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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:08

WhoAteMySnickers, what are you on about. I wanted to go fgs. I wasn't doing her a 'favour' by not going AT ALL, just making a bad situation LESS bad. Why are you twisting this?

OP posts:
squeaver · 01/06/2011 20:10

Honestly, I think having one of you there would have been far better than neither of you being there. I find it hard to believe that you don't see that.

You could easily have gone and said to her "Look this is mortifyingly embarrassing for both of us. Let's come up with a story about why he;s not here, grit our teeth and get through it".

ChinnyReckon · 01/06/2011 20:11

Honestly, you agree with him that he was right to be annoyed! You both excluded her from your wedding, then humiliated her because she went against his (childlike, spoiled and ridiculous) wishes for a wedding celebration in a pub watching football.

I'm not one for 'there are ways to make your man do what you want' shite, but there are ways in which (as adults) we are expected to behave. If your partner isnt capable of that and you are happy to accept that, then you must also accept that it reflects badly on both of you.

Fucking hell!

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:12

gapants I have responded to it. I felt that to go alone would have embarrassed my mil even further.

OP posts:
pooka · 01/06/2011 20:12

You would have been doing 200 mile trip if your mil had had the bloody football laid on.

Yes you absolutely should have gone alone if your prick of a husband was throwing his toys out of the pram and acting like a spoilt 2 year old.

IAmTheCookieMonster · 01/06/2011 20:13

In a funny way, at least she could save a bit of face by saying, 'My dil hates me!'

that bit says you are justifying that you did her a favour.

Glitterknickaz · 01/06/2011 20:13

YOU should have been there.
We know you can't make your husband go, so stop on that train of thought.

YOU are entirely responsible for YOUR failure in attending, and stop saying that attending on your own would have been worse. It wouldn't.

YOU have cocked up just as epically as your bloody selfish arse of a husband.

snice · 01/06/2011 20:14

The only thing I think you could have done would have been to ring MIL and say
'Look, I'm really sorry but DH is absolutely refusing to come. I've tried to talk to him but he's adamant. I feel terrible but can't change his mind. What do you want to do? I could come on my own and we could say he's ill or do you want to cancel the whole thing?'

pooka · 01/06/2011 20:15

And you could of course have saved your mil's blushes by coming up ith a suitable story to cover the fact that your H wasn't there.

IAmTheCookieMonster · 01/06/2011 20:15

I would have made him go, I am 5ft and 8 stone, and I could make a 13 stone 6'3'' man go if I wanted to. I emphasise, you can't let him muscle his way in the future, what if something happens that means as much to you as this party did your MIL and he gets his own way just because he is bigger than you?

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:16

She came to our **ing wedding.

sqeaver I don't see it because I think it is nonsense.

If I were my mil, having me turn up alone would have been even worse: I may as well have been holding up a placard that said: 'YOUR SON HATES YOU'. At least with us BOTH not there, she can always save a bit of face by bitching about her 'evil dil' who has corrupted her son.

OP posts:
gapants · 01/06/2011 20:16

hayjon you are coming across like a twat, really you think you had done nothing wrong? Are you always this irate and in-flexible?

squeaver · 01/06/2011 20:16

exactly, snice

FairhairedandFrustrated · 01/06/2011 20:17

So, did this party still go ahead? Shock

Seriously?

How embarrasing for your poor poor MIL (and extended family).

snice · 01/06/2011 20:17

I can't be bothered to read back again-but has anyone actually apologised to the poor woman yet?

gapants · 01/06/2011 20:17

my dil hates me line says it all really. you sound nasty.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:18

Which she no doubt did.

OP posts:
snice · 01/06/2011 20:18

the MIL I mean, not the OP

BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BecauseImWorthIt · 01/06/2011 20:18

You say that your DH is a grown up and an adult. But in what way can he be construed to be demonstrating this maturity? He has behaved like a spoilt child, and you have enabled him.

pink4ever · 01/06/2011 20:19

hayjon-do you really think its acceptable to ask family to come and celebrate your wedding by watching a footie match in a pub?. Because you either do or you dont and if you dont then you would have told your dh that you were going to the party. End of.

Firestone · 01/06/2011 20:19

Ok, so you couldn't persuade him to go; you felt going alone would be more shaming for MIL; and you are neither responsible for your DH's failure to attend nor your own inability to travel 400miles alone (hmmmm, must mention that to my friend on her round the world trek, she obviously should have turned back at Bournemouth).

I get it that's your opinion; but why couldn't you call your MIL and explain; or did you? I would (if I had really felt I couldn't go alone) called my MIL and either lied through my teeth concocting a face saving pack of lies about sudden illness, or told her the truth and come up with a face saving pack of lies with her to be fed to the assembled guests.

Your DH is a spoilt, nasty man and you are colluding.

ChinnyReckon · 01/06/2011 20:20

'Nonpig' Grin

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 20:20

So you'd rather your extended family all thought you were a bitch rather than your DH take responsibility?

I don't know why you have bothered posting if you cannot see what everyone is saying to you.

squeaver · 01/06/2011 20:20

You don't know that she's blaming it all on you, do you?

You really couldn't have come up with some sort of "illness" excuse?

You CANNOT see how unbelievably rude you were both being by not going.

I give up.