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AIBU?

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Original poster

So huge party, DH stays in bed!

161 replies

QuackQuackSqueak · 29/05/2011 21:26

Had a huge BBQ (by huge I mean 70 people) at lunch time today. Special occassion so loads of decorations and entertainment to sort of for all the children that came too, games etc. I was making all the food so lots to do. I got up at 6.30 to get started on it all and DH says he wants his lay-in as normal. I couldn't believe it! I have been planning the party for weeks and have done absolutely everything for it! So I just left him to it as I had too much to do to be arguing!

So I got up and moved all the furniture around, blew up balloons, put decorations up (loads of them as it had a theme), vaccumed, got kids dressed and hair done and teeth brushed, gave them breakfast, started making the food etc all whilst looking after our children. My DH got up at 8.30 and made himself breakfast (I hadn't had time for any), sat down to eat it then went for a wash and to get dressed which was again something that I hadn't managed to do. He then cut the veggies and moved the garden furniture and put out some rubbish, so he did do some stuff but it seemed begrudging and a bit humpy. So was really behing schedule and didn't quite get everything done that needed to be but just about enough. Forgot a few bits of food and things and was really stressed. The whole time the guests were here I felt like I was playing catch up.

So I'm really pissed off! He knows this and said I should have got him up earlier and that he only wanted a little lay-in, not as long as he had but how was I supposed to know that! Feel really let down as we ususally do things as a team Sad

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 30/05/2011 07:55

I did all the thinking and planning and getting stuff and then I would ask him what he thought about things along the way.

When you asked him, did he just go "yeah, that sounds fine" or "great"? did he ever actually suggest anything? Because I get the "great" responses when DH is humouring me and isn't actually paying attention/doesn't give a shit about whatever I'm getting in a fuss about.

claig · 30/05/2011 07:58

'Jealous? He said he didnt want the party. Why would he be jealous?'

he didn't say he didn't want the party 3 months ago. He deliberately sabotaged it at the end, because of his resentment and because he wasn't the star turn.

follyfoot · 30/05/2011 08:01

He wasnt the star turn? The party sounds waaaaay over the top to me (as the OP has admitted). Nothing to do with him being jealous or wanting to be the star turn; on the contrary, it sounded like he wanted a much smaller do, without any star turn at all. Everything to do with him being peed off that it had gone ahead anyway. Bit of a childish response from him (though he didnt sabotage it, it went really well) but I can kind of understand why he felt the way he did

claig · 30/05/2011 08:04

Why didn't he communicate any of that ages before teh big day? He was grumpy and sulky and tried to put a slight spanner in teh works at the last minute. I think it is because he couldn't help himself due to his resentment and jealousy that he was a bit part in the great event. I have met characters like that in my life, which is why I think this sounds similar.

claig · 30/05/2011 08:06

I understand why he did it also. I understand the latent resentment behind it, but unlike you I don't condone it. He was out of order while the OP was working overtime trying to make it a great event for the kids and all of teh guests.

follyfoot · 30/05/2011 08:10

Think you are way off beam here, but there you go. He was peed off, he didnt want the party, he did as little as possible to help because clearly he wasnt happy with having such a big party and didnt want to be any part, let alone a star part of it.

I suspect next year's party will be different eh OP, get him to do it himself Grin

QuintessentialOldMoo · 30/05/2011 08:15

A childrens birthday party with 70 people? Were you trying to show off and outdo all the other preschool/nursery parents?

I am not surprised he did not want to be a part of this..... It is giving a needy impression.

Did your kids enjoy their party? Did your kids feel special at their birthday party?

claig · 30/05/2011 08:15

He had helped the night before. On the big day, he suddenly stays in bed and then says we should never had had it, it costs too much.

Instead of thinking about teh OP, the kids'd fun and being a good host to the other guests, he started sulking and thinking about himself. It wasn't about him, it was about the kids and the guests, but to him it was about him, about his role and lack of role. He was selfish, sulky and resentful on teh big day.

altinkum · 30/05/2011 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claig · 30/05/2011 08:23

Well done OP on inviting all of the SN kids in the class, and great on your DS too. I bet they all had a great time.

noddyholder · 30/05/2011 08:23

Sounds a nightmare go to mcdonalds next time!

wolfhound · 30/05/2011 08:24

I sympathise. 8.30 is a massive lie-in in our household (with two small early-rising DC at least one of us is up at 5.30 most days). And on a great big special occasion, it's not unreasonable to expect both of you to be up doing your bit. It sounds like he was being rather passive-aggressive, and that's unfair on you. Don't have an answer though. I feel a bit like this at Xmas (with far fewer guests). DH has said that he is doing Xmas dinner this year. Far from relaxing me, it makes me feel stressed as I think everyone will be having beans on toast for lunch... (with the beans and toast arriving separately).

Original poster
QuackQuackSqueak · 30/05/2011 09:44

humanoctopus I just hate 'should've woke/called/told/asked/reminded me..... - me too!

MmeLindor The OP didn't ask if she was being unreasonable in holding a party for 70 people. She asked if it was unreasonable to expect her DH to get out of be and help with the prep. And whether he was truly happy with the big party is also irrelevant. If he wasn't then he should have said so weeks ago instead of sulking on the day of the party. Why should the OP have to nag him to get up? He is an adult and he knew that they were expecting guests at noon. - Thanks! You totally got the point!

bettydraperswardrobeelf - Thank you! I have told him I feel really let down and abandoned, not sure he realises how upset I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuackQuackSqueak · 30/05/2011 09:55

altinkum - I didn't think it was a huge amount either. It was actually about 30 children so each of my children had 15 guests (they have loads of mates so that was actually strict of me!) plus each child had a parent and some had 2. Actually there were a few more kids as some brought siblings. Plus then a couple of friends of ours who love our children and so couldn't not be invited and the grandparents and an aunty! It really mounts up! If you have 1 child that invites their whole class of 30 and say 25 come, with parents that is 50 plus grandparents . . .

I don't understand why people think I was showing off. I have never done a party before and wanted my dcs to have the people there that they wanted (although I had to draw a line a one point as we would have had over a 100!). I sent out the invites but had no real idea of how many would attend as it seems to vary so much depending on time of year etc. And I really didn't want to leave the SN children out as they are all so lovely and I couldn't bare the thought of any little sad faces when they didn't get an invite! I put a lot of work into it as I was worried about the children being bored so planned more things then they would need really, I was trying to be prepared, not showing off!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 30/05/2011 09:56

I would never arrange a kids party that meant I had to get up at 6.30 and if my husband did I wouldn't be impressed. I'd have it later in the day if it took that long to get stuff ready. It all sounds a bit competitive parenting to me.
It sounds as though it was mainly your project rather than something you both wanted. I suspect if you'd both got up at 8.30 nothing awful would have happened, just a few less decorations to have to take down afterwards.

Original poster
QuackQuackSqueak · 30/05/2011 10:02

claig He had helped the night before. On the big day, he suddenly stays in bed and then says we should never had had it, it costs too much. Instead of thinking about teh OP, the kids'd fun and being a good host to the other guests, he started sulking and thinking about himself. It wasn't about him, it was about the kids and the guests, but to him it was about him, about his role and lack of role. He was selfish, sulky and resentful on teh big day.

I think the first bit is correct, that he should have been thinking about the kids fun and help me etc. Not convinced he wanted to be centre of attention though as he's not a centre of attention person. Think he's just been really miserable lately.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuackQuackSqueak · 30/05/2011 10:04

I suspect if you'd both got up at 8.30 nothing awful would have happened, just a few less decorations to have to take down afterwards

If we had both got up at that time 2rebecca then my children would have been up and running around with no one to look after them so not an option!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 30/05/2011 10:13

Do you get a lie in the next day then? No way would my husband get to lie in if I had to get up.

slartybartfast · 30/05/2011 10:21

i think you are much ado about nothing. tbh.

he stayedin bed til 8.30

tsk you should see my dh

it is not the end of the world. your title reads like he slept through the whole bbq

slartybartfast · 30/05/2011 10:22

party sorry

Theyremybiscuits · 30/05/2011 10:23

QuackQuack you have received a fair bit of stick on this thread.

Never mind. Your DH was being abit UR yes.

Concentrate on the fact that the party was a success, the SN kids had a grand time - and that you are very thoughtful, wanting everyone to have a nice time x

glassofwhiteanybody · 30/05/2011 10:25

If your children need someone to be up and awake with them early in the morning, that's one issue. Who should do that depends on who works / whose turn it is etc

Preparation for the party is a different issue. I don't think I'd organise a party which involved anyone getting up at 6.30 to prepare for it. If the party had started at 2pm, you would have had more time to prepare. 12 noon sounds early.

Tryharder · 30/05/2011 10:31

Can't believe the response the OP is getting. The general consensus seems to be that the OP was showing off and therefore deserved the reaction from her DH.

They were organising a party for their DCs. The DH should have pulled his weight more. YANBU.

ilovesooty · 30/05/2011 10:36

*I did all the thinking and planning and getting stuff and then I would ask him what he thought about things along the way.

When you asked him, did he just go "yeah, that sounds fine" or "great"? did he ever actually suggest anything? Because I get the "great" responses when DH is humouring me and isn't actually paying attention/doesn't give a shit about whatever I'm getting in a fuss about.*

That sounds exremely likely to me. If he doesn't realise now how upset you are, it sounds as though there were quite a lot of shortcomings in communication all the way through this.

colditz · 30/05/2011 10:43

8.30 is not late. You wanted to throw a massive party for 70 people, and he did get up and help you. I totally understand why spending the early hours of sunday morning making sandwiches didn't really press his buttons.

WHose idea was the party? Whose idea was it to invite everyone you know? Whose idea was it to make it themed?
As your OP if full of "I" statements, I'm guessing it was you.