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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

1000 replies

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:00

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/1222273-Chipping-away-at-abortion-rights-govt-appoints-Life-as-sexual-health-adviser

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

OP posts:
ChinnyReckon · 26/05/2011 14:20

Rhubarb, I think removing the stigma of abortion is important because it's something people dont talk about but a right we take for granted. Many, many women have had an abortion and dont talk about it; it's an 'unseen' right which makes it very easy for our access to it to be chipped away, as discussed in the thread linked to in GOML's OP.

Vallhala · 26/05/2011 14:20

I can't say I remember you I'm afraid, Rhubarb. Have you namechanged recently?

The big deal is that women often don't tell anyone/most people that they have had an abortion because they run the risk of being called a slut, a baby killer, a whore, a waste of NHS resources, of having their wider morals questioned, of being the victims of spite and vitriol behind their backs as well as to their faces...

But you can't seem to grasp what I'm saying so I'll give up now.

suzikettles · 26/05/2011 14:20

YANBU. I've been ttc for 2 years and no-one's wanted or unwanted baby makes my situation any harder or easier.

I cried last night when my friend told me she was pregnant. I wouldn't have cried any more or any less if she'd told me she was having an abortion.

There are plenty people out there who would like to shame/guilt women into keeping their babies. Plenty women who tell their personal stories of guilt and shame (and more power to them). Why should women who want to tell their stories of not feeling guilt or shame have to hide away?

Malificence · 26/05/2011 14:21

If you can't see the point of this thread rhubarb, why are you devoting so much time and effort into it?

The point of the thread is blindingly obvious, I have to say I'm quite shocked at some of the responses on it though.

limitedperiodonly · 26/05/2011 14:21

I don't understand why people who have had abortions and have no issues with it feel the need to tell everyone?

She's not saying she doesn't have an issue with it, rhubarb. Her issue is about being told to shut up about it.

SeenButNotHeard · 26/05/2011 14:21

I think this had the potential to be a really interesting debate, but the tone of the original post has, I think, made that impossible.

There was no talk initially of making a considered decision and it seemed that it was a decision that was made lightly.

Making a decision to abort ?lightly? can never be right can it?

I am not saying for a minute that I think that women need feel guilty. I have had an abortion. It was the right decision for me at the time.

I would not make the same choice now, for a variety of reasons.

openerofjars · 26/05/2011 14:22

I am TTC and have been for a while. I had a MC once. I have also had a chemical pg. I have a DS.

I have never had an abortion.

However, it's not actually all about me. It's about women's rights not to be made to feel like shit for taking control over their own fertility.

GOML, YANBU at all and I heartily applaud your OP. Thank you so much for putting this topic onto AIBU.

MoaningLisa · 26/05/2011 14:22

YANBU.
I also had an abortion last year that i do not regret. Me and DH made a unanimous decision to have a termination due to my health at the time.

I do feel sad in some ways that we did it but i look at my life now and think how would i cope. I could cope with 2 when DS2 was born. I had severe PND and was hospitalised due to Hyperemesis, i had the abortion at 10 weeks, i was 4 weeks when i booked it at the drs. i got my appointment straight away but for 6 weeks later!! and those 6 weeks were hell for me.

MoaningLisa · 26/05/2011 14:23

sorry not last year it was in 2009.

jeckadeck · 26/05/2011 14:23

YANBU. I think its one of the last taboos that women should feel depressed/guilty/eaten up about having had an abortion. In fact I just don't think its like that most of the time for most women, unless the abortions are for particularly sad reasons. I think unless there are particularly painful circumstances women are much better at rationalizing and compartmentalizing abortions than they are given credit for. That doesn't mean its easy or that women do it without great consideration and soul-searching, but its far from the soul-destroying, heart-rending experience some people portray it as. And feeling OK about having had an abortion doesn't mean you're not able to love children you have.

Original poster
GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 14:23

farfalla I am very sorry that you are upset by this thread, I do understand your viewpouint. But you understand that that is because of your opwne personal circumstance and that you would have felt differently last year.

Some threads do hurt when you are feeling a bit raw. I sometimes find those threads talking about mothers on mothers day are hurtful, because I don't have a mother in my life.

Oh that is a bollocks analogy I know, but you know what I mean ....

OP posts:
Hullygully · 26/05/2011 14:23

and it seemed that it was a decision that was made lightly.

The key word in that is SEEMED

TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 14:23

Because Hully, there are plenty of women who may never get over the trauma of having an abortion.
There are plenty of women coerced into having an abortion.

These are serious issues that should be talked about and discussed. NOT the needs of those who had abortions and don't really care. If abortion is treated so lightly then we are doing a huge disservice to the women I just mentioned.

limitedperiodonly · 26/05/2011 14:24

Getorf That was a bit presumptious of me. Maybe that's not your issue - it's mine.

Anyway thanks again for starting a much-needed debate

suzikettles · 26/05/2011 14:25

But where does the op say the decision was made lightly? You made that inferrence. Why? Because the op doesn't explicitly state how hard it was?

Why must the default position be that unless there is a caveat about what a hard decision it was, the angst, the sleepless nights, that it was taken lightly?

There is a rule: Abortion is ok as long as the woman punishes herself enough for it. It is ok to speak about it as long as that self-punishment is explict.

Hullygully · 26/05/2011 14:25

I see. But, abortion isn't being taken lightly. The point is that the decision to have an abortion, a decision NOT taken lightly, should not then result in guilt and shame.

ShirleyKnot · 26/05/2011 14:26

"There is a rule: Abortion is ok as long as the woman punishes herself enough for it. It is ok to speak about it as long as that self-punishment is explict."

Original poster
GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 14:26

SeenButNotHeard Thu 26-May-11 14:21:55
I think this had the potential to be a really interesting debate, but the tone of the original post has, I think, made that impossible.

There was no talk initially of making a considered decision and it seemed that it was a decision that was made lightly.

Yes you are right. I wrote the OP in a strop - it is bluntly worded, I have calmed down as the thread went on. Hoist by my own petard possibly. I have explained further in subsequent posts.

OP posts:
SockShitter · 26/05/2011 14:27

I do like kittens and scones.

Katiepoes · 26/05/2011 14:28

THIS thread is talking about the fact that not everyone struggles mentally after an abortion. Or does an abortion thread have to cover every possible angle in the one thread? I don't have any needs, I just don't see why I'm expected to feel a guilt I don't feel. Which is the point of THIS thread.

Original poster
GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 14:28

"NOT the needs of those who had abortions and don't really care"

I haven't said that I didn't care at the time. I said that I had no REGRET. Am I typing in Serbian or something?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 26/05/2011 14:28

GetOrf - you surely don't expect people to read the thread!

The idea

MichaelaS · 26/05/2011 14:29

Slightly off topic, but can anyone link something useful about Life joining the government advisory thing?

I thought that the existing government advice thing consisted mostly of pro-choice people. Surely that is biased, and it should also include pro-life people to give a fair view? Maybe i'm being naive or have missed something though.

Surely if you want advice about whether to do X, you don't just ask the people who get paid for selling / doing X but also the ones who say that doing X is not really a good idea?

farfallarocks · 26/05/2011 14:29

GetOrfMoiCase yes I do understand of course.
Probably should not have clicked on this thread at all to be honest

Original poster
GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 14:29

Katie I don't understand, mate.

OP posts:
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