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Original poster

To ask for examples of helicopter parenting

236 replies

lesley33 · 27/05/2011 15:25

I am amazed at how over protective some parents are. For example, my 14 year old nephew is not allowed to be outside without a supervising adult. He is desperate to join his friends who play football on some grass right outside his house, but his mum won't let him as she is worried about what could happen to him.

What are the worst examples of helicopter parenting that you have come across?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 29/05/2011 08:28

Apparently it was because of the large number of parents phoning them and getting upset because UCAS/universities refused to talk to them. I think it is a terrible idea.

I thought it must be new as DS is in his second year and we never had that. I think that it is the most appalling idea. The one good thing about university was that parents couldn't find out a single thing and they had to let go and rely on what they were told by their DS. I remember years ago when my brother dropped out and my parents were horrified, even then the university wouldn't talk to them, the most they would do would hold open the place until my parents had talked to him. That is the way it should be.

The bedtimes and junk food etc made me laugh until you realise that parents are deadly serious about it Sad

My older DS is sharing a flat at the moment, he says he gets on well with him as a friend, but he is driving him mad living with him because he can't do any housework without being told-as DS says 'I am not his mother'!

LondonMother · 29/05/2011 09:15

Just to clarify, I have no intention of making any decisions for my son, or asking embarrassing questions at Open Days! I think there is a world of difference between, on the one hand, taking an intelligent interest in his future and providing a listening ear for him to bounce his thoughts off (well, we can all dream - he's actually highly unlikely to discuss his plans or thoughts with us in any detail, he never has) and on the other hand trying to control his adult life. The post above about anxiety passing from one generation to another is so sad.

The UCAS thing has arisen partly because so many young people go off travelling in gap years and sometimes urgent decisions need to be taken while they are uncontactable. However, I agree it gives a green light to parents who regard this as essentially their decision, not their adult child's.

TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 09:16

"Apparently it was because of the large number of parents phoning them and getting upset because UCAS/universities refused to talk to them. I think it is a terrible idea."

There's another side to this. The has been a lot of campaigning by a mother whose son committed suicide during his first year at university. He had spoken to Uni about the problems he was having, but she had no idea and he didn't open up to her. She wasn't able to be there for her son as the Uni privacy policy meant they couldn't communicate with her about his depression.

So, it might be worth thinking about this before everyone jumps on the "thats awful" bandwagon....

exoticfruits · 29/05/2011 09:27

I know the case theflyingonion-and of course it was tragic- but I think that the alternative and opening the floodgates to neurotic and over protective parents is worse. I was going to say that in that sort of case perhaps they could contact the parent BUT had he been living at home and gone to the dotor with depression the doctor couldn't have contacted the parents either.
Of course she would have been closer to pick up on it but she could only go by what he chose to tell her. The job of the university would be to get him to speak to his parents-not go over his head and speak to them.

It is a tricky one but at 18yrs they are an adult. There must be many students who would be put off getting any help at university for personal problems if they thought it wasn't completely confidential. It works both ways.
They handle large amounts of money but the Bank won't speak to a parent.
They are adults at 18yrs and it is the parent's job to have got them to that stage.

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 09:36

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LeQueen · 29/05/2011 09:45

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twoistwiceasfun · 29/05/2011 10:44

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Greenstocking · 29/05/2011 10:59

Le queen, I swear I could have written that.
My MIl is EXACTLY the same.
She actually had a panic attack when we ordered her a new telly as a surprise.

DH on the other hand is the biggest risk taker I know ( apart from me!) and life is rather exciting!

MrsDanverclone · 29/05/2011 11:05

I bumped into an old school friend once in the park, her twin DS's were 13 at the time. We decided to sit down in the middle of a large grassy space, dotted around with a few bushes and have a chat. My oldest DD(14) wasn't with us as she was out with friends and so I had my other DD (11) and DS (9) plus a friend each, in the park with me.
My kids decided to play hide and seek and asked her DS's if they wanted to play, so my DD starts counting, off they all run to hide and then this 'friend' stands up and starts shouting "Boys,boys, no don't go behind those bushes as a naughty man will snatch you and take you away."
I thought she was joking and laughed, as her DS's are actually 2 strapping teenage boys and their dad is well over 6 foot, so they obviously take after him in height.
She actually got quite cross with me, informing me what a bad parent I was in letting my oldest daughter out unsupervised, anything could happen etc.
I have since avoided her like the plague and have heard from another school friend ( who shares my lax parenting style) that when her oldest DS went on a date to the cinema, she actually sat a few rows back just to keep an eye on him.
Her oldest is in upper sixth form, while my DD is in lower and she still takes him and his brothers to school every day, then collects them, they live a 10 min walk away from school.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2011 11:13

that when her oldest DS went on a date to the cinema, she actually sat a few rows back just to keep an eye on him

No wonder people get problem MILs! Grin

MrsDanverclone · 29/05/2011 11:57

I agree exotic.
Unfortunately that is only one of many helicopter fluttering she has done. Those kids are so ill prepared for life it is scary. The plus side is, whenever my kids moan about my parenting, I always say it could be worse and they could have such and such as a mum, they'll shudder, agree and I'm seen in a much better light! Grin

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 12:05

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LeQueen · 29/05/2011 12:07

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exoticfruits · 29/05/2011 12:12

Because it makes you indispensible, LeQueen. You are missing out the last part -'the world is a big,bad scary place unless you are with mother.

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 12:15

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25goingon95 · 29/05/2011 12:26

Oh my, you are so right. I actually shuddered then reading 'the world is a big,bad scary place unless you are with mother.' and 'actively instill fear in your child, and make them feel beholden to you in order to make yourself feel worthwhile'

So true...

25goingon95 · 29/05/2011 12:27

I can still picture in my mind the big white van and scary man who was waiting around corners/anywhere out of my mothers sight.....

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2011 12:49

OK I don't have aproblem with some of these - I think it's fine for parents to show an interest on university open days, and DS likes it if I play with him on the soft play - he's happy to go off on his own but he's entertained when I go down the slide too!

However, my mum is helicopter grandma. ANything to stop them getting angry or frustrated. Once when DS was building a tower from stacking cups my mum was handing him the next one he needed each time, to avoid him possibly getting it wrong Angry

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2011 12:50

DS was about 2 and a half btw, perfectly capable of building a tower of stacking cups!

Greenstocking · 29/05/2011 12:54

Le Queen, are we married to the same man? Hmm Although, TBF he does ski more on piste these days but everything else is similar!

Greenstocking · 29/05/2011 12:56

Le Queen, DH travels a lot with his business and she is constantly, " unable to sleep" in case the plane crashes/he is kidnapped/mugged/arrested/burnt in a fireball etc etc.

I tell her not to worry, he's heavily insured Grin

WillyBumBalls · 29/05/2011 13:04

I trained in an after school club when I was 16 after leaving school and turns out that one boy who was in my year and was 2 months older than me went there everyday for 5 years because his mum and dad did'nt want him walking the 10 minutes home and sitting himself for an hour each day! Picking him up from school everyday was a surreal experience.

My friend has a stairgate on her livingroom, kitchen and bathroom door to stop her 4 year old wandering... in her tiny 2 bedroom flat Hmm Everytime I take my 4 year old over to visit he shows her DD how to open the gates :o

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2011 13:06

Shock at 16yo in after school club

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2011 13:07

I used to think my parents were over protective but from MN I realise they were just slightly on the overprotective side of things :o

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 13:07

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