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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 01/06/2011 21:29

Banal Grin Grin

BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 21:32

haydon insulting people who can see what you cannot is disgusting. You came on here asking advice when it wasnt even advice you wanted but attention. And you insult us? Thats rich!

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:32

Look last words on this: You've given me food for thought? What exactly have I married? And yes dh was way, way out of order in not going,

But those smug people here who said that I am to blame and that I should have gone regardless. As if half of you lot wouldn't be umming and aahing over what to do for best Hmm So I made a bad call in your eyes, so what? Are you lot so unempathetic that you fail to realise that I could not win either way? Apparently so.

OP posts:
ZombiePlan · 01/06/2011 21:32

Actually, I would have gone even if my DH didn't. Because I am not a rude person and even if my DH were minded to to treat people like shit, I wouldn't do that to someone. And FWIW when I got back I would be having a very long conversation with my DH about it all.

Do you really not see that this isn't a case of you and your DH heroically standing united in marriage together, but a case of him saying "fuck her" and you just falling into line?

DaisySteiner · 01/06/2011 21:33

No, I can quite honestly say that I have never been in the situation of having my dh behave disgustingly, viciously, horrible to anybody (let alone his mother).

And please, do be honest and admit that you dropped her in the shit and stood her up. You are not responsible for your dh's behaviour but you are responsible for your own.

ZombiePlan · 01/06/2011 21:33

"I could not win either way"

Maybe not, but the way things panned out you have well and truly lost...

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 21:34

Banal Grin

He obviously has form as a pigheaded dick from what you've said. I assume you've known him longer than a few months & only been married a few months.

I'm sorry for you that you've just started to see him for what he is.

gapants · 01/06/2011 21:34

hayjon, come on, when did your MIL get told, tell us please? You have come this far?

I am sorry that we have made you doubt the man you are with, that must be hard.

Dylthan · 01/06/2011 21:34

"but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this."

You asked in your op what you should of done everyone is saying yes you should of gone by yourself and now your getting all arsey because you're not getting the answer you wanted.

Unbelievable!

beesimo · 01/06/2011 21:35

I think it's time some of us 'cooled our jets' if you read through ALL the posts you'll realises the lass has been 'whistling in the dark' she is afraid, confused and upset. She's had her eyes opened and it's not been a pretty sight.

Everyone can control a bucking horse but the one holding the reins. I gave her rock all in my first post true buts lets have no more jeering and sneering enoughs enough.

millie30 · 01/06/2011 21:35

Brilliant Banalcheling! How much notice did you give her OP?

fivegomadindorset · 01/06/2011 21:36

Foul, foul, foul both you and your DH. Spoilt springs to mind aswell.

Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 21:36

No hayjon, I think most of us would have tried to reason with a sane man and if we couldnt get that right, at the very least - we would have phoned and explained and tried to make amends. Very clearly, us smug lot (and the rest) would not have done what you did (I do think a single person has said they agreed with the way it was done). Accept that it was wrong of both you and your dh and that you BOTH need to make this right.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:36

If distance were not an issue, I may have gone without him. But I am not making a 400-mile trip on my own. I would not do it without a back -up driver.

OP posts:
SaveWaterDrinkWine · 01/06/2011 21:37

You and your DH deserve each other - both twatty twats.

Right, back to The Apprentice....

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:38

How can you lot accept that he is pig headed and yet blame ME for not being to able to change his mind? The two are logically incompatible.

OP posts:
Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 21:40

Did you call your MIL hayjon? Like adult to adult pick up the phone and deal with it? apologise? explain? No 400 miles needed for that, no pig headed dh permission needed for that.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 01/06/2011 21:40

I dont think you could win either way. I can see that.

It is a question of what you would come home to, had you gone.

Not a smiley happy husband saying "how was the party, darling, did you enjoy yourself?"

millie30 · 01/06/2011 21:41

I don't blame you for not being able to change his mind. But I think you were wrong not to contact your MIL to discuss what she thought the best option was. And wrong for saying you agreed with your DHs petulance earlier. How much notice did you give her?

gapants · 01/06/2011 21:41

hayjon, either spill the crucial information, or can you just say that you are declining to divulge.

I have cooled my jets beesimo I have also apologised to the OP. I can see now you are swimming in treacle here.

how long have you known your DH?

fivegomadindorset · 01/06/2011 21:42

Sorry why can't you drive a 400 milr round trip by yourself?

ZombiePlan · 01/06/2011 21:42

Hayjon - you keep changing your story here. First you didn't go alone because it would've made things worse for your MIL, then it was to enable her to blame you for everything, now it's becasue you needed a back-up driver.

Why are you changing the story like this? Is it because you want us to think well of you, or is it because you don't want to feel so bad about a decision that you regret? Do you feel your DH disproportionately influenced you into not attending and you now regret not making a stand and going anyway? You don't have to post the answer to this, obviously, but please do mull it over.

gapants · 01/06/2011 21:43

the op not your beesimo

Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 21:43

How much notice did you give her?

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