to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

[GetOrfMoiCase]

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/1222273-Chipping-away-at-abortion-rights-govt-appoints-Life-as-sexual-health-adviser

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

rhubarb the reason why I think GetOrf's post is needed is set out in my posts.

There are so many voices out there saying "everyone regrets an abortion". There are virtually none (except this thread) saying "actually I don't".

This may influence some women who are considering what is the right option for them. There may be women who think an abortion is right for them, but are wavering because they have been led to believe they will suffer a lifetime of regret if they go ahead. GetOrf's post is important as it tells them this is not necessarily true.

GetOrf's post is not about her own needs. It's not about the needs of those who've had an abortion and don't regret it. It's about providing a balanced picture to those who are yet to make that (difficult) decision.

I think it goes without saying that the decision wasn't taken lightly. Isn't this the whole point? That someone can talk about this subject without first making an aside that of course she feels such and such an amount of guilt and regret over it and agonized over her decision etc?

^ pictures of kittens on profile. They are called Cheese and Pickle. I pick 'em up in a fortnight

GetOrf - I think Katie's responding to rhubarb's last post, which basically says we should be focusing on the needs of those who do regret their abortions not those who don't.

Rhubarb, you say in one post: 'I don't understand why people who have had abortions and have no issues with it feel the need to tell everyone' and in another 'there are plenty of women who may never get over the trauma of having an abortion'. So we're allowed to say if we feel traumatised but not if we don't.

And I remain unconvinced that most women do feel traumatised. I've not seen any evidence.

To all those who feel she is/was boasting. I believe she wasn't but so what if she was. I personally believe that being strong enough to realise that youare not in a position to be a parent to a child at that point and taking staps to prevent it is something that it would be justifiale to boast about. Far more worthy of boasting IMO than going on with a pregnancy that you could ill afford or cope with.

Oooh lovely kittens Getorf

I had one at 17, as soon as I found out I knew I was going to, there was no feelings involved, I was 17 far too young.

I had another when the man I was with (long term partner) was abusive, agressive, I already had one child with him and there was no way I wanted another.

I did go on to have another child a few years later as did not want to go through another termination.

I felt nothing for the first one, but did feel grieved at the second because it was 20 weeks.

It is not a grief that lives with me though and I never think about it.

Getorf-Do you openly tell people in RL that you've had an abortion and feel no regret?Just wondered..

Right, this is my LAST POST.

I'm sorry if women are called sluts and whores if they reveal they have an abortion, is that very common? Does that actually happen?

No-one is not allowed to discuss abortion. There are many issues that need to be discussed concerning abortion. The issue of coercion and the issue of being offered counselling - even if you don't need it, because there are plenty who do. Abortion is talked about and discussed all the time.

The OP is not being told to shut up because she started a debate about abortion. She was told that her title was insensitive and that the AIBU topic was probably not the place for it.

The OP doens't feel guilt. Great! So she can move on with her life presumably. Or because people don't feel guilty we now have to have a whole debate about why they don't feel guilt? All this "we are made to feel like we should feel guilty!" is a bit bollocks tbh. WHO says you should all feel guilty? You should treat the decision with respect and not as a form of contraception (my opinion), the guilt thing isn't even optional, you either feel it or you don't. But now because they have been able to move on they act like we've done them a disservice! Just what is your point then?

As for telling your boss to see his reaction, well that's a bit shit too. Some things are meant to be private. When one of the mums developed breast cancer at the school she didn't discuss it with all and sundry because it was private for her and her family. same with abortion. It's a private matter between you, your partner and your family. Why would you feel the need to tell everyone else? Just to gauge their reaction? To try to get some sense of shock so that you can feel justified that you are indeed a victim of prejudice?

Abortion is legal and is now widely accepted in the UK. But it almost feels that some women on this thread want to be criticised for it so they can rant about their rights. in that case perhaps they do have issues after all.

Threads like this detract from the serious issues surrounding abortion. It is not to be taken lightly and there ARE real victims of abortion who don't speak out because they feel they have let people down by feeling shame and guilt over something that is applauded to be a woman's right.

MIchaelaS, but pro-choice gives exactly that... CHOICE. It does not MAKE a woman have an abortion. A case of "it's there IF YOU WANT IT".

Most pro-lifers would, if they had their way would ensure that this choice is not there, whether women want it or not.

rhubarb0 abortion is not legal in Northern Ireland.

Hully I have read the thread - we all know though that, especially in IABU that many people respond to the op, not subsequent ones.
I was just highlighting why I think that this has turned into the bunfight it has.

I feel sad when I think of my termination. I don't regret the decision that I made at the time, I feel sad that I had to make the decision in the first place. iyswim.

I do feel shame though, in as much as I would not dream of talking about it in gereral conversation. I do talk about it with friends, if they ask, but wouldn't over dinner with acquaintances.
Not explaining myself very well am I?

"When one of the mums developed breast cancer at the school she didn't discuss it with all and sundry because it was private for her and her family."

And when I developed breast cancer I told all and sundry, so that it wasn't something that "we don't talk about, shh, it's private", not least because I wanted other women to know that those of us who are young and not in any risk category can get cancer too, and to encourage them to self-examine. My cancer, like abortion, was not s secret to be brushed under the carpet and my concerns were for other women and not just myself.

High quality kittenage there!!

Cute kids as well

Seen - I wasn't criticising you! Just making a little general joke about thread reading in answer to GetOrf's "if you'd read the thread"

Well said Rhubarb.

Thank you GetOrf for starting this thread, it has been interesting reading. In this morning's paper I had been reading this article so I was already thinking about how the anti-choice proponents seem to be (worryingly) in the ascendancy.

I do feel we are all being encouraged to think abortion MUST be traumatic; because that is what we get to hear. It is important to hear the other voices like your own. If enough people tell you you'll feel bad, you'll either feel bad or feel bad about not feeling bad. Lose-lose. Lovely analogy by the way kungfupannda, on the Little Mermaid. Striking and memorable. And oh so true.

And you explained yourself v well.

Rhubarb -

^^ See SeenButNotHeard's post above.^^

Who gets to decide what is and isn't a private matter?

What choice does a vulnerable pregnant teenager have when her parents are threatening to kick her out unless she has an abortion? Or the husband who threatens to leave his wife unless she terminates?

I don't think anyone has said that abortion comes with guilt. For some women it is the best thing to do. I'm glad GetOrf that you didnt' treat it lightly, your opening post does imply that you did and because this thread is fast moving, not everyone has the time to read your subsequent posts.

Farfalla I understand exactly where you are coming from, its a real rawness that you can't get away from. I remember being sat in the fertility clinic being told it was never going to happen, no babies for me (thankfully, they were wrong but thats another story). After that, every unplanned pregnancy I heard of seemed so unfair Why were people who didn't even want babies getting pg when I couldn't?! The unfairness of it used to to wash over me everyday, I felt helpless and angry.

That said, I do think that open discussion about real issues that affect many, many women ought to be had even though there will some for whom it just cuts too close to the bone. Otherwise, it just becomes even more taboo.

Aww fluffy kittens!!!

I WANT ONE

P.s. Your DD was a little cutie wasn't she.