Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being blackmailed by in laws.

273 replies

Daisytrotter · 28/05/2011 13:17

Sorry, more of a wwyd but am sitting here in pieces, really need advice.

Apologies if I don't reply straight away but have to pick up my friend from the airport.

My mil was diagnosed with dementia two weeks ago. This is after a year of some behaviour which could be considered odd. Interestingly, it was me who suggested that she visit her gp after I found that she had taken the fluffy inserts out of my croc shoes and was wearing them as slippers Hmm Also, she has been having some significant memory problems, but all in all she functions quite well.

Since ds was born 14 months ago, mil has come to stay with us for a week every month. Fil comes down twice a year or we go to stay with them (they live in Swansea. It's not an arrangement that I was ever happy with but ds is her first grandchild and I wanted her to have a strong relationship with him. however, her visits have become increasingly hard work for me as she turns the fridge off at the mains, leaves the back door open as well as other things which a not dangerous per se but annoying. Also dh is at work all day so I am at home with her.

When she comes down she really badgers us to go out so she can babysit. On the three occasions she has babysat, we have come back to find ds absolutely hysterical. I put it down to the fact that he doesn't really know her but now I think she may be leaving him for long periods to cry.

Anyway, since the diagnosis came to light, I spoke to dh and said that I am no longer happy for her to come for a week every month and I don't want her to babysit. I suggested that her and fil come every two months. I just have a feeling that she was using the time with us for a break for herself and i feel as her disease progresses, fil will be using the break as respite care. Dh thought this was a good idea and put it to them when he called them.

They went ballistic. Mil insisted on keeping to the arrangement of monthly visits and babysitting and fil said we were compromising her dignity. I understand that they are struggling with the diagnosis but I also have to think of ds and my own life.

Then fil dropped a bombshell. They had lent us money to buy our house and he said that if mil was not good enough to babysit then their money wasn't good enough for us either. He has demanded it back which essentially means we have to sell the house and rent as we would not be able to buy another property. He has also threatened us with legal action if we do not pay the money back in full by the end of June.

I don't know what to do. They are extremely well off and don't need the money so this is tantamount to blackmail. I have no issue with them visiting I just don't want mil every month and I certainly don't want her to babysit.

Help?

OP posts:
Animation · 28/05/2011 16:17

I wonder what Judge Judy would say!

LadyBeagleEyes · 28/05/2011 16:19

Even without dementia I wouldn't have had my MIL 1 week every month.
You've been very generous.
Your H has to speak to his Dad, your MIL is ill and it's not your responsibility, it's your FILs.
What is your husband saying about the situation?

warthog · 28/05/2011 16:19

i agree with everyone else.

it's not safe to leave your toddler with her and i also wouldn't want her to stay every month.

i also think you have to call his bluff. just make sure you don't miss any repayments.

squeakytoy · 28/05/2011 16:20

I am well aware of how life is like coping with a relative with dementia. It is very hard, but in my family, we help each other out, even if it does mean life can be more difficult sometimes, as sadly that is the way it can be.

perfectstorm · 28/05/2011 16:21

Wamster - absolutely.

A dementia sufferer is like having toddler triplets. Sorry if that offends anyone. I don't mean it to be offensive. It's just that the physical demands of an adult, plus the fact you can't use safety equipment to guard them, plus the sheer bloody heartbreak of knowing it's a dead end rather than a new beginning... it's a horrible thing to have to do, and when simultaneously trying to create a warm, safe nurturing environment for a very small child? I don't think 1 week in 8 would be something I could do, with a child that age, quite frankly - even for my own Mum. I take my hat off to the OP. And anyone who judges someone who can't cope with 1 in 4 days spent that way is either a saint themselves, or an absolutely ignorant cretin.

Gooseberrybushes · 28/05/2011 16:27

I can't read the OP being unsympathetic at all. But I agree with those saying revenge is not the way ahead.

This "casual" arrangement has been relied upon (and her generosity likewise) for as far as it will go. Everyone should recognise there needs to be an active change now. It's dangerous to allow it to continue.

OP your offer is generous and sensible and rather sensitive, and I think you should stop contact until FIL has a chance to calm down. Simply stick to what you offered. The money doesn't come into it yet, and probably won't, because he WILL calm down, and if you have to go to court in the worst scenario, you would be favoured.

Wamster · 28/05/2011 16:29

I mean, really, what kind of in-laws are they, anyway? They are supposed to love their son and his family, aren't they? Would I impose myself like this 1 week in 4 KNOWING full well that one of us is a real danger to that family by dint of incapacity? Most decent people would not want to endanger their family in this way and would do it as an absolute last resort and would feel bad about it, not make threats at the outset. It's not as if they haven't the resources to pay for a caring professional, is it?

Deux · 28/05/2011 16:33

OP, I think you sound like a kind, considerate and dutiful DIL. You have done a lot for your MIL and shown extreme tolerance.

It's time for the roles of everyone involved to be redefined. Your FIL is probably really frightened.

perfectstorm · 28/05/2011 16:36

I agree that FIL may just be terrified and rather heartbroken. Decent people can behave very badly when in that state. Time may sort this one - we can hope, anyway.

HaughtyChuckle · 28/05/2011 16:40

surely they understand that someone with dementia left alone with a child is quite dangerous?

SauvignonBlanche · 28/05/2011 16:43

What a minefield!
I don't agree at all with threatening to break contact with them.
Hopefully FIL will calm down. I wouldn't borrow anything from mine!

Wamster · 28/05/2011 16:54

It need not be a minefield. Perhaps your fil will come to his senses of his own accord given time and thus problem solved.
If not, I should imagine the onus would be on him to take the legal route. I genuinely do not think this would be wise of him because:
a, It will only add to his troubles
b, I think the judge would be on your side- because what your fil is requesting is downright dangerous for your toddler
c, You will be wholly justified in not having them around full stop- although you can have the moral high ground by still inviting them, anyway.

I would, however, be tempted to pay them off asap just to stop this sort of nonsense happening again.

Wamster · 28/05/2011 16:55

Un-necessarily dangerous as your fil could well afford professional care.

ENormaSnob · 28/05/2011 16:59

Fuckng hell, I wouldn't have anyone to stay for a week every month.

Yanbu

I would be very unlikey to speak to them again after fil threats.

YellowDinosaur · 28/05/2011 17:03

What a horrible situation.

I agree that you have already done far more than most people in your situation. I wonder what people would say if the situation was that your sister in law was expecting you to look after her child for nothing one week a month? I am fairly confident that there would be a resounding YANBU to want to reduce the amount of time you are acting as a carer to someone who is not a blood relative.

And like another poster has explained an adult with dementia is far more demanding to care for than a toddler anyway.

The loan from your fil muddies the waters but is not relevant in your consideration of this unless the loan was made on condition that you care for your mil in this way. Which I am sure it was not. It is only relevant because he is demanding the money back, and this is very definately blackmail.

Depends on dh's perspective but I'd be tempted to respond like this - 'fil we are sorry that you are upset that we have to change to amount of time we are able to have mil to stay. You must be able to see that dil has already gone above and beyond the call of duty in helping to care for mil but with a young child and mils deteriorating health this is no longer an option. It is simply not safe for dil to look after our child as well as mil and the safety of our child has to be our number one concern. For this reason we can only have her to stay if you come too to help to look after her. It is also clearly impossible to expect mil to look after our son on her own as that is just not safe and is not up for discussion. We know that you will need a break and we are happy to help you look into respite care and we would be happy to have mil to stay for one week every 6 months when dh can take time of work to help look after her. I am sorry that you feel this situation leads you to ask for early repayment of your loan. Obviously we are only in a position to repay you if you force us to sell our home. If you are insistent on this course of action we will have no choice but please be aware that forcing us to sell our home will irreversibly alter our relationship and we will certainly not be in a position to have either of you to stay in a smaller house. To be honest if you are happy to make us sell our home out of spite we won't actually want to see you.'

YellowDinosaur · 28/05/2011 17:06

And the response I suggested probably better to come from you dh or the 2 of you together.

I think its probably worth waiting to see if fil calms down first before resorting to this though. I wouldn't mention it again unless he does. If it was just fil lashing out because he is angry and upset at the whole dementia diagnosis he will not persue the money. If he does I would spell it out clearly either in eprson or in writing

GiddyPickle · 28/05/2011 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SockShitter · 28/05/2011 17:25

yep, god forbid anyone should have to take time out of their own lives to care for a sick relative...

It isn't her relative squeaky! I wouldn't have a healthy mil in my house for a week every month I can tell you that much.

CheerfulYank · 28/05/2011 17:26

YANBU! I think your alternative sounds totally reasonable. I love my grandmother dearly, but now that she's started to have some episodes she can't be watch my DS alone. Absolutely not.

CheerfulYank · 28/05/2011 17:26

oops, can't watch, not can't be watch.

SockShitter · 28/05/2011 17:27

Your dh my want to speak to his fil and let him know that one week a month care for your MIL will affect your marriage. NO matter how strong it is, this will afect things. Don't risk your marriage and your dc for them.

SockShitter · 28/05/2011 17:28

Also squeaky, what if the MIL causes a fire in the Op's home? Leaves a gas stove on?

QuintessentialOldMoo · 28/05/2011 17:42

When I had to bring my mum to our local psychiatric hospital for sectioning, I had a very long conversation with the psychiatric nurse about the various coping and hiding mechanisms couples get into, when one of them develops dementia. The non-dementia sufferer and the demented person very often end up in a sort of "game" where they both cover up and try to hide the dementia. It is like a special symbiosis.

The spouse will normalize the behaviour, and organize life around it. Like, if the demented person start getting up in the night, the spouse will do so too, and breakfast is taken at 4 am, lunch at 10 am, dinner at 2 pm, and a second dinner at 6 pm as by then the demented person will insist they have not had dinner yet, and the spouse will comply, etc....

People with dementia will often get worse when travelling, as their level of confusion will increase in unfamiliar surroundings. They rely heavily on routine, and doing as they always will have done. When her dementia progresses, your FIL may notice a significant difference in her behaviour, as her level of confusion may increase by each return.

It may not be healthy for your mil to keep travelling to you. She may also be more confused at yours, which is why your FIL dont realize what the fuss is about.

My mum went out for the day to day care on monday 3rd of January this year, and did not recognize her house on her return. The following week, on the 10th of january, she did not recognize the inside of her house, and thought she was on holiday. Her psychosis were increasing throughout the week. She rang me one morning at 7 am and told me to come and pick up my kids (they were asleep in our house) as they were stomping about her living room with devils masks, jumping on the chairs and leering menacingly at her. Sad She was sectioned on 16th January, stayed 3 months on the psychiatric ward, and was moved to a secure unit in a dementia department of a nursing home before Easter. She was diagnosed in June. 7 months between diagnosis and psychosis. We were baking together before Christmas, and until 3rd of January she was functioning well at home, although she did strange things and were forgetful.

You are right to make changes to the visits. But neither your MIL nor your FIL will be able to understand your reasoning.

TidyDancer · 28/05/2011 18:10

OMG OP. YANBU at all. You've been a bloody saint having here there for a week a month! I adore DP's mum, but I think I'd have to kill her if she were there as much as your MIL.

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 28/05/2011 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.