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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being blackmailed by in laws.

273 replies

Daisytrotter · 28/05/2011 13:17

Sorry, more of a wwyd but am sitting here in pieces, really need advice.

Apologies if I don't reply straight away but have to pick up my friend from the airport.

My mil was diagnosed with dementia two weeks ago. This is after a year of some behaviour which could be considered odd. Interestingly, it was me who suggested that she visit her gp after I found that she had taken the fluffy inserts out of my croc shoes and was wearing them as slippers Hmm Also, she has been having some significant memory problems, but all in all she functions quite well.

Since ds was born 14 months ago, mil has come to stay with us for a week every month. Fil comes down twice a year or we go to stay with them (they live in Swansea. It's not an arrangement that I was ever happy with but ds is her first grandchild and I wanted her to have a strong relationship with him. however, her visits have become increasingly hard work for me as she turns the fridge off at the mains, leaves the back door open as well as other things which a not dangerous per se but annoying. Also dh is at work all day so I am at home with her.

When she comes down she really badgers us to go out so she can babysit. On the three occasions she has babysat, we have come back to find ds absolutely hysterical. I put it down to the fact that he doesn't really know her but now I think she may be leaving him for long periods to cry.

Anyway, since the diagnosis came to light, I spoke to dh and said that I am no longer happy for her to come for a week every month and I don't want her to babysit. I suggested that her and fil come every two months. I just have a feeling that she was using the time with us for a break for herself and i feel as her disease progresses, fil will be using the break as respite care. Dh thought this was a good idea and put it to them when he called them.

They went ballistic. Mil insisted on keeping to the arrangement of monthly visits and babysitting and fil said we were compromising her dignity. I understand that they are struggling with the diagnosis but I also have to think of ds and my own life.

Then fil dropped a bombshell. They had lent us money to buy our house and he said that if mil was not good enough to babysit then their money wasn't good enough for us either. He has demanded it back which essentially means we have to sell the house and rent as we would not be able to buy another property. He has also threatened us with legal action if we do not pay the money back in full by the end of June.

I don't know what to do. They are extremely well off and don't need the money so this is tantamount to blackmail. I have no issue with them visiting I just don't want mil every month and I certainly don't want her to babysit.

Help?

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 29/05/2011 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/05/2011 14:09

I don't think your FIL knows just how much help he has had from you to date. Could he possibly think that it is usual for MILs to decamp to son&DIL's house for a week every month?

I know you were trying to encourage a strong bond between your son and his grandmother, but it's still a pretty unusual arrangement you come to. I love my MIL to death, but I could not countenance such an arrangement. I could suffer it even less with my own mother FGS!

His insistence - I asked way back on my first post what he did with this week on his own, OP. Could you press him further on that? It might prove productive in getting him to back off.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2011 15:14

'He might, just MIGHT, be acting out of despair at seeing his wife, the mother of his children, treated this way, by own flesh and blood.'

True, but they did not ill-treat her, IMO. They suggested a modification to the visits which will allow her son to care for her because it is not safe or possible for one adult to care for a person with dementia AND a toddler.

How 'despairing' is his attitude now, he wants the visits to be even longer.

N-O, OP. It's not safely possible for you to be in sole charge of this lady with such a young child around.

Your husband, his brother and their father need to discuss alternatives.

perfectstorm · 29/05/2011 15:50

Can I just point out that she is NOT being treated this way by her own flesh and blood? The OP is no relation. She is married to this couple's son, and she is offering a great deal of free respite care in the teeth of a staggering degree of ingratitude. Frankly I don't see how even the care offered can be safe, with a young child in central London and a demented woman. People have already pointed out that drugs could end up in the cereal (or just open and lying about) hobs left on, doors left open, stairgates forgotten about, knives in reach, boiling drinks in reach... what he is demanding is dangerous. And she is saying as much, that's all.

FIL needs to consider ways of caring for his wife that are safe for her, will not exacerbate her condition, and make his life endurable. Offloading her with zero concern for anyone but himself is not the answer. He's taking the piss, frankly.

FetchezLaVache · 29/05/2011 16:29

I'm glad he's stopped his nonsense about the loan. It shows he was just lashing out, but if he can come to his senses over that, he can over the rest of it, too.

Little sign of it so far, though- you tell him MIL's visits are getting too much, so he demands you take her for longer! Hmm But if he accepts that she's not well enough to cross London alone, it's not a massive stretch for him to realise you can't possibly look after her and an increasingly mobile toddler on your own for very much longer. Have they at the very least agreed that she can't be left in sole charge of your DS any more?

I agree that there needs to be a family discussion about care for your MIL (and respite for your FIL) going forward, rather than everybody blithely assuming that you can just keep having her for a week at a time. Does your FIL recognise that eventually, coming to your house will be disorientating for your MIL and therefore will have to stop, for instance?

orangehead · 29/05/2011 16:41

fuzzywuzzy I experienced the same. My mother thought she was doing the best taking in my Nana, she thought it was are duty to care for her, although she stupidly left her to babysit me. Which resulted in her attacking me several times dspite my nana being the most lovely gentle person before she was ill.

Op you really need to stress you are not abandoning your mil your still love her and want to continue support them both, but you feel you are unable to look after her and your ds alone and that you do not think this is practical so therefore although the support is not going, just going to have to change.

Miggsie · 29/05/2011 16:50

It sounds like, even before MIL had dementia the men in the family were glad to drop her on the DIL without any of them really doing anything...that was an imposition on the DIL and now MIL is ill the focus seems to be "why can't DIL still do the same thing anyway that she always did?" rather than "what is the best way to care for someone with dementia?"

Any man who sends his wife away 1 week in 4 is not madly committed to his marriage IMO.

Animation · 29/05/2011 16:55

It's called ENTRAPMENT.

coccyx · 29/05/2011 16:59

if he is that well off and needs a break (which is understandable) then he should get a carer for a week

Miggsie · 29/05/2011 17:07

Reading this thread again with my very suspicious mind it occurred to me that the one week a month, still not negotiable even when the MIL is ill is such an intractable demand from the FIL that is it possible he has a long standing bit on the side? And, rather than make her change her regular plans, he is putting upon his DIL as an easier person to emotionally guilt into falling in with his wishes?

Of course, it may be perfectly innocent and he goes fishing in that week or has all his male friends round to play cards or something, I'd ask him what he does in that week that is so precious he'll send his ill wife off to someone else's house without a thought? for the safety of his grandson...although the OP's partner doesn't seem to have much of a grasp of the situation either.

YellowDinosaur · 29/05/2011 17:09

Miggsie that had crossed my mind too...

ENormaSnob · 29/05/2011 17:13

And me...

Wamster · 29/05/2011 17:23

The shortest way of getting to London to Swansea (bar helicopter or plane!) is via train and it takes three hours. I suspect it takes even longer by coach. Not exactly a quick trip, is it?

Wamster · 29/05/2011 17:24

Sorry, that should be London from Swansea. Aw, you know what I mean. Smile

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/05/2011 17:52

My parents used to try blackmailing me because I lived in a flat they owned. It never stopped. I cut all contact when they tried to tell me to leave my now dh.

I think you need to repay that money or downsize, it's not nice but at least you will be free of this stress. Your fil will always feel he can treat you like this as payback for loaning you money, which is why I would never advise anyone to borrow money off family.

I work with dementia patients and under no circumstances should you leave a child unsupervised with them. One of ours had a go at a visiting child who was sitting quietly waiting for his mum.

perfectstorm · 29/05/2011 18:01

Miggsie - yep, count me in.

perfectstorm · 29/05/2011 18:06

And once again - OP you are a sodding brilliant DIL. A week a month so as to foster close bonds between your MIL and your child, and regular respite care for a deented MIL! Do you know how many people on MN would do either, never mind both? For a MIL they were never particularly close to?

I have a ds. If I ever get a DIL like you I will be dead of gratitude.

hairfullofsnakes · 29/05/2011 19:24

Sorry to be blunt but I can't help think what a complete knob and bully! Is there something more going on here with fil?! Does he need mil away for a reason?! I can't help but wonder if he is having an affair or something and that's why he is so 'hysterical' about having her stay with you once every four weeks...

You must not back down - it's ridiculous to expect you to have her for a week, every month. I really do suspect he has a hidden agenda here...

hairfullofsnakes · 29/05/2011 19:27

Aha! Just read some other posts and I see I'm not the only one who thinks the FIL is playing away! Makes me think it even more now!

pippop1 · 29/05/2011 19:53

OP how do you get in touch with FIL during the time that MIL is with you? Is it always by mobile, for example, or do you phone him on his landline. The answer to this question may give you a clue as to if anything is going on.

muminthemiddle · 29/05/2011 20:13

Op- You have my sympathy.
YANBU.
Your mil is not responsible enough to care for your child. It must be hellish worrying about what she will do next, once a month is too much for you to cope with alone.

hugglymugly · 29/05/2011 20:44

Another thing that's occurred to me. The diagnosis is new but the MIL's behaviour has been suspect for a year or so. That must have become obvious to the FIL during that time, as it was to Daisy, yet he still wants to carry on as before.

I am not knowledgeable as to how dementia is diagnosed, but presumably the signs and symptoms are clear to a diagnostician, and presumably advice and warnings are given to the spouse of the sufferer.

Maybe it's worth Daisy or her DH contacting the diagnostician for advice about the MIL continuing to visit (on her own, on a coach, and then on the London underground) or at least as a heads-up that the FIL is not dealing appropriately with the situation. Putting a dementia sufferer alone on a coach for 4 to 5 hours seems like elder abuse to me. From the Action on Elder Abuse website: 'A single or repeated act or lack of appropriate action, occurring within any relationship where there is an expectation of trust, which causes harm or distress to an older person'.

For some time, Daisy has gone beyond what most people would see as her sphere of responsibility. It's time for her DH and his brother to step up to the mark, even though this situation is about as distressing as it could be for offspring to realise that they're losing their mother to this awful disease and that their father is not dealing with this appropriately.

I hope that Daisy hasn't withdrawn from this thread - but I do know that sometimes such overwhelming support can be, well, overwhelming.

CoffeeDodger · 29/05/2011 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 29/05/2011 21:41

Have you asked fil the reasons why he is so attached to these visits and demanding them now?

Would it be worth getting to the bottom of it? Is it about support for him, about Mil seeing you all, or about him getting some time off?

If you know the driver behind it perhaps DH can rationally discuss alternatives that you are both happy with that meet his needs and yours.

Also asking fil to analyse why he is so upset by this might make him come to his senses somewhat.

orchidee · 29/05/2011 23:22

OP- you may find the 'talking point' forum on the alzheimers society website useful.
Essentially, it's not fair on your mil to continue as normal. She will do better in her home environment than elsewhere. Talk to your HV'S or GP for advice on visits of any duration and your child. One other consideration is her hygiene, personal and food hygiene is typically rubbish and will worsen. People who haven't experienced dementia can't understand - and with vascular dementia she may have unpredictable mood swings and be aggressive and angry, more so in your home than hers as its more confusing, things aren't in the right place etc. So her needs and your child's needs are in fact more in synch than some posters may realise.

I don't want to suggest its your role to take charge, but perhaps do dome investigation and pass the info to your husband and let him talk to his parents.

Best wishes