yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

[hayjon]

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP You are acting like a passive/aggresive coward. All this "it's between DH and MIL" and "I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place" and "I can't force him" etc etc etc etc.
None of this is your fault, is it? Everything is everyone else's fault. You are an innocent bystander. Yeah, right.

Your DH behaved very badly. You decided to back him. That makes you as bad as him.

just re-read the post - if she has actually sent you a letter, then you should write back, and also call, or even go and visit her - i.e. put yourself out for her. You could tell her that you felt it wasn't possible for you to go alone and that you are personally very sorry and ask how you can make it up to her.

Obviously it would be far better if your dh would do the running and it is completely unfair of him to make life so difficult for you - as he has even if it is his family, the party was for both of you, so you need to rise above his bad behaviour.

I do see it is very tricky for you though and don't understand why people can't empathise that it would have been difficult for you to attend alone. Your dh has put you in the middle here though, so he should definitely be the one apologising to both you and his mum for humiliating both of you. If not for her, he should have gone for you!

"I do see it is very tricky for you though and don't understand why people can't empathise that it would have been difficult for you to attend alone. Your dh has put you in the middle here though"

Er, no. OP conveniently stood on the sidelines while this was all being arranged, she had no input so no-one can blame her. Handy, eh?

I wouldn't have gone to the party in th OP's situation, I really can't understand why everyine seems to have gotten so hung up on saying that she should.

I think she should have tried harder to make her husband see sense, and the fact that she has stated that she supports his reason for being pissed off is not a good thing. That is why she desrves some blame, she should have put forward MIL's (and some of the other family members) pov. Instead of agreeing with her husband when he was being unreasonable. That is why she owes MIL an apology.

Surely most people can see that a football match in a pub is not exatly the ideal setting for a family who lives miles away from eachother to get together and celebrate a family wedding?

The MIL should have said that she didn't want to do that when dh said he wanted to, but maybe seeing as it's such a ridiculous suggestion in the first place, she didn't realise how serious he was. Maybe the poor woman was under the mistaken impression that her family might be more important to her son than than a football match.

What king of gastro pub shows football matches anyway? Ime, the kind of places that show football matches is not the kind of place that is suitable for large family celebrations. Or was the DH expeting his family that had already travelled to swop between two pubs and for his Mum to reasearch both?

senua - that is a bit nasty. Her dh and mil clearly have strong personalities and are pretty clear on what they want. She wasn't that bothered - maybe she just wanted them to be happy? Or maybe she is a passive person? Hardly a crime...some people do not like to take control and are happy to go along with things if others are passionate about them.
But she can now take a bit of control by the way she apologises - and I think she should - and she could apologise for not being able to persuade her dh - if the mil is reasonable she should realise the difficult situation. She could even say that maybe she should have gone alone - whatever it takes to make the mil feel better

Regardless of who's at fault for what happened you can't change what's already happened. You can, however, do something about what happens now. If it was me, I would be trying to build bridges with mil, regardless of DH. You can build a relationship with her independently of him. Take responsibility for your own behaviour.

You may have sons in the future and be a mil yourself one day

You go to show your husband that he is being a twonk and just because he is being a twonk you don't have to be.

What he is going to do the first time OP displeases him?

so OP - what are you going to do?

hayjon

In a way I feel for you because you obviously don't have a "give and take" type relationship with your husband (ie, he won't do things he doesn't want to, just because you want him to).

I assume he wanted to watch the champs league final? I guess if she'd told him he could, and then at the last minute (how last minute was it?) told him he couldn't, he is justified in feeling a bit pissed off (is he a UTD fan?).

BUT, for any grown up, they'd suck it up, not mention their annoyance to their mother because actually she's gone to a lot of trouble- booked a place, a cake, invited people etc.. how can anyone not go without feeling horribly ashamed and guilty? What must everyone else who was invited be thinking of him now?

How was your non attendance broken to your MIL? A phone call 10mins before the off or a couple of days before or what? Or did you just not turn up?

In your position, if I couldn't have guilt tripped my husband into going (and believe me, I could have done.. not that he'd have done this in the first place), then I'd have been straight on to the phone to his mother, grovelling and sympathising- I wouldn't be able to STAND people thinking that I would willingly be a part of being so rude.

I suggest you make that phone call to her now, poor woman! Take your husband out of the equation and reach out to her, maybe you can help them mend their obviously crap relationship.

I think everyone, even OP, is in agreement that her DH behaved dreadfully. So why does everyone assume that a man capable of that kind of behaviour is going to behave reasonably towards OP if she apologises to MIL and he doesn't agree with her doing so?

Surely an equally likely outcome is that he turns on OP (not necessarily physically, but emotionally and verbally). She does have to take this into account before deciding on her course of action. And if he does become abusive then she's got bigger fish to fry than making up with MIL.

Yes, of course the right thing to do is to apoligise to MIL. But I would say only if doing so won't put OP in a dangerous place.

I'm just saying that if the relationship between OP and her DH is abusive, it would explain her passivity, willingness to back up her DH's ridiculous stance, and alienation towards his family.

Of course, it's a big leap between him being an utter arse on the one occasion that we know of, and him being abusive.

But I feel that a man capable of hurting his own mother so cruelly is possibly capable of a lot more at home with his DW.

If it's likely to put her in a dangerous place, then she may as well find out sooner rather than later.

If he is angry with her for talking to her MIL, and just trying to build a bridge and maybe make her feel a tiny bit better for the hurt and humiliation she must be feeling, then the OP is much much better off finding out now what sort of man she has married.

Mind you, I do think that a 400 mile round trip on your own would be a bit tough, especially if you had to do it there and back in one day - and in the OP's place I wouldn't want to be staying the night at MIL's under the circs!
Depending on motorways etc., it could have taken up to 4 hours to make the trip - that could have been 8h driving in one day, which is too much for me.
The OP has said she might have gone on her own if her MIL were closer - and I think if the MIL were only an hour away, it would have been more feasible.

OP - I hope you can get your DH to realise what a complete and utter bastard he was to his mother - there might be more history but his behaviour is inexcusable and if you don't kick up a rumpus about it now, he will think he can pull that kind of stunt any time he feels like it and get away with it.

How has DH been since? Has he calmed down? Does he see the error of his ways?

You know what, if DH's team were in the champions league final and he'd been told that they were having a family get together where they (i.e. the family members who like football) could watch the game then onto somewhere nice for dinner, then he was told that he couldn't watch the football and had to go to the kind of venue he didn't want to go to then he would be absolutely furious. I hadn't put 2 and 2 together that that was the date.

I think people are very dismissive about it here, but if you've supported the same team all your life and they end up in something like this it IS extremely important. You can make snobby little noises about how it's just men kicking a ball around, but if it's football then if you're a proper fan then it's really not, it's a huge deal. OP's DH knew this, he told the MIL that any gathering needed to be after this or including this, and she utterly disregarded his wishes. Especially if she spent hours talking about it with the DH and he made clear that this was what he wanted, I think he has every right to be extremely cross with her.

I wouldn't get involved OP. Let your DH manage his relationships with his mum.

But this is his family wedding celebration.

I agree that football, or whatever sport you are into is very important to some people and shouldn't be dismissed. My dh would be the same about the grand prix. But he should have suggested a different date, or accepted that it was either a choice between him watching his football, or hurting and humiliating his mother at the same time as letting down lots of other family members.

If he had sacrificed the football for his family, I think most people would think he was quite lovely and justified at being hugely pissed off with his mother. But he didn't.

clytaemnestra they were both invited, not just him. Why should she accept a crap relationshop with his family becuase of his appalling behaviour?

We have no idea about the footy team and so on, and over a wedding party, a once only type affair, it is unreasonable of him and her to cancel the day before

The OP left the thread last night BTW, I doubt very much she will be back.

And also, everyone is happy to paint the DH as abusive and cruel while at the same time portraying the MIL as a tiny frail little woman who only wants the best for her treasured son. She might be a controlling manipulative old bat who the DH has finally had enough of, and everyone would be howling on about how "toxic" she is if the DH posted the whole backstory.

In isolation coming out of the blue, this could be the action of a potentially abusive man. With a backstory it could be very different and I think judging the OP's relationship and predicting that he will abuse her is unfair on the limited amount of information we have.

Love Banal's interpretation of the mother-son dialogue :)

And I think Beesimo (and others) have a very strong point - a man who treats his mother like this, will treat you badly in the future. Or, worse, (as Beesimo said) your DC.

The fact that you couldn't 'make him go' is a huge danger sign, frankly. My DH loathes parties, and would very happily never go to another one in his life. But if I think it'd be rude if we didn't go, I tell him we have to go and he reluctantly accepts it. Marriage is a partnership and there are times you have to push each other to do the right thing. If you don't have any influence in a situation as clear cut as this, then I would be very worried.

It's not a wedding party, they've had the wedding already. It's the MILs party because she didn't think their wedding was good enough.

And you can't say he should have suggested a different date because the football was important, when until two days before he thought that it was a lowkey event including the football. It was two days before when she told him actually he couldn't watch it.

dh -
I have for a long time had a very difficult relationship with my mother, she continually acts as if she knows what is best for me and describes my life and interests in disparaging terms. I recently met a sweet but very shy girl and we decided to have a very small wedding as we prefer to do things privately. My mother was of course invited but kept muttering about it not being 'upmarket' enough. Rather than leave it at that, i.e. respecting our wishes she decided to throw a party to celebrate the wedding but only in a form I would enjoy. As my team were playing an important game and all the members of my family are huge fans, I thought it would be nice if we went somewhere low-key where we could watch the game, bond over the footie and then have a relaxed meal. She agreed as she knows how we are all so into football and after weeks of conferring about it we were all happy (I thought!). I was so happy she finally seemed to accept me as I am. Suddenly at the last minute she announced she had organised an alternative much more formal occasion as the original plan was too 'downmarket'! I was really shocked that having put in the time and appearance in planning it with me she just did her own thing. I got so upset about all the other times that she had criticised my choices that I ended up not even going.

I think you are being very niave and missing the crux of the issue completly clytae..

DH behaved like a brat, that is a given the OP knows it, we know it.

She has colluded in this, and been mute with her MIL over it. I think alot of us are scratching our heads as to why the OP didn't-

*make a fuss and tell DH to stop being daft and that they were going
*Talk to MIL and try and sort something else out
*OP go, then DH shown up late, having watched the football
*at the very least APOLOGISE to MIL

It is a wedding party, one that was carefully planned, it would have only been a one off occasion.

there are alot of assumptions-
*He was a Man U fan wanting to watch the Champions League
*MIL is toxix and unbearable
*football is more important than family cos it is a league final

There are lots and lots of unknowns and lots bad behaviour. If you have read the whole thread, you will have seen how irate and mean OP has been and completely unable to see what many of the other posters have been saying.

I think your advice stay out of it is useless in this situation, as the OP is very much in it, she was invited too!

I know he behaved badly, I've said that several times.
And yes, I'm making assumptions. But equally people are making assumptions up to and including that he is potentially going to abuse their future DC, so I think there should be some balance.

She told him that he should go. He didn't want to. It's his family, he gets final say.

his family, he gets final say

WOW I guess we get an idea of the family dynamic in your household! That is ridiculous, the OP has an independent voice in all this, she could have picked up the phone. Really, wouldn't you have?

I am going to the party with your mum and family, DH?
No you bloody can't, it's my family, you stay home wife!

OP are you still there? I wanted to say, very well done for sticking it out for so long and taken all the abuse. I would have gone off to have a cry well before you did.

And ladies - why on earth do we turn on each other like this? Yes, her DH was a twat. Yes, she should clearly now ring her up her MIL and apologise and send flowers and tell her DH to behave like an adult - but OP didn't say she wouldn't consider that, she was posting to ask us for advice ON WHAT TO DO - what's wrong with that? We have told her. End of.

By the way banal you have made my day. So funny .

My twopence's worth is that if this had happened to me (and trust me, my DH would have refused to go to anything which clashed with an important football match) I would have been straight on to my MIL saying "God this is hideous. I am so sorry. I have tried everything I can think to get him to go. Please keep trying too. Do you want me to come by myself? Can I help you ring the guests to cancel? Oh, goodness I am so sorry. MEN!"