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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that you don't just drop your child off at hospital then FUCK OFF OUT!

131 replies

KnowItAllMummy · 01/06/2011 19:40

Exactly what title says!

I found out someone I know's son got poorly and got taken into hospital, she got him there in the early hours of the morning and then got the earliest train to go out to a festival! W.T.F??

Am I being unreasonable to think she is a bad mum?

OP posts:
jcscot · 01/06/2011 20:37

My eight-month old baby was recently admitted to hospital and I had to leave her there for the first night she was in. The staff would have preferred me to stay (as did I) but I had no other choice. I have two small children at home (aged 4 and two) who were being watched by my mother. She couldn't stay with them overnight because she had to go home to my father (who is confined to a wheelchair) and she couldn't take them with her.

My husband was en route back to the UK from Afghanistan, so he was not available.

Does that make me a bad mother?

I didn't offer the staff any explanations other than to say that it wasn't possible for me to stay that first night. Leaving my wee girl there on her own when she was so sick was simply the hardest thing I've had to do. My husband made it home the following day and from then on, one of us was always with her.

Perhaps we shouldn't judge people unless we know the whole story (although that's not to say that there aren't people who do "drop" their children off in hospital and then leave them).

xstitch · 01/06/2011 20:37

To me the only reasons to leave a child in hospital would be to go and get stuff for the child if it was an emergency admission and/or collect another child from school/nursery and take time to sort out childcare for the other child. My friends for example had to go and get her other child from school and wait til her mum drove over from the East Coast. Before I get flamed for not helping out I didn't find out til after the event

lesley33 · 01/06/2011 20:38

I remember years ago when my mum was in hospital there was an 8 year old in the bed next to her who had no visitors for the whole 5 days he was in hospital. My dad brought comics and sweets in for himand chatted to him as he felt so sorry for him.

xstitch · 01/06/2011 20:38

That's very different from going to a festival though though jcscot

rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2011 20:39

I had to leave dh recently in hospital. He was very ill and about to go in for emergency surgery. I am sure I got judged. I had to go home to take dc to school.

Riveninside · 01/06/2011 20:39

Maybe she needed a break? Dd has been in multiple times and several times i have taken ds2 camping and left dh with her. Other children need care too. Dd can be in for weeks on end.
Now one of us is always with her (too many hospital mistakes plus none of the nurses could do tube feeds) but its not always me anymore.

TheHumanCatapult · 01/06/2011 20:39

remeber not so much this mum but in cases of babys left or other dc .Mum might not have anyone at home to look after other dc so ha sno choice bar to go home .

I would leave ds2 quite happily on ward while i wandered of from about the age of 8 ,hell by age of 9-10 he say go home mum and people may have judged me but they would not know that he had been in and out ward so much for 5 years or so and he was on first name terms with staff etc and was quite at home .
And was pretty blase when he was rushed in no panic as knew what was normal , knew the medications knew the next step .Where anothe rparent would probably fall apart becuase it be frighting
disaster

Erm thing is who sets the dates for the tests .That be the drs request .But yes if mum other realtives was not visitng between then yes thats unfair

Ds3 ok i never leave him but he is non verbal but you know what sometimes so exhauseted i used to pray for a break and I could only stay becuase moved nearer to my mum and she could come stay look after the other /

Disasterpiece · 01/06/2011 20:40

Jscot Thats different. Totally different to the OPs friend.

jcscot · 01/06/2011 20:41

"That's very different from going to a festival though though jcscot"

I agree but, as others have pointed out, it's easy to judge if we only know some of the facts. Certainly, it looks like neglectful (for want of a better word) behaviour, but who knows what else is going on?

thefirstMrsDeVere · 01/06/2011 20:41

I havent called her names.
I dont know her.
I know lots of people who have been in her situation.
I have been in her situation.
Staying with your child doesnt mean you are coping. It doesnt mean you find it easier than someone who leaves their child.

Its not easy. Its fucking terrible and it rips your life apart. It pushes your relationship with your partner to breaking point and your other children think you have abandoned them.
You cant just leave a sick child on their own if you dont have to. You shouldnt. Its wrong.

If you have to, if you are forced to by circumstances noone should make you feel guilty. They dont have to - you will feel guilty enough without their help.
Parents should be able to get a break. Going away for a weekend is not the same as going home for a bit of normality.

Original poster
KnowItAllMummy · 01/06/2011 20:43

jcscot, she has no other children, and even when her DC is home, if it's not her XPs weekend, she fobs him off to other people, family and even friends that don't even know how to use the dialysis machine, so if something happened they couldn't do anything about it.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/06/2011 20:44

Personally when DS was ill I didn't leave his side until the point where I broke down in front of the staff (he had just pulled through the time where it was touch and go if he would survive) and was sent home to get some sleep - at that point my mum took over for the night but I was back at 5am the next morning.

However, I was lucky that I had a good support network to help me. I didn't cope I survived and that would have been much harder without support.

This to me sounds like a cry for help as much as anything - and if it is I hope she gets that help.

blackbirdfly · 01/06/2011 20:45

When I was in my early to mid 20s I had a boyfriend who had suffered from childhood cancer (hodgkins?)

He must be about 45 now but when he was a child he underwent a lot of pioneering cancer treatment. He had radiotherapy when it was just being tested and the doses were very strong - his neck and shoulders basically hadn't grown since he was a pre pubescent teen because of it so he had an adult body with child-sized shoulders and neck, if that makes sense.

He had pretty much no relationship with his parents and when I asked why he said it was because they were extremely neglectful. When he was in hospital, very, very sick after his cancer treatments his parents would refuse to collect him. The hospital had to send him home in an ambulance or a taxi because his parents (who had a car) could not be fucking bothered to pick up their 12 year old son, recovering from one of the most hardcore medical treatments there was.

Some people truly do not deserve the children they have.

rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2011 20:45

So, op, knowing all this I assume you've spoken to social services about your concerns? Or are you more the type to post on mumsnet about it instead?

thefirstMrsDeVere · 01/06/2011 20:46

Does anyone think anyone is a bad parent for leaving a child in hosptial because they have to?
Or because they need a break at home
Or because they are seeing to the needs of their other children?

I dont think that is the case it is?

IF the woman in the OP is leaving her sick child to go to a festival. Does anyone think that is the same thing?

Riveninside exactly why I couldnt leave DD. She was old enough and articulate enough to tell me what was going on but I could not leave her due to mistakes made in her care. I couldnt risk it. Due to spending so much time in hospital with DD I do not feel I could leave any of my children on their own.
I am not paranoid and I have a huge respect for medical staff.
But I have seen and experienced far too much.

Northernlurker · 01/06/2011 20:48

Disasterpiece - I know the op said 'line' but I wondered if that was a mixed up message in some way. Of course he could have a central line in as well. You're right - she must know how serious this is.

I have no issue with parents going home for a break, to take care of other children, to get some head space. That's necessary. That's not what the mum here has done.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 01/06/2011 20:48

It could be a cry for help.
It may not be.

We cant possibly know.

TheHumanCatapult · 01/06/2011 20:48

hmm knowitallmummy

Guess your name says it all .Unless you know first hand not through someone else .Maybe time to keep quiet and if your not in her shoes how can you judge .And if you know this direct not heard from a friend then well have you done anything about it

Riveninside · 01/06/2011 20:50

I am paranoid but figure dh is her parent too. In the early years i did every minute then had a breakdown when she was 3. Now i get him too do nights and times i need to be with the others. This risks his job of course but i can no longer do it all.

tholeon · 01/06/2011 20:50

none of the nurses could do tube feeds Riven? That's pretty shocking.

Agree crap parents often continue to be crap parents even if child is ill..

But think important point (as I remember saying on similar thread a few months back) is for all to note how bloody hard it is for families when kids are sick long term if they are trying to do the right thing (as most of the families we met when DS was in hospital were...) We never left him on his own in 6 weeks, and I only went home once. But it was a one off six weeks. And we only had one child, and only one job between us, and supportive grannys. It was bloody hard, emotionally and physically. Can't imagine how difficult it must be for other families in longer term situations and with different circs.
We needed to be there not just for comfort but for his practical care, he was only 4 - 6 months old. Judging is all good fun and might be appropriate in this case but more important to think how to support families better.

Original poster
KnowItAllMummy · 01/06/2011 20:51

Rainbow, are you suggesting that's what I should do?

OP posts:
tholeon · 01/06/2011 20:52

none of the nurses could do tube feeds Riven? That's pretty shocking.

Agree crap parents often continue to be crap parents even if child is ill..

But think important point (as I remember saying on similar thread a few months back) is for all to note how bloody hard it is for families when kids are sick long term if they are trying to do the right thing (as most of the families we met when DS was in hospital were...) We never left him on his own in 6 weeks, and I only went home once. But it was a one off six weeks. And we only had one child, and only one job between us, and supportive grannys. It was bloody hard, emotionally and physically. Can't imagine how difficult it must be for other families in longer term situations and with different circs.
We needed to be there not just for comfort but for his practical care, he was only 4 - 6 months old. Judging is all good fun and might be appropriate in this case but more important to think how to support families better.

TheHumanCatapult · 01/06/2011 20:52

Maybe mums fed up of hospitals they cna be lonely places .
I stayed with ds3 for a week, no one could visit as to far away and my mum was juggling my other dc and her work .I hardly ate as could not leave ds3 to go to the canteen and could not leave in the day to even go up ward to ahve a hot drink and 5 mins to myself and by time he was asleep canteen was closed .I was tired and exhausted by end of week and luckily he is not into often .

Riveninside · 01/06/2011 20:53

We do all dds care tholeon. Every last minute including feeds and remiving canulas. Nurses are busy and a tube feed can take a while. I have yet to find a nurse i have asked who can do one. She is never left cos she is quadriplegic but i will take ds2 to booked HE festivals if a hospital stay falls at that time. I do call dh anout fifty times a day however

Riveninside · 01/06/2011 20:54

And we have no support network at all. No one to even sit with dd. Just me and dh. No one to gake the boys. Nothing. Its been that way since dd was born.

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