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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to want to 'kill' my OH

127 replies

SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 11:26

Ok so I spend too much money. Ok so we have a fair sized overdraft. Ok so he works full time, and I only earn between £100-£200 a week. There I've been honest.

Yesterday, going through our finances my OH decides that we're completely broke. He then proceeded to clear all the funds out of MY bank account and transfer them to his, cut up MY debit and credit cards, and tell me he's going to give me an 'allowance' to do the shopping each week. I went absolutely ballistic. How bloody dare he?

I look after him, and I look after the house, and the children. We're all clean and tidy and well fed. Why the hell shouldn't I have the odd shopping trip every now and again?

Am I being unreasonable to believe that I am entitled to some money for myself?

OP posts:

ohfuckohfuckohfuckduck · 22/05/2011 11:27

Not at all. YOu should both have the same amount of personal spends after bills are paid

youmeatsix · 22/05/2011 11:28

"Why the hell shouldn't I have the odd shopping trip every now and again?"

because as a family, you cannot afford it??

comedycentral · 22/05/2011 11:28

To be honest, you spend too much money by your own admission. You both need to curb the spending, you both need to give up the treats until you are financially able to spend money on treats.

Snorbs · 22/05/2011 11:28

"Why the hell shouldn't I have the odd shopping trip every now and again?"

Maybe because a shopping trip isn't a right, it's a luxury? Particularly if you've got a big overdraft and you admit that you more money than you (as a family) can afford?

SenoritaViva · 22/05/2011 11:29

You sound spoilt and not committed to sorting our your finances. YABU and frankly I feel sorry for your DH. Is this a wind up?

2posh · 22/05/2011 11:31

You should learn to take responsibility. So far, it sounds like you have failed but DH taking control is not healthy either.

Have the same personal spend each, and you should agree in advance an amount you can afford. You should then have a joint account for EVERYTHING else - utility bills, food, childcare etc.

It's good your DH has given you a wake up call because being in debt is very very stressful.

purplepidjin · 22/05/2011 11:31

YABU, I'm afraid. It sounds like he's the one who will be slogging his guts out on overtime to pay off any debts you run up. Organising the family finances, while cutting your cards up might feel a bit drastic, sounds like very sound financial sense to me!

onebigchocolatemess · 22/05/2011 11:32

Because you are in debt and you have a family

its not just about YOU any more

you are a team, well done DH for taking the step to try and sort things out.

Agree with ohfuck that after bills are paid you should divide any 'extra' equally between the two of you

ccpccp · 22/05/2011 11:37

Posters who cant control their spending get their cards cut up.

Its pretty simple.

fatlazymummy · 22/05/2011 11:41

Well he wasn't entitled to clear the funds out of your account and cut your cards up.
However he is entitled to discuss the matter with you and expect you to adopt a more responsible attitude towards your spending. As other posters have said you are supposed to be an equal partnership.
So you are being unreasonable with your attitude. However I don't really agree with the way your husband went about it.

Original poster

SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 11:42

His pay goes into one account, and all the bills get paid from that - whatever is left is his. My money goes into my account, and I do the weekly shop and buy the kids clothes from that, and whatever is left is mine. It mounts up over a month and then I go out and spend it. They don't do without. Why is it unreasonable for me to spend my own money? I have access to his account as he has access to mine, but I've NEVER taken money from his before. Maybe I should.

Spoiled? PMSL. I wish!

OP posts:

Gargula · 22/05/2011 11:43

YABU to spend too much money when your family is struggling financially.

BUT YANBU to be royally pissed off with your husband's response which basically infantilises you and puts him fully in control.

jeckadeck · 22/05/2011 11:44

Need more detail to assess this: is your DH ultimately responsible for paying your credit card debts? if yes then I'm afraid them's the breaks. If you want to be responsible for your financial situation then you have to act responsibly and if you're p* away someone else's money on shopping trips you're not being responsible. As others have noted, a shopping trip isn't a right. How big's your overdraft? what are your credit card debts like?

If on the other hand your DH is trying to dictate how you spend your own money then this is out of order and he shouldn't have done this unilaterally. But I have to say you sound like you have a sense of entitlement which is unhealthy. People feeling they "need" shopping trips, "retail therapy" and the like, is half the reason that as a nation we have so much debt. Its thoroughly unhealthy and it sounds like you need to knock it on the head.

Pictish · 22/05/2011 11:45

Ok, tell the truth - do you spend a lot of money on frivilous things you do not need?

Be honest - do you have a wee spending/shopping problem?

TrillianAstra · 22/05/2011 11:45

Am I being unreasonable to believe that I am entitled to some money for myself?

That depends on whether there is any money.

I have a feeling that this isn't the first time that money has been the subject of a serious conversation.

rainbowinthesky · 22/05/2011 11:45

Sounds like you are in dire financial circumstances and cannot afford shopping trips.

stickytoffeepud · 22/05/2011 11:46

yes you are being unreasonable and he is taking control of the situation, which has just what has been advised on here many many times in the past (when the man couldnt stop spending of course)

you shouldnt spend what you cant afford and what is agreed between both of you

Hassled · 22/05/2011 11:46

If you're going to tackle this like responsible adults, and I think in a cack-handed way that's what he's trying to do, then you need to do it properly.
Get a spreadsheet going - it's not hard, especially as you can download online banking records into Excel. Work out what comes in, what goes out on D/Ds, mortgage or rent etc, what you want to stash for holidays/emergencies, work out what an average supermarket shop is. Then, if there's any left, you divide that between the two of you.

Your OH behaved like a bit of a tool, but I'm guessing this has been simmering gently for a while now. His motives are good.

FollowMe · 22/05/2011 11:47

Sounds like you've been spending more than you can afford and have run up debts that you can't afford to pay back.
Your dh is right to try and control the family finances if you can't stop yourself over spending!
Presumably neither of you will have any spare money to just spend on nice things until all the debt is paid back, not just you!

Gargula · 22/05/2011 11:47

I don't get the whole "your money" "his money" thing. I am a SAHM and husband works full time. All money goes into a joint account which we each spend as we choose.
So, in essence, he pays my credit card bills, shopping, mortgage, everything.
Are you seriously saying that this means my husband can totally control my spending and has the final say in everything financial?

Pictish · 22/05/2011 11:48

I too get the feeling that his pleas to call canny on the shopping trips have been ignored. Is this the case OP?

ChippingIn · 22/05/2011 11:48

What he did was wrong, there's no doubt about that. If he has a problem with the situation he needs to talk to you about it. If it's working as you said in your last post, why did he do what he did? I'm a bit confused? Had he already asked you to contribute to his (your) OD? What does he spend money on?

mushed · 22/05/2011 11:49

You say he pays the bills? Does that mean he pays your credit card bill? .. If so he can cut it up if hes struggling to pay it

atswimtwolengths · 22/05/2011 11:50

How much have you spent on yourself over the last three months? What did you buy?

How much has he spent on himself over the last three months? What did he buy?

How many times in the last three months has he told you that you're spending too much?

amberleaf · 22/05/2011 11:52

Cutting up the credit cards is a good idea.

The allowance when you earn your own money is a pisstake and is treating you like a child.

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