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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to want to 'kill' my OH

127 replies

SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 11:26

Ok so I spend too much money. Ok so we have a fair sized overdraft. Ok so he works full time, and I only earn between £100-£200 a week. There I've been honest.

Yesterday, going through our finances my OH decides that we're completely broke. He then proceeded to clear all the funds out of MY bank account and transfer them to his, cut up MY debit and credit cards, and tell me he's going to give me an 'allowance' to do the shopping each week. I went absolutely ballistic. How bloody dare he?

I look after him, and I look after the house, and the children. We're all clean and tidy and well fed. Why the hell shouldn't I have the odd shopping trip every now and again?

Am I being unreasonable to believe that I am entitled to some money for myself?

OP posts:

ccpccp · 22/05/2011 18:34

"I'd disagree that my husband has the luxury of choosing to be a prick - not if he wants to keep it anyway!"

I suspect you are an excellent negotiator karmabeliever :)

fedupofnamechanging · 22/05/2011 18:38

DH and I seem to be getting along okay, so far

Tsil · 22/05/2011 18:38

I know a few men that get into trouble with money and then try to hide, it seems to be the ones whose wife's do not take an interest in the finances and so the men don't feel like they can tell them.

One guy I know stopped paying his mortgage and his partner didn't find out until the letter evicting them from the property came through the post. Luckily they managed to sort it before they lost the house.

Moral of the story to me at least is that finances are a shared issue within a marriage/relationship and should be shared as such.

goingmadinthecountry · 22/05/2011 18:47

I'd be mad as hell with him. My dh earns loads more than me and always has, but one of us has had to look after the children. He works away a lot and I have extra child care duties as a result, having 4 children.

OP, I agree with the others who say get him taken off youraccount. In your position I'd need to be in total control of at least one small pot of money.

loverboys · 22/05/2011 18:47

if youre overdrawn is he just not trying to "reign in" the finances so you guys dont get into real financial trouble? you got to admit everything is going up! was in tescos just today and so many items have increased!!!!! very scary times

SecretNutellaFix · 22/05/2011 18:49

loverboys- the account that was overdrawn was the OH, NOT the OP. He stole the money from her account to cover it up! OF course the bastard is wrong.

loverboys · 22/05/2011 19:05

oh i see, well that is mean in my book. sorry if i misread you. hmmmm. i guess it boils down to what is his long term plan? is he taking over paying for ALL the bills now?

dot1980 · 22/05/2011 19:10

i think you are not one bit spoiled , as long as your children are well looked after there is nothing whatesoever wrong in treating yourself now and again you deserve it , its a hard job being a mum , a wife , home maker etc its your right to enjoy some "me time spending "

oldraver · 22/05/2011 19:29

So because HE says you are spending too much its right ? You dont know how much the overdraft is so I assume its on his account ? the one that he gets to spend whats left but is now overdrawn ?

Maybe the OP is spending too much but how much is he spending ?

Original poster

SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 20:19

Okay, I've taken over lol

I have worked out all the monthly payments that go out of the main account (note I'm not calling it his account any more). When he gets paid we will leave enough in the account to cover the months payments + some to pay off the overdraft. The rest will get transferred into the secondary account, along with my money. What is in there will be used for food, clothes and any small treats - there will be no more spending on anything else unless the other person is consulted. And that includes me.

He's agreed that we need to work together now, and that we both know what is going on. He reckons he didn't realise how much he's spent through paypal until he saw the overdraft, and then he panicked because he knew I'd go mad. He tried to cover it without me realising, and if he'd just told me he needed to transfer money over, and hadn't gone in so heavy handed he'd probably have got away with it.

So, crisis over, apart from the overdraft we need to pay back. It'll take a few months but that will be sorted. I've ordered new cards for me, and I managed to do my shop for well under the £100 I had in my purse. Sorted.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 22/05/2011 20:27

Glad you've been able to sort it out between you.

I am not surprised that his behaviour was to try and cover him up being so silly with FB, a real deflection of the blame going on!

ThisIsANiceCage · 23/05/2011 00:58

Phew! So so glad for you both.

SouthStar · 23/05/2011 01:18

Well as you have said you have a fair size overdraft, its not yours or his money to spend at all..... you are spending someone else's money that you have you pay back.

Id be pretty annoyed if my dh went about it that way but would you have agreed to it if he brought it up in conversation?

Maybe you should be more concerned about the fact he felt he had to go to these lengths in the first place instead of you both coming to some sort of an agreement!

SouthStar · 23/05/2011 01:20

Sorry I missed the last page out so didnt read your end result.

Hopefully next time he will talk things like this through with you first instead of doing something so drastic.

differentnameforthis · 23/05/2011 01:23

Why the hell shouldn't I have the odd shopping trip every now and again?

because by your own admission, you spend too much & you are in debt!

That affects the whole family, not just you! I look after my dh, our kids & the house, yet I know that I can't spend what I like, when I like. We don't have an overdraft & we don't have huge debt, because we are careful with what we spend, which means no 'odd shopping trips'.

But I guess it depends what your priorities are. Ours are being as debt free as possible.

I agree that he used OTT tactics, but you don't tell us what previous methods he you have gone to to rectify the overdraft.

differentnameforthis · 23/05/2011 01:53

Maybe he has the overdraft because he has been trying to juggle the bills etc out of one wage, because you don't contribute to the bills, because you have no money left to do so?

Instead you use 'your money' to buy clothes for yourself or the children (I don't get this, my kids haven't needed new clothes for months, why do you need a weekly amount attributed to this!

If you stop spending so readily, maybe you can both work to clear the overdraft & have a little extra for yourselves.

differentnameforthis · 23/05/2011 02:01

So with that update from op (re the facebook) you have decided her dh is now in the wrong?

But how is his spending money (they don't have) on fb any different from her spending money (they don't have ) on clothes/bowling/cinema?

They are both to blame, they are in a rotten mess with finances & they need to sort it now. Put the money together, stop buying things you don't need & spending on fb & pay off the overdraft like adults.

I bet OP & her dh have spent pretty much the same, on their separate interests!

fedupofnamechanging · 23/05/2011 07:45

His spending is different because he's run up a £600 overdraft, whereas the OP has not. Yes, she is spending money, but hasn't gone into overdraft to do it.

Her husband has run up the OD, then accused his wife of overspending with the express purpose of raiding her bank account to pay the debt that he ran up. He cut up her cards in a high handed manner to actively prevent her from finding out what he had done.

The OP says earlier that there was enough money in the account he managed to pay the bills. She was taking responsibility for food and clothing and did it without incurring debt.

This idea that the OP was the one overspending was a red herring as it turned out her husband was the one with no idea of how much money he'd actually wasted.

If he was mine, I'd have made a purse out of his bollocks for that little stunt.

frantic51 · 23/05/2011 07:58

Ah, I see now, it all makes sense. I thought I was the only woman on earth still living in the dark ages wrt organising family finances?! OP you have done exactly the right thing in taking control. I hope your DH will allow you to continue in this vein until you are financially square again and that you take joint control/responsibility going forward.

I am exactly where ccpccp envisioned OP might be if her DH decided to divorce her. It's no fun, I can tell you!

differentnameforthis · 23/05/2011 08:13

But how do we know what the op has been spending? How do we know that her dh hasn't been putting money into her account to keep it out of trouble & to enable her to have money to spend/pay her cards with?

We don't!

SardineQueen · 23/05/2011 08:18

How do we know the OP hasn't made up the whole thing?

We don't.

All anyone can do is post based on what the OP says. The OP has said that the money went as her DH was spending hundreds on facebook, and panicked and tried to cover what he'd done by behaving like a complete arse with the OPs accounts.

Sounds pretty reasonable to me. I think she has dealt with the situation very well, and am pleased that they have talked about it properly and come to a really sensible solution. It's good.

WeirdAcronymNotKnown · 23/05/2011 08:34

"Yes, I sometimes treat myself to a new top or a new pair of trousers, or I'll take the kids out to the cinema, or the theatre, or the bowling. But it's my money. I don't earn enough to put towards the bills as well..."

Ok, tha Facebook thing is bloody ridiculous and I'm not surprised you're mad, but FFS, the above paragraph shows that you are really immature! You need to contribute to the bills not go to the sodding theatre!

SardineQueen · 23/05/2011 08:44

Interesting that after the man has been shown to be utterly irresponsible with money, and reacted by being totally unreasonable to his OH, people are still dead set on it all being her fault!

fedupofnamechanging · 23/05/2011 08:51

The OP was contributing to bills. When she and her dh divvied up the responsibilities, he got the household bills and she got food, clothes and treats for the kids.I don't think it's unreasonable to take your kids out for the occasional treat if you know your husband has enough money in the bank to pay the bills. Lots of people would consider occasional treats for the kids as a legitimate family expense. I know I would. I can't afford foreign holidays at the moment but I can manage the odd trip to the cinema. The OP didn't know her husband had been overspending when she did these things, so the problem is more that they hadn't shared info fully.

I'd be reluctant to give up treating my kids because my fuckwit of a husband had spent £600 on fb.

McPie · 23/05/2011 09:14

The set up they had required trust that they would not spend more than they had available and put day to day running of the household at risk. The OP's OH broke that trust and blamed her for everything making her question her spending. This has nothing to do with what she spends on clothes after she has fed and entertained their children but that her OH cannot control his spending and now the whole family will have to pay for it. He deserves to have financial control removed until the overdraft is paid or until the OP can trust him with their money again after this childish stunt.

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