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Original poster

To ask for examples of helicopter parenting

236 replies

lesley33 · 27/05/2011 15:25

I am amazed at how over protective some parents are. For example, my 14 year old nephew is not allowed to be outside without a supervising adult. He is desperate to join his friends who play football on some grass right outside his house, but his mum won't let him as she is worried about what could happen to him.

What are the worst examples of helicopter parenting that you have come across?

OP posts:
allegrageller · 28/05/2011 00:41

yeah hogsback. I really do think there is a big issue with the infantilisation of a whole generation of people.

It seems so much a class and money related thing too. Parents just cannot let go of their little dears, you can see how desperate they are to get something back on their investment. I don't think it is just the uni fees investment- the child itself has been an investment since birth and the parents want payback!! And yet somehow they cannot let little Titus/Tara grow up either, so they smother their individuality trying to get the desired results. It's a sad phenomenon.

I am so much more impressed by parents who (despite being there) sit back and let their son/daughter ask the questions, only interjecting when directly spoken to. The children in those cases always seem so much more mature and better adjusted too.

FreudianSlipper · 28/05/2011 00:46

those parents who always insist on sharing because the toy your child is playing with and their child is interested in although there are many other toys to play with, no your child shoudl learn that they can not have everything they want and when they want to bigger off

friends of mine when on holiday go back to their room at 7 each night so their childrens (4 & 6) bedtime routine is not broken

FreudianSlipper · 28/05/2011 00:58

thinking about it my ds (3.7) is very shy though he will happily be left with strangers (not that i do) but will not go off and play on his own or with other children until he is comfortable in his surroundings but never seems to get upset going somewhere new

his dad (we are separated) fusses over him like mad constantly wiping his face if there is a tiny bit of food smeared on him, still carries him everywhere, will hold on to him when he is climbing up the slide but then throws him about like a rag doll when they are playing

VforViennetta · 28/05/2011 01:04

I was very shy as a child though, my Mum stayed with me in nursery, I was crap at new situations.

I am the same now, so don't think parental input is all that.

Coralanne · 28/05/2011 02:01

My 6 year old DGS plays football and at his home ground parents are not allowed inside the fence. (Thus they can't run up and down the side line and yell abuse instructions at the childen).

You can see the game perfectly well from outside the fence but it's amazing how many "adults" from opposing teams throw tantrums because they can't stay within arms reach of their DC.

The coach and the manager are the only two people allowed on the field.

CheerfulYank · 28/05/2011 02:49

My SIL. My niece and nephew are not allowed near dogs because they might get bitten. They are not allowed to walk through long grass because they might get ticks. They refuse to eat anything but Oreos, chicken strips, and Doritos, and SIL literally wrings her hands over this but keeps on buying the junk. Also, she is always warning them that they will get sick and have to go to the doctor and get a shot. No wonder they have to be dragged to check-ups kicking and screaming... Hmm

My aunt and uncle. They got married later (professional couple, lived in Manhattan, very Woody Allen style neurotics :) ) and had to try for a very long time to have my little cousin. Every decision must be weighed out to make sure it is not somehow psychologically damaging to her. She drank from a bottle until she was almost five because "she just screams if we tell her no and we think that can't be good for her!" It takes two hours to put her to bed, and they both have to take turns being worn out by her. They do not insist on manners because "it puts too much pressure on her." They slather her in sunblock every day, which is unnecessary as they stand too close to her for any of the sun's rays to get through. :) They hold her hand on hikes, and I know they think I'm a terrible slattern of a mother because I let DS bound around jumping off of rocks and things. The funniest part is, their DD is nails . They treat her like some fragile flower but she's really tough and hilarious. They moved to New Jersey (more room for the little darling, of course) and she's this stroppy, sturdy little kid with a Sopranos accent. I adore her. :o

ilovedora27 · 28/05/2011 07:24

My daughter isnt shy but when its us at the park I get on all the park things. Its a young parent thing and I love it tbh and we both like having a laugh together. That isnt being a helicopter parent its just having fun

Littlepurpleprincess · 28/05/2011 08:09

I went camping a couple of years ago, me and DS were in a toddler swimming pool and this little lad (about a year and a half, I would guess) kept coming right to to DS and blowing raspberries. Very cute, and he was just playing, but DS really didn't like it. So I, politely, said "please don't do that in his face sweetie, DS doesn't like it", and the kid stopped, toddled off nice and happy, no problem right?

Then his Dad approached me and said "He wasn't spitting, he just exploring with sound, he's just playing

lol. He then went on to repeat this about 5 times and said I shouldn't have told him off! Told him off?! WTF? I asked him politely!

I didn't know what to say, I just kept nodding and saying "I know he was just playing but I had to ask nicely...."

Original poster
lesley33 · 28/05/2011 08:29

I really didn't start the thread aimed at parents who may be a little over protective. It is really about some of the eextreme over protectiveness that some posters have mentioned.

I think some children are born naturally shy and some are born naturally outgoing. Of course with a shy child, as parents we need to build up their confidence, etc.

But my SIL is very very over protective - especially when she just had one. As he got near school age she kept telling everyone how worried she was about how he would cope in school. Some people actually laughed at this, because he was a very very outgoing boy who would talk to anyone.

If parenting would make a child shy he should have been terrified of new people. Instead I think he was just glad to have some freedom!

OP posts:
Original poster
lesley33 · 28/05/2011 08:31

And liyttlepurpleprinecess - the parent was being very OTT. But I think the words "told off" mean different things to different people. I would have said that you politely told off the child in question.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 28/05/2011 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicbmc · 28/05/2011 11:26

My poor kids had a helicopter grandma. We had a garden full of trees but they never got to climb them as she would freak out if they were so much as a foot off the ground. Hmm

She was always telling me not to let them do this that or the other in case they hurt themselves. Nightmare to live with.

InWithTheITCrowd · 28/05/2011 11:43

so THAT'S what helicopter parenting means... :) I'm pleased I know, because I saw some the other day. Was at a play park with DS (21 months) and there was not much he could go on, as it was all for older children really - but was with a friend and her slightly older DC.
I was sitting on a bench, when a woman came up to me and asked how old DS was as she thought her DS was same age - it turns out her DS was 2.6 (my DS is quite tall and broad). DS was having a run around (v small play park, v safe, and he was hanging round the non-contact stuff. Got my eye on him) - this woman's DS had reins on, and she said to me "I envy you for being able to let him run around. I wish could be that relaxed One day i'll try and let go" - all very joky and friendly.
Then, she got up and literally ran around the park, with her DS on reins - on the swings running back and forth while he was swinging- she climbed up the climbing frame with him still on the reins - he went down the slide, and she held the reins from top to bottom, and everywhere he ran, there she was running behind him.
There were loads of kids there - all different ages, and some much younger than hers and I think she knew how daft she was being, but just couldn't let go. Her DS kept falling over too - due to the weird tugging/holding that was going on, and when my Ds tumbled (as the do) she said "Oh thank God it's not just mine. It's not just the reins is it?"
She was really nice - just way way way too PFB!!!

LeQueen · 28/05/2011 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icoulddoitbetter · 28/05/2011 12:02

I think I come across as one of these. Unfortunately my personality is one of a seasoned neurotic! But, my 19month old also has no common sense or sense of danger so at the moment I don't really have a choice but to follow him round at playgroups. If I don't, he ends up climbing up onto high cupboards or trying to pull fire extinguishers off the wall! I envy my friends at a local playgroup we go to as they can sit down and just keep a general eye of where their DC's are. We're not at that point yet....

Icoulddoitbetter · 28/05/2011 12:07

Just remembered though, it doesn't always work. A few weeks ago DS was on a climbing frame about 5' high which was for older kids so it had lots of gaps he could slip, or more likely climb through and jump off...! So I was pretty close to him (standing on the ground) He stopped and turned to me at one of the gaps and lent to give me a kiss (ahhhhh) I leaned forward to kiss him back and he disappeared. I looked down and he ws sitting on his bum at my feet looking confused. Poor thing! Won't stop him trying to leap off climbing frames four times his height though!

WeirdAcronymNotKnown · 28/05/2011 12:29

I just wrote a short list for DH in bright orange pen. And illustrated it (so DD can help).

On the back I also wrote LOTS OF CRAP as I always crave junk food when I'm on my period :o

I did consider asking DH to leave it somewhere for a prospective MNer, but he would've just looked at me like this Confused Hmm

:o

peppapighastakenovermylife · 28/05/2011 12:32

Oh the open days for students! Yes - I find myself trying to persuade the parents to pick the course rather than dealing with the students. And the ones who ring up to demand why their child has not been offered a place! Erm...because I'm going to offer them one now aren't I that mummy is ringing up. Great way to showcase independent thinking and critical argument. Anyway....

Our school now prints on all letters about trips WE DO NOT NEED PARENTS TO ATTEND. Causes outrage in the school yard amongst the parents who want to go - I am always a bit Blush that I never consider the need to go with them!

WeirdAcronymNotKnown · 28/05/2011 12:33

Oooooops wrong thread!

LaWeasel · 28/05/2011 12:34

TBH, I have no idea what the parents at Uni open days thing is about.

I was 18 and looking around places not long ago and my parents were exactly like the helicopter kind everyone moans about on the day. I was so pissed off that I didn't say much unless I actually got a chance to be alone with the other students/lecturers when I was my normal chatty interested self.

It's odd because they were nothing like that when I was growing up, I come from a background of borderline neglect but the one thing they were obsessed about (despite not giving a toss about whether I was eating enough or ill or hand enough clothes for example) was education and it just followed through there.

I'm extremely independent though, and just because they were there and trying to look involved doesn't mean they hadn't anything to do with me/my attitudes or my choices. They had no input in any of my career choices.

emptyshell · 28/05/2011 12:48

Had to teach the kid of a mum who wouldn't let go - kid was a lovely little lad, bit of a daydreamer but more than capable of holding his own and managing himself.

She managed to persuade the head to let her come to school swimming lessons, not to help, but to get him changed and watch to make sure he was ok in the pool (I could have throttled the head who allowed this -parent helpers, yep, parent here to talc my lil boy's botty only - nope)... and at Christmas, every other kid in the school was having school Christmas dinner (not through pressure - through choice - we had a stonkingly good cook at that school and it was fab!), mum refused to let him - even when the boy got upset as anything and the secretary rang her to ask if she wanted him to put him on the lunch numbers as he was feeling left out - "Oh no, he will only eat what I give him so he NEEDS me to make him a packed lunch, can you tie some tinsel around his lunchbox handle so it looks Christmassy"... we did what we could with putting his packed lunch out on a plate like the others - but he WANTED Christmas lunch, had no food allergies or issues - mum just needed to be needed so badly she couldn't let go for one day.

Shame because she was an utterly lovely woman who would admit he was her baby - but he was also a lovely kid being utterly utterly suffocated by it all (while we were trying to build independence and attention span up within school it was all being undone when he went home!)

LongStory · 28/05/2011 13:06

am loving this thread - lots of giggling here - i work and have 5 children (11, 9, 6, 2 and 2). Our house is chaotic and loving and I try to put in place a good framework for relationships and personal responsibility, but there is only one of me. When I have my next despairing moment I'll be much more thankful that I have this large fun family and have to prioritise my parenting on the essentials!

LeQueen · 28/05/2011 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonMother · 28/05/2011 14:43

Re university open days - when I was choosing a university (late 70s) the financial side was not an issue. If I had dropped out after a few months or failed my degree, it would have been a waste of an opportunity but I would have started my working life with no debt.

My son is gearing up to apply to UCAS this year and the choices he has to make are a lot more complicated. Whatever he does, he will leave university loaded with debt and we are likely to have coughed up a fair whack towards it all too. I don't think it is a sign of being overprotective that my husband and I are keen to be involved in the decision, at least to the extent of talking it through with him so we feel some confidence that it's a sensible one.

Also, we know something about universities. My parents didn't.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 28/05/2011 15:11

Nothing wrong with being involved, showing an interest or coming to open days - it is the ones that take over from the student e.g. they ask the questions, they come up and speak to you and dont let the student, they complain when you try and take the students away from the parents for 15 minutes to have some group discussions Hmm