yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

[hayjon]

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

No, TRUE CLASS is having the good grace and the good manners to turn up to a party that someone else has thrown for you, whether you agree with the format or not. And whether you other half is in a huff or not.

Hugely impressive display of passive aggressive behaviour, hayjon.

Hilarious!

I fear the op is as classy as her dh

Did you at least give your MIL notice that you weren't going, or did you just not turn up? Are you seeing your arse of a DH in a different light now?

Actually I think I can see how some people can be so irritating that you can't continually bow down to them- the MIL could be one, we obviously don't know. The OP can't control her husbands behaviour, she can only control her own. They've only known eachother a few months, and yes, I confess if it were me alarm bells would be ringing about the sort of man who wanted that , but again that's for the OP to worry about. I think some people are being very rude to her. Relax, it's not a personal afront to you. Why are you getting so hysterical?

OP, you and your husband were not the only guests. So while your husband might be happy to spend the day watching football, the people who've travelled to celebrate his wedding probably wouldn't be. Given that his mum was organising and paying for this and it wasn't your actual wedding, just a celebration, I don't actually think that his wishes should take precedence over hers (esp when his wishes are so awful). If he really didn't want the sort of event your MIL was organising, then the time to say was not right at the last minute. At that point he should just shut up and get on with it. But you know this already.

beesimo is talking a lot of sense here. You'd do well to listen and think about how your life is going to be. There is a saying you hear a lot on MN "when someone tells you who they are, listen"

You're not spoiling another couple anyway.

Oh please, please tell me you let her know before the event and didnt just not pitch :(

I hope hayjon comes back soon and explains a bit more, the apprentice is on soon.

Still, this is a blisteringly good thread. Not had one of these in ages, well there have been some idiotic trolly ones....not like this gem though. Thanks op

I agree with the following: my husband is an arse not to have gone (I think he is right to be peeved but not right to have not gone. If people cannot see the distinction in this then I suggest well, I don't know really, cos, it's like so freaking obvious that there IS a distinction).

My husband may prove to be a nightmare in future.

OK, folks, fair enough, ALL valid observations. Can't and won't argue.

What I will NOT accept is that I should have gone alone- it is just ridiculous to suggest this.
I will not accept that I could have forced him to go, either. He's a grown man of his own mind.

Is your DH showing any remorse?

Why, in your op did you ask if you should have gone if it's such a ridiculous idea?

hayjon you are being condecending to the posters. It is not that we cannot see the distinction - its that we do not agree with either part (you both not going AND the fact that you both agree that she is wrong for not doing what she was told).

Surely you can see that? If not (and I quote) "I suggest well, I don't know really, cos, it's like so freaking obvious "

BluddyMoFo, why are you so determined to make this into a class thing? For god's sake, it's pathetic. I could make a fucking inventory here about my dh's family upper middle class credentials, but I'm not going to. Bad behaviour isn't just restricted to people on Jeremy Kyle.

snort bluddymofo :o

I think I may be missing the point somewhere... surely the whole point was that it was really generous of your MIL to arrange for a celebratory dinner with your family that she was organising.. regardless of whether the event was or wasn't held in where your husband wanted you should have both been very grateful and gone.. as you yourself said it was a free meal and you weren't having to do anything other than turn up!! It is one night out of both your lives to make your MIL happy... how hard would that have been?
Shame on both of you.

No I don't think you shouldve gone. It would've been even more humiliating for you both as mil would have had to make you the guest of honour and introduce you to people and carry on with it whereas if you were both missing she couldve gone with a "my sons an arse let's get piddled" front.

He did tell her he wasn't coming though beforehand didn't he?he didn't just stand them all up?

Why on earth do you think he was right to be peeved?? Part of being an adult, and being a member of a family, means that sometimes you have to suck it up and do things you might not enjoy because it means something to them. One day you might have a DC, and the thought of the child that you gave birth to and raised doing this to you will break your heart. Your DH is an absolute shit and you are validating his vile behaviour by nodding along to it.

OP - just how hard did you try to get your DH to go?
It ISN'T your responsibility to make him go, but I would have had to try my very best to make him, for no other reason than to prove to myself that I han't married a total twat.

How on earth could I have gone alone? It would have made things worse for her not better.

If anyone here were in the shoes of my mil- would you genuinely think it would make you feel better if your dil came alone or would you simply have preferred it if neither shown up?

Your post of 20.50 is all about him and you, what about MIL- what do you agree/disagree with about how she feels?

Could we please get clarification of when your MIL was told that you were not coming?