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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
gapants · 01/06/2011 20:21

firestone colluding-bingo, thats it!!

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 20:21

Also I take back what I said earlier re I'd not get involved in it, that was before much of the detail came out & it seemed like a family spat that had gone on for a long time.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:22

gapants I do not think that I have done anything wrong. I think my husband has. Not me. I would have gone 100%. I obviously could not go by myself- and to return the compliment- if you think I should have, you are the twat.

My husband has behaved appallingly in not going. I had no choice but to not go if he didn't. End of.

OP posts:
razzlebathbone · 01/06/2011 20:23

OP I have a son and, like many others on here I bet, cannot imagine how painful it must be to be not only excluded from his wedding but also humiliated for the sake of wanting to watch football. When she was being unbelievably kind and magnanimous by organising anything at all! And don't try to say you were looking forward to it etc because you took no interest in it and by your own admission looked upon it as a free meal.

If you couldn't persuade him to go by shaming him with the bare facts then what the fuck do you see in him?

He's a bastard. I wouldn't have the time of day for a man who would treat his mother like that.

ChinnyReckon · 01/06/2011 20:23

Oh ok, she did go to your wedding, sorry it's just your OP reads as if she didnt I think. But apart from that, YABU, so is your husband and I really cannot fathom how you thought this thread was going to go.

Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 20:23

IAmTheCookieMonster

I would have made him go, I am 5ft and 8 stone, and I could make a 13 stone 6'3'' man go if I wanted to. I emphasise, you can't let him muscle his way in the future, what if something happens that means as much to you as this party did your MIL and he gets his own way just because he is bigger than you?

Your post is spot on. I see many a problem in their future rubs crystal ball

razzlebathbone · 01/06/2011 20:24

Of course you had a choice!

MadamDeathstare · 01/06/2011 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 20:26

Hayjon said in a recent post that MIL was at the wedding.

So, I think, this gathering was a celebration so that the wider family could come?

I don't think that makes any difference though.

YABU in not doing anything to placate MIL or ensuring that your DH does something to make amends, she has had to write a letter & what's she going to get in return? She is not BU in suggesting that both of you didn't want to go if you haven't told her differently.

Just send the poor bugger some flowers.

ChinnyReckon · 01/06/2011 20:27

Ok, quick question; did you think the idea of watching footie in a pub was ok, given that his mum clearly wanted to throw a celebratory party? Because the only people I know of who would think that was a normal thing to do are, um, let's say 'Jeremy Kyle-esque' Grin

Or was the pub/footie thing just a way to get at his mum?

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:28

Don't be so silly. We would have shared the driving, I am not driving 400-miles and back to face an absolutely awful day as some puppet in the latest in the long line of spats between dh and his mother. Hmm

And, I'm sorry, but damage limitation would have meant that my going alone would have been even worse for her, not better.

OP posts:
gapants · 01/06/2011 20:29

no you are! And I said you seem like a twat which there is a subtle difference, you may be really nice and considerate in RL.

you are making me snigger, really this is bonkers are young seeing what 100 odd posts are saying?

PinkSchmoo · 01/06/2011 20:30

If my DH was doing something I considered to be utterrly wrong I would have sucked up whatever disharmony was caused at home and done what I thought was right.
You should have driven to your mil on the day of the party and told her DH wasn't coming and asked her what she wanted you to do rather than paying lip service on here.
Making the excuse that's it's a 400 mile trip really doesn't cut it. Your MILs organisation took a shitload more effort than driving 400 miles.
Your husband sounds like a beaut - childish, entitled bully.
Did he really not know until the day before that you were not going to a pub?
As for suggestions that you send flowers or write as made by some posters - your behaviour was unforgivable and it would take a lot more than that to try to apologise.

Firestone · 01/06/2011 20:32

Did either of you cal her on the day to explain?

blackbirdfly · 01/06/2011 20:32

"some puppet in the latest in the long line of spats between dh and his mother"

Here comes the dripfeeding...

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 20:32

Wondering when we're gonna get the gavel out.

PercyPigPie · 01/06/2011 20:33

All I can say is think about this post when you bear your first son!

fedupofnamechanging · 01/06/2011 20:34

hayjon I agree with you that going alone wouldn't have improved things. To celebrate your wedding you do need both the bride and groom to attend. However, I think you need to phone your mil and explain that you wanted to go but he was immovable. To do otherwise is to collude in his behaviour.

Whether you think she should have listened to him is immaterial. Fwiw, I agree with her that watching a football match in a pub is not a proper celebration. What is important here is that this was very important to his mum and you wanted to go too. Your husband didn't give a shit about either of those things and was quite happy to publicly humiliate his own mother for no good reason and to completely ignore your wishes in this matter. Please don't get defensive and sidetracked here, because this is the root of the matter. A man who doesn't care about hurting his mother and ignoring his wife is not a good man.

I think the time will come when it's you and your DC on the receiving end of this very cold behaviour. Can you really respect a man like this? without respect you have nothing.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:37

ChinnyReckon, I couldn't care less to be honest about the football-watching, it is what my dh wanted, and, it is his family, not mine.
I feel that the difference between us is that I have truly good manners in that if I ASK what somebody wants -and it is reasonable for me to get it for them- I will bloody well do it. Does not matter if I disagree, I asked them and I should bloody well do what THEY want even if it is not to my taste If that's Jeremy Kyle-esque -ACTUALLY doing what somebody else wants out of consideration for them, then so be it. It is a certain class of lower middle class knobhead who thinks that it is what THEY want that should matter at a party and NOT their guests point of view.
You seriously think that people with TRUE class do NOT do whatever the person they are holding a party for wants? Of course, they do, they might think, 'Well not to MY taste' but they still do it.

OP posts:
beesimo · 01/06/2011 20:40

We have a family of 5 in one of our holiday cottages at the moment the H is a absolute bastard he would not strike his W or DCs he just makes their lives a misery.

Went into field to play 'tennis' with the 6 year old DS huffed off within 5 mins as lad was not following (his) rules

Call his DS 3 a 'blithering idiot' everytime he stumbles when he can't keep up with him. Yes, he is a upper class dickhead'

Seen him give his wife evils if the DCs spill summat at breakfast or don't eat all. Wife eyes fill with tears she is a nervous wreck.

Has complained my DDs 'shrieking with laughter' has given him a severe migraine lasting 2 days and involving 'complete rest in a darken room'.His Dcs aren't allowed to 'play out' unless supervised.

He is about 50yrs old, how old is you H now because I tell you could easy end up married to such a one.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:41

The match, incidentally, was just so that he and his male relatives could have a quick catch-up before the celebratory meal, which I think I mentioned earlier?

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 01/06/2011 20:42

OP - you insist you aren't to blame for any of this (I wonder why you have a question mark in the title though?) but you have allowed your DH to behave very badly.
Then you say he has behaved badly but that you support him in it Confused

Actually............ you don't really want to hear any of this so I'll stop and give you a Biscuit

gapants · 01/06/2011 20:42

Still not budging then hayjon?

BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 01/06/2011 20:43

I feel so sorry for your mil.

Personally I couldn't be with a man that treated his own mum so shoddily.

What he did is downright cruel.