Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told me infront of ILs to use my brain

250 replies

barbie007 · 29/05/2011 20:56

DH told me in front of ILs that I should do something with my brain.....why not a year of postgraduate law conversion? Or get into finance and earn lots of money? I used to be a schoolteacher so why does he think I want to be a lawyer or a banker now?

I've been a SAHM for 10 years and I love it. I use my brain all the time and it p**s me off that he thinks I don't. We don't need an extra wage btw. I've not spoken to him for the last few hours and when he asked if I could help with dinner tonight (we were only having cheese toasties!) I told him to use his brain and work it out.

OP posts:
said · 29/05/2011 22:06

But woudl you consider going back to teaching? At least school holidays would be covered?

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 22:06

so you want 15+yrs sahm.no questions no comments from dh,and you get irked when he does pipe up
why are you so avoidant of work.

forehead · 29/05/2011 22:08

MadamDeathstare, if both parties are happy with the arrangement, then that's fine. However, in OP's case her dh is NOT happy with her being at home.

ENormaSnob · 29/05/2011 22:08

You are coming across as selfish and self absorbed.

You want to be a sahm til your youngest is 10, fuck what your husband thinks?

It isn't just your decision, you have had plenty of time at home.

Original poster
barbie007 · 29/05/2011 22:10

Let's not get unreasonable here...I'm supporting my family as much as he is supporting us. I'm not contributing financially but I have made it possible for him to have this second career he was so desperate to have and we have a great family life. Our kids do som much stuff and it's all down to me.

He also doesn't have to worry about food, whether the kids have missed school, homework...as Madame puts it, I don't want to have a job and do all these things too, I'm not superwoman and I don't want to be.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 22:11

hes obviously not happy hence comment
you have no intention of working and want 15+yr as sahm,without discussion

ohmyfucksy · 29/05/2011 22:11

Don't see how having a job and kids makes you superwoman tbh - most women do it

TheSecondComing · 29/05/2011 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 22:14

but you dont have a job op.you have 3 kids in school.not worked in 10yr and no intention of paid worked again it seems

you're not rushed off your feet on minimum wage
you're certainly not any superwoman
you're ignoring the signs he is sending you

TheSecondComing · 29/05/2011 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarthaLovesMatthew · 29/05/2011 22:18

OP,

If you really feel you are of best use to your family at home, would it be possible to negotiate with your DH terms under which he would be happy for you to remain at home?

For example, is there anything your DH currently does at home that you could do, or ways in which you could make his life run more smoothly?

I'm grasping at straws a little bit I'll admit, but then you seem so determined to be at home that getting a job is likely to lead to resentment and trouble by the sounds of it.

So is there any way at all that a compromise can be reached?

50 years ago, little would be thought of a financially solvent man who supported a wife at home, but today there are many who consider it unfair.

forehead · 29/05/2011 22:18

OP, you seriously need to sit and talk with your dh. I think you are coming across as very selfish and dare i see it LAZY, if your kids are at school why don't you work. ?

Original poster
barbie007 · 29/05/2011 22:18

Why does everything have to end badly here?

Some of you are pointing things out which I hadn't really thought about and I'm grateful for that. Some are being very supportive and realistic but some of you have resorted to being bitchy....why? Is what I'm saying so wrong? I have nothing against mums that work but it seems that some of you that work have a real grudge against those that don't . I see it time and time again.....tbh i was surprised at how long it took for this thread to turn nasty.

Well, thank you to those of you who have tried to help out, I appreciate it and actually feel better than when I first posted.

DH and I will have a good talk tomorrow about things and see where that leads us.

Sweet dreams to all ;)

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 29/05/2011 22:18

I understand where you're coming from - am also a SAHM but youngest is only 1.

However I know that DH would expect me to do something work-wise when all children are at school - not sure what yet though.

He was silly to bring it up in front of in-laws but you do need to discuss what prompted the comment with him.

I mean am sure you do a lot for your family but you do have school-hours free - which lets face it is pretty nice.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/05/2011 22:20

You have told us what you want and don't want. Have you asked your DH what he wants? Have you both sat down and rationally gone through the pros and cons of each option? It may turn out that your joint family decision is that you remain a SAHM until your youngest is 10 but at least then its a joint decision not just your choice.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/05/2011 22:21

x post Good luck with your chat it sounds like a conversation you both need to have.

forehead · 29/05/2011 22:24

For the life of me, i cannot understand why people post on aibu, but get pissed off when they are told something that they don't want to hear.

Gastonladybird · 29/05/2011 22:26

Clumsily timed but it clearly irks your dh. You need to talk about what he meant as this kind of thing can fester. I can think of at least one couple whose
Marriage ended over this kind of thing- you did ask about it ending badly . Your kids are not babes in arms (ok they are still in need of care) but it's not impossible to envisage working and spending time with them.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 22:27

indeed,why ask opinion and then get irked when you dont like it
15+yrs sahm no intention of working,whilst your dh makes less than subtle comments. you need to read the signs.hes not a happy bunny

Original poster
barbie007 · 29/05/2011 22:28

I wasn't going to post any more...but forehead your last post made me laugh! You're sooooo right
Chaz....thanks, you're right too

OP posts:
Gastonladybird · 29/05/2011 22:31

Good luck with chat- hope you clear the air

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 22:32

start looking for a job

Fernie3 · 29/05/2011 22:34

You need to sit down and ask him straight what he meant by the comment. I have been a sahm for 6 years (have 4 children between 10 months and 6 years). Dh and I run a business together but in reality he does 90% +of the worl simply because I am with the children all of the time. Neither of us wants the younger ones in childcare. There are times when I am sure that he does feel like he works harder and that he feels pressure to earn to support us BUT he also gets upset when he hears people criticising me for being a sahm! . We have had the plan of him running his business, me sahm and a mass of children since we first got together - you need to make sure that your dh is on the same path as you and if he is forget the comment if not then you need to figure out what you can do.

Next part of our plan is coming along nicely - our veg is rapidly outgrowing our garden hoping for an allotment soon!

Fizzylemonade · 29/05/2011 22:36

TheSecondComing, no the OP didn't stop him returning to uni and retraining, he did that and they ended up moving house and relocating to facilitate it. She gave up her job, friends and family at that point.

barbie007 I also relocated due to DH's job and gave up my job, and friends, and at that point I became a SAHM.

I think your DH was wrong to bring up the topic in front of the ILs but clearly you need to have a talk about it.

Inertia · 29/05/2011 22:39

Barbie, I'm in a similar position to you. The difference is that my DH appreciates that he would find it an awful lot harder to do his job if I was working. At the moment he knows and appreciates that he can concentrate solely on his job, and I deal with everything involved with childcare and the house. If I were to go back to teaching, he'd essentially be spending the whole weekend looking after the children while I did school work and cleaned the house (no chance of doing it in the week, with dealing with family stuff and then schoolwork every evening , especially if he worked away). He'd prefer that we get some time as a family, as would I. Once DD2 starts school, I'll look for a job that fits school hours.

I think you perhaps need to take seriously his idea of you going back to work. Sit down and discuss exactly how he would rearrange his work schedule to take on school runs, after school activities, household jobs, caring for children in the holidays or when they are ill. Look at how much extra income you'd have once child care, travel costs etc are allowed for. It's all very well for people to say that you should be sharing the burden of working out of the house- that's fine, as long as all the other responsibilities are also shared equally. But in your case, it sounds as though that's not possible with your husband's job.

BTW we discussed me working and DH being SAHD; as he can earn 3 times what I could it wasn't sensible.