To ask for examples of helicopter parenting

[lesley33]

I am amazed at how over protective some parents are. For example, my 14 year old nephew is not allowed to be outside without a supervising adult. He is desperate to join his friends who play football on some grass right outside his house, but his mum won't let him as she is worried about what could happen to him.

What are the worst examples of helicopter parenting that you have come across?

The sad thing is that my DCs think that I am over protective (I think I am a bit) but when I read them some of these examples they just do no believe it!! I can't persuade them that I am actually liberal to the point of downright dangerous!

sorry 'do not'

Wow, you're making me feel so much better. I feared I was crap for not taking piles of books and toys everywhere, not enjoying playing cars with DS1, not racing round playground with him etc etc. Have been feeling bad for just "facilitating" - v pleased to discover this is respectable and even ideologically-driven approach not laziness.

But going back to the helicoptering: I had a boyfriend for a while who still had a nanny when he and his sister were leaving school and going off to uni. In order to justify her employment she did absolutely everything for them. I even saw her ironing bras one day. BF so hopeless in kitchen that genuinely had no idea how scrambled egg was prepared. Oven? Microwave? Frying pan? No clue.

Nothing egregious around here, just garden variety stuff. I am talking about school aged children here:

1. Parent's who should drop children off at dance lessons but insist on staying and watching the whole time (teacher has now firmly kicked all parents out of class as children behave/concentrate better with out mum.)
2. Parent's who stay for children's birthday parties rather than dropping kids off (who wants to run two parties, one for kids one for adults?)
3. Sending child to school with own, specially chosen fruit snack rather than taking what comes like everyone else in the free fruit for infants program at school.

Our Cubs finish at 8.30 and if we don't send them home dirty we reckon we've failed! Thankfully, parents around here are down to earth and recognise clean dirt for what it is ? good for kids.

Re hovering over homework (there are a few posts above), my view is that self motivation is best. It can be taught (instilled) at an early age. Makes life much easier for parents.

Just been reading about a parent who would have have appeared as an over protective parent, but wasn't.

"We were on vacation at a beachside condo with 2 pools - a large pool for adults and a small kiddie pool, about 18 inches deep. My son was 4 and wanted to go in the big pool, so he had on a life jacket. We happened to have some "water wings," and when he saw someone else wearing them he wanted to wear his, too. Then I took his toddler sister into the baby pool, so of course he decided to join me there (yes, dad had been watching him in the big pool). So there's my 4 year old son, in an 18 inch deep pool, wearing a life jacket AND water wings. People gave me some strange looks."

can you be a helicopter parent when dc is like under 3 or applies when there old enough to play, make friends etc.

I thinkit would be difficult to be one when your children are very small, although not impossible. The reality is they need lots of care at that age and you need to constantly supervise them. Although one poster on the thread mentioned a 3 year old who still has to sit in a high chair and isn't allowed to feed herself.

But I think it is really when they get older that you can see this happening. I think if all the other children are allowed to do something that your child is not and the child doesn't have SN, then I think you need to ask whether you are a helicopter parent. You may not be though even then.

Although one poster on the thread mentioned a 3 year old who still has to sit in a high chair and isn't allowed to feed herself.

LOL oh dear, I'm not that bad but with DC being under 2 I have to hover on the playground

Children need to be given independence in small steps throughout their childhood. So early small steps are learning to feed and dress themselves. And as they get older letting them mix with friends, go on school trips, go to birthday parties,etc.

The sad thing is that very over protective parents harm their children. Reading the research they either become very anxious and struggle as adults with every day tasks, or they rebel and go crazy as soon as they get away from home.

I think its fine still hovering with your child. I think you would know if you are over protective because other parents/relatives/friends would be trying to say tactfully that you need to give your child more freedom. Unfortunately lots of very over protective parents ignore this.

But with an under 2 you do still need to hover. Honestly you sound like a perfectly good mum.

You do have to hover over a very small DC. I was under the impression that DCs wouldn't attempt anything they couldn't do-was of my silly misconceptions before DCs-disproved by DCs who regularly got stuck at the top of climbing frames. It is difficult, my DS3 copied his brothers and was up tall slides etc very young. I let him do it but I couldn't just sit and ignore him. He had a trip to A &E when he was being supervised on a seesaw and ,with no warning, decided to get off at the top!

You do need to supervise but you have to know when to stop! I think that many people may shadow a 7yr old to a corner shop, but they can't shadow an 11yr old to the school bus and they certainly can't shadow a 16yr old to the cinema with a girlfriend!

There is always a lot of debate about when people can leave a DC alone at home. If you feel that you can't leave an 8 yr old for 10 minutes, it is fair enough, but you should aiming to do it in the near future, certainly by the time they are 11yrs and you can't put a 16yr old in after school club or get a babysitter for them!

There is always debate about how much DCs should do in the house. Posters will say that you are really mean to ask a 4 yr old to do anything-again fair enough-but the aim should be to get them doing things before they are 11yrs and certainly they should be able to do everything by the time they go to university.

There are parents who don't let them do sleepovers, even with granny and then cry when they go on a school trip-as if this shows how much they love them!

Being a parent is hard and wrapping them in cotton wool and making sure they are never hurt, don't experience boredom, frustration,loneliness, anger etc etc doesn't do them any good. They can only learn to deal with them if they experience them.

Your DC could join the army at 16yrs old so they can certainly catch a train, cook a meal, iron a shirt and have an evening alone at home while their parents are out. If they can't catch a train at 16yrs it is truly frightening that they can get on a plane to Peru less than 24months later (if they have the money the parent can't stop an adut)with no learning curve between!

Being a parent is a process of letting go gradually so they are self sufficient by 18yrs. The other way is to smother and over protect and then you either don't see them for dust as they escape or you have a fearful DC who stays at home with mum because 'it is a big scary world without her'. However maybe the latter is what people want.

(I am not talking about DCs with SN)

ROFL @ This thread!

Ah there was one in primary school, well she was a step-mother. Oh god the things she used to do - you know she bleached out the lunch box every night rather than giving it a rinse under the tap. Kids pick up wrong boxes/jumpers - she'd be on the phone that night rather than wait for the usual swapping back next day.

Two incidents really stick in my mind:

Son bring home other childs jumper. I fold it up and put it on the hall table ready to go back tomorrow. Husband has heart attack. Jumper last thing I'm bothered about. What do I get? "I know you've got other things on your mind but when will we get X's jumper back?"

School trip. She ended up being banned. What did she do? grab some unsuspecting grandmother at the school gates; follow the coach with this total stranger she'd hijacked ..... and proceed to follow her little angel round all day.

Mad mad mad !!

At least they let them go on a school trip. The most over protective parents won't let their child go on any trip unless they are there supervising.

Very true LeQueen-I think that it stems from 'wanting a baby to love me'-it is too much of a burden on the DC.
A parent needs outside interests, the best thing you can do for your DC is let them know that you have a life and they can go out into the world without feeling guilty or responsible for the parent.
Too many write 'I am devoted to my DC', see it as a virtue that they haven't been out alone with DH for 10 yrs (or worse say why would I want to go out apart from as a family?), rarely sleep in the same bed as DH because the DC takes up his space and never eat with him-leave it in the oven. (fine some of the time but not everyday)
The child rearing years are over in what seems the blink of an eye and you have the prospect or 30/40yrs ahead with a stranger! No wonder some parents cling to the DC.
I generally stand up forMILs, who get a raw deal, but seeing this thread you can see the problem. The mother has over protected her DS and suddenly gets a woman who won't put up with it-she married an adult and finds that in MIL's eyes he is still her PFB! (I expect we all have our PFB, not to mention 2nd and 3rd etc but you have to keep it a secret and let go).

When we were 14 Dh's best friend went on a school trip to spain with about 30 or 40 other pupils from our year. The first night there, Dh's bf unrolled his sleeping bag only to find a ROLL, not just a pack but an entire roll of condoms fall out of it which his mum had kindly provided along with a note reminding him "to be safe". Now this was sensible if a little over the top but when you are 14, a bit geeky and have never even had a girl look at you the las thing you want is half the year knowing your mum gives you condoms on school trips.

He was teased until he left school even to the point that during a sex ed class a couple of years later, the teacher was explaining the various forms of contraception when he said "and if you're ever on a night out and fnd yourself short of protection, I'm sure xxx's mum can help you out" poor Dh's bf he'll be haunted his entire life!

When dd was going on the school trip in Yr 7, dh went to the open evening beforehand to check that they would be ok with her wheelchair and that the house had disabled access. But the dad behind him had a far more pressing issue: when it got to his turn to speak to the teacher he asked in trembling tones if his son would have to eat vegetables ! Dd confirmed that the boy had no SN. And this was in Yr 7.

You have to let them go some day. And ime so far gradually is the way to go. Ds is 17 and an only child but hugely independent and street wise most of teh time. I always thought I would never let him go but actually it hasn't been too bad and I think living in a city has helped in many ways. Some of his friends who are too cosseted are much sillier when they are allowed out and get really drunk and ds and his mates have to 'sort it out". It is really important to remember your relationship as time goes by so fast it will be just the 2 of you before you know it. I have always had one eye on this and we are having a great time as we have a bit more money now and can pick up where we left off 17 years ago!

DD2 will be 18 in September. Two days later she heads off to Spain for a year to be an au pair. hasn't lived abroad, doesn't speak much Spanish and secretly, I'm dreading it, but hell she'll either survive or she won't. She's up for it and at that age, they need some challenges and some independence.
Am shocked at some of these tales of hovering over university age teens.

Sorry LeQueen that came out wrong. There are parents that are worse, but I agree letting your children see you cry in that situation is manipulative.

I am nodding along to so much on here.
Someone on another forum was crying, actually crying, because their four year old went on a day trip with school. If you are doing that you need to get a most serious grip. Poor kid.
And parents who don't let anyone else ( including experienced coach drivers) drive their kids anywhere. Or have a heart attack because they can't pitch up with a car seat for the coach for their eight year old. or exclude their child from cub camp or school sleepovers.
When I was a kid my aunt used to say she wanted to make her children happy and my mum always said she wanted us to be confident. I do believe that you cannot be truly happy without confidence.