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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH told me infront of ILs to use my brain

250 replies

barbie007 · 29/05/2011 20:56

DH told me in front of ILs that I should do something with my brain.....why not a year of postgraduate law conversion? Or get into finance and earn lots of money? I used to be a schoolteacher so why does he think I want to be a lawyer or a banker now?

I've been a SAHM for 10 years and I love it. I use my brain all the time and it p**s me off that he thinks I don't. We don't need an extra wage btw. I've not spoken to him for the last few hours and when he asked if I could help with dinner tonight (we were only having cheese toasties!) I told him to use his brain and work it out.

OP posts:
DontGoCurly · 29/05/2011 20:59

Twonk, don't blame you not speaking to him. And nice witty rejoinder there by the way with telling him the same back.

DontGoCurly · 29/05/2011 21:00

He's the twonk op , not you !

carriedababi · 29/05/2011 21:02

fucking hell, i hate disloyalty, in front of others he should never critasize imo

what a nob.

captainbarnacle · 29/05/2011 21:03

I think that was a crass and stupid way of paying you a compliment...

LynetteScavo · 29/05/2011 21:03

I think he was giving you a backhanded complement.

He's trying, very badly to say you are capable of achieving great things.

Sad that he doesn't value being a SAHM.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 29/05/2011 21:03

What grates more. The fact he told you that at all or that it was in front of the ILs?

LaWeasel · 29/05/2011 21:07

I think he was trying to be nice and show confidence in your abilities but mucked it up spectacularly.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 29/05/2011 21:09

He needs to grovel. Lots.

How dare he say that in front of your In-laws. I would be telling him to use his brain and make his meal, do his laundry, and everything he asked me for for quite some time.

MonstaMunch · 29/05/2011 21:10

i think he was trying to be helpful also, he doesnt want you to be resentful or bored

TheSecondComing · 29/05/2011 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 21:12

not necessarily as dire as some here would have you believe
if you have been sahm for 10yr then yes he might mean it might be good to do something stimulating and use your brain was clumsy way of saying it

jade80 · 29/05/2011 21:13

I think it was a crap way of saying you're clever. He just didn't think about the implication, that he was saying you don't need to use your mental skills at the moment. Good comeback re. the toasties! Don't make him suffer too long, but do spell out why you were cross- the poor bloke might be confused, a bit much for him to understand, you know? Lol.

FabbyChic · 29/05/2011 21:14

Could it not be he feels you have spent enough time being a SAHM and should be considering returning to work?

Original poster
barbie007 · 29/05/2011 21:15

The fact that he thinks that upsets me. It's a big insult if someone says 'you should use your brain' because it implies that you're not.

And not good infront of ILs....I really don't think he was trying to give me a compliment. He must think I do f**k all during the day

OP posts:
Hassled · 29/05/2011 21:15

I think he was trying to say that you're very clever. In a pretty piss poor sort of way, but the intentions were probably good.

However - if he is not happy with you being a SAHM, if he's struggling with the responsibility of being the sole wage-earner, then that's something you do need to talk about.

TheSecondComing · 29/05/2011 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZhenXiang · 29/05/2011 21:16

Is there something more going on here than meets the eye? If money is not a problem re: you being SAHM then why is he suggesting finance or law you could equally use your brain earning peanuts. Maybe you should just come out and ask him why he made such a comment. Like others have said he probably meant to give you a compliment, but the link to high income would have me wondering especially in this financial climate. Tell him how you feel put down, how you love being SAHM etc ... if he still doesn't get it then leave him with kids for a few days while you go for a relaxing spa break, he will soon understand exactly how many brain cells are really required.

ENormaSnob · 29/05/2011 21:16

Not trying to be harsh op but maybe he would prefer you to go back to work.

Not particularly for the money.

carriedababi · 29/05/2011 21:17

what does HE do for a job? perhaps hes finding that boriing an dull, and projecting?

there are plenty of dull jobs out there, maybe he hates his?

Inertia · 29/05/2011 21:19

Did you respond to him in front of your in-laws at the time? It could achieve a much faster resolution than not talking- "Thanks, but I do use my brain in my current role, which is why childcare and the household run so smoothly. However, if you feel that we need extra household income, we can discuss that another time".

Is he the sort of man who would deliberately try to put you down, or could it be a very clumsy way of trying to demonstrate your intelligence to his parents? Sounds as though he has a very limited understanding of how intelligence can be used, and the value of different roles and responsibilities in families and society.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 21:20

so whats on his mind?could he do with you working?is money tight
only you know the nuance whether it was an insult or clumsy composition
but why is it such a big deal to you for him to suggest you work?10yr sahm is long time,how long exactly do you plan to be sahm?do you want to return to work at all?its a big deal if you never work again and your dh is sole earner

ohmyfucksy · 29/05/2011 21:20

Maybe he thinks you don't have much to talk about except house/kids

Maybe he is fed up with being the sole financial provider

Maybe he wants to be able to say that his wife does Important Job X rather than stays at home.

Maybe he's just having a grass-is-greener moment.

some of these things are more reasonable than others, but either way I think you actually need to ask him what he meant by it. Sulking and not talking to him isn't going to achieve much.

Unfortunately a lot of people/men think that mothers who stay at home basically fuck about all day. It often doesn't get very much respect.

DamnDeDoubtance · 29/05/2011 21:22

That comment completely devalues everything that you do.

Disrespectful at best.

Not sure how in any way it can be interpreted as a compliment of any sort.

AnnieLobeseder · 29/05/2011 21:24

His method of delivery is poor and he should apologise for it. But you need to talk about what he really meant. Perhaps he's tired of carrying all the financial responsibility himself and would like you to take over some of it.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 21:26

so when are you planning to use your skills
10yrs is long time for partner to be sole earner without a commitment from you to return to work sometime