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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that you don't just drop your child off at hospital then FUCK OFF OUT!

131 replies

KnowItAllMummy · 01/06/2011 19:40

Exactly what title says!

I found out someone I know's son got poorly and got taken into hospital, she got him there in the early hours of the morning and then got the earliest train to go out to a festival! W.T.F??

Am I being unreasonable to think she is a bad mum?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2011 20:22

So, she doesnt deal with it in a way that you find acceptable therefore she doesnt give a shit. Maybe she doesnt. I have no idea. Why doesnt she give the child up to care then?

rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2011 20:22

I've seen parents beg social services for help and still not get it.

Original poster
KnowItAllMummy · 01/06/2011 20:23

Disasterpiece, I doubt very much that she would listen, she is a very headstrong person and would just turn nasty I imagine.

Just a bit of background here, she also has torrets, I don't know if this would make her behave in this way, but I know it makes her very opinionated and has no problems voicing her opinion.

And to be completely honest, I'm not really close enough to her to be able to have the kind of talk with her to tell her to buck her ideas up.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2011 20:23

Yes, telling her to buck her ideas up would be a real help.

Northernlurker · 01/06/2011 20:25

Dear Lord! So the child is on peritoneal dialysis and had developed an infection on his PD catheter? I work in admin on an adult renal unit and that is quite a frequent event for some patients so if it's happened before with him she ma have been more blase about it than she should be. Like any inection it can be serious and my most immediate concern would be that it means the catheter would need t be removed either temporarily or permanently and the child converted to haemodialysis which would require three lengthy hospital stays per week. Do you think anybody has actually explained that to her though?
I would normally be very hesitant to call somebody a bad mother (THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF gOD AND ALL THAT) but knowing what a lifelong battle this child will have, actually yes if she knows the seroiusness of a situation and still cleared off I'm happy to say that she is a bad mother.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 01/06/2011 20:25

rainbow sorry but that simply isnt the case.

I wasnt 'coping' with DD's dx and treatment. It was killing me. I didnt leave her though.

I am sure you dont mean it but it does sound as if someone who leaves their child is somehow more worthy of sympathy than someone who stays. Because they are finding it harder? IYSWIM.

NettoSuperstar · 01/06/2011 20:25

It sounds awful, but, is the Mum ok?
I'm guessing not.

Not exactly excusable, but has she had any help in dealing with an ill DC?

Perhaps she is just horrid though, but I'm loathe to say that, knowing how thin on the ground support is when you are struggling.

Disasterpiece · 01/06/2011 20:25

Karen I think the father was already away before the baby got poorly.

Know I know nothing of tourettes, if id did have any affect on how she handled these situations I think after almost 2 years that there woul be osme input from SS or other.

JoandMax · 01/06/2011 20:27

It happens a lot unfortunately, I have seen lots of children and babies left alone in my time in hospital with DS2, it's utterly heartbreaking.

The worst was an 8 week old baby whose mother popped in for half an hour a day, the baby used to cry all the time and although the nurses were great they didn't have time to cuddle her as much as she needed. It was so awful listening, I wanted to pick her up but was told in no uncertain terms to not go near her (on a ward so nothing infectious).

Being in hospital with a baby/child is awful, scary, stressful but I haven't once left DS2 for a moment, I couldn't bear for him to be alone, even though I once spent 2 weeks crying myself to sleep every night as I hated it and missed DS1 dreadfully. However bad it is for me he is my child, my responsibilty and needs me more than ever.

This is all a bit raw for me as we are going back next week for surgery.

Disasterpiece · 01/06/2011 20:28

NorthernLurker Of course she knows the seriousness of it all.

Also, dont think its his PD catheter its his heart/central line isnt it? In a way thats worse!

FairhairedandFrustrated · 01/06/2011 20:29

OP, with respect, you have heard all this from someone else... chinese whispers often get messed and tangled and bits added on.

Just saying.

lisad123 · 01/06/2011 20:29

saw this a few times when DD2 was in hospital. One ten year old was dropped off and parents didnt come back till next after, I thought that was bad! OP she sounds liek aselfish moo

Weeteeny · 01/06/2011 20:29

Last year my ds was admitted for an acute asthma attack, the first night we were in the hospital there was a wee boy about 10 or 11 who came in and was in the bed opposite, i heard his mum say "trust this to happen the night x factor begins" I thought she was joking, a bit of Glasgow humour. But no, mum and dad disappeared as soon the doctor and nurses backs were turned. The boy was struggling with a breathing difficulty and my DH helped to make him comfortable . I felt heart sick for the child. This was the admissions ward where childrenwere being assessed if they would be admitted etc. We moved up to a different ward at about 2am and left him, still
alone. The worst of it was the child was really defensive when asked by the staff where his mum and dad were, which made it seem
like this was a common occurance and he didn't expect them to stay. Horrible horrible

rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2011 20:30

Just because I'm not jumping on the judging bandwagon of slagging her off without knowing anything about the situation or her mental state, doesnt mean I feel people who cope better shouldnt have sympathy. However, my sympathy isnt limited to those who act in the expected, acceptable manner.

Disasterpiece · 01/06/2011 20:31

JoandMax It is heartbreaking listening to the babies cry isnt it, as a mother all you want to do is go and cuddle them.

Ive just remembered there used to be a girl of around 9 who used to come in for one week ata time for tests etc. Her mother dropped her off monday morning and picked her up sunday evening.

The nurses once pointed out to me that she only comes in on school holidays.

What does that say to you?

TheSecondComing · 01/06/2011 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sharbie · 01/06/2011 20:32

we are split here aren't we?
there are the parents who have witnessed this in rl and the nurses who see it at work

and those who can't accept it or refuse to judge and make excuses/reasons why

its horrible and it happens - i was shocked but it is the case for lots of children

thefirstMrsDeVere · 01/06/2011 20:32

I do agree that this is not first hand so it should be treated with some caution. We cant know what is really going on.

Not everyone can stay all the time with their children and it must be heartbreaking to be forced to leave them.

But if a child is admitted for an emergency surely it is better to stay? Things happen so quickly. The staff need to discuss options and ask questions. Children need so much care when they are on the ward and there is never enough staff to provide everything.

chubbly · 01/06/2011 20:33

I know it's easy to judge people leaving babies, my dd2 was in hospital for weeks as a baby. I wanted to stay all day and night but I have to look after dd1 and you need some normality. After one month you feel institutionalised, You know all nurses by name, what time the shifts are, which doctors are on when.
all you think about it if your baby is crying when you're away. But you have to have showers, pay bills, not eat junk food. If you go to nicu or scbu units there often are fewer parents than you expect. Nurses shoo you home to rest, I don't know any parents that left each night without falling apart on the way home. You need to be ready for when they come home, and that doesn't mean exhausted from not leaving their side. Once you get home you need to take over a lot of the care the nurses did, learning to deal with tubes, suppliments, drugs, filling care charts etc. Please be a little kinder to people that are already dealing with their worse nightmares.
However, I'm a bit worried that she left for a whole weekend.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 01/06/2011 20:34

I did try and have a conversation Rainbow.

Seems a bit pointless as you are so intent on being enraged on behalf of this person.

I cant be arsed.

Too painful.

Disasterpiece · 01/06/2011 20:35

Chubbly, I did all you just mentioned AND stayed with him... Hmm Not sure how staying with your child hinders their recovery and treatment at home.

Also to add I dont have other children which obviously makes a huge difference!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 01/06/2011 20:36

Having a sick child doesnt turn you into a wonderful parent.

If you are crap before they got sick you may pull yourself together but you may not.

We are not all heros.

The parent in the OP may be having a breakdown or she may be just be selfish.
Who knows?

Disasterpiece · 01/06/2011 20:36

Thefirstmrs seems we are firlmly on the same page here! Grin

Sadly.

Original poster
KnowItAllMummy · 01/06/2011 20:36

Fairhairedandfrustrated, I know it happened because I saw her Facebook statuss about going to hospital, and I also saw all her uploaded photos of her there with her bits out having a great time.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2011 20:37

I'm not enraged, I've never met her and dont know her. I have met lots of parents in her situation though. Just because I'm not slagging her off and calling her names mean I'm not engaging in a conversation. What can we say? We know nothing about the circumstances but I'm expected to condemn her on hearsay..