Bored by full-time motherhood

[boredtodeath]

I was made redundant last year after 12 years in a very demanding job. I decided to view it as a positive thing (I got a decent redundancy package so was not in financial dire straits) and throw myself into finally having time to be with my children aged 6 and 2. The only trouble is that I am unspeakably bored. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just a horrible mother? I adore them both but I feel like the household maid rather than the Mary Poppins-esque woman I had hoped to be. Where am I going wrong? Is there anyone out there who feels the same?

Wow, for teh most part a very constructive thread with lots of people being respectful of others' experiences and views. Must be a first for an SAHM thread in AIBU! :) One thing I don't think anyone's mentioned so far is luck. For the most part, I found it really hard to make friends with the women I met while on maternity leave - not my fault, not theirs, we just didn't click. In contrast I've really hit it off with quite a few of the parents at DS's nursery. And I've seen one poster on another thread who had the opposite problem - after a happy maternity leave, she couldn't do the school gates thing in a new town. And friends of mine who've been happy as SAHM mothers mostly seem to have a really good friendship circle behind them, so their days aren't just an endless round of housework and toddler games, they include discussions of current affairs/ what they've been reading or watching on TV, mutual interests while their children play.

I also agree whole heartedly with the posters who've pointed out that historically and cross-culturally, the European/N. American model of isolated stay-at-home mother within a nuclear family is a very unusual way to raise children (and also, according to one anthropology book I read many years ago, for many women a very alienating way to live - the route to not being alienated by the experience seems to be to avoid the isolation, hence the importance of friends and headspace).

I really relate to posters who've said "how do you get head space with a toddler"? I have to join in with most of the games - whether it's lego, colouring, trains (all of which I enjoy) or racing toy cars across the carpet (which I detest) in the 3 days out of 7 I'm at home.

llf, i accrued an incredible amount of information about cars when my youngest was at home - shapes of wheel arches, top speed and horsepower of various "super"cars. then he moved on, lost interest and, c'est la vie, i'm left floundering in his wake with a head full of useless and boring car info.
i do agree that one of the reasons i find sahm-dom satisfying and yes, fulfilling (although not totally, of course) is that, having an older stepdaughter, i already knew lots of parents, and there was almost a ready-made circle of witty, sexy, politically savvy mums to be with. so i guess i've never associated the role with martyrdom, or losing one's identity, or becoming less relevant within society. that is luck, yes.
re headspace - i just try to take it where i find it. as noted earlier, my house is a bloody mess! but i need to do what i need to do to make myself happy; to nurture and nourish myself so that i can nurture the sprogs. that seems obvious to me - i can't look after anyone if i'm not nourished myself.
sounding a bit hippy here...but it's common sense really.

Never understood why a man would keep a housewife if she doesn't keep house, though. Surely that's your side of the bargain as well as minding the children.

Met a mother in the park the other day. We cut to the chase and ditching the 'just met' formalities we discussed how shit it can be at home. We laughed and shared and off loaded. It felt revolutionary ffs. (Xenia will think that's nuts.)
But I wonder if the key to all this is changing peoples' opinions? Spreading awareness that it is actually a job, and hard graft at that. Feeling HEARD. hanging out with bright women. Supporting one another. If one chooses to be at home (or has it thrust upon her by circumstance) I mean. Also a lot of this seems to me to be about respect. We won't get thanks from the kids (nor from the other half) but to never be criticised or dismissed is a start.
I've had some humdinger rows with my DP over this. He had made a few too many 'helpful' remarks about the way the house should be run and I lost it. He's now treading very carefully with the attitude. I think unless you're at home with 3 small kids you don't get to see how unbelievably messy it gets and how self defeating it can be. I didn't really choose it. I was made redundant after second child born, freelanced for a while then had a third (unexpected) child. Since his birth I've had no time or energy to get back into it. And I'm slowly going mad. I'm making an effort to begin working again but frankly I'm exhausted and it is very hard pulling it out of the bag. So I get through these days with great friends, a handful of great women who can discuss these issues and with whom I can have fun (Pimms) with. Some days are easy and fun. Others are dark and gruelling.
We have choices, yes, but someone's got to raise them, no?

Hmm.

So you posted a thread in Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU)

and haven't worked out what You Are Not Being Unreasonable (YANBU) means.

Fair enough you are new to Mumsnet, but you haven't even lurked for an hour or two?

I don't know why, but I'm a little bit concerned about your job prospects.

Xenia - mine 'keeps' me because he loves me and he knows I want to be at home with the children and he would rather work so their mother can look after them instead of a childminder. I do what I can around the house but he does a lot too. He would rather I do things with the kids than bung them in front of the telly while I create a show home.

bibbity - what exactly are you on about? a load of random unconnected sentences. what does not having lurked or learnt the meaning of arcane acronyms have to do with job prospects?
this thread has been gentle, communicative, informative and, for the most part, very supportive and understanding.
could you perhaps just, um, go away if you only have inflammatory and overly personal comments to add?

I think we owe our fellow mothers honesty when we meet them. I had terrible problems breastfeeding, and it was only when I started telling people, they said they were too. Before that no one had mentioned it. Made me and the other mothers feel a lot better and less alone. Let's be frustrated loud and proud. It is hard, so let's help each other

fellow mothers?oh go suck some falafel.there is no fellow mothers.its not a hippy commune.no one owes anyone any nuggets of anecdotal wisdom.

as thread attests
same are bored shitless as sahm
some love sahm

Well if you think a human being's worth is sought in the money they earn and the targets they reach. If the exspanse of material possessions is a measure of success rather than loving and being loved.

This is a capitalist issue not just a feminist one. I find this thread quite abhorrent in places. Not that a mother would find raising children stressful and boring at times but the suggestion that sahms must be 'pasting on the smile and waiting for wine o'clock'

After an abusive childhood I find immense fulfillment and happiness in being with my children. I couln't give a shit about the size of my house, the career ladder or whether people think I am boring or not. Capitalism did not find me happiness. People do, my family.

I have interests outside my children. I write, I read a lot. We are conditioned to believe that we are not valued if we do not get paid. Capitalism promoted individualism which in turn has made motherhood more lonely - long hours at home with small children is demanding.

So Xenia a woman can feel powerful and have self respect and dignity without owning an island. To be able to stroke my son's brow and embrace him when he was ill and frightened and to show them how to grow their own vegetables and cook delicious meals gives me more joy than all the islands in the world.

Im a stay at home mum and I like it.

You need to go out and join some kids groups, and speak to other mums and have a good natter and laugh whilst they play. Arrange play dates for both kids and get some new friends in the process.

Staying at home everyday is just silly, you will drive yourself nuts with boredom. Get off the sofa and go and enjoy your days.

I'm glad you all posted - I enjoyed reading this thread with all its different views and insights.

Personally I'd find it too hard being a full-time SAHM and I love being part-time. I get enough time with my DD but enough time to myself/my career as well. If you can get a part-time job & part-time child-care then I'd really recommend it.

Night night all.

iysithia, can i have you as my mum? you sound like the best of sahms - lovely and politically clued up, too. i think there might be a connection...

Yes, buit lys working faterhs and mothers adore that too. You can work full time, buy an isand or whatever you prefer or give to charities and all the other stuff you can do if you're a successful woman and also cuddle the child, breastfeed the twins, enjoy time with the chidlren.

Men know this balance is best and they lumber women with very unbalanced lives and a very few women who are mugs accepot the housewife slot. They usually come to regret it. If Mr Wonderful thinks he can run the house with 3 under 5 better give him the pinny and get youself into the board room. He'll soon get fed up.

OP -or those who relate with OP- do you compare life as a SAHM with life as a working mum or do you compare it with life as a single childless woman ?

There is a big difference and i think sometimes we grief for the era that has gone (life as a young woman and life before children) and adjusting to a new phase (life with children), and it is not about working or not working. The 'head space', identity, nostalgia etc are symptoms of having children, entering a new phase, having more responsibilities and ties (some of us didn't have mortgage when we worked before dcs) etc.

You're implying that a woman is not successful unless she works and earns Xenia?

Your arguments generalise and therfore hold no sway with me

I am not a housewife, or a mother alone. I am certainly no mug. I am not defined by any of these labels because I am a human being with all the complexities that go with that. My worth is based in my intrinsic humanity, my love and my ability to love, in a connection with nature. In striving to reach my potential.

My potential is not measured in what I own. Things, posessions after a point have no meaning. I have no opposition to women working and I do not believe a woman is a bad mother if she works. But I will not be labelled as a mug because I choose to find purpose outside the work place or because I don't have buckets of money.

Of course working mums soothe their children and read them stories. As long as a child feels loved and secure, a woman seeking fulfillment outside of the home is fine. I am not judging anyone. But I get so sick of the psychological projection that some working mothers subconsciously play out again and again. They snipe at non-working mothers because they dare to say that they have stayed at home to be with their children and because they genuinely find happiness and fulfillment in that.

And I will repeat that I said some working mothers because generalisations achieve nothing.

meh

Your definition of success is a very western and capitalist one Xenia. That works for some but causes misery and disillusion in others. You would do well to take that on board.

want to elaborate Rannaldini?

It's different for everyone.
people are different from each other. What fulfils one person doesn't another. It doesn't make them better or right.

The sooner we accept that the better.

Some people want to have their worth measured in £s and job titles as this equates freedom, equality, fun and a life to them.
Others measure their worth in things that are more outwardly difficult to define but are no less or more worthwhile.

Do what makes you and your family happy...imo

I would loath being a sahm I would be bored shitless. Like I am now, bed bound with flu, thank god for MN. I'm only part time at mo though.

this its only money a bit guru saag aloo and woo hoo
well thing is only money pays the mortgage,fills the fridge,pays the broadband buys the laptop,you get the picture.

and the actual practicality for most of us is pre-children we had a lifestyle and certain outgoings we want to maintain eg where we live,job,other outgoings. add children to the mix and thats an additional cost too. so for many of us the female job contribute to maintain and support the family. in addition to being a good role model,that mum has job and external approbation other than primarily housewife

of course satisfaction and self worth isnt solely derived from salary and job.but salary and self worth can also contribute to satisfaction and choices too.

and i do think its risky for female to take prolonged periods out of employment, but partner career goes stellar as he doesnt have to worrry about being back,pick up,appts, holidays as she has it all covered. that insidious assumption that child care is predominately women work

but just because a woman chooses to be at home with children doesn't mean that she has bought into the ideology that "childcare is predominantly women's work". - just as, if a woman chooses to ff, she has bought into the cultural myths about the oversexualisation of breasts, or "fallen" for the marketing of formula. both those arguments are offensive in the extreme.
and actually, it is "only money". i don't believe that many people, in summing up their lives (on their deathbed, say), would sigh "if only i'd made more money". they're surely far more likely to wish they'd spent more time with loved ones etc. anyone who chooses to have the pursuit of that as a defining characteristic of their lives is perfectly entitled to do that. however, anyone who uses the opportunity of being at home with children (and it is an opportunity, i believe, if you want it to be) to allow themselves to seek worth from other things, should also be entitled to do so without other people assuming that they're being preached to and therefore castigating the supposed "preacher".

I very balanced post scottishmummy and I agree with your points

But don't you think we do live in an image obsessed culture, where the accrual of possessions and beauty has for a lot of people brought anxiety with life?

I am not talking about paying the mortgage and feeding your kids. I like little luxuries too and I think any extreme thinking is 'woo hoo'. But it is a relevant theme and part of the human condition.

It is themes covered in films such as Fight Club and Fargo and has been written about in literature for centuries. If we intrinsically believe that we have to be successful and that idea of success is a western condition rather than a basic human need, then it leads to dissatisfaction and depression.

Just watching the Sopranos for the second time and this theme is covered beautifully.