DH told me infront of ILs to use my brain

[barbie007]

DH told me in front of ILs that I should do something with my brain.....why not a year of postgraduate law conversion? Or get into finance and earn lots of money? I used to be a schoolteacher so why does he think I want to be a lawyer or a banker now?

I've been a SAHM for 10 years and I love it. I use my brain all the time and it p**s me off that he thinks I don't. We don't need an extra wage btw. I've not spoken to him for the last few hours and when he asked if I could help with dinner tonight (we were only having cheese toasties!) I told him to use his brain and work it out.

My dh is a SAHD, and he is very happy with his lifestyle (he has school aged children). I love the fact I have to do no housework etc, but I do worry that he has no plans for the future (except some slightly crazy interesting thoughts about what we might do when the children leave home) I would like our income to be higher (he has earned as much as I in the past) and do find being sole breadwinner stressful. To be totally honest I don't think that dh is currently using his brain very much, and I suspect he would agree with me if I said so - he also has hobbies and does voluntary work too, but none of it is very intellectually demanding and he is a very clever bloke and could be doing a great deal more.

I don't think it is unreasonable for the OP's dh to want to start the conversation about 'what next' especially given how precarious a lot of people feel in work right now. I'm not totally sure why it was a problem to comment in front of your ILs (my mother loves to comment on dh not working) but that depends on the relationship you have with them really.

I can see why the OP feels resentful at the comment, given the previous move for her dh's chance to reinvent himself, but that was ten years ago, and few people stay at home for that long. I think she should take the opportunity to think what she would really like to be doing in five years time and start to make plans about how to get there. Being out of the workforce for so long for many people means starting from scratch, so five years may not be very long.

Sounds to me like OP wants to get her own back for DH making them move which is a bit silly as it was years ago! (he made us move and I left my job...) Dont think its sensible for anyone to be out of work for so long especially in this current economic climate it may well end up OP needing to be the one who retrains!

And what would be wrong with a childminder dropping the kids to school/picking them up? Its not like they will be damaged by spending a few hours a day in wraparound care!

I understand how you feel. Your family situation has been working for you all these years, and it's great that you have used your free time constructively to do voluntary work eg. in the old people's home and school.

Do you feel resentful that you had to move and give up your career, and that he now has to pay for this?

What plans do you have for the future career wise? He's not asking for you to go out now and get a job, but he has a point that maybe you can take this opportunely now to improve your qualifications with the intention of going back to work when the children are older and more independent.

I assume that even if you want to get back into teaching you would have to retrain.

I think this is the natural reaction to the youngest reaching school age by your DH.

If you have no ambition to do a high flying job then he is being unrealistic but he is frustrated and I don't blame him to be honest.

As a mostly Sahm, I can understand op. My dh has occasionally made 'jokey' commments about me going back to work. However he has a full- on hobby that I let him pursue as much as he likes. If I worked ft too, then that would have to stop. I also don't like the idea of breakfast/afterschool club, with the giving up of afterschool activities, that would happen if I worked FT.

Did your dh really mean what he said or was it a lighthearted throwaway comment?

Not read past the first page yet, but seems to me that he's benefitted from having 10 years of you being a SAHM (and the WOHP does benefit by having a lot more flexibility to further their own career and not be hampered by child care arrangements) and yet he appears to not value your contribution.

I'd be inclined to point out precisely how he has benefitted over the years and then I would tell him that if he is ever so fucking rude and disrespectful again he'll come home from work to find his stuff in bin bags in the garden.

Perhaps he should 'use his brain' to learn some manners.

He was wrong to say it in front of IL's, but I think it's fair enough to raise the idea of you returning to work. If both parties are content for one to work and one to be at home and this stacks up financially, then fair enough. Good luck to them and no-one else's place to criticise.

However, unless both parties agree, I think it's not very fair for one to have to work and support the entire family. Especially in this financial climate, it's a huge responsibility to be the sole breadwinner.

Since you were a teacher previously, you have a head start over most families where school holiday child cover is a major headache

I just can't believe you mentioned the book club! How often does it meet - once a month? And you read a book for it?

I think that if your family can manage financially, then probably the reason your husband would like you to work is because he wants to have more interesting conversations with you. It's pretty obvious that if you are on your own for much of the day that you won't have much to talk about when he gets home.

Why don't you look for part-time work or look into retraining for something? It would stimulate your brain and get you out of the house.

I wish my husband would suggest supporting me financially whilst I went back to school and learnt something new, increased my skills, its something alot of people would love the chance to do. To have a conversation like that in front of close family is hardly a problem surely?

I think perhaps the whole thing is a bit precious.

What some of you are missing here is that the OP staying home was agreed by the two of them and the husband has done quite well out of this, in having the freedom to move for work and further his career, safe in the knowledge that his children are being looked after by their mum and he doesn't have to leave meetings early etc to get to the child minders.

The OP in doing this (even if it was what she wanted to do) has missed out on career progression, pension, earnings and so on.

Now because he decides the time is right, she is expected to start her career from the bottom again. God forbid she shouldn't be interesting when he gets home from work. What this translates as is, she's served her purpose as carer for the kids (at personal cost to her career) and now it's time for her to serve her purpose and bring money in.

When a couple decide for one of them to stay home it is a huge commitment with very long reaching consequences. The SAHP is not an inanimate object to be manoeuvred to suit the will of the wage earner. Both parties need to understand the effects of this decision can last forever (it may not, but you have to be prepared for not being able to get back into the workplace).

Fwiw, I am a SAHM and have been for over a decade. I still find things to talk about. To me, this is less about you returning to work (which you may well want to do) and more about your husband showing a complete lack of respect for you as his equal partner.

Agree with karma, it suited him then to have you forego your career - it was agreed between you.

FWIW I'm in a very similar situation although my 4th DC is only 3, my dh seems to be being a little more diplomatic though...

Karmabeleiver - yes you are probably right. There are many patronising comment on this thread including 'get yourself out of the house' and very little acknowledge of the OP's contribution to her family (giving up her career for her husband and her children) and contribution to society (helping at the school and an old people's home).

That said, I think the OP should start concentrating on herself - thinking of her own future, her own goals and how she can have a career again.

Can you tell I've had this conversation once or twice before on MN ?

Agree he was wrong to bring up subject in front of IL's.

It's great you have been 100% supportive to your kids and hubby, running the family home and enjoying playing that role. I'm quite aware that your youngest is only 5 and will still need you a lot. Maybe you could look at doing some kind of course/job when he is about 7.

Why does he want you to work? Have people been asking him what you are doing now the kids are at school?

Are you wanting a change? Would it be worth looking at portrait photography?Are you wanting to go back to what you did before?

I agree DH has benefitted hugely by having you as a SAHM. I think you will need to sit down and discuss how the childcare/house work will need to be split once you start back working/studying. Discuss childcare provision and also paying cleaners.

I don't really get why anyone would sacrifice their career and be completely financially dependent on someone.

What if you split-up?

Children will be independent and off before you know it.

so does raising a family mean never working again?ever?never having any other remit than domestic. after 10yr sahm and potentially another 5yr (if op decides) then thats a considerable lengthy time.and imo well worthy of a comment.it is burdensome to have one partner as wage earner for ever more. effectively doesnt allow him any manoeuvre to drop hours or leeway for something else. she has 3 kids, and if she lives in england likely they will need fees paid etc if they go to uni.will she leave that responsibility to her husband too. she has hobbies and things to fill her day. her husband is seriously hinting start contributing financially,pull your weight

if she never returns to work her kids will have mum whom they have never seen in employment.at all.thats quite staggering in 2011

all this oh my her kids will wither and wane in after school etc?says who!given she not exactly leaping about to be employed perhaps she wont work ft and require after school etc.

she could take the recent experience of working in the elderly home and try get a similar job,same hours.given that it already fits nicely into her schedule and doesnt disrupt her kids and she collects from school.

dont know her age obviously,but given life expectancy 80+ shes still got time to squeeze in some working

if this is some unconscious or conscious payback for fact that they moved and she packed in work to further his career,well that was 10yr ago.too long to dwell.

I'm really confused by the "working makes you more interesting to talk to" angle. The only people that regularly have good work related stories IMO are teachers and police.

And believe me, lawyers and bankers are the WORST (and I say that as one).

The most interesting people I know are people who spend a lot of time pursuing outside interests.

You are right TheBride. Listening to other people talk about their work can be really dull, unless you know all the same people/work in the same field.

scottishmummy, I think that when one partner gives up work to look after the DC, the other partner should acknowledge that in doing so, it makes life a lot easier for them. I don't think that a SAHM who is returning to work should be forced into mundane low paid work because that is what is usually available to fit in around school. Otherwise the SAHP is continuing to make the sacrifices while the WOHP continues to reap all the rewards.
If the WOHP wants to reduce working hours/ have less stress of being sole wage earner, then it is fair enough to have that discussion, but not in front of ILs and only if they are prepared to take on their full share of childcare/housework/shopping etc.

Seems to me that a lot of husbands want to have their cake and eat it too.

Agree with Karma. Very well put.

scottishmummy - having paid work is not the one and only way of being a valuable member of society. It is not the only way of being a good example to your children.

To say that in front of the Inlaws was clumsy and hurtful. I can understand why the OP is upset.

As far as she knew, her dh and she were both happy with the current situation, she does an excellent job of running the home and looking after the children, he does the paid work. The fact that she does all the child care, housework, cooking, organising the home means that he doesn't have to think about it.

She feels that she enjoys this role, and thought that she was valued (and lets not kid ourselves, actually keeping a house nice, organising all the household stuff, and doing a good job of looking after the children/homework/activities IS work, allbeit unpaid). His comments have made her feel undervalued and hurt. Fair enough.

It really saddens me when sahm's get rounded on in the way that the OP has in this thread. She IS doing a good job of looking after her family and home and husband. It's not for everyone, but she values and enjoys this role. She says they have a comfortable lifestyle, and that her dh loves his job...it does not sound as though her dh has grounds to resent her for not working at all.

Some of the posts here are just weird and overly hostile. It seems to be fully acceptable for women to make others feel bad because they have chosen to stay at home and parent their own children, because it is seen as "lazy" and "selfish". What rubbish. It is certainly not possible to do this well by sitting on your backside all day. She's even been mocked because she does photography and attends a book club. Why?! Are sahm's not allowed to have outside interests?! She cant win, if she solely just does house and kids stuff, she's not using her brain, is some sort of 1950's stepford wife, if she does have outside interests, she is a selfish layabout who should get to work immediately.

I suspect that the DH made a throw away comment and hasn't realised how hurt the OP is. I also suspect that the OP probably does EVERYTHING in the house and for the children and dh, and that if she were to work, and these chores had to be shared, the dh would get a shock.

Also re. the comments about the children going to childcare, maybe the op doesnt want them to send them to "wrap around care." And that's ok.

I don't know. I work from home. I do the majority of the house and childcare stuff too, and sometimes I do it all badly. Because it's a lot to do. I DO think that being a sahm, if you do all of the house stuff and stuff for dh and the kids is more than a full time job, and just because it is not paid does not mean it is not a valid choice for those that want to do that.

Well put geraldine

3 kids to support she should be working to support them them.they will go to uni,want to,travel etc.all costs.and more importantly for herself.

she in a really precarious position,wholly dependent upon a husbamd. no recent employment and kids will grow up and her need to do for them decrease.

But Scottishmummy. You are applying your own perspective to her position, when really you know nothing about her at all. How do you kknow that they haven't made provision for Uni? Travelling (if my kids go "travelling" they will work and pay for it themselves, by the way)? You don't.

How do you know that she won't work when her kids are older and their need for her decreases? You don't.

You know nothing about her. She probably will work when the kids are older. She might not. What does it matter? She's talking about NOW not when the kids go to uni (if they do). The kids are supported at the moment, they are not on the bread line. She hasn't come on and said they are struggling, quite the opposite. They have 2 holidays a year for god's sake!!