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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the guest I invited over not to send the nanny as a substitute?

252 replies

sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 15:53

I hate posting in this category but am genuinely interested in whether my reaction is unreasonable.

DD1 is friends with a girl at school. DS is also friends with her brother. They all get on well but we haven't yet had any occasion to invite them over to play. I know the parents to chat to if I bumped into them but again not particularly well.

DD1 has been asking for the friend to come and play and so I sent a text asking if the mother would like to bring both children over to play and for tea and said that we could have a chinwag over coffee whilst they were playing and get to know each other better.

So the response has come back that the mother is busy but the nanny would love to come over for a chat and coffee. I was quite shocked and thought this very cheeky since the invitation was clearly directed at the mother too.

AIBU to expect either the mother to come or else to suggest an alternative date if she is busy rather than send the nanny (who I've never even met) - or is this normal?

OP posts:
frakyouveryverymuch · 01/06/2011 00:45

IME invitations like that are for the children first and foremost so saying her nanny will bring them (and possibly stay as they live 35mins away - which must add a lot onto your dancing commute!) isn't unreasonable. Badly worded and unapologetic as it was, it most certaknky wasn't intended as a personal slught. You could easily have followed it up with 'Great, DD1 and DS will be delighted to see A and B. Shame you can't make it but let's meet for coffee/a drink/have you and your DH over to dinner some other time'.

Her second text, however, was just plain rude.

mathanxiety · 01/06/2011 04:42

She really is just making arrangements for her children using the services of whoever is handy, you or the nanny; whoever is either paid by her or willing to be co-opted and walked on. Piprabbit is right but I think she sees you as a nanny for her family too. She sounds very up herself.

frantic51 · 01/06/2011 05:48

I agree that she is clearly not interested in being friends with you. Whether that is because she is just so busy that she doesn't have enough free time for her existing friends and therefore doesn't want to widen her circle of friends generally at the moment, or whether it is because she doesn't want to be friends with you particularly, I don't know.

I think it is up to you to decide whether her DD is important enough as a friend to your DD for you to put up with her or not. If so, then it is probably a good idea to have the nanny over, despite the altered timing, as she is probably the one who is going to be around if ever your DD gets a return invitation. I wouldn't be offering to do the Saturday pick-up though! Hmm

spongefingerssavedmylife · 01/06/2011 08:34

Wow, she has declined to come for coffee and decided to send her chidren with someone else for LUNCH and asked you to collect her DD with no please or thank you! How can anyone not think this is rude?!

And your original text was fine OP

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 01/06/2011 09:38

Second text is outrageous. Tell her no, it's not convenient for her kids to come at the time she suggests and no, you can't pick up her kids on Saturday either. Leave it at that and let her chase you if she still doesn't get it.

ScroobiousPip · 01/06/2011 09:49

Agree second text was rude. Can you reply along the lines of 'so sorry, can't do lunchtime or Saturday. Another time perhaps.'

But I do think it is hard for nannies, and their charges. I've recently employed a nanny and DS's 'playdates' have dropped off entirely. None of the other mums seem to want to make the effort to make friends with our nanny so DS's life is really confined to organised activities now, which is so sad. If you have the opportunity another time, give the nanny a chance.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 01/06/2011 10:10

I would have been upset by this, & I don't think she would make a good friend if that's how she deals with people. So don't be offended, be glad you know that she is rude & that you've saved anymore efforts!

Btw I think that text was lovely & not at all too much, you wanted to initiate a friendship, what's wrong with that? She could have just said what a lovely idea but unfortunately I am run off my feet but a shame for the children to miss out, the nanny could come too if that would help? Or sommat like that... See, polite refusal & no one upset!!!

I am surprised about people turning this into a class thing, I didn't realise people were so sensitive about having a nanny!

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/06/2011 10:55

agree when lift sharing, you want the child to jump in and then you drive off , havnt got time for chit chat when trying to get to school/swimming/horse riding in time

rulenumber1 · 01/06/2011 11:04

I've had experience of mothers sending au pairs and nannies over to stay with the children during playdates on the basis that their mothers are 'too busy' and sometimes they've been very nice people indeed. Although I'm a SAHM I'm very busy too and don't have any help, when I invite another mother to come for coffee then I'm also taking time out of what is, for various reasons, a busy schedule. The 'help' may be very nice but I didn't invite them.

In your initial text you made it very clear that it was the dc's mother who was being invited. She was very very rude to decide to send a substitute without even asking if that was okay with you (which it wasn't). So yes, you are not being over sensitive, she has snubbed you. I'd say that she can't be bothered with you or even to be polite with you. In the light of that I was minded to say you to cancel the playdate.

The second text has left me speechless, what a sense of entitlement! Can I ask, is this a lift sharing arrangement or are you providing a service for the convenience of the other child's parents. If so, I'd end it now. I wouldn't ferry her children around if she doesn't want to know you or make the effort to be polite. I'd send her the text balloonslayer has suggested and leave things there.

You sound like a nice person btw and she does not. Find some other people to be friends with.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/06/2011 11:13

and yes say that friday lunch wont suit if it doesnt, but not if it does iyswim

when i work during the holidays,we have busy weeks and generally wouldnt be free a few days later, and would have to be following week

Laquitar · 01/06/2011 13:18

I don't know... this thread shows how different people are. At my dcs school 'circle' it is very normal for nannies to go to the playdates, birthday parties etc instead of the mum and people don't get offended if you don't go in for coffee. In fact i would feel that i'm 'eating' their time if i went in and staying for an hour having coffee. Is this a London thing? I've got 3 dcs, each of them goes to 2 schools plus sports etc, so if i was drinking coffee with each parent that i helped or got helped i would have palpitations of too many coffees Grin.

I still think this is a mountain over a hill. You wanted a playdate and coffee with an adult. You 've got that. Your dcs will play happily and you can have nice coffee and chat with the nanny, you might even become friends. Will be nice to know her as she will be the one who will make your dcs tea when they go there. And get her phone number because she will know other local nannies and it will be handy when you are stuck Wink. Life is too short to get offended by small things and it is easier when you think practical.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/06/2011 13:26

fb needs a 'like'button laquiter :)

1005 agree with what you said

as i said in my 1st reply, us nannies are nice, semi normal and kinda sane people

Laquitar · 01/06/2011 13:31

Smile at Blondes

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/06/2011 13:57

teach me to check what i write Blush

mn needs a 'like' button as on fb Grin

and 100% agree

if op wants her dc to have friends/playdates then fab - who cares who brings them over to them

if op wants to get to know the parents then invite them over for a meal sat eve and chill out over drinks - rather then in the middle of a manic play session :)

mathanxiety · 01/06/2011 14:36

The thing about getting to be friends with a nanny is that they come and go, unless you become more of the best friends forever sort of friend, which happens rarely, and with a nanny, you are probably looking at someone who is only there because her employer told her to go. The mutual interest in friendship or even socialising will not necessarily be there at the outset. Offering the nanny as a substitute wasn't fair on the nanny either. She may or may not have felt like socialising with Sabretoothtiger for an afternoon as a way of earning her living.

OP didn't want coffee and a chat with any random adult -- she wanted to cultivate a friendship with the specific adult she asked over. I hope she will take the big 'kick me' sign off her back and drop this rude and cold woman from her list of potential friends.

LineRunner · 01/06/2011 15:44

I agree DoubleLife there may be a bit of sensitivity popping up over the employment of nannies, which wasn't even the question posed!

Btw there's no 'lift sharing' going on - the OP is doing it all the pickings up. There's no snobbery going on - the OP feels snubbed because the other mum has snubbed her. There's no 'stalky stuff' going on - the other mum gave OP her mobile number so that she could use it. There's no 'insensitivity to working mums' going on - the OP works full time.

chinam · 01/06/2011 15:56

Wow, whatever about the mum suggesting that the DCs be brought over by the nanny, the second text from her was v.v rude. She seems to see the OP as an extension of the hired help.

porcamiseria · 01/06/2011 16:11

she's a bitch, I tell you! from today onwards do NOT try and be her friend and donT do her any fucking favours. and text back saying "sure, but a please and thnak you would not go amiss! I do work full time in case you forgot"

ICE THE BITCH!

gramercy · 01/06/2011 17:05

Exactly, mathanxiety. The nanny could be the nicest woman in the entire world, but she could be gone tomorrow and another nanny in her place. The OP was hoping to cultivate a family friendship which may last through school and beyond. As it is, I don't think this one is going to be a goer.

OP, I'd love someone to invite me as well as the dcs for a playdate/chinwag - but it's never happened Sad . I've never even had a chance to send the (non-existent!) nanny in my stead. Please extend your kind hospitality to a more friendly mum.

ScrotalPantomime · 01/06/2011 17:10

RUDE!

Her not you.

ScrotalPantomime · 01/06/2011 17:11

Hate to admit it but I really like these sorts of threads Blush I wonder what that says about me, that I enjoy being shocked by some people's sense of entitlement!

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/06/2011 17:53

tis true that nannies leave jobs - though often leave because of the parents Wink

though i am still great friends with 3 mums from my last job that i left over 5years ago

we go out on the piss for lunch and see each other at least once/twice a month and call/text weekly

Laquitar · 01/06/2011 19:44

gramercy you dont suppose to drink coffee with someone because she might move in 3 years time? Grin. This is too much over-thinking even for mn Grin

mathanxiety · 01/06/2011 20:44

Not three years time necessarily. I know a mother who has had three nannies in the last year. Her children are terrors high spirited. They were lovely women, though all about 20 years younger than me, and all spoke Polish as their first language. Very inclined to be polite and gave the impression they were not necessarily up for a three hour coffee session with someone who speaks English primarily.

bobbismum · 01/06/2011 23:19

paddypoopants.....if any mother offered to send George Clooney to my house for a coffee while the children played I suspect that the children would not be looked after particularly well on account of my swooning and that the obnoxious,rude mother would regularly be invited for a meal/drink/weekend away in the hope that her replacement came instead!