yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

[hayjon]

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

Yes lots of assumptions flying about..

Yeah, I'm a massive footie fan (and watched the final) but not a UTD fan.. so I'd have missed it for a family event (especially one in my honour).

If spurs (my team) had been in the final (ha, one can dream) I would be FURIOUS if I'd told my mum I was watching it and she disregarded it.. FURIOUS. So I can see his point IF he was a UTD fan.. it was just handled very badly.

I need answers dammit!

It's really quite simple what the OP should do next.

She should call the MIL, explain that she's very sorry that they didn't attend, that she felt they should but DH was adamant they wouldn't, and that the OP felt it would be too awkward for all concerned if she attended alone. She should explain that she is very sorry MIL and DH argued, that personally she doesn't agree with her DH not attending, but that she won't and can't be in the middle and as such, doesn't want to be involved in their disagreement. She can only apologise for what she feels she has a part in, which is non-attendance at the party.

Jan - dream on!

I meant about Spurs in the CL final ...

LittleOneMum, you may do this given the relationship you currently have with your MIL (or based on time). If this had been the second or third time you would have ever met your MIL, would you have taken it upon yourself to call her and apologise on behalf of your DH? I wouldn't have. My MIL and I enjoy a civil easy relationship but if you'd asked me over a decade ago, I wouldn't really have known her well enough to start calling and taking over. I most certainly would not have made a 400-mile round trip to hers either.

I resent the bit about "MEN!". Please, all because the OP does not have a penis just so happens to be female, does not mean it is her job to soothe, placate, convince, or roll her eyes at the supposed benign ineptitude of a man. Were the roles to be reversed ie it was the woman doing this to her own mother, I doubt any of us would be crying out for the man to force his wife to go or "make her go" - strange how that automatically sounds more sinister when using opposing sexes . I would also be very PISSED off if any OH of mine went over my head to my mother, and there are lots of people here that would feel the same.

Not saying that the DH is in the right, just seeing things from hayjon's point of view.

Blimey! Got to page 7 but couldn't read anymore.

Sorry people have been so nasty to you OP. People on here act like right twats sometimes. Head up arses/pack mentality or what ever. Sometimes they find one little thing in an OP and latch on to it even if it's hardly even relevant.

I can see where you are coming from. Yes it is a weird wedding celebration but that has nothing to do with it/each to their own/why do all wedding receptions have to be so typical anyway etc.

The point it that your MIL asked what he wanted and he told her, they discussed it at length and I would imagine that he started to really look forward to having the reception of his dreams.

I find it very strange that she asked him all this and then ignored it. She should have at some point said that she didn't want to do it like that and they could have discussed it more.

I think your DH should probably have gone anyway but the people saying that you should have made him are ridiculous and you are right when you say that they are obviously not feminists. Ladies . . . men are capable of making their own decisions you know!

What was she arranging instead?

"WOW I guess we get an idea of the family dynamic in your household! That is ridiculous, the OP has an independent voice in all this, she could have picked up the phone. Really, wouldn't you have?"

Nope. I would have suggested compromises, but at the end of the day it's his mum, his choice. He manages that relationship. I manage my side of the family.

"I am going to the party with your mum and family, DH?
No you bloody can't, it's my family, you stay home wife!"

Oh don't be ridiculous. It's nothing to do with being the little woman. Conversely when it's my family, it's MY final say, and if I didn't want to go to an event organised by a member of my family then I wouldn't and I'd be livid if DH did, or started calling them behind my back.

A few thoughts on this as I have had time to consider all that has been said here.
Firstly, I must get this out of the way as it is bugging me; my husband is not a chav-not that I have anything against chavs, but I really am peed off with those here who do look down upon chavs and are using it as a reason to be nasty here. He is well-educated and is as upper Middle Class as you can get. Bad behaviour cuts across the classes.
I also find it insulting to those people who come from a certain working class that they are deemed to be flaky and unreliable.

Secondly, I do (x1000) think my dh has behaved badly towards his mother here. I cannot argue with that at all and shall not argue and, yes, it does make me think: 'what have I married?'
This is why I have not argued with those who have called him unpleasant names.

I can understand why he is pissed off with her, though, she never listens to anybody else's viewpoint and did effectively totally disregard his opinions . She, too, is extremely stubborn and would not back down, either.

I put it to my husband that while I agreed that he was right to be angry, we really should have gone in spite of this. He agreed and said that he acted in the heat of moment and regrets it. He is going to apologise to his mum.

What am I going to do? Nothing. Not a thing. Why? Because:
a, I am not one of those women who feels they should apologise when they did nothing wrong. My husband is a grown man and a stubborn individual. Why should I get the blame for HIS temper tantrum? Of course I could not go, it is insane to suggest that I should. It is very, very childlike to think 'If half of them goes it won't be so bad' I can't get over how childlike that school of thought is. It amazes me frankly. It is the sort of nonsense I'd expect if I asked the opinion of a group of 10-year-old children, not supposed adults.
It would have been rubbing my mils face in it that it was her son could not stand her. In fact, if I were a REAL bitch, I would have gone-just to watch as everyone said, 'Jeez, her son must hate her. Letting his wife come all this way while he stays away'.

b, I think that mil doesn't give a st for my opinion, anyway. Used to think that it was just me-now I realise that she doesn't give a shit for ANYBODY'S opinion, apart from a select few. And, no, I am not like that because I most definitely have agreed with some of the opinions expressed here. I'd be wasting my breath because, guess what, she does not care what I think!
That's why I am so annoyed with here; frankly, she ignores me half the time then has a go at me for not going!

I am not going to do apologise; let my dh do it. His f*ing mess not mine. His spoilt little temper tantrum. I shall pretend like it never happened the next time I see her.

Are you saying that your DH manages your relationship with his mum as well as his own relationship with her, Clytaemnestra?

Don't you see yourself as being two separate beings with your own relationships?

How is it going behind someone's back to apologise about your own non-attendance at an event and to try and keep amicable your own relationship with someone you are related to by marriage?

It is not being disloyal as long as you don't slag off your DH. But saying you don't agree with his decision isn't necessarily implying he has fault. He has his own reasons for behaving as he did, and it is up to him to justify them, not the OP. But as the MIL allegedly blames both of them, then it is not unreasonable for the OP to respond to that directly on her own behalf by discussing with the MIL.

X-posts with the OP.

Hmm, you're still intent on being the injured victim in all of this. Not saying it applies here but going by my own parents' relationship - being married to someone completely unreasonable has a silver lining - you get to look like a saint in comparison and always have something to feel aggrieved about and get sympathy for.

Ah, I see, you come as a set, not as individuals. You were invited too, with your DH, you did not attend. You need to take responsibility for that behaviour, don't hide behind your DH.

Still do not get where your thought process is coming from.

You are speculating about your MIL, how do you know what she thinks of you? I am sure she would have thought a lot more of you if you had called to apologise. I would have told my DH, you are being an arse, I am mortified, I have to call your mum and apologise for my non-attendance. At the VERY least.

It is not my intention to be a victim at all. In fact, I think I would be MORE of a victim if I went along with the nonsense that it is MY fault that we did not go.

hayjon I'm glad your husband has realised that what he did is wrong and is going to apologise. I do agree with you that it is up to him to sort out this mess as it is of his making. I also let my husband manage his mother while i manage mine. I would urge you though to speak to your mil independently on this occasion, to let her know you were willing to attend, just so that she knows you were not urging your husband to not go. You don't want to cop any of the flak for his choices and it's only by speaking to her yourself that you can truly be sure that you won't. I think if you say nothing it might be bubbling under the surface for years to come.

Hope it all blows over.

But can't you see that your main focus is in all your posts is about how unfair it is that people blame YOU?

You're not expressing concern for your MIL, or even for your DH that he manages his feelings in such a way that he cocks up his relationships. No, what you're feeling aggrieved about is that your MIL seemed to suggest you were at fault.

When it fact she probably blames both of you as in her eyes you come as a couple, and indeed her party was about celebrating you as a couple.

supercal - he doesn't manage it per se, I don't interact with her when she's not there as I don't know her that well, I think I've met her about 15 times (we've been together for 6 years). I did give her my mobile number when I was pregnant and said for her to phone if she wanted a chat but she didn't bother so I'm not that bothered either. So yes, he handles it, I don't get involved. I don't have much of a relationship with her and neither of us really care. :)

If I was in the heat of the moment and very angry with my mum and DH phoned her up to commiserate about how I was being unreasonable and apologise on my behalf I would be furious and see it as him going behind my back.

And FWIW, I wouldn't have gone on my own either. I agree with you that it could have looked even worse for your MIL. But you can bet your arse I would have had an almighty row with my husband about this, and then been on the phone to my MIL sharpish explaining the situation and making my apologies for not attending in advance. 'Cos it's just common courtesy, innit.

Cly - I'm not saying she should have apologised on HIS BEHALF.

She should have apologised on HER behalf.

The OP doesn't like being blamed for this. So she should have taken steps independently to her DH to manage her own role in this.

karmabeliever, I appreciate what you are saying, but there is no point, honestly there is not. I realise fully that people here can only go on what is written, but, believe me when I say that my opinion is not important to her. My apology will not mean anything to her, but, funnily enough, nor would my screaming abuse at her matter to her either. I am irrelevant to her.

I could ring up and say 'It's down to him, not me!' but it would make no difference at all. I would be wasting my breath. In fact, it would be rubbing it in and reminding her of much he dislikes her.
Also, she has known him all her life, she knows too well that NOTHING on god's earth could have gotten him to go. She KNOWS this.
Best to leave well alone and let him apologise for his shitty behaviour. He is also going to say that I, his wife, was caught up in the middle of it all and that I wanted to go. Not that it will matter to her, though.

If he is going to apologise and he lets her know that you were caught in the middle and you thought you should go, I think that's the best you can hope for.

I am surprised how many people think you should have gone on your own. I wouldn't have done that

Can't believe people are still being so idiotic! You can't go to a wedding reception on your own! That looks worse then cancelling it.

supercal But can't you see that your main focus is in all your posts is about how unfair it is that people blame YOU? - Yes that's because she has been attacked, attacked and attacked.

If the MIL was really wanting to celebrate her son and DIL's life as a couple then surely she should have involved her DIL in the arrangements?
I think people are giving the MIL an easy ride here but I bet few of you would behave as she did.

I can't imaging arranging an event to celebrate my son's wedding that was 200 miles from where he lived and not involving both him and his wife in the arrangements to ensure they would enjoy the day. This MIL seems to have only spoken to her son and then ignored his opinions.
The marriage of her son and his wife seem peripheral to the whole party which sounds more like an ego trip for the MIL than a selfless gesture celebrating their marriage.

*rebecca", In all fairness, I did leave my dh to plan this with his mother.
You are right, though, this whole thing was an ego trip for his mother. She didn't really care for my dh's viewpoint.
She doesn't care much for the viewpoint of anybody.

i'm taking HUGE offence at that LittleOneMum.

How very dare you! One day it will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine.

hayjon, in fairness, he's the one that has to do the grovelling to his mum, but maybe an expression of regret at the situation might help from yourself too (not an apology as such).

I am just popping out to the florist to get something nice for my lovely DIL. This thread has made me love her even more than I did before. She would have turned up despite her husband (I wouldn't have gone about things like op's mil though, and neither would DS). If I ever upset or offend her I know she will just tell me, accept an apology, and move on, just as I would with her.

Having read more, they both sound as bad as each other.

If she doesn´t ever listen though, surely your husband couldn´t have been that surprised that she organised something different?

Would many mothers who do listen have organised it to include football?