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AIBU?

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Original poster

... to want to 'kill' my OH

127 replies

SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 11:26

Ok so I spend too much money. Ok so we have a fair sized overdraft. Ok so he works full time, and I only earn between £100-£200 a week. There I've been honest.

Yesterday, going through our finances my OH decides that we're completely broke. He then proceeded to clear all the funds out of MY bank account and transfer them to his, cut up MY debit and credit cards, and tell me he's going to give me an 'allowance' to do the shopping each week. I went absolutely ballistic. How bloody dare he?

I look after him, and I look after the house, and the children. We're all clean and tidy and well fed. Why the hell shouldn't I have the odd shopping trip every now and again?

Am I being unreasonable to believe that I am entitled to some money for myself?

OP posts:
LeQueen · 22/05/2011 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xales · 22/05/2011 16:19

Read the op latest posts LeQueen her OH has run it up on facebook games not her at all!

hairylights · 22/05/2011 16:32

She did say she sounds too much and then days they are in debt. I think it's fair to assume a connection.

hairylights · 22/05/2011 16:32

Spends, not sounds.

Pictish · 22/05/2011 16:34

Yeah I too am sorry I got it so wrong...but the OP did allude to her being the one at fault.

I do know a couple of women with little shopping habits too....and I find their behaviour embarrassingly childish and spoilt. It's a peeve of mine.

Apologies OP x

ccpccp · 22/05/2011 16:39

"I still think there is more to this than we have heard from you OP!" - PoweredbyTea

Absolutely.

Adding up his facebook payments is a bit tit for tat OP. Particularly when HE is the main earner and clearly contributing considerably more than you to the household.

I note you havent been specific about how much of your £200 per week goes on cheap tat.

Good luck dealing with your OH when he finds out what youve done to his accounts. I think they call it 'biting the hand that feeds you'.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/05/2011 16:50

ccp you seem to think that being a SAHP or being the lower wage earner means that the main earner is doing the SAHP a favour by supporting them financially. That is not true. In a family, kids need to be looked after and money has to be earned and generally a couple divvy up the responsibilities to suit the family as a whole. My husband certainly wouldn't have the career he does, if I wasn't here taking care of everything else. He'd be unable to travel and work the hours that his job demands.

OP, I'd go ballistic if my husband spent loads of money on fb shit and and then did what your's has just done.I'm with the poster who said the fucker would be under the patio. He is treating you like a child. I think that one person only has the right to control all of the money if the other person is a gambling or drug addict.

Re order your cards, get his name off your bank account, get your name off his so you are not liable for his fb debt and have a proper sort out of your financial situation. You must take more of an interest as family finances affect you both.

PenguinArmy · 22/05/2011 16:55

I'm the only earner in our relationship (DH is a SAHD) and I would never think that means I should be controlling over DH, that I am the 'hand that feeds him', that I should have more say or that I should spend 'our' money on facebook non items. Nor does he think (when he was outearning me) that he should have any of those things. How offensive (and :( that so many people seem to think that way)

EggyAllenPoe · 22/05/2011 17:07

exactly penguin - the 'he earns the money , he can spend it how he wants' thing just isn't ok within an equal marriage - earning themoney doesn't men you can be a selfish arse and disrrgard your responsibility to provie for your family.

The op should not have been treated that way. they should have worked out what they were spending money on that they needed to cut out togther - obviously it turns out he would have been rumbled at that point, which is why he just behave like a twat.

still, i probably wouldn't have acted as the op did on discovering that - wouldn't it be better just to have it all in the open now (and ahem, express your feelings about his behaviour) and stop the unilateral action?

MigratingCoconuts · 22/05/2011 17:09

I'm the same as you Penguin and I completly agree. i am quite shocked that any money coming into a family is not considered the joint responsibility/ownership of the H and W. After all, you are a united partnership, with equal standing, right?

ccpccp · 22/05/2011 17:13

"ccp you seem to think that being a SAHP or being the lower wage earner means that the main earner is doing the SAHP a favour by supporting them financially."

Yep. Get down to basics and this is the truth of the situation, and why normally the SAHP is on the back foot in any financial argument. Its why threads like this exist.

Right or wrong, OPs OH holds all the cards in this argument, because he is financially independant. OP is dependant.

If he divorces OP becasue of her account sabotage, then of course a court will weigh up her contribution in financial terms and he will have to pay. But not until, if he so chooses.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/05/2011 17:25

I don't feel on the back foot in my marriage. Our money goes into our joint account and we spend it. If I was married to the sort of prick who took the view that it was his money and my contribution (childcare etc) was worthless, we wouldn't remain married for very long.

I'd say I am doing my DH as much of a favour by being a SAHM as he is doing me a favour by going out to work. We each get to do the thing which suits us best while knowing that the other person is taking care of the thing we'd prefer not to do. Our assets are jointly owned and we view our contributions as of equal importance to the smooth running of our lives.

Pictish · 22/05/2011 17:29

CCP - what slaver you talk.

SardineQueen · 22/05/2011 17:31

Good luck OP Smile

Your DH has behaved atrociously.

ShavingGodfreysPrivates · 22/05/2011 17:32

What games did he spend it on?

If it was Gardens of Time or Zombie Lane then I'd forgive him - you can never get enough gold in those games

If it was something shit like Cityville though I'd smash his face in.

rookiemater · 22/05/2011 17:35

One can spend money on Facebook Shock Shock Shock

rookiemater · 22/05/2011 17:37

Sounds like pot and kettle here. You both need to have a sit down and prioritise essential spending and then figure out whats left from there, then you each get a little bit of frivolous spending money if the budget can stand it. However spending money to buy gold monkeys or whatever it is on Facebook is frankly bizarre, and spending over £600 is utter madness. Some people shouldn't be allowed to have credit cards.

MigratingCoconuts · 22/05/2011 17:40

well said Pictish!

If this is the case across the country then I question what marriage appears to be about in so may homes in this day and age

CarGirl · 22/05/2011 17:41

Sounds like you both need to jointly sort our your faces.

What he did was completely unreasonable unless you had a spendaholic problem, you have in affect treated him the same way. I hope you both talk about it properly and it doesn't just descend into a huge fight Sad

Our money is our money regardless of who earns it but we are both reasonable/frugal so I don't think we've ever had rows about money.

ccpccp · 22/05/2011 17:45

"If I was married to the sort of prick who took the view that it was his money and my contribution (childcare etc) was worthless, we wouldn't remain married for very long. "

You can respond to him being a prick by leaving if you choose, but it doesnt change the fact that he has the luxury of choosing to be a prick.

MigratingCoconuts · 22/05/2011 18:00

ccpccp...seriously, do you need a torch?

It must be really hard to see back there in the dark ages....

Pictish · 22/05/2011 18:18

Hahahaaaaa!!

ccpccp · 22/05/2011 18:22

Dark ages? This isnt some men vs women thing. There are plenty of SAHD who are dependant on their wives, and equally as weak in their negotiating position once the gloves come off.

Marriages fail and so do nice financial agreements that make everyone feel valued.

Is trashing your partners facebook/paypal account a 'gloves off' event though? No doubt the OP will be back soon to keep us updated.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/05/2011 18:30

I'd disagree that my husband has the luxury of choosing to be a prick - not if he wants to keep it anyway!

The OP shouldn't have let her DH get away with this shit for fear of him cutting off her money - apart from the fact that he's already done so, a relationship based on fear and a feeling of inequality is not going to last 5 minutes or be worth anything.

MigratingCoconuts · 22/05/2011 18:30

your world is so bleak...I'm glad I don't live there.

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