I could really kill my ex hubby right now

[taylor74]

Arghhhhhhh I'm so bloody mad right now. Every Saturday I drop my DD at her dads for the night. He's since remarried and got 2 step children. Anyway last week when I picked DD up she kept going on about Disneyland and the daddy was going and why couldn't she go. She got very upset thinking she had done something wrong. So I called him asking what was happening as DD was in tears. Apparently his step kids had said that they were all off to Disneyland without her. Anyway the ex said it was true but he could not afford for DD to go. So me and DH said well as she really wants to go we will pay for her to go. The ex agreed so I said work it out and we will give you a cheque on saturday. Anyway dropped her off today and asked him how much he wanted and he said we need to talk. Apparantly his wife doesn't want my DD coming with them and spoiling their "holiday" I'm just so angry. She had her heart set on it and no way can we afford to all go, it was a struggle to find DD money for the trip but we managed. What do I tell her now as he's to cowardly to say anything.

Brilliant hope you do all go and have a have a great time. I think it was a very selfless thing you did, not sure I'd have offered an ex the money to take our DD on holiday, especially as he has the money to take someone else's kids but not his own. Even if I did have the money to do so.

If only her dad knew how much pushing his DD away now will damage his relationship with her longterm. And by not including her in a family holiday he is pushing her away. His loss.

This is the behaviour of two disgusting pigs. Your poor DD. I hope ye have a ball on your own holiday

OP I wonder how your X will feel when your DD asks her Step Dad that is your H to walk her down the aisle at her wedding?

What goes round comes round and he will be the loser in the end, big style!

Good grief, how shocking! Your poor DD and you must feel awful too. What utter bastards your ex and his new wife are.

I went to Disney Paris earlier this year and it was fab. It is best your DD goes with you all.

Your ex should take his DD for a one on one trip.

Looking at it from another perspective, I love my brother, however he expects his partner to take care of his DD from an another relationship. In this circumstance I would fully appreciate his OH going mad.

Have a great time x

That's a horrible thing to do to your little girl. She is his little girl too and I feel that he should have paid half to take her as well, esp since he can afford to take somebody else's kids away too, as Saffy said.

I am a young mother, and my parent's couldn't afford to take me to DL as a child, which I was always distraught about it. Esp. as I saw a very close friend go and have the time of her life.

I hope your ex hubby is ashamed of himself.

And I really wish that your daughter's feelings be spared in this situation.

Awful..I once had a phonecall from a friend, ds answered the phone and friend asked if he had a nice time at the safari park (he'd seen ds's dad in the car obv, saw kids in the back and assumed ds was with him). Ds hadn't got a clue what he was talking about. Turned out his dad had taken his new bride, her kid and their kid. That's four seats yes? When I asked exp about it he claimed he "didn't have the room" to take ds. Ds cried his eyes up that he wasn't included...I cant drive so we never get to go anywhere like that really and exp knew this. So mean. Not a holiday but it still really hurt ds.

He shouldn't have made promises without talking to his wife first.

Rubbish. He should have stuck his hands down his pants, realised he had a set of bollocks and TOLD his wife that this is his Flesh and blood. She can sod off if she thinks she can treat her like a 2nd class citizen.

Actually he should have insisted she was included
In the first place! Did he really think DD wouldn't notice?

I hate weak pathetic men who are under the thumb.

Here here niceguy2! And so well put!

how fucking awful. Bitch of a woman, and spineless cunt of a father!

I actually don't feel that everyone needs to be included in everything, if that makes sense - sometimes we do day trips with just me, DH and our two (our DCs are ours IYSWIM, not just mine, so slightly different from the OP's case) but other things just with his DCs (much older than ours) and various combinations, basically according to who is interested and who is around at the time.

But DISNEYLAND?!? Fucking hell you don't arrange a once in a lifetime trip like that and leave a child out! Why on earth is he accommodating her DCs and she isn't doing the same for his? Bitch Taylor74 how old are this woman's DCs? And how to they treat your DD generally? I'd be so tempted to stop him seeing them.

And he is a total coward. Can't stand it that there are men like this. I admit I felt jealous when I met my DH (I was young, I had no DCs) and he had his own DCs. I found it so so hard when he would go to see them (exW would not let me see them at first) and I handled it really badly. But thank fuck he stood firm and told me in no uncertain terms that despite the awful circumstances in which his DCs had been born (exW was an emotional abuser and this did affect his ability to bond with them at first) he would ALWAYS be their dad and took his duty seriously. Now we all have a fantastic relationship and I really respect my DH for being a great dad to ALL his DCs.

Twaddle. People make decision and plans together. Once communication goes down, the relationship goes tits up.

We don't know anything other than the OPS 'side' of the story. Then the pitchforks and guillotines come out.

No-one knows, for example, the financing of the original holiday. If I had perhaps been saving for some years, or perhaps received an inheritance I don't think I'd be too happy at being told I was taking an extra person. After normal conversation, it would probably be the consensus that the daughter would come too. But I would not be told how to spend my income nor my time.

Also, second wives, often have issue at the level of child support given to first families. (to put that in perspective, my female friend is shelling out over half of her salary to her ex-husband because her 15 and 17yo son decided to move in with him - no ground rules, girls allowed to sleep over, limitless pocket money - absolutely nothing to so with bad parenting on her behalf BUT her ex-husband expects her to pay and additional sum when expensive school trips are arranged and for her to additionally contribute to their holiday wardrobe)

HOWEVER, read between the lines of the OP - he's blaming the new wife (All agreed? Spineless) but who did the initial stirring? The other children. Why? Perhaps, just perhaps, the dynamics of this 'blended family' (never heard that phrase before) aren't condusive to 2 weeks in Mickey-Mouse-Land -and everyone will feel like having a holiday to get away from each other at the end of it.

Always two sides to every story

I'm afraid that I have a lot of sympathy for the new wife.
I love my DsS and they are brilliant children but a family holiday when they come too is not a holiday for me in any way, DH feels he has to make up for all the time that he doesn't see them to (I feel) the exclusion of our DDs, whilst I am left to cater for two extra children (which when they are not with us all the time means I have to think about it more) and more often than not spend the evenings on my own while he reads to DsS for HOURS and DDs are already asleep in bed. If there is a similar dynamic with your ex I can completely understand why she would not want your DD to come along.

I'm sorry but all this she married him she should suck it up is rubbish. There are times when we don't want to make that compromise and maybe for her this is one of them.

I know it's harsh and Disney is really hyped to children as being a REALLY big deal but your DD will have to learn that she won't go on all family holidays with her Dad and Smum but that the flip side is she will get hoidays with you that her step siblings don't get. It's one of the crapper things of blended family.

The step siblings won't get holidays with their stepfather's ex wife, no But presumably they will go on holidays with their actual father, and not be excluded from once-in-a-lifetime holidays that he may choose to go on with his stepchildren.

I have no sympathy with this attitude that the poor stepmother doesn't want to compromise and she might not have such a lovely holiday with her stepdaughter there and what if her new husband didn't spend all his time thinking about her and her new children. She is an adult, if a shameful selfish nasty bitch of one.

OP, your daughter will NEVER forget this and it will colour her relationship with her father for the rest of his life, I would bet. I hope you all enjoy Disneyland Paris next year.

Lou and on the whole I can see where you are coming from but this is not a normal holiday it is a big deal and they dad has made a fuck up by telling her she could go. Can you put yourself in the ops position having to deal with the fallout of a child left behind.

TROISGARCONS ---- I don't agree with anything you have written

As for you LOUBIELOU31 have a word with yourself!
You are absolutely unbelievable!. I think your comments are disgusting and you are obviously also a 'selfish' so called stepmum IMO.

Your partner's kids WERE there long before you were and so I believe you should accept them as a proper member of your family, you can't just have the man and exclude his kids!. Thats out of order.

Disagree with you entirely LoubieLou - sorry.

Disneyland is a once in a lifetime holiday and the OP's dd should not have been left out and that's the end of it.

And fwiw, I think you sound peevish. Whether there are times when you don't want to make that compromise or not, you kinda have to, because you got with a man with kids already.

It's not a week in a caravan in Skeggy - it's Disneyland. To allow his dd to be cold shouldered is a shitfest.

Nice Guy - Right on. Right on.

Well, we'll agree to differ I still think there are two sides to every story.

That however doen't alter the fact that is no communication between any of the adults in this sorry saga and a childs feeling have been hurt.

I would hazzard a guess the deeper issue is regarding childcare during this holiday. And also financial. Money always brings out the worst in people. One party will always feel they are being ripped off by the other.

However, this woman has ever right to a family life - and that includes going on holiday with her family.

Would everyone be having a hissy fit if it was a Super Sun Soaraway Deal to a bloody caravan in Hastings? I sincerely doubt it.

Oh and Loubie - the new wife's kids are NOT the ex's children!

HE is expected to cold shoulder his OWN daughter, and prioritise his wife's!!

Fuck. That. Not on!

Sack of shit!

I agree that Disney is a special holiday and the whole situation has been handled badly by OP Ex, (saying yeas and then saying no is just not fair) I'm just saying I can sympathise with the new wife not wanting a holiday with her step daughter.
From my point of view I also don't mean every holiday I just mean that sometimes it's nice to have a holiday just the four of us. Sometimes it's even nicer to have a holiday just the TWO of us!!!!!!! and as the children all grow up a bit holidays with all six of us get easier for me and therefore much more enjoyable because the four DCs all play together and the DsSs watch out for their sisters and DH and I can relax a bit more.
Being a step parent is bloody hard work because there is often a raving banshee screaming that we are heartless bitches, no matter how hard we try to work things out. (actually in my particular case there is only grown ups and so these situations rarely arrise but it's still harder work.)
Blended families are a relatively new dimension to family life and eveyone is working out the rules and boundaries.
I think the first rule is good communication and it is a lack of communication that has caused OPs problems.

I'm sorry but if you choose to get involved with someone who already has children, you have to accept that those children must be treated equally to a) any children of your own you have already and b) any children you go on to have together. It's not rocket science....

And the finances argument is bullshit. My Ex trotted that one out as his reason for not taking DS1 on holiday, despite the fact he was paying for himself, his girlfriend, her 3 kids and DS2.

DS2 said to me - 'Mum, if Dad could only afford to spend £X on our holiday, shouldn't he have found a holiday which cost £X for 7 people rather than one which cost £X for 6 people?...' If a 9 year old gets that, I don't see why an adult can't.

The finances argument in my experience is used as an excuse when either parent/step doesn't want a particular child - or children - to go.

No - it's the fact that the gutless ex has allowed his wife to ban his own dd from coming on a once in a lifetime holiday, while he is expected to give up a fortnight to prioritise her kids actually.

In my case and in this instance I would take the DsS (Although disney is not a trip I would be doing) because we all get on well and would all enjoy it. This may not be the case for the new wife and her family. WE don't know.

I don't think we know the full story. It could be for any manner of reasons. In 'blended' families nothing is ever as cut and dried as it seems. On the face of it, it seems brutal. But anyone who is in a situation like this knows how delicate the balance is between amicability and all out war!!
Remarks can be misunderstood, miscommunication can often be the norm.
OP, YANBU. I would be very, very hurt for my DD too. However I think it does need some investigation on your part, especially with regards to how your DD is treated generally in your exH's household.
I do sympathise.

The OP offered to fund her dd on the holiday.