Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that I was really shocked at the state of this woman's house?

244 replies

sunshine76 · 27/05/2011 23:13

I know everyone has different standards about how they keep their house, but we went round for a lunch/playdate thing today and I was really shocked at how messy the house was.

I have never been judgy about this type of thing ever before (and have lived in my fair share of minging student houses in the past), but it really was shocking to me. Stuff everywhere, clutter, laundry, broken things, things piled up in corners, stuff all down the stairway, stuff all over bathroom floor. The kitchen you could not see any surface and there was a huge (more than one night) pile of dirty pans.

I know we all have our off days, but I was pretty shocked that she invite me over when it was like that.

I am pretty sure she does not have any mental issues, is a SAHM with two kids and happily married/not short of money, the DC sleep well etc. Are some people naturally this messy? If she is too busy why doesn't the husband not pull a finger out and do some tidying when he gets home?

I nearly laughed when she suggested her DC tidy their toys before lunch, as they were by far the least of the mess/chaos.

I was grateful for lunch and she is nice but it has weirded me out a bit seeing how they live.

Anyone else been truly shocked by someone's house?

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 28/05/2011 00:14

My advice (after 30ish years of us managing our marital house) is to chill out. Housework will always be there .......... but your children won't be children forever and your friends may come and go. And a "friend" who judges your house is no friend. Seize the day and all that?
If it's a nice day ......... get out and do something. Stuff the dusting or the adjusting of cushions. That can wait.

BeerTricksPotter · 28/05/2011 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta · 28/05/2011 00:16

And what BeerTricksPotter said!! Grin

Bumblequeen · 28/05/2011 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Baby2b · 28/05/2011 00:37

I don't blame you for being shocked op. Been in kind of a similar situation. I was invited to use my friends parents house for a couple of days as they were on holiday and it would save me money on a hotel. I had met the parents who were always well groomed and lovely. Well, when my bf and I arrived we could barely get the front door open and had to squeeze in. There was so much clutter in their four bedroom house that u had to follow a 'path' to walk around. My friend text to say we should use her room. I don't think the bedding had ever been washed and came complete with dirty knickers and used condom. It was worse than anything I have ever seen on how clean is your house.

I do judge Blush. But on the other hand they don't care and she is still a lovely, loyal friend.

lesley33 · 28/05/2011 00:56

When people talk about dirty and very messy houses on mums net they often say it is not important to kids. I know thats not true. My parents house was a bit messy, but was always dirty. I remember at a very young age - about 5/6 trying to clean the coffee table in the living room because I hated how dirty it was.

And looking at the pile of grease and dirt on the top of the fridge freezer and vowing that when I was an adult I would keep my place clean.

I never bothered as a kid about ordinary dirt and mess, but I hated living in a really dirty house.

mathanxiety · 28/05/2011 00:57

It only takes about three days 'off' for my home to look like a home where the buffalo roam, and the deer and the antelope play. Maybe this woman has just had a bad week.

OTOH, I was once in a book group and when we went to a gathering in one member's house, we were all really shocked at the state of it. She had clearly cleared and hoovered a patch in the living room, but everywhere else was stacked high with clutter/papers/laundry of all sorts, and most worrying of all was the fact that the dining room table was covered with containers of medicines for every conceivable ailment, not to mention ache and pain. I must say I saw her in a different light from then on. She was a nurse, and on the surface her family and life were fine. Her youngest DD was a friend of DD1's -- the child was diagnosed with depression when she was about 11 and went through a bad patch, socially.

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 28/05/2011 00:58

I like it when I go to someones house and it's a bit of a mess - makes me feel like mine's really tidy.

flyingspaghettimonster · 28/05/2011 00:59

My house is shocking. Even I am shocked by it. Worst of it is - we do often have big clean ups - it is a very small house with far, far too much stuff and seems to deteriorate into chaos and horror in just a week. I suck at upkeep, put all my energy into a huge two day marathon cleaning job, then don't stay on top of it. Mostly because we are out so much as a family, and when I get time at home to myself I want to be on the computer or watching a movie...

Need to get my act together :( It is so hard, though, when you are a messy person naturally with hoarding tendencies. Plus, when it gets bad, it is easier to ignore it and go out than stay in and tackle it - because you know it is such a mammoth task. Whenever we have play dates we take the kids to the grandparents immaculate house and just clear that up after ourselves - would never have school friends in this place - I would hate to see a thread like this about me. They all know my home is messy because I tell them, but they assume a far less messy place than it really is...

Original poster
sunshine76 · 28/05/2011 01:29

I suppose the reason I posted was that I did feel shocked and also physically uncomfortable being in her house (this was not a cozy, lived-in mess). I don't feel I was judging her as a person, I would not let the state of her house affect us being friends nor do I think her a bad person/parent. But it was an eye opener to me.

For me I just couldn't stand to live in that environment, it made me squirm. Normal family mess I am fine with and by no means would I claim to be great at housework, couldn't give a shit really, but I do make the effort, as I don't wish to live in a pigsty.

OP posts:
TheBride · 28/05/2011 01:43

I love people like your friend. They make me feel better about myself!

when you are a messy person naturally with hoarding tendencies

The hoarding is the key I think- people who never chuck anything, because "it might come in useful/come back into fashion/the kids might want it etc etc"

My saving grace is that I love nothing more than a good clear out- the satisfaction of the bin bags/boxes by the door sorted into charity shop/ebay/jumble/bin. Aaahh.

FreudianSlipper · 28/05/2011 09:22

one of my best friends parents house is like that and he is the same now (we are nearly 40)

we have known each other from school, i remember thinking what a mess when i first went to his house, tatty furniture, piles of washing up, i would not even know where to start looking for something but he has by far the most stable and happy family i know. i loved being round there the house was always a happy loving home

Lulumama · 28/05/2011 09:36

I understand the whole thing about housework always being there, no-one wishing they did more housework BUT If a house is taht cluttered and untidy and full of stuff, it physically cannot be clean. and if it's been that cluttered for months/years, it's not been clean for months / years, and that is not ideal. dirt and mess are not always synonymous, it is ppossible to be untidy but clean, but there is a difference between teh sort of mess that would take an hour and a few bin bags to sort and the type that needs a skip and an earth mover !

mumnotmachine · 28/05/2011 09:37

My house is a shit tip most of the time, but its only clutter, its not filthy dirty, I couldnt cope with that LOL!

The two places Im a bit OCD over are the toilets and the kitchen, both are cleaned daily.
I'm also a bit OCD about dirty washing- my machine is on at least 3/4 times a day. The clean clothes live in piles all over the house, but that doesnt bother me as long as they are clean!
The rest can wait, life is too short!

mumnotmachine · 28/05/2011 09:39

Thats mine Lulumama- I do clean through regularly, its just the destruction force of DCs and DH thatmake the mess!
Couple of hours it would be spotless- but I dont want to live in a showhome

carabos · 28/05/2011 09:45

Totally agree with the not judging, but there does come a point where you do wonder how people manage to function in a house that is very very untidy and dirty, especially if they have small children. We recently went to view a house nearby where the estate agent had to force the front door open because of all the post/ free papers, rubbish piled up behind it. The trail of rubbish went right through the house, every surface was piled with grubby broken stuff, all cupboard doors and drawers were open / hanging off.

The kitchen was beyoned belief - stunk of sour milk, dirty dishes everywhere, including on the floor. And the best bit - the homeowner was there at the time! She couldn't open the back door to show us outside, which was probably just as well as we could see the state of the yard and garden through the window...

The kids were wandering round half dressed, one of them with a filthy nappy hanging round his knees but everything in that home was designer / high end brand, her clothes were top of the range outdoor wear and their books were literary novels - you get the picture.

She was chatty and pleasant and I liked her enough to think that we could be friends, but I did wonder what was going on. When we left the agent just raised her eyebrows!

MikeStand · 28/05/2011 09:45

I am always perplexed by people who say "it's messy but it's clean." In order to get things clean I find I have to clear away the mess first. I cant see how a cluttered kitchen can be clean.

However, I do find mega perfect, shoes off houses very unwelcoming. One house I visited looked like all the furniture, carpet etc had just been unwrapped and the family (husband and kids) were kettled in the astro turfed garden. Later the mum told me she got up at 6am to get an hours housework in before the family got up.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 28/05/2011 09:50

we've got a small house, and though it's reasonably clean and tidy at bedtime, by 10am it's already grim again. cleaning and tidying while the dc are awake and playing always seems a bit like pissing into the wind. i do park them in front of a DVD and have a quick scoot round if we're expecting company, but unannounced visitors just have to ignore the mess.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 28/05/2011 09:52

At the moment our house is very cluttered. It WAS clean, until we made it really messy through not tidying up. I can not guarantee that it is still clean under the clutter. The clutter MAY have prevented the dust from settling. But nobody has spilled tomato sauce on the kitchen worktop, so in that respect it is clean. If tomato sauce had been spilled, it would have covered various books about the Romans and the Vikings.

The floor however, if I shall say so myself, could do with a clean.

It has been a busy week.

But, I am under no illusion, I wont be able to make it stay this way, by monday, it will be squeeky clean.

ledkr · 28/05/2011 09:52

I work in child protection and am also a clean freak,i had to adapt and learn what was neglect and what was just mess. It helps that like i love tiffanny my best friend is the same,she used to empty the potty down the kitchen sink Shock the place is just a mass of clothes and clutter but she is alaways immaculately turned out in high heels and full make up.I guess you have to prioritise Grin

lljkk · 28/05/2011 09:56

If you've lived in student houses I would have thought that was pretty tame, OP. I have been in plenty houses that were as untidy as that AND were filthy, to boot.
Mind, I am surprised that she invited you around for lunch and it was in the state you describe (eg., several nights of pots and pans piled up). Most fully adult people would have made more effort for guests.

DuelingFanjo · 28/05/2011 10:02

These kinds of threads always scare me. My house is in a shocking mess and sounds quite a lot like the one in the OP. I have clothes strewn everywhere permanently, infact lookiing around my bedroom right now I can see more clothes than floor and none of my drawers or doors are closed because there's stuff bulging from them :( I find it impossible to stay tidy. Occasionally it is tidier but it won't stay that way because try as I might I am not a 'put things where they belong' kind of girl. I have a trail of stuff on the stairs waiting to be put away, some of those things have been there for months.

Anoher thing that always worries me is when other posters say 'I live like that' and then reel of a load of things like 'there's washing on the bed and paperwork on the table' as it always makes me wonder if that is really what they class as untidy then they would probably react the same way as the OP if they came to visit me.

PercyPigPie · 28/05/2011 10:06

You sound very judgy. Personally I couldn't live in a tip, but perhaps she was concentrating on the important things in life, like showing her children they are loved, talking to her husband, using her brain.

I know a couple of people like this. Both are highly intelligent women who presumably find cleaning a bit dull and mind-numbing (which it is).

And of course all the studies show that cleanliness is inversely proportional to your socio-economic status Wink.

georgie22 · 28/05/2011 10:07

flyingspaghettimonster - you sound just like me. I do marathon tidying sessions and look around delighted with myself vowing not to let it get messy again, but give it a few days and we're back where we started!! Not sure I'll ever change to be honest.
I can keep my house clean though as my mess isn't the 'been there several months/years mess' and I actually move clutter to clean! I went to a house in the course of my work where all the surfaces were covered with about a centimetre of black greasy residue and it was unbelievably grotty. My patient's wife got an open tin of chicken soup out of the equally dirty fridge and sniffed it to check if it was OK for his lunch. I gently suggested she open a new tin.

DillyDaydreaming · 28/05/2011 10:10

I can be very very very untidy and disorganised, my house is a reflection of this and I hate it. I always say that as a HV I am the one you WANT to come and see you if your house is messy as I simply would not notice unless there were animal/human faeces etc all over the place of many months. (believe me I have seen this).

I really really struggle with being organised, my DS has an ASD and ADHD so life can a get even more in the way, especially as he sleeps so badly. It's one of the reasons I am about to have a cater break for 12 months to see if making the house my "job" makes a difference. If it does then a future as a SAHM beckons until it's totally under control. We shall see.