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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
mypersonalfavourite · 01/06/2011 20:58

So your mil was hosting and paying for a party but your dh wanted to have a male only football session?

millie30 · 01/06/2011 20:59

Please will you answer OP, did you tell her that you weren't going? How much notice did you give?

QuintessentialOldMoo · 01/06/2011 20:59

There is just NO way I would side with an immature twat of a juvenily shit, so of course would have gone.

Your husband might have thought twice if you had been trying to put him right. Why did you not?

Frankly, he behaved like a petulant child, throwing his rattles out of the pram because his mum did not think people would want to travel hundreds of miles to watch your dh watch football in a pub.

MadamDeathstare · 01/06/2011 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pooka · 01/06/2011 21:00

So are you still planning on doing nothing to sttempt to resolve the situation?

Please tell me that you're at least going to listen to the posters who have suggested that you write and explain or ring and explain AND send flowers to your mother in law. You can make your peace with her. Sod your DH and his relationship with her.

gapants · 01/06/2011 21:00

Well, you are correct hayjon you could not have made him go, if he really really didn't want to do it....no wait that is like working with a toddler. He should have seen "sense", you should have helped him work through that, and it really sounds like you kept right out of it and allowed this whole thing to explode. Like I said before, very passive aggressive.

BTW I do get the distinction, you perceived that it would have been worth not going, worse. But you do not know that. I think it would have been better, still crap and hard, but still better, some others do to.

Can you tell us what has happened since, have you called her? Sent flowers, has your DH called her?

What if, down the line it is your family having an occasion, and your DH point blank refuses to go. It is important to you, to your family. It will be a big embarrassment if you both/either no show. Will break your mums heart. What would you do in that situation?

Serenitysutton · 01/06/2011 21:01

Where did she say it was men only? She said catch up with the men during the footie. Talk about drama queen.

Look noone knows what mil was doing. It mightve been a cold buffet in the working mens club. I don't know why everyones assuming she was putting on the polar opposite of his idea. You seem to assume she was sitting in the grand ballroom at the dorchester sipping elderflower martinis alone.

Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 21:01

no MadamDeathstare just a Biscuit :o

Salmotrutta · 01/06/2011 21:01

You must have doubted your own actions as well or you wouldn't have posed the questions you did in the OP - as Daisysteiner points out!

You still haven't said whether you warned the poor woman you weren't coming.

beesimo - your post about the horrible man staying in your cottage took me right back to a holiday we had years ago . There was a couple (maybe aged early 60s) in the same hotel and the man was so awful to his wife all the time. Snapping and snarling at her, full of impatience Sad. She was like the wife you described - nervy and apologetic Sad

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 21:01

What you are doing is standing in a corner pointing at them both saying 'it's not my fault it's them!'. It's childish and petty and all you need to do is apologise.

Now say sorry!

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:01

I don't have any issues at all with those who are calling my dh names over this, none whatsoever.

What I DO have issue here is with the concept that I am to blame for his behaviour. If it is assumed that I can influence his behaviour to the good, then it must be true that I can influence his behaviour to the bad, where does this leave me if he decides to beat me one night (I don't think this likely by the way) or go off with another woman- is it my fault?

I have explained-at length- why going alone would have been a stupid idea.

OP posts:
pooka · 01/06/2011 21:02

If I were in your MIL's position I would:
a) have wanted some notice of the no show
b) have liked to have the opportunity of fabricating a face saving story
c) have welcomed you coming on your own

QuintessentialOldMoo · 01/06/2011 21:02

oh do grow up and dont be so bloody ridiculous.

Is that what you are afraid of?

Serenitysutton · 01/06/2011 21:03

They've only known eachother a few months, they're getting to know eachother. Maybe the OP is horrifyed but she's a buy stuck now so let's not be too hard. Maybe she's not bothered, in which case fine- there are plenty of people who wouldn't knocking about the world. She's not murdered your grandmother.

rulenumber1 · 01/06/2011 21:04

OP, you are avoiding answering the posters who ask if you and your husband let your mil know you weren't coming or whether you went as far as actually standing her up.

A bit of advice here, someone once told me to look at a way a man treats his family before deciding to marry him on the basis that if I became part of his family he'd be inclined to treat me the same way. I'd think about that if I were you.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:04

MadamDeathStare I am sorry you are wrong, she was using it in a Jeremy-Kyle-chav-having-football-at-wedding kind of way.

OP posts:
DaisySteiner · 01/06/2011 21:04

hahahahaha you were the first person on this thread to mention class. Actually.

beesimo · 01/06/2011 21:05

haydon

This is my last word of advice to you some men will hit you and you can show the world a black eye and then we all know whose to bless and whose to blame.

But the really 'cruel' ones manipulate and control and commit soul murder on their Ws their the lasses that end up 'neurotic' or 'unreasonable' the ones scapegoated and blamed. Your H has already placed you in a position where your MIL and the rest of the family think you are the cause of the trouble the 'bitch'.

The reason you have posted on here is that despite all your denials and attempts to 'face save' this has been very upsetting for you, don't let this be your life.

I do believe Men can change and grow up and reform but this has to be faced head on be brave face it now.Try your best but if nothing changes or it gets worse pack your bags and leave.

MadamDeathstare · 01/06/2011 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 21:08

hehe Madam :o

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:08

QuintessentialOldMoo what are you talking about? I agree with the posters who have slated my dh for not going. They are right!

But I could not go without him, could I? It would have made things even worse. Karmabeliever is one of the few people here who realised that I couldn't win either way.

OP posts:
gapants · 01/06/2011 21:08

hayjon you are reasoning 2+2= acrt569syhx.

Do you really feel that you are not able to influence your DH? Wow.

DaisySteiner · 01/06/2011 21:08

Why are continuing to post if you're right and we're all wrong?

Lots of us think that in your MIL's place we would have preferred you to come alone with some excuse about him being incapacitated. You disagree. Why did you even post the question if it's all so blindingly obvious?

And answer the question: did you stand her up with no notice? Yes or no?

BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmethwickBelle · 01/06/2011 21:10

I agree it is about manners not feminism. If it was a special party just for him to congratulate him for getting a degree or something specific to him, then you'd be right - your involvement, attendance or apology would be comparatively irrelevant.

But it was a party for you both. You were 50% of the reason for the party, so your no show was a snub too. That's the bit that needs the apology, or at least an explanation. And that bit is under your control.