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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my exH is a shit for asking my DS2 to live with him after 11 years

246 replies

womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:06

We are relocating to Norfolk from London in the next 6 weeks and have just told my EXH and his wife. My DS2 is 14 and doesn't want to move but due to finances, family reasons etc we don't really have a choice. I've looked into secondary schools for him and have set up appointments and have arranged for him to start training with the local football team but................. I do know he is unhappy about the move. So AIBU when my ex then phones up DS2 and offers him a room in his house in Cambridgeshire (see still having to move) and i'm brokenhearted that DS2 is considering it. I know if he decides to move in with his dad I can't say or do anything as it'll be his choice but its killing me:(. I've looked after DS2 on my own since he was 3 and only in the last 2 years met and married.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 17:29

Can people not see that for a parent who has raised a child to let them go without a fight will be similarly damaging?

Why are they fighting? Have a reasonable disussion. Why on earth would a DC want to live with a man he doesn't know who hasn't a good track record? I don't think you need to manipulate or fight. If you have good relationship with your DS he isn't going to want to go off to new home, new school, new friends etc. People will act as if 14 yr old can't work things out for themselves.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 17:30

Why is it an impossibility that it's in the best interests of the child to stay with the parent who has brought it up?

Why is an impossibility that a 14yr old can't work it out for themselves?!

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:32

Do people find it hard to understand that a parent who has raised a child by themsleves might be able to explain to a child why they don't want them to go without slagging anyone off?

Oh I forgot, saying that you don't want someone to go because you love them is emotional abuse.

So that really does shut down all options for the parent, teh mother in these cases. Explain to the child that the man is bad (in whatever way he is bad) - WRONG. Explain to the child that you can't bear them to leave because they are a part of the family and you love them and everyone will miss them so. WRONG. What does that leave? A smile and a kiss and help them pack their bags? That's going to make them feel wanted isn't it.

Hmm
SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:33

exoticfruits these children don't actually know their fathers. Their mothers do. The fathers have not supported the children financially or had anything other than token, sporadic and very occasional contact. The mothers think it is a bad idea for them to go, they have concerns.

Still happy smile and send them off to work it out for themselves. Great!

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 17:34

A reasoned discussion, keeping your opinions to yourself.The DC has a right to two parents who love him, the fact that they don't love each other shouldn't change things or make any difference to him.

wikolite · 31/05/2011 17:34

"Explain to the child that the man is bad (in whatever way he is bad)"- 14yos are more than capable of doing this themselves

"Explain to the child that you can't bear them to leave because they are a part of the family and you love them and everyone will miss them so"- Thats emotional blackmail

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:35

How do you know these fathers love their children?

You are making an assumption there.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 17:36

You can't tell me that a 14 yr old who has a good, loving and secure relationship with the mother-doesn't know the father, who has been proved to be feckless-is going to pack his bags!
However I believe in unconditional love so would always be there -whatever-I can't imagine saying go and you can't come back!

Wellnerfermind · 31/05/2011 17:37

I think there are a few people on here worried about their children going off to live with their Exs or they are worried this may become more common.

It's very unlikely.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:37

"Explain to the child that you can't bear them to leave because they are a part of the family and you love them and everyone will miss them so"- Thats emotional blackmail

Are you serious?

A mother whose child is leaving is not allowed to tell them that she loves them? That they will be missed? That they will leave a hole in the family?

Don't you think most 14yo would want to think that is the effect that their moving away would have on their family?

This thread is nuts.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:38

"You can't tell me that a 14 yr old who has a good, loving and secure relationship with the mother-doesn't know the father, who has been proved to be feckless-is going to pack his bags!"

Well he might well do that. Because he's 14. He doesn't want to leave his friends. He may have his eye on a girl, or have a girlfriend. He really might well do it.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 17:39

Well-if you leave your door open he would pretty soon be back-if his father is as bad as you say!

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 17:40

In 4 yrs time you will tell if the 14 yr old was happy-because if he wasn't you won't see him for dust!

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 17:41

I meant happy with emotional blackmail.

wikolite · 31/05/2011 17:42

SQ- Telling your child that their leaving will leave a hole in the family is a heavily weighted statement aimed at getting them not to leave or pursue what they want to do so I think its emotional blackmail.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 17:42

Rap said that her ex was violent. Is that point irrelevant? I would do whatever it took to stop my child being exposed to a violent man.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:42

If he has been let go without a fight he might be under the impression that his mum isn't that fussed.

He might not want to look like an arse and change his mind.

He might feel pressure to stay after having whole new school uniform etc bought.

His father might apply pressure to him not to leave.

A hundred different things might keep him away, even if he was unhappy.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:43

millie of course that's not relevant Hmm Don't be silly.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:45

wikolite don't you see that acting as if you couldn't give a monkeys is going to be extraordinarily upsetting for a teenager?

He will leave a hole in the family. That is true. But the women in these situations apparently need to lie to their children, about their feelings and about the facts surrounding the ex (no maintenance etc) and (through the lies) encourage their children to go and live with men who basically aren't interested in them, a long long way away?

wikolite · 31/05/2011 17:47

Its not acting like you don't give a monkeys, its just respecting his wishes and allowing him to live with life the way he chooses and not to put your own feelings ahead of his.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 17:49

Wikolite, allowing a 14 year old to live the way he choses could result in him staying out all night, drinking, having underage sex and refusing to go to school. Should the mother also accept his wishes with regards to these issues?

millie30 · 31/05/2011 17:50

Also, do you really think that trying to stop your child living with a violent man is 'putting your feelings ahead of his?' Seriously?

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:51

Have you got children, wikolite?

Have you read what these "fathers" are like?

Do you know any 14yo?

Christ there are threads on here saying that a 14yo and a 12yo shouldn't be left alone in the house for an evening, yet here apparently they are well able to make enormous life changing decisions and go and live with men they basically don't know and their mothers should simply sit back and say fine, and not let any silly emotions get in the way as that will be emotional blackmail.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:51

Quite, milly.

Wellnerfermind · 31/05/2011 17:53

I've read what two posters have said about the Fathers.

I'd love to hear their side.