To ask for examples of helicopter parenting

[lesley33]

I am amazed at how over protective some parents are. For example, my 14 year old nephew is not allowed to be outside without a supervising adult. He is desperate to join his friends who play football on some grass right outside his house, but his mum won't let him as she is worried about what could happen to him.

What are the worst examples of helicopter parenting that you have come across?

University Open Days have changed. My eldest DS went to them all, on is own, all over the country. We took my youngest to most, it was the norm he would have been a bit lonely on his own. I think the sheer cost of it all makes a huge difference. (We took him to the first because we wanted to visit relatives, we were intending to slink away until we saw that practically even prospective student had at least one parent with them so we stayed.

A sensible arrangement seemed to be the ones who did separate tours, one for the young people and one for the parents.

Yes quite exotic - but you would be surprised at the number of parents who complain at that! What they think we are doing to their babies I do not know...

London wanting to talk through things with your son is a very very different thing to talking OVER him at meetings with prospective tutors. As an admissions tutor that is what I am complaining about.

My dad came with me on one of my uni open days.
It was at Surrey, and the train fare was astronomical - and to get the coach would have meant staying over (it took about 8 hours!), which of course was also expensive.
So, because he had to pay for it, he drove me down there instead.

and spent the whole day making himself scarce.

That's how it should be.
yes, even now, when parents are paying more for Uni.
It's not about the costs, and the loss or return, it's to do with the indepence of the students.
As far as prospective employers are concerned, Uni is a way of preparing the people for real life, and that means having to be completely independent.

I know of one family where the son has gone to uni, but a local one, so that he can stay at home. And his mum still coosk his dinners and washes all his clothes and cleans up after him.
The son is very mildly on the autism spectrum, and he hasn't got much of a clue how to do anything for himself. He needs to learn, though, because otherwise he'll never be equipped for living on his own.
the daughter appears to be going the same way (she's NT). It's almost like her mum has drilled it into her. (she does have more independence than the son, though - think it's because she has the capability to see it's not helping her brother)

I read an article once (I've been trying to find it but can't) about helicopter parents. They interviewed a man who did college tours. He said that he was showing the dorms to a bunch of prospective parents and students and one of the parents asked "where is the laundry service?" He said, "Oh, there is a laundry room on each floor." The parent asked "No, I mean, who does their laundry? Does someone pick it up?"

DS already helps with laundry (he's not quite four) and could do a load on his own if he could reach the washing machine!

When I was looking for the article I came across this quote by a clinical psychologist: Some turn out to be "perpetually anxious adults who take very few risks outside of their comfort zones," he said.

Sad. :( Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all, as the saying goes, and they're going to miss out.

I know a 16 year old boy whose mother insisted on coming to the pizza place where he had his first date and sitting on the next table to him and his girlfriend. She didn't see anything wrong with it and actually said "well, it's not as if I was at the same table." She also took her son to the post office to post the valentine's card to his girlfriend too, and drives him and his two brother to school, as she doesn't want them to go on the school bus as they have about a five minute walk to get to it.

At the other extreme, I was helping at the school fete, supervising the bouncy castle last weekend, and was amazed by the number of parents who were not in sight when their really tiny children - some still in nappies - were bouncing and climbing. I had one little charmer, who must have been about four, who, when I asked her not to climb up the slide bit, as she might get kicked by children coming down, said "I don't have to do anything you say. I don't have to do anything any grown up tells me except my Mummy." I found Mummy and recounted this exchange - she didn't say a word, just glared a bit. Thirty seconds later, horrible child was climbing up the slide again. And got kicked in the face by a large 12 year old coming down...

Why do you even care how other people parent their children? Everyone has their own idea of what makes a good parent and these often get confused with peoples own issues/hang ups. But so what? Parent your own children how you seem fit and let other people do the same.

Oh come on Casey-these people deserve ridicule-for the poor DCs sake if nothing else! It isn't loving parenting-it is quite damaging. Having a mother on the phone to her DS at university emotionally blackmailing with tears to come home at weekends is unfair. Some of these parents are setting themselves up to be the most dreaful MIL! (they will be at war with DIL). The job of a parent is to let go gradually, to give them roots and give them wings.

Any DC who tells me that 'mummy is the only one who can tell me off' is red rag to a bull to me-'I think -try me-I can and I will'. Parents shouldn't spout such rubbish-it does the DC no favours.

casey why are you on the AIBU thread if you think we should never judge how each other parents?

I take my ds to messy play each week.
I was amazed at the parents who flapped around their children about getting paint on their clothes or getting their sleeves wet??!!?

It's called messy play for a reason!

Also, I find with the competitive types, if they can't win at their child being the absolute best at something then they have to win at them being the absolute worst. If they don't have a good sleeper they have to have absolutely the WORST sleeper ever, and NOBODY else has a clue about sleep deprivation.

Or if their child doesn't talk their child is MUTE! MUTE! Not a word do they speak. Because for some weird reason that's better than them talking a bit but no way as near as good as another person's child.

Oh FFS, I am on the wrong thread.

Ignore me please!

I just feel sorry for the kids. And UCAS application form now has a box you can tick that allows your parents to talk to UCAS and the universities. I think we should be discouraging this kind of over involvement, not enabling it.

And how are these over protected children going to cope in the workplace?

I really wonder how some of these people's marriages survive their obsession with their children. Apart from anything else helicoptering must be so time-consuming.

Of course, you do get parents who are bonded together through both of them being complete helicoptery weirdos, and when their kids aren't there they don't know how to talk to each other/have an adult relationship.

I spent most of my late teens and early twenties fighting to escape a very controlling mother - the ability for her to talk to UCAS on my behalf would have been something I would have been expected to tick, when she was determined to plan out the university and courses I went on anyway. She's contacted bosses without me knowing when I started work, all sorts - it ended up with me moving to the other end of the country in order to know that what I achieve (or wreck) in my own life is as a result of my own actions and ability and not her meddling.

It led to lots and lots of bitter arguments on both sides when I tried to exert some control and a rift that it's taken till I was into my 30s to fully heal.

I wish they could see what they do and how it can wreck the relationship with their beloved kids.

Love this thread. So reassuring. Although I am a bit protective, I'm also a bit slack, that's normal! Also, I think when kids are between about 1 and 2 or 2.5 you need to hover, so don't worry about that.

My mum was/is helicopterish. I find it very sad and unnecessary. Here are some examples:

-She followed my brother (with baby me in the pram!) to school every day when he was 10 years old, about a 10 minute walk! Hiding behind bushes/fences if my brother looked round...then she legged it home and rang the school to check he had got there!

-She put my brother on a kids merry go round/carousel ride and RAN around it holding on to him when he was about 5.

-she finally allowed me to take the 5 minute walk to the shop age about 9 and followed me.

-she was terrified about us hurting ourselves and was always pointing out what could happen to us. She tries this with my DC and we have a bit of a rubbish relationship at the moment because i won't tolerate it at all with my DC.

There are so many more examples.

I, at the age of 25, am just recovering from a severe anxiety disorder that i have had since i was 8 years old...but i was an anxious child long before it got serious :( And even though i am almost recovered for the serious bit, i still struggle to control my worrying (but i don't let my DC see this) I really do think this is a result of my mother's helicopter parenting. My bro is a worrier too.

Must add that i have managed to turn it all around for my DC, my mother does not agree with our parenting because we give our children freedom and do not run behind them trying to stop them hurting themselves when it is not necessary. She says "i don't know why mums these days just can't see risks. I can see accidents before they happen and don't want my grandchildren to get hurt" she does my head in with it!!! There is just no need, she has had a shit life trying to keep us wrapped in cotton wool and she has done/thought about nothing much else in her life meaning that her relationship with my dad was rubbish, and now my brother and i are busy with our little families she is deeply unhappy and lonely at home. She has nothing to think about or do. Sad really.

My neighbour: We went to the beach once when DC's were (month of being 4). DS ran up and down to the sea collecting buckets of water to fill the hole he was digging (flat sandy beach/ sea 15/20 meters away) whilst I sat on a blanket answering his questions and oohing and ahhing at the right places and my neighbour stood up the whole time with her DD at her feet.

Funny thing was when we went get ice-cream DS sat the whole time while her DD kept standing up and her mum kept wiping her face with the muslin cloth she carried in her handbag. DS had ice cream everywhere (face/hands/clothes) and when she said to him 'look at the mess your in' my DS just said its OK I'll wash it off in the sea.

He walked nicely with me when needed and when it was home time packed away chatting happily whilst her DD threw the loudest tantrum on the beach.

Yet she always says to my DS ' now be good and listen to Mummy'

thing is now they're both nearly 7 she gets really frustrated at her DD because she won't just go and play with other children but wants to sit practically on top of her mum.

I tend stick by my children (3 and 5) when we're out at the park or soft play just because I work full time and I consider this our quality time together. It pisses me off when other kids in the park/soft play try to play with us because they can see we're having fun and their own parents are ignoring them. But I wonder now if some parents would see me and consider me over protective? Don't believe I am, am happy to let DDs go off and play on their own if they want. But they often want me or DH to enjoy the stuff with them.

I had a friend who let her DD miss out on lots of things because of her precious routine - oh, she can't go to the baby swimming lessons as they are at 11am and she has a nap/feed/milk at that time, it would ruin her routine. That DD also didn't come to my DD's birthday party cos again it ruined her DD's nap routine. She thought I was crazy not to have such a strict routine for my DDs, and I was relieved my DDs were flexible and we got to do so much more.

And UCAS application form now has a box you can tick that allows your parents to talk to UCAS and the universities

When did this start? It seems a terrible step. The best thing about universities was that they wouldn't talk to the parent about the student.

Over protective parents should read your post 25goingon95-it really does damage relationships. Instead of gently untying apron strings the DC is forced to cut them in a brutal manner-generally getting away and staying away!

I think the bit about UCAS forms only started this year. Apparently it was because of the large number of parents phoning them and getting upset because UCAS/universities refused to talk to them. I think it is a terrible idea.

When ds2 went to university it was after a gap year spent working and he'd already had his audition, interview and offer before the open day. I'd never intended to go anywhere near this, to be honest, but ds2 was keen for us to enjoy a day in London afterwards so I came along but made myself scarce. I had a very pleasant couple of hours wandering around the rather nice campus and when ds2 joined me, the first thing he said was how truly embarrassing some parents had been.

One mother asked how they monitored sensible bed times in Halls because she didn't want her son staying up all hours and another was very concerned that boys and girls (like all mixed together!!) were sharing the flats in halls without an adult supervisor. A third asked who would be responsible for making sure her son ate properly and wasn't allowed to pig out on junk food. The tutors were, ds2 said, as diplomatic as possible but had said that since all the students were over 18, the university preferred to treat them as adults.

Just been reading about over protective parents and a 17 year old posted this sad comment.

"I have no close friends except for my family. I have been so shielded that i have no idea how to live alone, or take care of myself. I don't know how i can survive right now without my overprotective parents, because they do everything for me. It is unfortunate, but i will probably never learn how to take care of myself, and i will never grow up. "

I'm not generally a helicopter parent but I do carry antiseptic hand-lotion with me, to wipe DS' plastic rattle, if we're on the bus.

He sometimes drops it on the floor/seat, and I don't like to give it back to him dirty. Especially since I saw a dog sitting on a seat, with a huge erection rubbing against the upholstery ...