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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for examples of helicopter parenting

236 replies

lesley33 · 27/05/2011 15:25

I am amazed at how over protective some parents are. For example, my 14 year old nephew is not allowed to be outside without a supervising adult. He is desperate to join his friends who play football on some grass right outside his house, but his mum won't let him as she is worried about what could happen to him.

What are the worst examples of helicopter parenting that you have come across?

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 30/05/2011 14:45

I am at the same stage noddyholder-it is really exciting just to have the two of us! I have 3 lovely DSs that I love to bits, happy that they are self confident and they come home because they want to -not 'because they haven't see mother for a month and she will get upset'.
DS2 was the one who took the longest to be confident away from home, but we didn't force him or mollycoddle him and he did it in his own time and he will go anywhere and do anything now-he did by 16yrs.
I agree, dementedma, they need challenges and independence at all ages, age appropriate of course.

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 30/05/2011 15:23

I know of a mother who helped out at toddler group while her DC's were there, then got a job at the preschool nursery while they were there, left on the day the youngest left to go to school in the July and immediately got a position on the PTA exec at the primary school in the Sept. She also now helps out at the brownie pack they attend.

She is therefore present (and hovering) for every single fete/disco/pack sleepover etc etc that her DC's attend. I think it's pretty tragic on her part but her poor, poor DC's will never get their own space until secondary school.

Even then i'm sure she'll find a way.

exoticfruits · 30/05/2011 15:24

I'm sure she will!

exoticfruits · 30/05/2011 15:25

I'm sure that she also thinks she is a good mother and no one would convince her otherwise.

exoticfruits · 30/05/2011 15:26

Perhaps the Guides will get wise and refuse her help (if sensible)

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 30/05/2011 15:30

I know she thinks she is. I'm sure at the moment her fairly young DC's like having her around, but how will she let go? Surely eventually they'll cotton on to the suffocation and rebel. Do they have PTA's at secondary school? If not she'll be a governor/learning mentor.

MoreBeta · 30/05/2011 15:48

Frankly, I am not one bit surprised that parents are beginning to attend university interviews with children and am not surprised the better off the parent the more likely it is to happen.

Well off parents have most likely invested a lot in private eductaion and paying for university as well. In my day, I got a full grant and parents didnt pay a penny. Now parents are likely to be paying a lot and want to inspect what they are paying for just like a private school.

I certainly will not attend university interviews with DSs but will be in full stealth helicopter mode just over the horizon and the university is likely to be getting a rocket if they are not up to scratch.

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 30/05/2011 15:58

I do think the university interest is justified if the parents are paying such huge sums. It's only natural to want to check out where their investment is going. I would also stop short at attending interviews though.

It's the helicoptering continously and from a young age that I have a problem with. The children who are never allowed to develop any sort of independence. My sil is like this as ils thought that she wasn't capable enough to do anything for herself while growing up and therefore wasn't allowed to.

Unsurprisingly, she is still dependent on them for a huge amount, she has anxiety and ocd and has never had lasting adult relationship.

She is nearly 40 .

merrywidow · 30/05/2011 16:03

I would have helicoptered DD (13) into Excel for an expo this weekend if the budget allowed, however instead I worked out the bus and underground route with her, questioned her on said route just before she left and let her go alone.

She called me when she got there and met her friends, then again just before she left.

She had a fine time; is sensible, looks older and was dressed appropriately.

TheFlyingOnion · 30/05/2011 16:37

helenthemadex · 30/05/2011 17:54

ex-h mother was definately a helicopter parent

she used to phone him 3-4 times a day at work and home, she rang me up once crying quite early in our relationship begging me not to end it with her ds, she had rung him at work and he had got upset on the phone because we had a massive row the night before .

The first time ever I went to stay with them his mother bought us tea in bed in the morning, she said she had heard us 'talking' and hot milk at night when we went to bed

Im convinced that the reason he doesnt work, choosing instead to ponce money off his family and has twice walked out on pregnant women is because of her.

helenthemadex · 30/05/2011 17:59

another one is a woman who had a son of 4 and a half who still slept in a cot bed in their room with the sides still on and up she had stairgates everywhere and the poor little sod had to have reins on still.

when she came to my house with him she used to hold his hand to go up my stairs while I let mey dd of 15 months go up and down on her own

actually maybe that says more about me as a parent what is the opposite of a helicopter parent? a submarine parent?

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helenthemadex · 30/05/2011 18:30

I agree LeQueen, if they can't continue to parent they have no role and no status

ex was 28 when I met him and now when I look back its quite sickening,he used to call her mummy. my friends now all say 'bitty' when they refer to him

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 30/05/2011 19:08

I agree LeQueen. When sil was a child it was felt she couldn't 'cope' with lots of things because she was quite emotional. When I met DH and was introduced to the family sil's 'problems' were openly discussed in front of her eg... "nevermind sil, we know you can't deal with x/y/z" . She was in her late 20's by that time.

I remember thinking then how insensitive it was and of course she couldn't cope if you keep perpetuating the issues by bringing them up.

To me it's a vicious circle. I secretly think mil likes to be needed on a daily basis by sil, though she'd never admit it.

How DH got through unscathed i'll never know.

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 30/05/2011 19:18

Helen at bitty.

Although really, it's sad for the children.

exoticfruits · 30/05/2011 19:28

I have the theory that they go one of three ways with a mother like that:

the remain friendly but cheerfully do their own thing once they escape, hurtle down mountains etc
they do their own thing but with a lot of resentment and keep to the minimum of contact.
mother gets what she wants-a perpetual DC who is scared of the real world.

umf · 30/05/2011 20:34

I totally agree that these examples are nuts, but... is it entirely mothers' faults?

We went to Thetford Forest for an outing a few weeks ago, lovely place, woodland walks, no cars, bikes for hire, fabulous adventure playgrounds. And screwed into each picnic table is a metal plaque saying "DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF YOUR SIGHT".

Ditto baby bath, highchair, changing mat, ricecake packet - all have dire warnings about drowning, falling, choking. Is it any wonder a proportion of mothers nowadays get anxiety disorders?

exoticfruits · 30/05/2011 20:37

Health and safety gone mad-they only do it to cover themselves!

merrywidow · 30/05/2011 20:45

FlyingOnion, you're not far off actually, it was an MCM expo, media comic and movies; loads of people dress up as characters think Star Wars, Dr Who manga characters etc - I made her pack her costume then change when she got there you are not getting on the bus dressed as a japnese schoolgirl-- . A gathering of nerdy weirdos if you ask me - she loves it

merrywidow · 30/05/2011 20:47

*japanese

youarekidding · 30/05/2011 21:00

Do parents that make excuses for their child' behaviour/ rudeness - they're tired, hungry, joking, didn't mean it that way etc also consdered as helecopter parents? They are surely also protecting their children from the horrors of ........ a telling off

I know many helecopter parents who are minor copters to a full fleet.

"what is the opposite of a helicopter parent? a submarine parent?" That made me PMSL.

CheerfulYank · 30/05/2011 21:11

I am going to refer to myself as a Submarine Parent from now on. With feckin' pride! :o

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 30/05/2011 22:29

Sounds perfect. I'll join you. Not sure about submarine, sounds a bit like 'always present just under the surface, ready to torpedo when necessary' Although could be useful when dealing with one or two DD's charming classmates.

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