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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
WholeLottaRosie · 01/06/2011 21:43

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millie30 · 01/06/2011 21:46

Going from your first post, they only fell out the night before the party. Did you cancel on her on the actual day? That's pretty low, no wonder she's upset.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:46

Well, I am happy for people to at least realise that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place with going or not. That is all I really want. Thank you.

I honestly don't mind the insults to my dh, you are all right about him, really. I know that. But don't insult him and yet at the same time criticise me for not being able to control him because that is not right and plain nasty.

OP posts:
footballmum · 01/06/2011 21:46

Your MIL is hurt with BOTH of you. I agree that you could not have forced your DH against his will but you have to accept responsibility for your part in hurting and embarrassing your MIL. You can whinge and whine for another 200 posts that "It's not my fault. I'm not to blame. I couldnt have gone alone. I couldn't have driven 200 miles on my own" but you have to accept that your actions have contributed to another persons hurt and humiliation. If you can live with that on your conscience, fine. Keep out of it. But don't expect everyone here to agree with you or vindicate you.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:47

No it was before the day. Goodnight all.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 21:50

Me personally - I blame you for your own behaviour and the action you took when you realised what was happening (or the lack of action). You have constantly tried to make yourself blameless and yet the party was just as much in your honour as in his. As the other (free thinking, responsible) adult, you could have picked up the phone at the very least.

Greatdomestic · 01/06/2011 21:50

Hayjon - the point of your post was to ask for opinions - then dissed all which weren't in line with your own. Why post?

gapants · 01/06/2011 21:51

still no answer on the details on when you gave your MIL or your DH gave MIL notice. I assume it was either very close to or on the day...that is really sad.

I don't think you should be able to "control" your DH at all. You should be able to negotiate, reason, cajole him. Compromise, give/take. Seriously that is what relationships are all about. It has NOTHING to do with control. You should be asking yourself how much control your DH has over you.

IvyAndGold · 01/06/2011 21:52

'it is his family, not mine.' er, you're married. so yes, they are your family.

this thread is hilarious, in an unbelievable, mind-boggling way. poor, poor MIL! of course one of you turning up is better than neither! you could have made an excuse for why he wasn't there, rather than the both of you pretty much giving her the middle finger by completely blowing her off.

ARE you going to apologise to MIL? i seriously think it's grovelling time, IMO.

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 21:52

You kind of sound like you're crying out for help now. I hope your posts earlier about 'what if he was hitting you' etc were hyperbole?

gapants · 01/06/2011 21:53

Oh FUCK, the day before. Shame on you and your DH.

Look I hope this has helped you, this thread. Really, mend relationships. Family is important.

suburbophobe · 01/06/2011 21:57

^I explained that we really should go and people were waiting and even though mil was a bit out of order, not going was still wrong of us and that he could have it out with her later.
Perhaps I should have drugged him and put him in boot of car or put on a pretty petticoat to persuade him to go. Used my feminine wiles or something.^

Don't be ridiculous, you cannot bribe or drug people to do what you want in life.

But basically, you married a guy who gives Sweet Fuck All about the women in his life....

I still don't understand why MIL was out of order for not wanting the do in a football pub Confused

You sound as bad as each other, quite frankly....

WholeLottaRosie · 01/06/2011 22:02

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Dylthan · 01/06/2011 22:03

"Well, I am happy for people to at least realise that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place with going or not. That is all I really want. Thank you."

So you didn't want opinions just justification for your actions. Hmm

But all of that aside I am actually worried about you now op does your dh usually listen to you and respect your feelings?

I hope it is just that his mother hits a raw nerve for him and that he is diffrent with you.

DuelingFanjo · 01/06/2011 22:06

I think you are all giving the OP a really hard time Shock

If my husband did this at short notice I honestly don't think I would have called my MIl and I wouldn't have gone alone. The OP's husband sounds ike an immature dick who was more concerned about missing a football match than accepting his mum's hospitality but I can't see why the OP should be to blame.

millie30 · 01/06/2011 22:06

Jeez, people were waiting? Was your MIL waiting for you to arrive? Poor woman!

DuelingFanjo · 01/06/2011 22:09

Also, why are some of you asking howmuch notice was given?
isn't it clear from the first post "a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all."

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 22:09

Dueling I don't think the OP was to blame, however I think the party was 50% for her and she could have done something to make amends or at least convince her DH to.

However, I'm concerned for her from her most recent posts.

PinkSchmoo · 01/06/2011 22:14

Hayjon,
I don't believe for one second you are responsible for your husbands behaviour but if he does something horrid and you follow suit I do blame you for that. Whatever excuses you make you ARE responsible for your own actions and inactions
Seems that you would have had a dire time at home if you went and for that I am truly sorry for you.
I do think that you need to accept you behaved unreasonably and have sod all to resent your MIL for.
Think it's time for you to walk away from this thread as there is nothing positive for you here.
Hope you don't need to post here in future about your husbands unreasonable behaviour but fear you will.
I really hope you can develop a decent relationship with MIL but she needs to show one heck of a lot of generosity of spirit to allow that.
Good luck,
PS

Good luck

ZombiePlan · 01/06/2011 22:19

Dueling, I don't think the OP is to blame here, but I do think she has to bear some of the responsibility for not dealing with the matter head on - as she herself says, we are all responsible for our actions. She could've done more to make things better for her MIL IMO, even if she didn't go to the party - and the very least she could do is apologise for not attending a party that had been thrown jointly for her.

I do however think that she is being so very defensive about the matter that there may be some underlying issues with her DH here. That's why I think she needs to stop the excuses and justifications, take her head out of the sand and have a good look at what's really going on here - so she can see her situation for what it actually is. As long as she carries on telling herself that what happened was just fine, nothing's going to get fixed.

ScarletOHaHa · 01/06/2011 22:44

  1. I would not have gone on my own
  2. I would not apologise for my DH's behaviour; leave them to sort it out themselves.

I feel sorry you are in the middle of this. Their relationship is not your responsibility. Congratulations on your marriage Wine.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/06/2011 22:49

OP, I wouldn't have gone either and I think that on most MIL threads people would say that it is up to the husband to deal with his own family. Being utterly truthful, I don't really think of my mil as my family. She is family to my husband and to my DC, but she is not important to me in the way my own mother is and I've known my mil for a lot longer than you've known yours. In your situation if my husband refused to go, I would do all I could to persuade him, but in the end I do think the buck stops with him.

I honestly think you should call her, explain that this is his doing rather than yours, so that she doesn't think that you don't care or that you are okay with this. I don't think your mil was wrong to ignore your husband's wishes in this instance and I think that maybe you are blaming her as a means of justifying your husband's behaviour. It's very very hard to admit that the man you are married to is not kind, so you will look for ways to make it seem not as bad as it is. I'm sorry that you are coming to realise this.

But, you are responsible for you, so call her and try to put this right, for yourself as well as her.

Clytaemnestra · 01/06/2011 23:01

OK, people are being extremely unpleasant to the OP here. Although I think the DH was wrong not to go at the last minute, I can see the other side.

OP and her DH had a small wedding ceremony. Presumably because they wanted one. MIL doesn't think this is sufficient and wants to throw a big fancy party with a cake and everything. Even though if that was the kind of celebration they wanted, that's what they would have done in the first place.

So, the DH says "I don't want a big do, I want something really low key". The football thing is a bit of a red herring, as we don't know if his entire family are football mad. My DH's family would think that was a great idea, those who don't like football (including myself) sit and have a chat, football fans watch the game, nice meal afterwards. Sounds like a nice family day out to me.

Despite wanting a low key do, despite spending hours on the phone TELLING his mother he wanted a low key do, she utterly disregarded the idea of a low key do and did what she wanted, because presumably she didn't thing what the OP and her DH did for their wedding was good enough. It's all about her, not the OP and DH.

So, I see why the OP is understanding of her DH being annoyed. He took it too far, and it was horribly rude not to go at all, but I think he had a right to be extremely annoyed with his mum.

Clytaemnestra · 01/06/2011 23:08

Also, there is no way in hell I would have rocked up to a party on my own in those circumstances. Just can't even imagine it.