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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to want to 'kill' my OH

127 replies

SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 11:26

Ok so I spend too much money. Ok so we have a fair sized overdraft. Ok so he works full time, and I only earn between £100-£200 a week. There I've been honest.

Yesterday, going through our finances my OH decides that we're completely broke. He then proceeded to clear all the funds out of MY bank account and transfer them to his, cut up MY debit and credit cards, and tell me he's going to give me an 'allowance' to do the shopping each week. I went absolutely ballistic. How bloody dare he?

I look after him, and I look after the house, and the children. We're all clean and tidy and well fed. Why the hell shouldn't I have the odd shopping trip every now and again?

Am I being unreasonable to believe that I am entitled to some money for myself?

OP posts:
icooksocks · 22/05/2011 11:52

I'd be pretty fucking pissed off if my DH did that to me, but then I dont have a spending problem.
If your DH has spent months trying to stop you blowing your money then maybe he's had enough and is trying to take control of the finances.

I also don't get the my money your money-all of ours goes in one pot-we are after all a family.

worraliberty · 22/05/2011 11:52

Swap the word 'overdraft' for fair sized 'debt' and there's the reason you shouldn't be treating yourself...

ccpccp · 22/05/2011 11:53

"Are you seriously saying that this means my husband can totally control my spending and has the final say in everything financial?"

If he wants the final say, then yes.

Its a common misconception that the wage earner has to share money with a SAH partner. If he earns it, he owns it.

Snooch · 22/05/2011 11:53

"Why the hell shouldn't I have the odd shopping trip every now and again?"

"Ok so I spend too much money"

That's why....

However, as somebody else posted, the way your DH went about trying to solve the problem was out of order - kind of like, "naughty girl, right I'm going to take away your toys now until you learn to behave!"

So I think you are and you aren't (being unreasonable). You definitely need to talk to him and let him know that you don't appreciate the way he's treated you, but that you're willing to work with him to come to some sort of arrangement which you are both happy with.

springbokscantjump · 22/05/2011 11:57

I'm guessing by his reaction that this isn't the first time he's talked about your spending. Perhaps he's feeling really frustrated that previous discussions has fallen on deaf ears?

Your response to him being really worried about your family finances is that you'll raid his bank account to continue going on shopping sprees. And you have to ask whether YABU?

TrillianAstra · 22/05/2011 12:02

You are a family.

All money should go into a pot to be spent on bills, rent/mortgage, food, child-related expenses, and saving up for less frequent expenses like car insurance etc.

After all of that, if there is any left, you should get equal amounts to spend on yourselves.

TheBride · 22/05/2011 12:03

I'm confused. Who's got the overdraft- you or him, or both of you?

PoweredbyTea · 22/05/2011 12:03

It's impossible to tell from your post really. My first thought was that it's absolutely outrageous that he should cut up your cards, particularly since you earn your own money too.

But then I thought that sounded so dramatic that it has the sound of an intervention about it. Are you sure you aren't in denial about how much you've been spending? You didn't mention credit card debt for example but then you said he'd cut up your credit card. Why would he do that if you don't use it? Maybe try thinking about this post from his perspective and then see if you still think he's unreasonable? But having said all that I still think you should have a debit card. If you've got to take care of children's needs I don't see how you can do that with no access to a bank account.

squeakytoy · 22/05/2011 12:04

Whose account is overdrawn?

If it is his, why are you not putting some of your money towards paying off your debt?

Believeitornot · 22/05/2011 12:06

If DH did that to mr I'd go mental.

ccp you're wrong. Someone doesn't become SAH on a whim - it's a joint decision. It's not about the earner "choosing" to subsidise the SAH partner. Although in this case the OP works.

You need to have a serious discussion about finances. Does your DH think you've caused the large debt? Then maybe you do need an allowance but it needs discussion first.

RunAwayWife · 22/05/2011 12:09

He has every right to tell you to stop spending if you are broke, grow up

stickytoffeepud · 22/05/2011 12:10

cutting up cards sounds like the actions of someone at the end of their tether

i think more to this than OP is letting on

EileenChildminder · 22/05/2011 12:12

Noooooooo I wouldn't raid his account - ever. That was a sort of frustrated jibe.

The overdraft is his. As I said my account pays for food and clothes for the children. His account pays for our clothes, and all the bills. I don't have a credit card apart from an Asda one which I use to buy the food and it gets paid off every month out of MY account. I have a debit card to get cash out of my account. I know how much I've spent on the Asda card (I use it to put diesel in my car cos you get 1p off per litre, and you get points on your shopping which adds up to vouchers at Christmas) so I know how much I have left in my account to use for other things.

I have no idea how he manages his account - he deals with all the bills, direct debits etc.

Pictish · 22/05/2011 12:12

I'd wager that too. the OP has gone very quiet.

I may nbe wrong, but I'm guessing there's a 'won't stop buying shite we don't need in manner of greedy child' situation going on here and her dh has had enough.

springbokscantjump · 22/05/2011 12:14

Um I think you may have used a different name on your last post - I'm not sure if that was intentional or not.

Original poster
SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 12:16

Yes I used the wrong bloody account. I'm useless at trying to hide things. lol

OP posts:
Pictish · 22/05/2011 12:16

You just posted in a different name.

In your last post you say you don't have any credit cards, but in your OP you said "He then proceeded to clear all the funds out of MY bank account and transfer them to his, cut up MY debit and credit cards,"

So which is it?

Original poster
SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 12:21

I've just said - the only credit card I have is my Asda one...

OP posts:
springbokscantjump · 22/05/2011 12:21

Is this your dh's first 'discussion' re your debts?

Original poster
SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 12:23

I've just asked him how I'm supposed to go and do my shop this afternoon with no means of paying for it.

He's now on his way up to the cash point to withdraw some cash for me, so that I can go shopping. I just hope I've got enough in my purse when I get to the checkout.

OP posts:
Original poster
SinceWhenDidYouCare · 22/05/2011 12:24

I knew we had an overdraft, I have no idea how much it is. He just said he wanted to talk about the accounts, told me what he was going to do to 'sort it' and did it.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 22/05/2011 12:25

If your DH is struggling to pay the bills and his overdraft is large then he needs some of your money in order to settle the bills. Before you spend cash on other things, the outgoings need to be settled. He should be showing you the overdraft amount, how you got yourselves into this mess, and why he needs help from your income in order to settle the bills. Maybe he hasn't gone about it in the right way, but you sound very aggressive, perhaps you aren't willing to listen and want to bury your head in the sand.

It sounds to me like you need to understand his reasoning and you both need to sit down together and discuss it rather than be angry as it won't achieve much.

SenoritaViva · 22/05/2011 12:26

When you do the shopping you will need to budget and add it up as you go, that way you will know that you won't be going over 'what's in your purse'. Many people manage their finances this way. If you struggle with keeping figures in your head then take a piece of paper or a calculator with you to help.

SenoritaViva · 22/05/2011 12:27

Alternatively what about shopping on line? I know it might not be suitable but then DH could give you the card for that and you can manage the money as you go (over budget, remove this etc.) before checking out.

Pictish · 22/05/2011 12:28

What Sinorita said. You have x amount to spend, so you spend x amount and no more. Not rocket science is it?

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