DH told me infront of ILs to use my brain

[barbie007]

DH told me in front of ILs that I should do something with my brain.....why not a year of postgraduate law conversion? Or get into finance and earn lots of money? I used to be a schoolteacher so why does he think I want to be a lawyer or a banker now?

I've been a SAHM for 10 years and I love it. I use my brain all the time and it p**s me off that he thinks I don't. We don't need an extra wage btw. I've not spoken to him for the last few hours and when he asked if I could help with dinner tonight (we were only having cheese toasties!) I told him to use his brain and work it out.

Karma - of course having choice is important, and if being a SAHM is what you want to do, that's, well, your choice! (I was one myself once - I guess I just felt awkward in justifying it after a few years!). However the OP seems to be taking this choice with little regard for her dh's feelings. If a man took a few years out to do similar activities to the OP this would probably be viewed dimly.

Soupdragon - are you implying that I said that? If so I think you've misunderstood my post. I made a point of saying that it wasn't just my financial contribution but also my teaching the dds valuable lessons in working hard and maintaining their independence.

I got the impression that this was the first the OP had heard of it, but may have missed something up thread. I think it's okay to discuss the future, but given that he has enjoyed the benefits of having a wife at home he is not in a position to get all demanding now that he no longer needs her to be there.

For me though, this is less about the rights and wrongs of staying at home (which will vary from family to family) and more about him criticising her for doing something which has suited him, now that it no longer does. It's a bit like he thinks he's done her this huge favour by 'allowing' her to stay home for so long, when in fact he has gained enormously from it. Now he no longer needs it, it's like he's saying "get your arse out to work and be of value to me in a monetary sense". Nevermind that her opportunities have declined because of what they decided together. It devalues what she does contribute. Bringing it up in front of his parents was an incredibly rude thing to do and was cowardly imo.

I'm not sure I'm expressing myself clearly but I have a sense of the rules being changed to suit the wage earner at the expense of the SAHP.

Hi OP - I've just gone back to work after 10 years as a SAHM. I am highly educated and I know my DH was worried about me being bored. He never put any pressure on me and I know I would have been annoyed if he's said what your DH said in front of anyone else. I also did voluntary work which was fulfilling and gave me lots of confidence and new skills. Bt ultimately I wanted to earn money again, especially with the economic downturn.

Hope you have a productive talk with your DH to find out if this was a flippant comment or what motivated it. Just to say, now I am working again, I have straight away seen that my DSs value what I've been doing as a SAHM and are helping much more. My DH is also contributing more to household tasks and totally gets that life has changed for all of us. Far too many working mothers end up doing a full-time job and the lions share of everything else.

Are people influenced by their parents when it comes to SAH / WOH choices?

My mum (a trained nurse) stayed at home with me and my sister until we were both late primary - we were v poor but she was a bit of a snob about 'latchkey kids' and although she did some p/t work and volunteering, always was around after school (although not a helicopter parent at all). I feel it was brilliant for us. We did go to nursery and playground etc but it was for our social development, not to give her a break (although I bet she liked it!)

She's now a matron and works f/t and loves it, but wouldn't change her choices then even though it meant us missing out on foreign hols etc.

I guess I am very influenced by the memories of spending time sewing, cleaning, baking, playing, learning to read, gardening etc. I want that for my kids it was pretty idyllic. My DH wants mr to SAH too but also worries that we won't be able to provide everything for our kids - I would happily forgo foreign holidays and fancy toys to be there for my kids.

Being a role model in terms of loving and caring for kids is IMO more important than having a job. More so - I always knew mum could have been working and chose to be with us,

karma - I agree that might be what is upsetting for the OP.

Just to add, that you maybe felt awkward in justifying it because it is something that society doesn't value. Unless what you do brings in a wage society thinks it doesn't count.

Why whenever a thread coms up about SAHM/WOHM it gets ugly and woman turns on woman. I always thought that women fought for equality to choose!?

But Bolter, that is exactly what you are implying. That the only valid and worthwhile choice, the only one that gives your children the right impression, is to go out to work and that being a SAHM is somehow worthless.

OP your DH was tactless to bring this up in front of ILs but I am that you have not talked to him about this since your DCs all started school.

I work pt and I am already discussing with DH what will happen when my youngest starts school. Pondering on increasing hours to take pressure off DH and to allow a better standard of living. I am very lucky that I will have possibility of working school hours, but it is still a bind having to wort out school holidays, sickness days etc etc. But hey, that's life!

Lets be honest, being a SAHM when your kids are in school is a walk in the park! I pick up DD from school everyday (don't leave her in afterschool club as some previous poster emotively commented). Whilst in the playground I hear the SAHMs talking about how they had such a fab time shopping together that morning, and does anyone fancy going for a run tomorrow morning, and how they are having friends round for lunch later in the week!

Now I like my job, but despite that I can't help feeling a bit when I hear about all the leisure time these parents have. I'm sure there are a hell of a lot of people in the world who would rather not work, and have more free time for hobbies etc. Who wouldn't!?! But most of us suck it up and contribute to the family finances. In this uncertain economy, relying on one income when you don't need to, seem foolish.

Hi I'm back
Very interesting read and thanks for all your comments. Karma and Geraldine....yours stand out as ones I can totally relate to but there are also many others, thank you all :)

Well, dh and I had a very open talk today. He was extremely sorry for embarrassing me in front of ILs and has promised never to do that again. Men can be quite dense sometimes can't they

There is no resentment ...he just thinks that now the kids are at school I could go back to my previous career or any other career I may want...he claims he mentioned law because it's something he reckons I'd be good at....shocking as I'd never see myself a one but it goes to show that even when you live with someone for 15 years they can still surprise you with their thoughts
I do still feel though that although he claims to fully appreciate all the work I do at home, there's a part of him that thinks my life is a bit easy. And yes, it's definitely easier than when I had 3 dcs under 5 at home. But I'm not sitting on my bum all day, a point I explained with lots of examples and anyway, he seems to understand. He never meant it as a super serious comment and it's not something he's been thinking about a lot so I guess I'll have to take his word.

The main thing is we've cleared the air and I think he's realised that at this point in our lives, me going back to work will only complicate matters ....for the whole family and for him too.

Just thought I'd let all of you know the happy outcome

If your kids are in school all day, and you don't seek out any pt work during school hours, then are you actually just someone who Stays At Home rather than a Stay At Home Mum??

I'm a mum in the morning, a mum in the afternoon and a woman who cleans, cooks, shops and does lots of other interseting things too during the day
Are you happy with that redhot?

are you ever planning to go back to work?
it is good you both talked,did you come to any concrete decisions
are you still set on another 5ys sahm?

RHP - so if you go to work are you a Work Outside The Home Mum or are you just a Goes To Work?

And as you can see - 'that's life' isn't the case for everyone - some families CHOOSE to have a parent not in PAID work because it works better for them.

Why can't people respect other peoples choices and not be bitter?

But I am a mum in the morning, a mum in the afternoon, a woman who cleans, cooks and shops, and I also go to work for 5 hours! And tbh I don't have to be superwoman to do so. I still have plenty of time to ensure DCs can do activities, and to keep the house nice-ish, and ensure everyone is fed. And have time to MN!

You are a SAHM and I am a WOHP, and yet we are both there for our school age children for exactly the same amount of time.
The only difference is you fill your spare hours with leisure and I fill mine with work. Each to their own, but I don't know how these spare 5 lesiure hours can be seen as hard work!

Not sure if it'll be 5 years but certainly not now. But who knows, I might feel different this time next year.

I guess I was hurt at not being appreciated and i'm glad we talked.

ChippingIn - y es I am a bit bitter on the odd occasion (would like the odd hour sipping coffee with friends in the middle of the day ) but generally I am very happy with my lot.

However, what gets me, is when SAHMs with school age children start going on about how their hard work isn't appreciated by their WOH partner. I mean come on!

Red, I had a period of time when my youngest son started school, but before my DD was born where I was a SAHM to school age children. Although I had that time free during the day, I still had a husband who needed to leave for work early in the morning and was away on work trips. I still had to get the kids to school on time, make sure they were picked up, taken to swimming classes etc. If I'd been at work I would have struggled. Just because the children were at school for those hours in the day, it didn't mean that all the other stuff disappeared. My days were quite leisurely in that I could set my own pace, but i still had housework and shopping to do. It just meant that I could do it before the DC came home. I had time for the gym and coffee with friends but it's not a bad thing to have some time for nice activities.

I did become a child minder for a time, as few jobs allow you to just work during school hours and pay enough to cover child care in school holidays. I have to say that it was an awful lot of work and responsibility for a small amount of money and I feel my family as a whole was happier when I wasn't looking after someone else's children. I wouldn't choose to do it again.

Now I'm in the position of having my youngest due to begin preschool in September. I want to be able to take her to school, pick her up, attend her school events and not worry about childcare on teacher training days etc. I'll be able to do all the things I want to do during the day (first on the list is decorating this house and sorting out the jungle garden)and be able to give my children all the attention they need when they come home. I don't think this is a bad way to live or that it's wrong to enjoy some leisure time during the day. It's no different to a WOHP having a hobby at weekends.

Long post there - sorry.

barbie I'm glad you and DH have talked and I hope he does appreciate that what you do has worked for him as well as for yourself.

thanks Karma
you and I are on the same wavelength ;)

Karma - but would you really have struggled to work or do you just think you would?

I drop my kids off at school, pick them up from school, take them to dancing/swimming/library. I manage holidays and teacher training days by good planning. Sometimes I have to do cleaning and cooking rather than giving my DCs 100% attention, but my DM was a SAHM and I don't remember her sitting with us for ours having 'quality time.' How long does shopping and cleaning actually take - 10 hours a week if that?

I guess with me its a mix of work ethic and thinking it is unfair for my DH to have all the financial pressure whilst I relax.

I think I would have struggled. I worked when my first child was born and remember spending many evenings marking and planning once he was asleep. My mum looked after him and I was very lucky, but I remember too, feeling sad that she was taking him to the park and play group and having all the experiences that I wanted to have as a first time mum. Maybe it's always that way, whatever you do has it's good points and its bad.

Now I have 4 children, so obviously I have a lot more to do at home than I had before. I wouldn't be able to get them to school on time and get to work myself, unless I used breakfast and after school clubs. The nature of my husbands work means that a lot of the time I am on my own with the DC, so adding a job into the mix just complicates things.

I was also a teacher but have been a SAHM for the past 8 yrs. My youngest starts school in Sept so I have been applying for part time teaching jobs. The first job I applied for had 60 applicants, I can't possibly compete having been out of the classroom for 8 yrs. I tried to get on a Return to Teaching course to update my skills but the funding has been cut unless at least half the course intake are secondary shortage subject teachers.

Going back to work isn't that easy.

Barbie, i'm glad you and your dh have cleared the air. However, i hope that your dh is being honest with you and that he is happy for you to remain at home.
I believe that your dh REALLY thinks that you should be doing something else
with your life. There is nothing wrong with taking a sabbatical, BUT, 10 years is far too long imo( i repeat imo).

It's kind of silly to call yourself a sahm when your kids aren't actually in the house the majority of the time. Sorry, but it really is.

Oh right - so being a stay at home mum bringing up your own children is now a sabatical - 'a break from work' riiiiight.

Forehead - it's lovely that you know the Op's DH so well, in fact better than his wife - you should have said earlier!

Why the hell is it stupid to call yourself a SAHM when your kids are at school??? You are staying at home and you are a mum.... seems like a pretty good definition to me. If you feel that way, what gives you the right to call yourself a WOHM - if a SAHM isn't a mum when the kids are at school, a WOHM certainly isn't a mum when she's at work??

Some of you seriously need to remove the chip off of your shoulder.