months ish was probably about right, I didn't bet on my feelings being so different when the time came!

There was a thread recently about someone having very high standards for themselves as a future mum - I think there were lots of 'great idealism, wait til baby's here though...' kind of replies. Def how we're finding this - there were lots of things we thought we had nailed, but then things change becasue baby quite likes dummy, for example, and him settling wehn going to sleep or in the car seemed more important than our ideal that he wouldn;t have a dummy.....as it is, despite the dummy, DS sucked his thumb from birth, we tried to replace with dummy figuring dummy easier to remove than thumb (you know what I mean, not that we've REMOVE his thumb ....) - and he regularly abandons dummy in favour of thumb anyhow :-)

So, things change as time goes on, things work or don't work so you try something new etc etc.

My point lynehamrose is that, depending on your point of view, baby being in same room as parents as ours currently is, or in parent's bed as lots of posters here have discussed, may be the very best thing for meeting baby's needs. Ditto, for lots of other posters, baby's needs have been met by moving child out at x weeks / months. As I've said, I think you're right that my wants are evident in my posts - what DS needs is happy secure parents who compromise...

On the compromising point, there have been some helpful suggestions in terms of books to read to make an informed choice for both of us and also middle ground we can meet like setting a new date. That way neither of us are 'trumping' the other. I need to give a little bit as does DH :-)

Clearly different people have different views. I think YANBU and I think your DH is not being unreasonable either.

My twopence worth is that I have realised recently that it is bloody important to work on your marriage as well when you have kids. Your DH (hopefully) will still be there years after your kids have left home and don't want to see you anymore... (or as much). Therefore, you should love/communicate with etc your DH as much as your DCs. So if your DH does not want to do this anymore, talk to him. Sort out a compromise. I utterly sympathise, personally, with anyone who wants their bed and bedroom to be the place where they are exclusively with their other half.

Best of luck. You sound like a really nice person, I'm sure you will sort it out

babieseverywhere I fundamentally disagree with your post though.

Babies do not need to sleep 'close to their parents'.

And just because you have a baby, does not mean that you have to compromise your every need/desire from that moment on. If her DH wants his bed to be DC-free, that is a legitimate desire.

Excellent post, littleone.

I would also emphasise talking rather than giving each other book lists to read!
The problem with paying too much attention to 'experts' is that theories and ideologies change almost with the wind. Look at all the differing theories regarding feeding, sleeping, weaning etc which have arisen over the recent years- conflicting or what!! The point is, there is no 'right way'. Probably many MNers were babies at a time when co sleeping was a big no no. I know I was in my own room in a cot from the day I was brought home from hospital- oh and I was fed strictly by routine. I am a perfectly well adjusted adult and I get on well with my parents still. So don't fall for the idea that there is a right and wrong way

I should keep off all books like Attachment Parenting-or any baby book! Go with your instinct. The important thing with babies is that they are all different , there is never a 'right' answer, only a 'right' answer for you and your baby and you can be absolutely sure that your baby hasn't read the same books.
Babies do not need to sleep with parents, it is nice if baby and parents want it. Some babies like peace and quiet and their own space.

I agree entirely with LittleOneMum you need to work on your marriage, you are very honoured to have your DC on loan for a very short time-you have your DH for very much longer. It is in the DCs interests to have 2 parents who love each other not ones where mother is the senior parent and lays down the law and DH is second.

You can be flexible anyway-these things don't have to be set in stone. We had separate rooms but we often played 'musical beds' and I had DC in with me if they were ill and DH went into their room.

Suit the family, don't start reading the 'experts' and feeling guilty-you have no idea what their DC are like-very often insecure IMO. (not always-but they are not experts on your baby or your family.

We kind of take bits and pieces from various theories and guidelines and use a mish mash. And agree on majority of big things like controlled crying, which I thinks has more of an impact than where DS sleeps, and education, and whether he has fizzy pop when he's bigger, and the ethical or moral foundation we want him to grow up with.

Think we're veering toward a few more weeks while still bf at 5am and then seeing how it goes-- on discussion, some of it prompted by the different views in here, DH was less aware of how big an issue it is for me and is less fixed on'26 weeks' which in turn has made me less fixed on 'when I'm ready'.

As an aside, I am really blessed to have such a lovely husband tho - and one who is open to compromise- but then that's why I married him :-) he is also a brilliant Dad who def wants best for DS and realises that happy muy is big part of this- in turn, I prob do need to be a little more flexible when there aren't easy solutions - this will after all not be the only issue we disagree on :-)