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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

1000 replies

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:00

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/1222273-Chipping-away-at-abortion-rights-govt-appoints-Life-as-sexual-health-adviser

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 26/05/2011 14:42

Oh and very finally, has it been said clearly enough on here that there is a proportion of the anti bridage would LIKE you to think that you'll feel guilt and regret over an abortion in order that they can discourage you from having one?

I hope I've made that clear.

TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 14:43

Vall, would you have us all do the same? Respect those women who choose to keep it a matter between themselves and their families please. same with abortion. Your posts come across as though everyone should feel no guilt or shame whatsoever and it really is not that simple. I suppose you don't believe that some women are coerced into it.

It's not brushing it under the carpet, it's called 'dealing with it in the best way for you'.

TanteRose · 26/05/2011 14:44

Caitlin Moran wrote about this in the Times in 2007 paywall unfortunately

this is an important thread because it is hardly EVER discussed...Caitlin's piece in the Times was 4 years ago, and I have not seen anything in the papers since, really...

I can copy and post the whole article or send to anyone who is interested - it is very good

SeenButNotHeard · 26/05/2011 14:44

Thanks Hully

Vallhala - have I said something to upset you?

Hullygully · 26/05/2011 14:45

Seen - I think Val meant that your post explained why openness was important...but I'm sure she'll be along in a sec

noddyholder · 26/05/2011 14:45

Interesting but the thread title is crass and insensitive. You may not feel guilt or regret now but it may come back to bite you on the bum and you will have to deal with it at a later date(I did) so better to quietly thank the lord you are coping well with such a difficult decision but not count your chickens Smile

TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 14:46

hully - you do. However I don't want to be on the receiving end of someone discussing their external piles with me or telling me about the child abuse their grandchildren suffered (neighbours of ours told us that first time we met them in front of our own kids who then asked what child sex abuse was). You know what is and isn't appropriate to talk about. Something like abortion is a private decision that the woman MAY need time to recover from. If she chooses to tell everyone at the bus stop then fine, her decision, but I wouldn't force everyone to live by those rules.

TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 14:47

Agree with noddy.

Hullygully · 26/05/2011 14:47

Rhub, neither Val nor anyone else has said that.

The matter being discussed here is simple.

  1. The decision to have an abortion is very difficult.
  2. That decision, once made, should not result in guilt/shame.

Those that CHOOSE to speak out openly about it are both reinforcing that it NEEDN'T come with guilt and shame, and refusing to allow the creeping restriction over women's bodies that is a continual threat.

farfallarocks · 26/05/2011 14:48

Yorki thank you, you have summarised exactly how I feel and I do know that I am being oversensitive and unreasonable.
The alternative to free and easy abortion is totally unpalatable to me.

I am so pleased you managed to have a baby :)

wellamI1981 · 26/05/2011 14:48

Personally I don't think yabu to feel that way. I think yabu to start a thread on the way you feel. It would be the same as if someone started one saying they think abortion is wrong in all circumstances and that all women who had one should experience lifelong guilt: the OP would need to hide in a nuclear resistant bunker to protect her from the fallout.

rainyspells · 26/05/2011 14:49

OP - you may not have felt regret at the time or even feel it now but that doesn't mean it won't come with time.

Your original post comes across as slightly patronising and as though it's a good thing that you don't feel any shame or regret.

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 26/05/2011 14:49

Rhubarb - discusions about abortion don't have to be on your terms - the OP can discuss whatever she likes.
And as for who makes people feel like they should feel guilty - well you for one. You've jumped all over the OP because her honest appraisal is 'insensitive'.
There will be people who won't regret abortions, there will be people who do, there will be people who agonise over them and there will be people whose circumstances make it the obvious choice. Some people will feel sad - some relieved and they are all valid emotions and should all be able to be discussed.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 26/05/2011 14:51

Excellent thread and it is much needed IMO.

An elderly relative of mine told me recently that she had had an abortion when it was illegal, due to the breakdown of her marriage and anxieties about how she would cope. If she hadn't been able to abort she would probably have had to stay in the marriage (with an arse of a man) and made a lifetime of misery for her already existing DCs. She was very lucky to be able to have a hygienic, safe abortion, due to the fact that she was friends with a doctor who agreed to do it (risking his livelihood), and doesn't seem to regret it at all. She remembers it, of course, and thinks of it, but that's not the same. She knows why she did it.

Talking to people like her just make me so glad that abortion is legal and accessible (although horribly slow to arrange) in the UK, and so determined to prevent any rollback of this right.

PrisonerZero · 26/05/2011 14:54

Have only read the first couple of pages.

I had an abortion about 4 years ago (maybe closer to five, I can't remember) but don't feel any guilt or regret about it, I can't even remember what month of the year it was in. I had 2 DC already and knew it was the best/right thing to do. I am currently pregnant and read somewhere that this was a prime time for 'buried' emotions to catch up with me - but I hadn't given it a second thought until I saw this thread.

Wordwork · 26/05/2011 14:54

Good OP, good thread title. I'm glad it worked out well for you GetOrf. It must have been a hard decision to come to.

Malificence · 26/05/2011 14:55

There's a pro life rant kicking off in chat, I find that OP far more offensive than Getorf's.

Wordwork · 26/05/2011 14:56

I'm fairly shocked that GetOrf has been given a hard time for this thread. It just goes to show how necessary it is for statements like hers to be heard.

YorkieGate · 26/05/2011 14:56

Rainy "Your original post comes across as slightly patronising and as though it's a good thing that you don't feel any shame or regret"

Surely it is a good thing that she doesn't feel any shame or regret? Surely that point to the fact that she was an informed woman, who made the right choice for her and that is a choice that she is at peace with. Isn't that the best outcome for her?

Should she feel guilt? Ought she regret it? No, because what is right and proper for one woman is the wrong choice for another.
Surely the best we can hope for is a system where every woman can make a choice (whatever that is) that leaves her knowing she did the best thing for her circumstances.

porcamiseria · 26/05/2011 15:00

I think this had the potential to be a really interesting debate, but the tone of the original post has, I think, made that impossible.

could not agree more

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 26/05/2011 15:02

YANBU.

PinotGrigiosKittens · 26/05/2011 15:03

Think you've explained yourself in the successive posts beautifully, GetOrf.

PinotGrigiosKittens · 26/05/2011 15:03

subsequent not successive. Dope.

noddyholder · 26/05/2011 15:05

I think it is fine to feel that way. I think I did for years and years I just never really felt bad or any other emotion about it. I am very much pro a womans right to choose this path but I think the emotions can change when you least expect it and shock you to the core.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 26/05/2011 15:10

rainyspells
Your original post comes across as slightly patronising and as though it's a good thing that you don't feel any shame or regret.

Are you suggesting that we should feel shame and regret?

Me, I regret getting pregnant (for various reasons) and somewhat ashamed that I let it happened - but not an ounce of regret for deciding to have a termination.

I did have a bit of a rough time after (not helped by the expectation that I should feel grief, guilt or whatever).

Actually thinking back I'm rather proud of myself for taking control of the situation.

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