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AIBU?

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Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 21:10

Daisy, sadly - I suspect MIL was stood up Sad

gapants · 01/06/2011 21:10

daisystiener that is what we all want to know!

could you answer it please?

QuintessentialOldMoo · 01/06/2011 21:11

You know, this is quite possibly pretty earth shattering for you, to realize just what sort of man you have married. Beesimo are making some very insightful posts.

It is very sad, if you are tiptoeing around your husband wondering to what extent you can be blamed for his behaviour, good or bad, and to what degree you are influencing him. I found your posts very desperate actually.

BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZombiePlan · 01/06/2011 21:12

Hayjon - drawing coparisons with beaten wives is ridiculous and frankly offensive.

Agree that you can't make someone do anything they don't want to and that people are responsible for their own behaviour. So, here is a list of what you are responsible for:

  • not pointing out to your DH that watching a football match is a really inappropriate thing to suggest for a wedding celebration - surely anyone who wasn't raised by wolves knows this
  • not pointing out to your DH that by not attending the party he was treating his mother like shit in such a fashion
  • not calling his mother to discuss the situation like adults and to try to resolve matters in some fashion (even if you ultimately couldn't persuade your DH to behave in a polite manner and attend, you and MIL could have come up with some story together to tell the guests, to ensure MIL didn't get humiliated)
  • not offering his mother the choice of having you attend the party without your DH and just assuming that she would prefer to have both of you not show up - even if it would've been a hard thing for you to do , think how much harder this has been for her as things stand
  • justifying the above by implying that she's blaming you for the whole thing to the rest of the family - and thereby subtly casting her in the role of evil mil - when you have absolutely no idea what she's said to anyone about this
Salmotrutta · 01/06/2011 21:12

I think you're right Nutty - Hmm

If so, then that's unforgiveable Sad

pooka · 01/06/2011 21:12

I can't believe that they just wouldn't turn up, with no warning. No one would be that crass? Even if the (d)h was that way inclined, surely as a fellow invitee (new DIL) you would contact the MIL and explain what was going on before the event???

gapants · 01/06/2011 21:13

hayjon I would like to apologise to you, as I think you are in way over your head with quite a nasty fellow, and it is concerning. That is a sincere apology BTW

I really hope you work this all out, and find a way to show a little more humility and maybe a little more insight into those you have around you.

squeaver · 01/06/2011 21:15

zombie's nailed it.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:16

beesimo your post is food for thought. The only part I can only disagree with you is that, I don't really think his immediate family think that I am a bitch. Not at all, you must remember that they have known him all his life and know that he is not the sort to have his head 'turned' IYSWIM. He is stubborn but not manipulative or devious.
I also think my mil knows this, too. So, it is good that I no longer harbour resentment towards her, because, I now realise that she can't seriously think that I am to blame. Not really. I was between a rock and a hard place and she is intelligent enough to realise this. So I'm not going to slag her off for it or argue with her. I'll just let it go. They will probably make it up and I shall not mention this again. What sort of man I have married, though, well that is food for thought.

Goodnight.

OP posts:
DaisySteiner · 01/06/2011 21:18

You stood her up didn't you? And you're not even going to apologise to her. Sad

Dylthan · 01/06/2011 21:18

Marriage is about compromise when you reach the land of adults you can't just do whatever the hell you like with no consideration for any one else's feelings no you couldn't of made him go and no one is suggesting that you get yourself dolled up and bat your eyelids to make him.

What everyone is saying is that as adults you should of disccused it and explained to him that hurting his mothers feelings and making you appear like a bitch was not on and any decent person would of then gone. That's how you could of made him go.

I can't believe that he would of not listens to you or cared about your opinion if that is the case then I feel for you I really do.

BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta · 01/06/2011 21:22

Sad - and being stubborn is OK if it's an argument about what colour to paint the dining room. It's not OK when it involves hurting people or trampling over their feelings.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:22

Nobody stood her up.

OP posts:
Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 21:22

Agree Mofo and Daisy. For me - just that fact, changes everything and says a huge amount about the two of them Sad

hayjon - not sure why you posted for all the difference it made. You made yourself right all the way to the end and there is no way that you are right about any of it end of.

KristineKochanski · 01/06/2011 21:23

I had no choice but to not go if he didn't. End of.

That bit. Why didn't you have a choice? He man, he says so you don't go?! Blimey. MY dh can be a bit like that as in the fact that sometimes he just doesn't want to go anywhere including family parties (but he always does in the end! ) but if he flat out refused I'd say 'fine I'll go without you then.' Oh and I actually would,
I'd refuse to miss out on things just because he couldn't be arsed, and especially in a case like this where he would be being downright rude - I wouldn't want MIL to think that it was anything to do with me when I was of the opinion that it was rude too!
You're trying to justify it to yourself but the fact is you were BOTH in the wrong.

DaisySteiner · 01/06/2011 21:23

So how close to the time of the event did you tell her? And what did she say?!

gapants · 01/06/2011 21:24

care to divulge a bit more OP about the timing/wording of the no go/show?

WholeLottaRosie · 01/06/2011 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 21:25

Daisy after 6 pages of asking without respond- I dont think hayjon could come out and say "no we didnt bother even letting her know". I dont know for sure but am assuming

Salmotrutta · 01/06/2011 21:26

So you did warn her you weren't coming then?? When? The day before?
Although she would still have been humiliated if she had to cancel all those guests (who may also have travelled)

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 21:26

Oh don't talk bollocks for Christ's sake, all this I would have still gone shite! Only a fraction of you would have still gone and driven 400 mile round trip to face an embarrassing awful day. Most of you are bullshitters and you know it.
You'd have been like me and not really known what to do for the best. Between a rock and a fucking hard place.

OP posts:
BanalChelping · 01/06/2011 21:26

I think that the happy couple [erm] thought MIL was asking about the arrangements, when in fact she was trying to dissuade them from having a shitty party in a shitty pub, watching shitty football.

I think that the first time she phones them the MIL says "Grunt (that's her son's name BTW), I was thinking of having a family party for you and your lovely wife. Would you like that?"
Grunt Spose
MIL Well, is there anything you'd like to do?
Grunt Go pub, watch football
MIL Oh, I was thinking more along the lines of a nice hotel for a meal and a few drinks, we could have a nice cake. Maybe you could help me choose the food?
Grunt Watch football, eat chips
MIL Very well dear, I'll see what I can do.

One week later

MIL Hello, I was just ringing to say I'd found a lovely place for the party and they do chips.
Grunt Chips! Wanna watch football.
MIL Now, about the football, are you sure? It's not quite what I had in mind and I'm not sure that Auntie Ethel will cope with the noise. Perhaps we should just concentrate on the party?
Grunt Wanna watch football
MIL Well, I'll phone the hotel and see if they've got a telly.

A week before the party

MIL Hello darling. I just wanted to let you know that I've ordered a beautiful cake for the party and I thought we could talk about the menu.

Grunt Chips!
MIL OK dear, what would you like with the chips? You have to have some meat and some green veg or you won't grow up big and strong you know.
Grunt Pie and peas.
Grunt And football. Wanna watch football.
MIL I did ask for a telly but it's just not possible I'm afraid.
Grunt I want football. I'm not coming. I hate you. You've ruined my fucking life!

gapants · 01/06/2011 21:27

I would have gone, 100% i would have taken my DB or BF for support if my DH was yours. But then the majority of us would not have been in your situation.

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