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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that you don't just drop your child off at hospital then FUCK OFF OUT!

131 replies

KnowItAllMummy · 01/06/2011 19:40

Exactly what title says!

I found out someone I know's son got poorly and got taken into hospital, she got him there in the early hours of the morning and then got the earliest train to go out to a festival! W.T.F??

Am I being unreasonable to think she is a bad mum?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2011 20:54

Of course. You said she leaves her child with people who cannot operate his dialysis machine and you say they couldnt do anything about it if he needed it. Why on earth are you posting here about her going away for the weekend when you are fully aware she regularly risks his life but havent thought to report it!! Mind boggles.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 01/06/2011 20:55

I did almost all DD's care because its what she wanted. I gave up my job and OH stayed in work. He had to look after the boys.

There was nowhere to park at the hospital so we had to do switch arounds. He would call me from the car and I would go and meet him, swap and drive the boys back home. I would do the housework and spend a few hours with the boys then go back to the hospital.

The way his MS is meant he really couldnt deal with the hospital routine. He cant sleep on chairs and he couldnt do the running around after DD - getting her food and stuff. Ironic how unaccessible hospitals are for disabled parents hey? Hmm

When she became terminal he stayed for a couple of weekends whilst I got the house ready for her.

When she came home he took over a lot of the stuff so I could spend time being with her rather than nursing her ft. I think it helped him to be 'doing something'.

Original poster
KnowItAllMummy · 01/06/2011 20:56

I just haven't ever thought about it, just been appalled at her behaviour.

Maybe I need to be more pro-active?

OP posts:
thefirstMrsDeVere · 01/06/2011 20:57

I had a couple of friends who came out of the woodwork and were wonderful. I had hundreds of friends and family who seemed to disappear somehow Hmm

But others can only do so much. I couldnt leave anyone else with DD because they didnt know what she needed or how the hospital worked. It would have been nice to have some help with the boys so me and OH could have spent time with DD together.

rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2011 20:59

personally if I knew a child's life was at risk on a regular basis, I wouldnt hesitate to contact social services. Far better than slagging her off on an internet forum.

Sirzy · 01/06/2011 21:01

Well if you are genuinely worried about the child which is how your posts come across then of course you should do something.

Riveninside · 01/06/2011 21:29

Right about how useless hospitals are for disabled parents mtsdevere. Theres nowhere for my wheelchair on a crowded ward plus dds wheelchair. I cant fit innthe parents kitchen. Fine whe i can walk but a bit shit when i cant. If dd wetsbthe bed i once waited 2 hours with dd lying in her own urine sobbing ro get a nurse to help me lift her to change the damn bed (i was stuffing towels under her) dh had had to go to a work assessment where they threatenend him bevause of the amount of time he has off for dd.
I dread hospitals. Even last week which was one day routine surgery. Id called ahead to PALS to make sure thebhoist would be there and they knew i needed help with feeds, nappies and lifting. None of it was there on the day. Again.

PregolaLola · 01/06/2011 21:36

i am little shocked at how many posters have made excuses, clearly dont feel the same as i that a car show does not quite measure up to having more children at home to look after Hmm

i think though OP you are doing this post just to share some disgust, maybe you should be thinking about it as more than just a post that would do well on mumsnet
riveninside your experiences sound horrible, such a shame youve had to deal with these issues at a hard enough time

PregolaLola · 01/06/2011 21:39

and you thefirstmsdevere totally unfair how hospitals are run

Shoesytwoesy · 01/06/2011 21:45

i thought you had to stay with them to look after them.
when dd has been in hospital I or dh stayed with her(execpt once when I was sent home as she was drugged and they told me she wouldn't wake until morning......she woke before dawn , but I was only across town) but can't imagine leaving her or any child awake.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 01/06/2011 21:46

Its crap Riven.
There was a mum who was a wheelchair user at the Middlesex. Really hard for her to get about. Mind you that hospital was a few centuries old. I dont know what the excuse is on a modern ward.
OH missed out, DD missed out, I missed out and the boys missed out because OH couldnt spend much time on the ward.

Its one of the main reasons I had DCs 4 & 5 at home. That and the anxiety induced by going with half a mile of a hospital.

I only did it for two years. I dont know how you do it. I know you hear that all the time and its not helpful. I mean it though. I have done it and I know what a toll it takes.

Shoesytwoesy · 01/06/2011 21:47

Riveninside when dd was in overnight for an op, we(there was another family from her schol there) were told we couldn't keep the wheelchairs on the ward(big ward with 3 patients and loads of space) WTF they thought we could do with our childs legs I don't know.

Sirzy · 01/06/2011 21:49

Shoesytwoesy Whenever DS has been in hospital as part of the admission to the ward they discuss what level of care I am willing to help with and I sign the form (as does the nurse doing the admission) I always agree to do all day to day care and medicines as his condition allows but there are always parents who for whatever reasons don't always stay.

TurkeyBurgerThing · 01/06/2011 22:19

All 3 of mine have been hospitalised for minor surgery. DD trapped a finger in the door and had to have an op. She was 2 at the time and I was ready to pop with DS2. You couldn't have separated me from her bedside with a crowbar. I was they hysterical pregnant lady and needed more comforting than she did. The hospital were great and pulled me up a bed next to her cot. I didn't sleep though, I just stared at her all night long.

When DS2 was born he had to spend the night in SCBU (nothing even remotely serious!) I had to be dragged from his bedside and told to sleep on a couch in a room. They expected me to go back up to the ward...yeah RIGHT!

I understand long term mothers (or fathers) can't be there 24/7 but to leave a little 2 year old and piss off to a festival is not right.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/06/2011 23:22

Just a question, Knowitall... Did you find out from the mother herself or did you hear it from somebody else? Regardless of the rights and wrongs of the scenario, if it's correct, I hope the mother doesn't post her and recognise what you've posted as it's quite specific really.

.. and yes, you're being unreasonable to classify somebody as a bad parent when you know only a snapshot. I doubt that will stop you though, you seem desperate to judge. Hmm

MichaelaS · 01/06/2011 23:32

bad mother, simple as. if the story is as told of course. noone should leave a toddler alone in hospital. Sometimes it is necessary, if you have other children and no support network to help. But mostly it is not necessary. A call to the school, to a friend, grandparents if you have them near, partner even if separated.

From my 6 or 7 months of DS being in hospital over the past 2 years, we spent 8 hours a day with him when on NICU or SCBU (not allowed to sleep there), and one of us was there 24/7 when on paediatric and he was old enough to notice if we were there or not. only left for a wee, sorted out food in relays, slept alternate nights at the hospital.

Much much harder for single parents, or for those with older children, but not impossible. If you do have to leave you discuss it with the nurses first and explain when you expect to be back. You try to arrange for someone the child knows to come sit with them in the mean time.

I've only seen 2 children left by their parents for a substantial time. One was a 10 year old boy whose extended family left him for about 5 or 6 hours whilst they went home to gather stuff. He was a frequent visitor, knew the staff, understood his dad was coming back, and seemed bored but OK with the situation. The other one was a newborn baby in NICU who never had any visitors. Think the mother must have been in prison or rehab (quite likely), or perhaps a single mum who died in premature labour (very unlikely). The baby did not return to the birth family on discharge. The nurses were extra specially kind to him whilst he was there, and I would have brought him home with me if I could, poor sod didn't deserve that start in life.

Children's needs always come before parents needs. Sick child trumps healthy child but all children need looking after. Its hard to be a single parent but its also very rare for a single parent to have no plan B or friends you can call in an emergency.

I have my judgey pants on tonight, obviously.

Sirzy · 02/06/2011 05:36

Childrens needs do come first of course. However that need isn't always as simple as a parent stood next to the bed. As the nurses said to me when persuading me to go home to sleep for a few hours it is when a sick child gets home they really need the parents, in hopsital they are in the position to have the support of the medical team when you get home it hits you. An exahusted parent (physically, mentally or both) is useless to that child.

Sometimes it is in the best interest of the child that the parent looks after themselves. Now the furthest I went other than my bed was mcdonalds (I was that desperate for something that wasn't hospital food) and find going to a festival rather bizzare but we dont know enough to judge IMO.

chubbly · 02/06/2011 07:29

Sirzy - Thank you! That was what I was trying to clumsily splurt out earlier. We're very lucky - our nurses where superb in SCBU, and no parent stayed 24/7. Although I do admit that I would check which nurse was assigned our dd over night and if it was someone I wasn't as keen on dh and I would shift overnight. I realised I needed to get over my exhaustion when I had to go through resuss training three times... I just couldn't concentrate. We are lucky to have a community unit, so babies go home earlier than some other areas with all their tubes and bits. The team then see you at home 3-4 times a week. You are then taking over the care that the nurses did, not everyone does it. You need to live near the hospital and go through training but at least your dcs are at home.

ballstoit · 02/06/2011 07:55

I think this is rubbish parenting but I'm not surprised by it. My DS has been in hospital twice and both times there have been other children left alone on the ward. The first time a boy in the next bed was left to have a (routine) operation under general anasthetic. He sreamed and screamed when he came round and nobody except my SIL who came with me seemed bothered about him.

If she is as bad as she sounds then I'd report her to SS. However, on a daily basis things are hard as a lone parent and offering help and support is probably more constructive than slagging her off on Mnet.

SkipToTheEnd · 02/06/2011 08:08

I feel sad for the poor little boy :(

DD was poorly when she was small and a baby in the next cot was left for hours on end. He was always so upset and if DD was settled I used to stroke his head until he fell asleep. He was 8 months poor thing. The nurses did what they could but I actually got told not to have contact with him because of cross contamination - I just couldn't bare to hear him sob though.

I left DD once in 9 days, for an appointment I just couldn't miss and I actually burst into tears in the middle of it and they let me call the ward to check. My sister was there but I still felt awful. I felt so helpless most of the time that being there for comfort was the only thing I could offer.

I'd understand her leaving to go to other children or sleep and refresh etc but not a car show.

hester · 02/06/2011 08:18

This is such a sad thread - particularly hearing from so many parents and nurses who have seen this themselves.

Of course we don't know this woman or her full circumstances. Of course it's unbelievably tough caring for a child with long-term health problems. However, there is also a real problem with NOT judging, because that's how we set the social standard that parents should be with their sick children. If there's no social disapproval, we'll get more children being left to get on with it, surely?

My (adopted) dd spent a good while in hospital at the start of her life, drugged and in pain. She had no visitors, none. Despite having extended family all living nearby, and all aware that she was left entirely alone for weeks and weeks. I try to console myself that the staff would have given her cuddles, but I know that in reality they would have been too busy to do much of that Sad

lubberlich · 02/06/2011 08:19

Dumping your kid in order to piss off to a festival is neglect.
Report the bitch.

sadiesadiemarriedlady · 02/06/2011 09:34

It not only affects the child left alone but also the level of care which can be given to others. Nurses babysitting children left alone are not doing what they should be. I do judge these people who leave their children alone in hospital. I've stayed on a ward where it happened time after time after time. I had a nervous breakdown whilst in hospital with my child but I stuck like glue to my child as my child is my responsibility.

One mum I knew who didn't stay with her child was called from the hospital to come in as her child was not looking like he was going to make it through the afternoon. She was at home in the sunshine painting her garden fence and said she would come in when she'd finished the fence. A Consultant then called her and told her to get in and leave the fence as her child was dying. Unbelievable.

I do judge. Bad parenting. No excuses and I've heard them all.

LucretiaInShadows · 02/06/2011 09:39

My DP had an operation as a baby, and in those days his Mum wasn't allowed to stay with him. 40 years on it still upsets her.

slartybartfast · 02/06/2011 09:46

thsi is gossip via facebook,
a load of crap.
we dont know.
ask her OP

perhaps the nurses on the ward told her to look after herself and have some me time.
i dont know.