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AIBU?

DH told me infront of ILs to use my brain

250 replies

barbie007 · 29/05/2011 20:56

DH told me in front of ILs that I should do something with my brain.....why not a year of postgraduate law conversion? Or get into finance and earn lots of money? I used to be a schoolteacher so why does he think I want to be a lawyer or a banker now?

I've been a SAHM for 10 years and I love it. I use my brain all the time and it p**s me off that he thinks I don't. We don't need an extra wage btw. I've not spoken to him for the last few hours and when he asked if I could help with dinner tonight (we were only having cheese toasties!) I told him to use his brain and work it out.

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barbie007 · 29/05/2011 21:29

We have 3 kids aged 5, 7 and 11. He works long days and no family nearby so it's down to me to run the family really. We're not loaded by any means but we're absolutely fine with his wage...by that I mean we can afford a couple of holidays abroad each year, eat out, have a nice house and no financial worries. He loves his job btw

Yes, we could have more but at what cost? If I worked I'd need a childminder/nanny to take and collect from school. And what about their after school activities?

I'm perfectly happy with what I do...I'm a keen photographer, I read loads and belong to a book club, I help out at the school and at an old people's home. That and my family keep me stimulated and busy. But it hurts that he seems to think I don't do much. I don't need a job to make me who I am. I fully understand those of you out there who do but personally I don't.

If I worked, his life would be harder....he'd actually have to do stuff at home! I don't think he realises how hard I work and maybe it's time he did. Not sure why he had to say that infront of ILs though. Maybe he knew I'd be so mad if we'd been alone but infront of them I had to keep calm...

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ENormaSnob · 29/05/2011 21:33

Evidently something is lacking or your dh wouldn't have brought it up.

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scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 21:35

do you ever plan to return to work,or is this it.potter about at home and dh sole earner?he is obviously got something on his mind,hence the clumsy comment.but if you work you can pay someone to do stuff rather than say hey you do it to him.thats how most working couples do it.you plan,and stuff you dont like eg ironing etc someone else does

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TheSecondComing · 29/05/2011 21:35

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ohmyfucksy · 29/05/2011 21:37

The only way to get him to respect what to do is to get him to do more of it. If you stay at home, he's got no incentive to do so. He will just carry on letting you do it and believing that it's a piece of piss.

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barbie007 · 29/05/2011 21:38

ohmy....I think you might be right.
But do I get a job just so he realises it?

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scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 21:41

yes and maybe op would respect his input if she were to go to work
they could swop places as suggested she go out do some work
he spend time on mn and at home,given kids are all school age he'll have lots of time to do his thing between 830-3.00

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said · 29/05/2011 21:41

Maybe he thinks this bit, "I'm a keen photographer, I read loads and belong to a book club, I help out at the school and at an old people's home." all sounds like hobbies and nice things to do that he deosn't have the time to do. Is he a little resentful?

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scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 21:44

being sole wage earner means he cannot pursue hobbies or drop hours.but if op were to work maybe he'd be able to pursue his interstate too.at mo he is locked into that wage earner role because wife wont work

op are you ever going to go back to work,or is this it

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/05/2011 21:45

I have been the sole breadwinner for a few years now as DH is a SAHD. We are well off as I have a good job. Sometimes it really gets to me, I feel really trapped. There are days where I would love the option of doing a less pressured job and work shorter hours and maybe when DH is in a position to go back to earning maybe I will. Have you chatted with your DH about how he feels maybe from his perspective it feels you have the choice whether or not you work but he has no choice at all. This is not to devalue the work you do for the family or suggest you are making a lesser contribution but simply that your DH may feel a bit stuck in his role.

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ENormaSnob · 29/05/2011 21:46

Am not surprised if he is resentful.

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ohmyfucksy · 29/05/2011 21:48

I do agree with said that your life sounds pretty idyllic when you describe the things you do. I can understand him resenting that he has to work full time to fund it. I understand that if you do all the childcare that means you do more, but lots of people have children the same ages, and work, and look after them in the evenings. You do have it pretty easy.

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ohmyfucksy · 29/05/2011 21:49

I mean, 'that means you do more than just those hobbies' not 'you do more than him', because you don't

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scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 21:50

all your kids are school age.you dont work 10+yrs.no wonder hes got the hump

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Rangirl · 29/05/2011 21:52

He can hardly have made his position clearer.Talk to him,listen and prepare to start working.No excuse if kids all at school.Book group etc great biut no substitute for proper work

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DivaEva1 · 29/05/2011 21:55

What did the ILs do or say when he said you should use your brain?

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forehead · 29/05/2011 21:57

I think that ten years is too long to be a stay at home mum. I am not sure what your dh really meant, but he is obviously not happy with you being at home.
Get a job and let him pay for childcare and a cleaner

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barbie007 · 29/05/2011 21:57

I hadn't thought about that....maybe he is resentful He does have his hobbies though, sports, and I never get in the way of him doing what he enjoys.
It probably all goes back 10 years....I carried on working when DS1 was born and we had a nanny and cleaner to help out which worked well. But then he decided he wanted to retrain...ie go back to uni full time...something i wasn't happy about. But in the end he did. We had to move to another city, sold our house, left family and friends. I left my job too and told him i would not look for another job because I wanted to be a SAHM and that was the condition i agreed to this big life change.

Well, things worked out and I don't want to go back to work at the moment. Not until my youngest is at least 10. I'm certain if we hadn't moved I wouldn't have given up my job as I loved it and he knows that. Very complicated!

Well, it all worked out, b

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DivaEva1 · 29/05/2011 21:58

What did the ILs do or say when he said you should use your brain?

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MadamDeathstare · 29/05/2011 21:59

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ohmyfucksy · 29/05/2011 22:00

Why do you want to stay off work until your youngest is 10? That's another 5 years. Ages. You don't give any other reason other than you don't want to. It's not only up to you, you're being supported by your husband.

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scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 22:00

you need another 5yrs.so 15yr+sahm.
no fuckin wonder your dh has hump,have you told him this?
only another 5yrs darling...

pull the finger out,stop fannying about suiting yourself.discuss with your husband how you can both support family

15years as sahm whilst kids at school thats a total pisstake

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MadamDeathstare · 29/05/2011 22:02

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barbie007 · 29/05/2011 22:04

No he would not stay home if kids were ill and I could not rely on him for any childcare because he simply can't take time off lust like that. He would if he could but it's not possible. I know I would be working and dealing with sick children etc all by myself.

The IL were too embarrassed to say much....MIL actually pointed out that kids are too young to be independant and that he wouldn't be able to help out with school runs etc
He quickly got up to make the toasties....which weren't that good btw!

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MadamDeathstare · 29/05/2011 22:05

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