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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my Mum should offer a little financial help

308 replies

muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 15:20

If you are struggling to make ends meet and your parents (well just my Mum in my case) know about this do you think they should offer you some kind of financial help if they can? Just wondering everyone's take on this, don't want to go into personal details particularly but it grates just a little bit when my Mum is buying and selling properties and investing lots of money alongside taking a holiday abroad every few months. I told her about a debt situation and she said 'well, our money is all tied up'. This is towards her pension.
I don't expect hand outs but just the odd bit of help would be appreciated.
What do others parents do, if anything?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/05/2011 16:35

OP, you say that your parents are 'throwing money away with their holidays'... well you've been 'throwihg your money away' too on the things that you wanted to buy. You really sound petulant. :(

SunRaysthruClouds · 31/05/2011 16:35

OP - having expectations that a relative who apparently has plenty of money should give any proportion of it is the fast route to disappointment and broken relationships. Some people who have nothing, for whatever reason, who then expect parents or other relatives to shell out, can become very bitter when that expectation is not fulfilled. I have seen it plenty of times and similar issues have cropped up here on MN.

I strongly suggest you look objectively (ie as if you were being professionally advised) at your situation and work out what you need to do to resolve it independently of anyone?s help. Accept your mother for who she is and enjoy her company while you have it, not how much money you think she ought to give you.

It might not be an enjoyable experience at first but it will benefit you in the long run if you resolve it yourself. In fact she might look on it more positively if you do.

And the fact she didn?t take you on holiday when you were kids ? does that mean she went on holiday without you or she didn?t have them when in your current position either?

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:36

ooooo I love that word "petulant"... describes OP perfectly!

katvond · 31/05/2011 16:36

Me to scuzy, can someone really be that thick-skinned?

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:37

thats what is makingme think its a wind up katvond

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:39

i'm off to collect my son from creche and do a food shop. min you think i'll ask my mum to pay for it as i distinctly remember 30 odd years ago i asked for a barbie and got a lucky bag! she OWES me!

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 31/05/2011 16:40

scuzy - the thought had also crossed my mind.

HappyMummyOfOne · 31/05/2011 16:40

"I do expect some money off my parents as I have had no support at all financially and I think they are throwing money away on countless holidays"

You sound selfish and self centered. Your parents raised you and provided for you and now you are an adult and need to do the same for your own children rather than living on credit.

Its seems ok for you to throw money away and then expect somebody else to pay the debt but not ok for your parents to spend the money they have actually earned. Good for them having holidays etc, no doubt they worked hard raising you and working and can now enjoy some of the rewards of that hard work.

KristinaM · 31/05/2011 16:41

We borrowed several thousand pounds to help a family member who was going to lose her home and business.She promised she woud Pay it back. We have never seen a penny and it took years for us to pay off

Last winter she told us she had no money for heating and for the kids Christmas. We gave her ( gift not loan this time) £1000. she then left her kids with another relative for a month to go on holiday to Australia with her bf

No doubt she will come onto mumsnet soon moaning about her tight relatives who are loaded but won't give her a penny

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:42

i feel sorry for her kids tbh. they will be the ones who get a tenner in their birthday card instead of a hug and i love you and so proud of you.

usualsuspect · 31/05/2011 16:45

Excuse me .but I love my kids and help them out financially when I can

Thats a fucking nasty assumption to make

katvond · 31/05/2011 16:46

Usualsuspect are you the OP?

curtaincall · 31/05/2011 16:46

OP I'm in a very similar position and used to feel a bit sad that she never bought any clothes or presents (apart from a few books and baby things in 6 years) for ds let alone babysits, but now I wouldn't want their luxury lifestyle really (well ok maybe better food in fridge)! I know she doesn't trust anyone and has huge fears about being poor (not having staff and several homes ) but it's symptomatic of how she feels about money. It's her security and that's that. I rather appreciate it now and know that she's hanging onto what she's got is what makes her feel safe. I've just got to get my shit together if I want expensive hols and smoked salmon and not disappear into debt!!

Good luck though. They say that unhappiness comes with comparing yourself to others especially those close to you. Try not to do it and find help elsewhere

Pagwatch · 31/05/2011 16:46

Blimey, the op is getting quite a kicking.

Op - have you thought about why she won't lend you cash?
Why do you think?
My ds1 knows that our view is that we would want to help him if he needed it but that we expect Jim to do what he needs to to be financially independent. He would know why we said no, if we said no....iyswim

Do you have any idea

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:47

oops someone forgot the name the posted under?!?!

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 16:47

I'm not materialistic at all. I'm really not. I just can't manage my money. I'm sorting out the debts. I got my answer, yes I am being unreasonable. My Mum and my stepdad can live their lives as they see fit.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 31/05/2011 16:48

I don't know anyone called Jim.
That should have read him.

usualsuspect · 31/05/2011 16:48

No I'm not the op ..but to make the assumption that people who help their kids out financially don't care about their kids is fucking nasty

Gingefringe · 31/05/2011 16:48

Agree with previous posters who say that mixing family with money does breed resentment.
We lent BIL and SIL £2,000 some time ago 'to tide them over for 6 weeks' as they said they were in dire straits and couldn't afford to pay the mortgage or childminder. We could hardly afford to lend them the money and the 6 weeks turned into 10 months. During this time the SIL was still spending like crazy and gave her DS a large expensive birthday party! I was seething. We had to ask for the money back in the end and they hardly thanked us for it. It still annoys me!!
Sorry to digress but think that YABa little U to expect mum to help you. She may even feel it unfair to help you and not any of your sibling (if you have any?)

katvond · 31/05/2011 16:48

I will say it I honestly think this is a windup to get us on MN hot under the collar. I honestly and hope no one could really be this thick skinned and selfish.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 16:49

'I am unreasonable, I do expect some money off my parents as I have had no support at all financially and I think they are throwing money away on countless holidays. I will sort out my own debt and I know how I can do this but I still think parents should try to help out a little bit. I don't think this is terrible.'

And you'd take money off them for that? Seriously? I'd be embarrassed and ashamed to do so for such reasons. I'd feel like such a loser, not an adult. I'd feel like I was robbing my parents of their hard-earned monies, monies they saved and invested so as never to be a burden on me and my sister, out of my own sheer fecklessness and foolishness. After all they did to help me in life. I'd have my tail between my legs.

I never even told them about any of our debts. It's our business, not theirs.

usualsuspect · 31/05/2011 16:49

oops someone forgot the name the posted under?!?!

Wrong ..go troll hunt somewhere else

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:50

agree katvond. it is a windup and i think someone has slipped up.

katvond · 31/05/2011 16:50

I will continue baking my pasties.

BulletWithAName · 31/05/2011 16:50

LOL at usualsuspect being a troll

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