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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to want to 'kill' my OH

127 replies

SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 11:26

Ok so I spend too much money. Ok so we have a fair sized overdraft. Ok so he works full time, and I only earn between £100-£200 a week. There I've been honest.

Yesterday, going through our finances my OH decides that we're completely broke. He then proceeded to clear all the funds out of MY bank account and transfer them to his, cut up MY debit and credit cards, and tell me he's going to give me an 'allowance' to do the shopping each week. I went absolutely ballistic. How bloody dare he?

I look after him, and I look after the house, and the children. We're all clean and tidy and well fed. Why the hell shouldn't I have the odd shopping trip every now and again?

Am I being unreasonable to believe that I am entitled to some money for myself?

OP posts:

frantic51 · 22/05/2011 12:28

Haven't read the whole thread.

On the face of it, it does seem pretty controlling to clear out your account and put the funds into his. However, you say you have an overdraft? So, if there were funds in your account, the overdraft is on his? It makes perfect economic sense to lower the overdraft with funds from your account as, even if you have an interest bearing c/a you won't be earning anything like as much interest on your account as he'll be paying on his. Wake up and smell the coffee OP, you're in this together

Original poster

SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 12:30

Yes, I'm bloody angry. He took my cards out of my purse and cut them up without so much as a 'by your leave'. He told me I spend too much, when I spend less than I earn. Yes, I sometimes treat myself to a new top or a new pair of trousers, or I'll take the kids out to the cinema, or the theatre, or the bowling. But it's my money. I don't earn enough to put towards the bills as well...

OP posts:

CakenTea · 22/05/2011 12:31

You are not being unreasonable to think that you are allowed to spend money, but only if there is money left over after meeting all other commitments. That includes getting all your cards and debts paid off as a couple.

You need to write down everything that jointly comes in and goes out. Look at how much you spend on your credit card debt etc- is it minimum payments? Or is the balance actually going down? Make a plan for how much you can put on these each month to pay them off fully in a reasonable timeframe.

Anything left over should be your joint spending money. You should jointly agree what you will spend each, and stick to it.

Xales · 22/05/2011 12:34

A little confused with all this to be honest. Can you break it down more for us?

Who has the overdraft and why? If he is paying all the bills etc, spending what is left in his account on himself and running up an overdraft then he needs to look into his spending.

If you have an overdraft on yours how can you have any spare to go spend?

Did HE decide you are both broke or did you as a couple agree this?
So he is allowed any extra money from his account to spend but you are not allowed the extra from yours to spend is what he is telling you? And funnily enough all of your money for food etc or spare for you to spend is now all in his account for him to spend as he sees fit and you have to have an allowance?!?!?! Fuck that to be honest.

He has no right to empty your bank account, take your money and cut up your cards. If you pay off the credit card at the end of the month completely from your account well that is the best way to run it as you get the interest all month (what ever pittance that is). It sounds like you are actually aware of how much you are spending if you know how much is to go to pay off the card every month and what you have left over.

Change your banking password and details. Phone up the bank/credit card people and get yourself another card (you lost the previous one).

somersetmum · 22/05/2011 12:37

Work out your total household income, then work out what percentage of that your salary is and what percentage dh's is.
Then, let's say you earn 25% of the total earnings, then you should contribute 25% towards everything mortgage, bills, food, fuel, kids' clothes, etc and dh should contribute 75% of them all.

Then you can have whatever you've got left for personal shopping sprees.

Original poster

SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 12:37

Sorry have to go out and do my shopping now (he's come back and presented me with £100 cash) before the shop shuts. I'll come back later...

OP posts:

Xales · 22/05/2011 12:37

Wow sorry x posts with your last message. How dare he!!!

He has decided this? Unless you are racking up 100s or 1000s a month you are not telling us and it doesn't sound it if you have money left over he has no right. Even then he actually has no right to do anything with your account/bank card.

springbokscantjump · 22/05/2011 12:38

I think I'm really struggling with your idea that it's your money because it isn't. Otherwise you would need to contribute to the bills too - because if that's attitude he could rightly say well he'll only pay for half the bills as it's his money. Or refuse to pay for your clothes. You cannot both benefit from your dh being the main breadwinner but also refuse to share responsibility for family finances.

Me and dh were in dire financial circs a few months ago despite us earning good salaries. So I sat down and did the most fantastical spreadsheet you have ever clapped eyes on. Worked out a food budget that was reasonable (I gasped when I worked out what we spent on food!) and told dh that was it - he could either have the money in cash (so once it was gone it was gone) or we could do online shopping with a set amount on a card for top up food. I monitor our budget almost daily because really it is much better peace of mind than having a blinkered approach. we can also now budget in big spends and I feel so much better knowing that we can afford it.

kaid100 · 22/05/2011 12:40

Well, I think finances between couples need to be a point of discussion not an example of one-person-forcing-their-view-on-the-other, but I know that sometimes you do need to cut your cards up to prevent overspending. I think the division of financial responsibility was not ideal before, one new idea might be placing both your paypackets and monies in a joint account from which all bills are taken, and then making sure both of you get some money of your own afterwards, if there is anything left. You don't mention whether your husband previously had money to spare, and whether now he has changed things he has money to spare.

I think that if he now has money to spend on himself and you don't, YANBU.

If you both now have the same amount of money to spare, YABU.

FabbyChic · 22/05/2011 12:42

You cannot spend what you do not have, you don't have an overdraft that is not your money to spend.

You clearly have more than he has to spend and that is wrong, you need to budget more rather than spend spend spend.

it's good he has taken control.

Gay40 · 22/05/2011 12:42

See, to me you sound like a bit of a tit with money and your partner has tried to take action to stop it spiralling out of control.
I'd put money on the fact this is not a new issue between them.

Chloe55 · 22/05/2011 12:44

My dh and I are in a similar boat to you financially wise with the earning. I honestly can not remember the last time I bought new clothes, my £100 or so a week goes into the joint account and gets paid towards bill etc etc, I don't see it as my money for if I did then I guess dh would see his wage as being all his money which would leave me in a very difficult position!

Your dh did not have the right to cut up your cards without discussing it with you first but you do not have the right to a shopping spree with your money and expect your dh to cover everything else.

atswimtwolengths · 22/05/2011 12:47

If he's only paying fixed sums (ie bills) out of his account, how has he run up a big overdraft? Didn't he know when this system was worked out that his salary wouldn't cover the bills?

I think some clarity is needed here. You need to be able to look at each other's bank statements to understand where money is going. I feel, however, that he won't like that and that in itself would be very interesting.

ginmakesitallok · 22/05/2011 13:03

How did he manage to clear out YOUR bank account? First thing I'd do is complain to the bank, get the money back in and then order new cards. Then I'd sit down with him and have a discussion about family finances and agree how its going to work from now on

ThisIsANiceCage · 22/05/2011 13:17

I think there are two ways to semi-successfully run family finances.

You both have a good understanding of the family finances, income, bills and debts, and both can access the family money.
One party isn't involved in and doesn't understand the financial situation, and accepts an allowance from the finance manager and applies to them for unusual expenditure (holiday, builders, etc).

The disastrous, but apparently common, combination is:
3) one party doesn't understand the financial situation but can freely access the family money.

OP you're in the situation (3): you don't know how much the overdraft is, but your DH picks up the tab for your clothes and all but the food and children's spending.

It's hard work, but I think you have to chose which of (1) and (2) you'd prefer.

hairylights · 22/05/2011 13:53

Yabu and an irresponsible member of your family if you spend more money than the family has.

Any "spare" should be used to pay off the family debts, bot on shopping sprees.

hairylights · 22/05/2011 13:55

And btw. He's a grown man and shouldn't need "looking after"

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/05/2011 14:20

OP, your overdraft costs, you know. You don't say how much you have on your credit cards but the interest can quickly mount up and then you have to pay that every month on top of the original amount.

Why did your husband cut up your debit card though? Don't you need that to do the family shop?

In your position, I think I'd work out, with my husband, what all of the debt is (excluding mortgage), work towards getting it all reduced to NIL and then working out a budget for frivolity spending at the end of each month if you both want.

The country's still in recession and jobs are not easy to come by if they are lost. I wouldn't be persuaded to rack up your debts to the max because you have no cushion then if your circumstances change beyond your control.

Original poster

SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 15:03

Okay - I've been looking into this a bit more. As far as I was aware his pay was more than enough to cover the mortgage, bills etc. It always has in the past. We both have full access to the others accounts, in case of emergency, but have never felt the need (at least I haven't) to 'check up' on the other. I have trusted him, as I thought he trusted me.

However, I have just gone into his account to see if I could work out where this overdraft has come from...

And I found several payments to paypal. My immediate thought was what the hell has he been buying on ebay. So I logged into paypal. The payments have all gone to facebook. When I asked him it turns out he has been buying facebook credits, to buy gold bars and coins for bloody facebook games! I totalled up the paypal payments and they come to more than £600!!!!! No bloody wonder we have an overdraft!

So I've taken a leaf out of his book. I have closed down his paypal account, and changed his password and deactivated his facebook account. Crikey, that's something I'd expect from a child, not a grown man. I've also printed out a list of our direct debits. I think I will be taking more of an interest in our monthly accounts from now on.

Thanks all for your comments - some of them have been very insightful as to how your minds work; some of them have been very helpful; some of them judgemental. But all of them welcome as they've given me ideas to work on.

OP posts:

Pictish · 22/05/2011 15:05

Just

ThisIsANiceCage · 22/05/2011 15:17

Wow. Just wow.

Very well done for getting a grip on the situation. And good luck for what are clearly going to be some heavy conversations in your household.

Xales · 22/05/2011 15:19

I know I am a stirring bitch but I would be ripping him a new one. How dare he treat you like a silly spending child when he has run up a £600 overdraft this way! I would be taking his cards out of his wallet and chopping them in front of him. He needs to go without and have an allowance until he has cleared off this debt not you.

Get the money to clear the credit card at the end of the month back out of his account otherwise all you are doing is transferring his overdraft and stupid spending to you when you have to pay it at the end of the month.

Then sit and have a very serious chat with him about how he treats you!

Get on the phone tonight/first thing tomorrow and get your cards reordered.

PoweredbyTea · 22/05/2011 15:20

I still think there is more to this than we have heard from you OP!

SecretNutellaFix · 22/05/2011 15:27

So he runs up the debt, sees you have enough in your account to cover some of the overdraft- which is where the household food shopping and children's expenses are coming from- and steals everything in it?

Fucking hell- if mine did that, the bastard would be under the fucking patio!

PenguinArmy · 22/05/2011 15:37

I can't believe how many people came on here and told you YABU

You gave no info to say you had been reckless and even if you had, DH should have sat down with you and all the calculations and you came to a new agreement on the budget. How dare he just announce your new 'allowance' and take the actions he did. I'm guessing with hindsight he was trying to cover his actions.

Is it time for your incomes to be combined, budgeted and personal money spilt up and sent into personal accounts (he could have a reduced one in order to pay back his debt)

DH doesn't like to deal with the details, but I always explain every budget I come up with to him and when he sorts out paying all the bills as I hate that part. I also try and do a monthly audit to look at how much we actually spent (it's easy to overspend and not realise) and also helps us to change the budget if it's clear that some things aren't working out anymore. 3 accounts, one for bills etc, one personal each. We receive the same personal (although DH's used to be minus the sky bill as I didn't want it)

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