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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my exH is a shit for asking my DS2 to live with him after 11 years

246 replies

womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:06

We are relocating to Norfolk from London in the next 6 weeks and have just told my EXH and his wife. My DS2 is 14 and doesn't want to move but due to finances, family reasons etc we don't really have a choice. I've looked into secondary schools for him and have set up appointments and have arranged for him to start training with the local football team but................. I do know he is unhappy about the move. So AIBU when my ex then phones up DS2 and offers him a room in his house in Cambridgeshire (see still having to move) and i'm brokenhearted that DS2 is considering it. I know if he decides to move in with his dad I can't say or do anything as it'll be his choice but its killing me:(. I've looked after DS2 on my own since he was 3 and only in the last 2 years met and married.

OP posts:

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 31/05/2011 16:26

14 year olds can have the emotional maturity... but then it knocks them for 6. I gave a LOT of thought to moving to live with my mum (yes, it was the 'other way around'). They did talk to me about it, perhaps not in an unbiased way, although my sibling who had moved with them a year or so earlier tried to dissuade me (and when I did move in told me I had ruined everything). I had to deal with my dad telling me that he would kill himself if I left. It took a HUGE amount of courage to say I needed to go and that if he chose to do that it would be his choice (or something like that, I don't remember much from the conversation, except that my heart had been ripped out my chest and shoved back down my throat). He emotionally abused me tho, and it was my gran (maternal side), who actually raised me. I didn't want to leave her, or my DB, but I had to leave him. I'd already started harming myself, and I was sensible and EMOITIONALLY aware enough to know what to do. But boy was it SO VERY HARD. And yes it left it's scars.

Totally different know, but teenagers really are capable of making hard decisions.

BTW my dad did not kill himself, but after that conversation and me moving out, I was was so scared of him I could barely face him for quite some time, and it is only now as an adult that I can hug him. I can't kiss him.

I am with Rap on this one, If I had wanted to go back, my mum should have used any means to make me stop... sadly it was the other way around, so the harm was already done.

Moving I don't think is a big issue. Sometimes a new school can actually be beneficial to a child (if they are the victim etc), it depends how all this is handled, because emotional upheaval is far far worse. I think this is what the OP wants to avoid, and why she thinks the Ex is a shit for suggesting something that will place the DC in an emotional dilemma. He is already faced with leaving his friends etc, now he is faced with the choice about gaining acceptance from his dad, but leaving his mum... This is BIG stuff.

Rapaccioli · 31/05/2011 16:41

Snorbs the cruelty comes, imho, from the 'father' who suggested it in the first place. I just did what I needed to safeguard both my children. I;m from the old school and don't hold with this PC, airy fairy idea that it's cruel to make a child realise the serious consequences of their proposed actions. My child isn't scarred by it but content with how things have panned out and is doing well.

Snorbs · 31/05/2011 16:51

No. A genuine consequence is something that will inevitably and unavoidably happen following a given course of action.

The "consequences" you offered your DD were actually calculated threats that you decided upon for no reason other than to emotionally blackmail her into getting your own way. It's different.

PigletJohn · 31/05/2011 16:53

"leave this house against my wishes and you shall never return"

It's as well to make it clear that love, acceptance and parental care are conditional on obedience.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 16:53

TBH if I was a 14yo and had lived with my mum as a single parent since the age of 3, and my dad who I never saw and I knew my mum didn't think much of said I could go and live with him, and my mum just said "fine", I would take it as a rejection from her. I would expect for her to fight tooth and nail to keep me, IYSWIM. If she just said, OK then whatever you think, and cheerfully waved me off I'd be gutted.

Just to give another take on all of this.

likale · 31/05/2011 16:56

SQ- Would it not be better to respect their wishes rather than to become emotionally abusive towards them.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:00

TBH I think it is deeply nasty to basically tell your 14yo that you don't really care whether they live with you or a man 100 miles away who they don't know and who you suspect won't look after them very well.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:02

If you look at it another way, what rap did, and what her child probably understood that she was doing, was desperately trying to keep him with her out of love.

Of course all families are different but generally children know that a parent making a threat as wild as that is doing so from concern and love. Rather than they actually mean it. No reason to think that rap's family is any different.

She didn't want him to go, she had good reasons. I'm sure he understood that, TBH.

Snorbs · 31/05/2011 17:03

"Let your child do whatever the hell they like" and "emotionally blackmail your child with cruel threats to get them to do what you want" are not the only two choices here.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:04

All children want to feel wanted, don't they? especially during those tricky teenage years.

likale · 31/05/2011 17:05

I think there's a massive difference between making your child feel wanted and emotionally blackmailing them into carrying on living with you.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 17:06

I don't think that there is anything wrong with a parent who has been their child's sole carer proving that they will fight for them. I also don't think that there is anything wrong with letting a child know that there will be consequences to a decision that will impact upon others. I think that is all that rappacioli was doing, and she is the only one who knows what the issues with her ex are, and clearly feels justified in taking that action to protect her DC so it's not really for others to criticise.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 17:06

I think what shocks me, and others, is the way that you chose to ensure that you got your way. To effectively say to a 14yo "Either do what I want or you're out of the family for good" is emotional blackmail of quite breathtaking cruelty IMO.

That is the thing that shocks me. If the father is 'a shit' then the DS wouldn't be comfortable living with him anyway. I don't think that you need ultimatums.

It isn't having anything against Norfolk-it is changing a 14yr olds, school friends, entire life that needs to be handled with sensitivity-not the words 'you are mine -you are coming with me'.
In case of OP Cambridgeshire is still an entire life change, so I don't see any advantage to it.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:06

Do people really think that mothers should just stand back and "respect the wishes" of 14 yo children, let them go off and live in other parts of the country with people they basically don't know, with a smile and a wave?

Do they really think that will make the 14yo feel secure? If they think their mum is happy for them to just go off like that?

I suppose it all depends on the child and the family, but it could well result in the child feeling terribly unwanted.

likale · 31/05/2011 17:09

SQ- Its the way she said if you leave then you're not welcome back, thats not making your child feel wanted thats saying I love and want you provided that you're doing what I want you to do. Its bullying those that are weaker than you really

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:12

And if you come from a secure loving family, when your mum says something like "if you do then you can't come back" then you know damn well that she doesn't actually mean it. And children understand that is what is happening, that their parent really desperately doesn't want them to do whatever it is.

Of course all families are different and I don't know rap, but there are certainly two ways of taking all of this.

Snorbs · 31/05/2011 17:13

"Do people really think that mothers should just stand back and "respect the wishes" of 14 yo children, let them go off and live in other parts of the country with people they basically don't know, with a smile and a wave?"

I think it depends hugely on the circumstances. In the OP's case, and quite possibly Rap's, then no I don't think they should just wave their 14yos goodbye.

But that doesn't make it ok to use emotional blackmail and unreasonable threats to get those 14yos to do what you want. I think it would be a lot better to say "No" and give the reasons for that refusal.

The other side of this is that if it came to court then the judge would almost certainly allow a 14yo to decide where they live. That's just the way that family courts go.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:15

People on this thread have said that the OP would be unreasonable to say no, and that she should let her son go and not make a fuss.

wikolite · 31/05/2011 17:17

I've been thinking about this and whether you think that emotionally blackmailing and manipulating kids to do something that would be benficial to them or not do something harmful to them depends on whether you think the ends justify the means.
I think that you shouldn't be emotionally abusive to your children is wrong and so I don't think you should do it under any circumstances

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:21

A mother saying to her child that she desperately wants them to stay as she loves them so much, and will be devastated if they leave is guilt trippy / blackmailing isn't it, really.

So you can't say that, even if it's true.

Can people not see that for a parent who has raised a child to let them go without a fight will be similarly damaging?

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:22

Presumably crying would be out of the question, at the station.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:22

Let's face it she's not going to see much of him after this, is she. Weeks he'll be in school and with dad, weekends he'll be up in London with his old mates.

Still. Easy come, easy go.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 17:23

Yes SQ, because he's the father. That's all that matters apparently. It matters not that he is a deadbeat who hasn't seen or provided for his children. It matters not that one of the reasons the OP has been forced into this move is financial pressure that could have been alleviated with some maintenance over the years. It matters not that the father is a virtual stranger and the child will be separated from his family unit and his siblings in the process. All that matters is that the father is recognised as equal in status and generous in making this offer to prevent his poor child being dragged to the wilderness of Norfolk by his selfish mother who should find a magical way to remain living somewhere she can't afford to because a 14 year old child should never have to move home with his family or do anything he doesn't want to do.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 17:25

I agree wikolite -not under any circumstances.
As the parent you put the DC first and don't go to war with ex partner -scoring points. You act in the best interest of the DC, which isn't to slag off his father (keep your opinions to yourself)DCs aren't stupid, they work out for themselves who really loves them and makes them feel secure.
If my mother was slagging off my father I would reason that she wasn't too keen on me-I believe that nature is far more important than nurture. A DCs characteristics come from both parents. (you must have seen some good at one time to have a DC with the man)

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:28

Why do you think anyone is slagging anyone off?

Why is it an impossibility that it's in the best interests of the child to stay with the parent who has brought it up?

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