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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I could really kill my ex hubby right now

158 replies

taylor74 · 21/05/2011 16:49

Arghhhhhhh I'm so bloody mad right now. Every Saturday I drop my DD at her dads for the night. He's since remarried and got 2 step children. Anyway last week when I picked DD up she kept going on about Disneyland and the daddy was going and why couldn't she go. She got very upset thinking she had done something wrong. So I called him asking what was happening as DD was in tears. Apparently his step kids had said that they were all off to Disneyland without her. Anyway the ex said it was true but he could not afford for DD to go. So me and DH said well as she really wants to go we will pay for her to go. The ex agreed so I said work it out and we will give you a cheque on saturday. Anyway dropped her off today and asked him how much he wanted and he said we need to talk. Apparantly his wife doesn't want my DD coming with them and spoiling their "holiday" I'm just so angry. She had her heart set on it and no way can we afford to all go, it was a struggle to find DD money for the trip but we managed. What do I tell her now as he's to cowardly to say anything.

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 22/05/2011 10:46

Yeah, they really do.

If the other womans dc really don't lkie sharing with their step sister, it is up to the adults involved to facilitate a better relationship. With a lovely holiday to Disneyland perhaps?

Pictish · 22/05/2011 10:46

"Mum's been saving really hard to take us to Disney land and we're really excited about spending some time with our new step dad. Anyway HIS daughter has had a hissy fit about not coming with us and HE's caved in"

What the fuck planet are you on?? Confused

Original poster
taylor74 · 22/05/2011 10:47

As far as I'm concerned he broke his promise to my DD.
My DH will pick her up today as I will let rip if I do and I don't want to do it infront of my DD. So I will go over in the week and talk to the gutless wonder. I don't want to speak to her as right now I feel like smacking them both.

OP posts:
loubielou31 · 22/05/2011 10:48

Sorry Taylor, I hadn't read your update. Actually maybe my above "" "" isn't far from what they say except they are being whiney and selfish and they are used to getting their own way from their mother. In which case they should learn to rub along together.
Oh goodness new family dynamics are difficult and I do feel for your daughter and know that there is no easy solution.

prettyfly1 · 22/05/2011 10:48

loubie that is shite sorry. Why the fuck should non biological children be excited about spending time with another childs bio father and that be more important then his childs needs. Bullshit. If his child cant go neither should he - step children on either side are not more important then one another. Letting one childs needs take precedence over others on a blended family is not the way to make relationships easier and most of us from the step boards will tell you that way madness lies. These kids already get to live with this childs dad. She may well be being an utter nightmare for them - its really common, but it could well be motivated by a need for dads attention and competing with two children who already get more of her dad then she does. Excluding her from this particular holiday is a shite way to behave.

prettyfly1 · 22/05/2011 10:49

ahhh cross posts - that is a better interpretation loobie and makes more sense

Original poster
taylor74 · 22/05/2011 10:49

Oh and moms not been saving hard. My ex is paying for this holiday with his wife and stepkids. So it wasn't even coming out of her pocket

OP posts:
loubielou31 · 22/05/2011 10:51

Gosh this thread moves fast.

TheFeministsWife · 22/05/2011 10:55

WOW YANBU! I'm a stepmum and can't believe this woman! Shock What a complete bitch! My DSD doesn't come on family holidays anymore because she's 18 and going to Ibiza with her mates is much more fun. Grin She always came with us when younger though. Hell we've never been able to go abroad we only to go a caravan in Wales for a week but she'd still come with us!

prettyfly1 · 22/05/2011 10:57

taylor that is really bad. At the end of the day when families seperate children on both sides miss out - my dss often gets things my ds doesnt from his mum and vice versa, its the way of the blended world but this is the one time it shouldnt be happening. Is there anything you can do to make her feel a little better. She will grow up thinking rightly her dad is a tosser but protecting her for a while longer from that is a good thing - she doesnt deserve to go onto the angry merrygoround that comes from feeling not wanted by a parent. Are you able to plan a little hol for just you and her at all??

prettyfly1 · 22/05/2011 10:59

Thefeminist slightly uncomfortable with the focus of blame being on her - her DAD is the one who has made the choice, paid and backed it up. He is her FATHER and is the SHITE who deserves at least equal blame. Rotten pair. Even if the situation is such that taylors little one is being a mare she should know about it so she can be supportive and work it out.

Original poster
taylor74 · 22/05/2011 11:00

Well as my DD said last week I wish it was you and DH coming. Well that's the case now, it wont be til next year but she will be chuffed.

OP posts:
Fab123 · 22/05/2011 11:05

I think it's great that you now get to share the experience with her and your ex won't ever have that memory. Just think how much more it will mean to her looking back at the pics when she is a little older, knowing that you planned that trip just for her. She doesn't have to share it with her half brothers or go on the rides they want to - it will be her turn to be spoilt. She'll also probably get to go on more rides than them as boys will go on the same ones repeatedly and if one doesn't want to go it can cause arguments which waste time for queuing, etc. She's got the best option basically. Plus you guys can obviously afford more than he can if he can't afford to take her (even if it is at a pinch) so I expect she'll get more ice cream and extras than them anyway Wink. Personally I'd spoil her on this trip, take lots of pics of her with treats and send her over the Sat after to rub into their faces how much of a better time she had than they did Grin. But then I'm a little evil and annoyed by the OP at the moment....'tis an idea though :)

Original poster
taylor74 · 22/05/2011 11:09

Why you annoyed with the OP?

OP posts:
Original poster
taylor74 · 22/05/2011 11:11

Unlike him I'd never rub his face in it or rub those stepkids faces in it, I'm not that cruel.

OP posts:
Original poster
taylor74 · 22/05/2011 11:17

My DD is not the sort of child to rub anyone's face in it unlike his stepkids who take great pleasure in telling my DD what they've had etc.
This is the sort of girl my DD is, few weeks ago was sorting through old clothes etc for charity shop when she asked me what I was doing I explained well these don't fit you anymore so we are letting someone less fortunate than you have them. She went into her bedroom came back with toys saying well I dont play with these no more they can have these too.

OP posts:
Fab123 · 22/05/2011 11:50

Sorry, I meant I was angry at your DH from the story of your Original Post.
I know, it would be childish and your DD is clearly already of more sound mind than me. I just think a few pics of her with The Biggest Ice-cream In The World and a Disney Hat may be a memory they might not get. Yes, it's small and petty, but it's those images that last forever in the memory.

Fab123 · 22/05/2011 11:51

Argh! Ex Hubby - not DH. I may go back to bed...

Original poster
taylor74 · 22/05/2011 11:59

Yes Fab I do agree xxx

OP posts:
RunAwayWife · 22/05/2011 12:13

What a nasty nasty man and his wife is a bitch so he can pay for another man's children to go on holiday but not his own child, and to top it off he shuts her out of going all together.

What a truly nasty nasty family

RunAwayWife · 22/05/2011 12:22

I would (because I am a bitch) sit DD down and tell her that her Daddy is a very weak man he was not strong enough to stand by his marriage vows and he is not strong enough to be a good father.
His new wife is the sort of woman you hope you DD never grows up to be, the sort of woman who sleep with other women's husbands,
Her step sisters are vile and spiteful children who will most likely grow up to be like their motherand you DD would be much better having nothing to do with either of them

handsomeharry · 22/05/2011 13:26

Runaway Wife The man has made a mistake - it has not invalidated his entire relationship with his daughter. The daughter does not need any extra stress in her life.

She has a right to have a relationship with her father and not have it poisoned with spite.

Your idea of sitting the poor girl down is more about relieving the adult's feelings than thinking about the child's. Selfish and immature behaviour at the very least.

I find it ironic that you are hurling emotive language around about hate/vileness and spite whilst advising the OP to permanently damage her DD's relationship with her father over a holiday.

I think a bit of hysteria has set in.

Pictish · 22/05/2011 13:41

I agree again Harry, for all I feel striongly about this issue, I would never advise doing what Runawaymum suggests.

Bad advice there.

clam · 22/05/2011 14:06

I think your ex has behaved despicably. As has his wife. Although, you're surely not surprised about it are you?
I know this stinks for your DD, but would you really want her to go with them, knowing this is the way they all feel about it - and about her?
She'll have a much better time if she goes next year with you.
It must have been very hard to send her to his this weekend. Every fibre of my being would be straining to stop contact altogether, but I know that's not the "right" response.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/05/2011 14:25

Loubielou... That's ok, that would work. Ex husband just needs to plan it thus:

Holiday 1 to Disneyland, Florida: Worm + harridan + first class citizen DCs x 2
Holiday 2 to Disneyland, Florida: Worm + first class citizen DD x 1

If he can do that, that would be fine and dandy. :)